How not to engage! Help please
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: London
Posts: 56
How not to engage! Help please
I've had a bad week, I feel I have been antagonised by ASTBEXW all week, things were going ok with the co parenting, but this week she's really pissed me off all week.
I dropped my daughters off to her hairdressing salon earlier in the week and she wasn't there! Her co worker, clients, me and girls all waiting for her to arrive for work, then girls have to stay there sat in the corner while she sorts out staff, clients, etc.
I was supposed to collect the girls from her house today, no one home! So I drive round the town looking for them, they are at her salon again, whilst she is hairdressing, loads of clients waiting, shop full of people, girls sat in the corner!
Surely this wrong??
She has been telling me that she has been about to collect the rest of the things she wants from the house, for five months! Still hadn't collected them, so yesterday she tells me to throw it all away! It's all now in a skip, so that's good.
Anyway, coupled with all the other frustrating, things this week with divorce, me trying to pay all the bills, unblock drains, kids party's, headlice, dogs got fleas, vacuums broken, lawnmower broken, story's from friends of how blissfully happy wife is with her new man, life, etc.
Anyway, I flipped. Shouted my head off at her, in front of the children, her staff, clients, etc. I think I called her a **** mother, ********, alcoholic, evil witch, slagged off her mother a bit, Then started shouting at everyone else insulting random people who I actually quite like. Then I picked up the girls, one in each arm. Shouted a bit more, then left.
I've been to two al anon meetings this week, therapy, all my stress relieving exercises, swimming and running this week, lots of reading here. All my known methods of chilling out of not engaging and not stooping to her levels. But she's still driving me insane!
Any tips to remain calm through divorce and stressful times would be much appreciated.
I dropped my daughters off to her hairdressing salon earlier in the week and she wasn't there! Her co worker, clients, me and girls all waiting for her to arrive for work, then girls have to stay there sat in the corner while she sorts out staff, clients, etc.
I was supposed to collect the girls from her house today, no one home! So I drive round the town looking for them, they are at her salon again, whilst she is hairdressing, loads of clients waiting, shop full of people, girls sat in the corner!
Surely this wrong??
She has been telling me that she has been about to collect the rest of the things she wants from the house, for five months! Still hadn't collected them, so yesterday she tells me to throw it all away! It's all now in a skip, so that's good.
Anyway, coupled with all the other frustrating, things this week with divorce, me trying to pay all the bills, unblock drains, kids party's, headlice, dogs got fleas, vacuums broken, lawnmower broken, story's from friends of how blissfully happy wife is with her new man, life, etc.
Anyway, I flipped. Shouted my head off at her, in front of the children, her staff, clients, etc. I think I called her a **** mother, ********, alcoholic, evil witch, slagged off her mother a bit, Then started shouting at everyone else insulting random people who I actually quite like. Then I picked up the girls, one in each arm. Shouted a bit more, then left.
I've been to two al anon meetings this week, therapy, all my stress relieving exercises, swimming and running this week, lots of reading here. All my known methods of chilling out of not engaging and not stooping to her levels. But she's still driving me insane!
Any tips to remain calm through divorce and stressful times would be much appreciated.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 220
I'm so sorry. I'm a caregiver, and it is overwhelming.
Is there any other family or friend support to help provide a break for you to spend some time with friends? Are you having "fun" time with others? It really sounds like you are doing everything right, but maybe time with others that isn't focused on recovery will help. If I don't have that in addition to everything else, I start slipping.
I hope others will be along with even better ideas.
Is there any other family or friend support to help provide a break for you to spend some time with friends? Are you having "fun" time with others? It really sounds like you are doing everything right, but maybe time with others that isn't focused on recovery will help. If I don't have that in addition to everything else, I start slipping.
I hope others will be along with even better ideas.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 243
Hi Dave1977w,
Wow, God bless you for the strength that exudes from your posting. I am sorry you are going through this situation. From reading your post, you can tell how much you love your daughters. Bravo to you, they will remember that their Dad is there for them. . It's hard to go through messy family stuff like you speak of. In regard to keeping calm... i know this sounds weird, but I find myself cleaning up the front yard or cleaning the house to free it of what I call,"winter clutter" books, magazines etc., in fact, I'm off to do that soon. I pray for you to have peace of mind & peace in your spirit to continue to be the excellent father that you are. I'm not judging your wife, but it seems the alcohol is leading her around instead of her head & a mother's heart for her kids. I pray she gets sober for your daughters & herself. Stay strong. I had the blessing Of speaking to a very nice gent who worked at a Religious bookstore. He told me that he used to work as a chef at a rehab facility. He told me that when we boil down the main ingredients of addiction... It comes down to 2 main things: PRIDE & SELFISHNESS, that basically defines my exAbf. Perhaps thats whats going on with the Wife?? Again though, BRAVO to you for being a wonderful, loving & caring Dad. May God bless you & yours.
My Best,
Bernadette777
Wow, God bless you for the strength that exudes from your posting. I am sorry you are going through this situation. From reading your post, you can tell how much you love your daughters. Bravo to you, they will remember that their Dad is there for them. . It's hard to go through messy family stuff like you speak of. In regard to keeping calm... i know this sounds weird, but I find myself cleaning up the front yard or cleaning the house to free it of what I call,"winter clutter" books, magazines etc., in fact, I'm off to do that soon. I pray for you to have peace of mind & peace in your spirit to continue to be the excellent father that you are. I'm not judging your wife, but it seems the alcohol is leading her around instead of her head & a mother's heart for her kids. I pray she gets sober for your daughters & herself. Stay strong. I had the blessing Of speaking to a very nice gent who worked at a Religious bookstore. He told me that he used to work as a chef at a rehab facility. He told me that when we boil down the main ingredients of addiction... It comes down to 2 main things: PRIDE & SELFISHNESS, that basically defines my exAbf. Perhaps thats whats going on with the Wife?? Again though, BRAVO to you for being a wonderful, loving & caring Dad. May God bless you & yours.
My Best,
Bernadette777
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: London
Posts: 56
Thanks bunny nest
yeah My family's good, helpful, supportive and close by so I'm very lucky there.
Friends, I do stuff sometimes with mates, but nearly all married and busy, and I don't really drink beer at the moment, she's sort of put me off going to bars and drinking for obvious reasons. So that rules out doing stuff with some friends.
Fun time, yeah tried some of that, met some nice girls, but deep down I'm not really interested in having a relationship at the moment, I think it soon becomes quite clear for women to see that!
I guess I need a hobby, and plenty of patience.
yeah My family's good, helpful, supportive and close by so I'm very lucky there.
Friends, I do stuff sometimes with mates, but nearly all married and busy, and I don't really drink beer at the moment, she's sort of put me off going to bars and drinking for obvious reasons. So that rules out doing stuff with some friends.
Fun time, yeah tried some of that, met some nice girls, but deep down I'm not really interested in having a relationship at the moment, I think it soon becomes quite clear for women to see that!
I guess I need a hobby, and plenty of patience.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Hi Dave,
Just want to offer my support. I have two darling daughters too, whose dad (not an A) unceremoniously left me for a woman half his age. That was four years ago, and it has taken this long for it to stop getting under my skin. We are cordial, manage to co-parent pretty well, and life goes on. But there were a few times I blew a gasket early on, within earshot of my daughters, which I do regret. Even though everything I yelled was *true*.
First bit of advice: Forgive yourself. You are human, you have been hurt and disappointed, you are in vigilant protective mode for your kids, and you can't be cool all the time.
Next, practice taking deep breaths (any time you think of it), consciously relaxing your physical tension (note the clenched hands, bunched up neck and shoulders), maybe look into mindfulness/meditation as a practice. It has helped me recognize my feelings, feel them, then release and move forward with fewer blow ups resulting.
So sorry you're going through this. Best of luck to you going forward with more peace and calm.
Just want to offer my support. I have two darling daughters too, whose dad (not an A) unceremoniously left me for a woman half his age. That was four years ago, and it has taken this long for it to stop getting under my skin. We are cordial, manage to co-parent pretty well, and life goes on. But there were a few times I blew a gasket early on, within earshot of my daughters, which I do regret. Even though everything I yelled was *true*.
First bit of advice: Forgive yourself. You are human, you have been hurt and disappointed, you are in vigilant protective mode for your kids, and you can't be cool all the time.
Next, practice taking deep breaths (any time you think of it), consciously relaxing your physical tension (note the clenched hands, bunched up neck and shoulders), maybe look into mindfulness/meditation as a practice. It has helped me recognize my feelings, feel them, then release and move forward with fewer blow ups resulting.
So sorry you're going through this. Best of luck to you going forward with more peace and calm.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Dave,
You are going to laugh, but I read your post quite impressed! My therapist suggested to me to get mad at my RAH this past Wed. I am sure I looked at him blankly. I have no idea how to turn my anger on. I did get mad a bit last May for maybe 2-3 minutes and then I lost the connection. I'm a bit buttoned up and quite afraid to even plumb my anger.
So I went home and tried and it went nowhere... Here you are cussing out people you like! I must say that is really anger that takes a bit to get corralled again! I am jealous!
You are going to laugh, but I read your post quite impressed! My therapist suggested to me to get mad at my RAH this past Wed. I am sure I looked at him blankly. I have no idea how to turn my anger on. I did get mad a bit last May for maybe 2-3 minutes and then I lost the connection. I'm a bit buttoned up and quite afraid to even plumb my anger.
So I went home and tried and it went nowhere... Here you are cussing out people you like! I must say that is really anger that takes a bit to get corralled again! I am jealous!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Originally Posted by Dave1977w 
Thanks bunny nest
yeah My family's good, helpful, supportive and close by so I'm very lucky there.
Friends, I do stuff sometimes with mates, but nearly all married and busy, and I don't really drink beer at the moment, she's sort of put me off going to bars and drinking for obvious reasons. So that rules out doing stuff with some friends.
Fun time, yeah tried some of that, met some nice girls, but deep down I'm not really interested in having a relationship at the moment, I think it soon becomes quite clear for women to see that!
I guess I need a hobby, and plenty of patience.
yeah My family's good, helpful, supportive and close by so I'm very lucky there.
Friends, I do stuff sometimes with mates, but nearly all married and busy, and I don't really drink beer at the moment, she's sort of put me off going to bars and drinking for obvious reasons. So that rules out doing stuff with some friends.
Fun time, yeah tried some of that, met some nice girls, but deep down I'm not really interested in having a relationship at the moment, I think it soon becomes quite clear for women to see that!
I guess I need a hobby, and plenty of patience.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Hi Dave- I remember the first time I had to mow the yard. I was so frustrated I cried in the backyard, I pulled that stupid string and it went no where. Then I had to take something from the roof I cried and fussed and yelled and kicked and had a melt down.
My key to helping not explode is run. like forest gump lol. I run and run and run. But do it on a tread mill, I ended up getting planters fasciitis in both feet yikes!
Also, I learned to expect things not to go right when I talk to AH that way you don't have anything to loose.
My key to helping not explode is run. like forest gump lol. I run and run and run. But do it on a tread mill, I ended up getting planters fasciitis in both feet yikes!
Also, I learned to expect things not to go right when I talk to AH that way you don't have anything to loose.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Well damn Dave, none of us hold it together ALL of the time, with absolute perfect impeccability. First thing you need is a big fat dose of "cut yourself a break"... 
It sounds like you are doing a whole lot to try to minimize this type of stuff, but you're going to hit your limit now & again & that's OK. For me, things like yoga, deep breathing, meditations, etc. are the things that help me keep it together the most during times like you describe. I read somewhere once that it only takes 3 good, solid, slow, deep breaths to send your brain the primordial signal that everything is OK & that it helps calm that fight or flight feeling that we get overwhelmed with at times. It helps more often than not, but it takes some practice too.
Here's a web quote that kind of describes what I'm talking about:
It sounds like you are doing a whole lot to try to minimize this type of stuff, but you're going to hit your limit now & again & that's OK. For me, things like yoga, deep breathing, meditations, etc. are the things that help me keep it together the most during times like you describe. I read somewhere once that it only takes 3 good, solid, slow, deep breaths to send your brain the primordial signal that everything is OK & that it helps calm that fight or flight feeling that we get overwhelmed with at times. It helps more often than not, but it takes some practice too.
Here's a web quote that kind of describes what I'm talking about:
Of all the automatic functions of the body — cardiovascular, digestive, hormonal, glandular, immune — only the breath can be easily controlled voluntarily, explain Richard P. Brown, M.D. and Patricia L. Gerbarg, M.D. in their book, “The Healing Power of the Breath.” They write:
By voluntarily changing the rate, depth, and pattern of breathing, we can change the messages being sent from the body’s respiratory system to the brain. In this way, breathing techniques provide a portal to the autonomic communication network through which we can, by changing our breathing patterns, send specific messages to the brain using the language of the body, a language the brain understands and to which it responds. Messages from the respiratory system have rapid, powerful effects on major brain centers involved in thought, emotion, and behavior.
By voluntarily changing the rate, depth, and pattern of breathing, we can change the messages being sent from the body’s respiratory system to the brain. In this way, breathing techniques provide a portal to the autonomic communication network through which we can, by changing our breathing patterns, send specific messages to the brain using the language of the body, a language the brain understands and to which it responds. Messages from the respiratory system have rapid, powerful effects on major brain centers involved in thought, emotion, and behavior.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
oh dave you're a GOOD dad who just reached his limit. it's ok, just don't make it a habit! and I personally can see the whole "Dad Loses It in Hair Salon" movie with Hugh Grant in the leading role. sorry. the bit about taking a go at the random bystanders just makes me smile....and you! your nose is too big!
seriously tho.....you're human. take a breath, take some time....release it all, at least for a bit. you're not expected to get this right all the time, especially when the other doesn't play fair.
seriously tho.....you're human. take a breath, take some time....release it all, at least for a bit. you're not expected to get this right all the time, especially when the other doesn't play fair.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: nh
Posts: 339
Hi Dave... Sounds like more of a blow up than engaging! And if you bud up too much steam thats bound to happen! From reading this post and the one about the lice, you said some things that give me the impression you are maybe walking in eggshells in order to keep the peace? Alcoholics are selfish so the eggshell walk is a looseing battle! If she has a specific product to use for head lice, then let her get her butt over to your house and take care of the lice! why are you bringing the kids to her? If she cant be bothered to be where she is supposed to be in order to visit her kids, then maybe she should pick them up from you! If she doesnt show she looses! And you didnt spend a day making sure her kids can "see" her. Doesnt sound like quality time is being spent. There are ways to reduce some of your work load. And it sounds like worring about keeping the peace is a big job! Put your foot down Dave! Ih and tell the friends to please keep any news broadcasts of your ex' life to themselves...your not interested! Sorry cant help with the lawnmower and vac! Good luck and I second the Hugh Grant Idea!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
Maybe try to keep focused on the kids and what sort of role model you want to be for them?
I can understand that their mom is pushing your buttons, but do you want your girls to learn from you that it's OK for men to yell at women? Or for anybody to yell at anyone for that matter?
I can understand that their mom is pushing your buttons, but do you want your girls to learn from you that it's OK for men to yell at women? Or for anybody to yell at anyone for that matter?
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Damn Dave... Good job for blowing off some steam! lol I find when I get so mad, I will even bitch at the tv and whatever is on whether it's a commercial or a movie, I will tear them to shreds. I don't think I've ever done it to someone in a salon though. 
You have one up'ed me dude.
Hope you feel better and the next time she starts running her lips, just look at her and shake your head yes... You don't even have to hear what she said... just imagine yourself all buffed out on a beach in a speedo looking at all the hotties. It's a pretty nice view from my perspective! *nice ass*
You have one up'ed me dude. Hope you feel better and the next time she starts running her lips, just look at her and shake your head yes... You don't even have to hear what she said... just imagine yourself all buffed out on a beach in a speedo looking at all the hotties. It's a pretty nice view from my perspective! *nice ass*
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