All of my brother's tentacles
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 3
All of my brother's tentacles
I am new here. Thank you for this site. I am glad I have found it.
I have a 54 year old brother who has lived his entire adult life addicted to alcohol and prescription meds (opiates and benzos primarily), and it is dumbfounding to me when I step back and realize how far the "tentacles" of his addiction have permeated and are destroying the lives of my small family.
He has lived off an on with my 79 year old mother, who is in very poor health herself, all of his adult life. He has been through long-term in-patient treatment four times, he has been locked up for DWI's, homeless (for very brief periods-mom always rescues him) and he had damaged his body so badly I am sure he does some impaired cognitive ability as a result.
For the last ten months, he has been living in a small house on the other side of town. Mom is a classic enabler. He gets disability (which astounds me-he may be that sick now-but he wasn't when he started receiving the checks over a decade ago) and my mother is his "payee". Of course the money never lasts beyond the first week of any given month, there is always some invented dramatic crisis that comes along of which my brother claims to be a helpless victim (someone robbed him, he got very ill, his money card was hacked, the list is endless) and of course mom always bails him out. It is bleeding her dry. And whatever the crisis-of-the-month is, it always brings with it a considerable amount of overwhelming worry for my mother-not just about the money, but because of the nature of his invented victimizations.
I was somewhat prepared to deal with all the challenges that come along with helping an aging parent, and I want to be a good daughter and do right by my mom at this point in her life. She does need help, and she deserves the support and assistance of loving children. (I have a sister who lives on the other side of the country and rarely comes home.) But this layer of enabling and co-dependency is really tough to navigate through. I don't want to abandon my mom at this frail stage and leave her even riper for his picking (I have no direct contact with my brother anymore because of his addiction), but I think I will have to. That is where I am struggling.
Mom has ALWAYS enabled my brother.....even when she dd have the mental clarity and physical fortitude to stand up to him. She has ALWAYS believed, or appeared to believe, his lies and manipulations. She has never really held him accountable for his crazy behavior, despite the devastating consequences it brought to him, her and everyone else who loves them. There have been periods of time when I stopped being a part of her life too because I couldn't stand by and watch all of the craziness unfold while she did nothing. I have been angry, disgusted, confused, felt abandoned myself, and have resented being put in this position over and over again.
I just don't know where to draw the line now. I have encouraged her over and over again to remove herself as his "payee" so she doesn't have to deal with that entanglement. Of course she says she will, but won't do it when the time comes. I have demonstrated to her time again and again that he is lying to her.
The most recent drama was him telling her he was going to have a liver biopsy (he does have Hep-C) and was undergoing interferon treatment for Hep-C, which of course, if true, would make him very, very ill. He said docs were concerned about liver cancer, and that he may be terminally ill. The reality was that he had to have the standard "testing" done that any 54 year old should do (colonoscopy, blood draws, etc). Other than the already diagnosed diabetes, high blood pressure and Hep-C, the tests were all fine. But during the process, he manipulated her into allowing him to come stay at her house to be "taken care of" during the two weeks he had these routine tests scheduled. What he really wants is to permanently move back in with her so he can have the luxury of cablevision, prepared meals, a maid, and the use of her car (he has no license-has wrecked her car once and reported it was stolen-another lie I exposed to her). Feigning dire illness was just a ploy that did get him one step closer. How cruel is that? Let your mother believe you may be dying with a tragic, fatal illness, instead of the addiction which is really killing you (sometimes I hate him so much). Meanwhile his water gets shut off (another story), so how can he possibly return home now? (Give him a couple gallons of water and send him home-that's what I say). Let him figure out how to solve the problem (another reason to remove herself as his payee).
It goes on and on, and I am sure my story is just a variation of the same one.
I did tell mom yesterday that while I love her, and I want to support and be here for her, if she continues to do what she has always done, I WILL have to walk away from her life too. I can't enable the enabler, which is what I think I may be doing. I told her that this isn't fair, it is killing me to watch him destroy her, that this is taking a huge toll on me (which it is), my husband and my children, and I will have to protect myself and my family from being sucked in to all this dysfunction anymore. I really don't think things will change. There have been numerous times over the last twenty years that we have had the "mom, you are part of the problem" discussion. She understands, and every now and then she has actually done the right thing the and let him face the consequences of his self destructive behavior. But it is always short lived, and the patterns return.
While I have walked away from his life (at least directly), I haven't ever walked out of hers. Is that the right thing to do if she continues? She has some dementia, COPD, high blood pressure, a very high stroke risk, and many other physical issues. I am very scared she will stroke out during one of the crazy events my brother brings to her, or that he will hurt her (he is capable), the riff-raff he brings around will hurt her, or any number of things of which she is very vulnerbale. I had hoped when he moved out ten months ago we could work on some changes, but it only moved the problem several miles away. Nothing really changed.
This is something I wake up with, go to sleep with, worry about all the time. It is affecting my job, my quality of life, and possibly my health.
What should I do?
Thank you for taking the time!
I have a 54 year old brother who has lived his entire adult life addicted to alcohol and prescription meds (opiates and benzos primarily), and it is dumbfounding to me when I step back and realize how far the "tentacles" of his addiction have permeated and are destroying the lives of my small family.
He has lived off an on with my 79 year old mother, who is in very poor health herself, all of his adult life. He has been through long-term in-patient treatment four times, he has been locked up for DWI's, homeless (for very brief periods-mom always rescues him) and he had damaged his body so badly I am sure he does some impaired cognitive ability as a result.
For the last ten months, he has been living in a small house on the other side of town. Mom is a classic enabler. He gets disability (which astounds me-he may be that sick now-but he wasn't when he started receiving the checks over a decade ago) and my mother is his "payee". Of course the money never lasts beyond the first week of any given month, there is always some invented dramatic crisis that comes along of which my brother claims to be a helpless victim (someone robbed him, he got very ill, his money card was hacked, the list is endless) and of course mom always bails him out. It is bleeding her dry. And whatever the crisis-of-the-month is, it always brings with it a considerable amount of overwhelming worry for my mother-not just about the money, but because of the nature of his invented victimizations.
I was somewhat prepared to deal with all the challenges that come along with helping an aging parent, and I want to be a good daughter and do right by my mom at this point in her life. She does need help, and she deserves the support and assistance of loving children. (I have a sister who lives on the other side of the country and rarely comes home.) But this layer of enabling and co-dependency is really tough to navigate through. I don't want to abandon my mom at this frail stage and leave her even riper for his picking (I have no direct contact with my brother anymore because of his addiction), but I think I will have to. That is where I am struggling.
Mom has ALWAYS enabled my brother.....even when she dd have the mental clarity and physical fortitude to stand up to him. She has ALWAYS believed, or appeared to believe, his lies and manipulations. She has never really held him accountable for his crazy behavior, despite the devastating consequences it brought to him, her and everyone else who loves them. There have been periods of time when I stopped being a part of her life too because I couldn't stand by and watch all of the craziness unfold while she did nothing. I have been angry, disgusted, confused, felt abandoned myself, and have resented being put in this position over and over again.
I just don't know where to draw the line now. I have encouraged her over and over again to remove herself as his "payee" so she doesn't have to deal with that entanglement. Of course she says she will, but won't do it when the time comes. I have demonstrated to her time again and again that he is lying to her.
The most recent drama was him telling her he was going to have a liver biopsy (he does have Hep-C) and was undergoing interferon treatment for Hep-C, which of course, if true, would make him very, very ill. He said docs were concerned about liver cancer, and that he may be terminally ill. The reality was that he had to have the standard "testing" done that any 54 year old should do (colonoscopy, blood draws, etc). Other than the already diagnosed diabetes, high blood pressure and Hep-C, the tests were all fine. But during the process, he manipulated her into allowing him to come stay at her house to be "taken care of" during the two weeks he had these routine tests scheduled. What he really wants is to permanently move back in with her so he can have the luxury of cablevision, prepared meals, a maid, and the use of her car (he has no license-has wrecked her car once and reported it was stolen-another lie I exposed to her). Feigning dire illness was just a ploy that did get him one step closer. How cruel is that? Let your mother believe you may be dying with a tragic, fatal illness, instead of the addiction which is really killing you (sometimes I hate him so much). Meanwhile his water gets shut off (another story), so how can he possibly return home now? (Give him a couple gallons of water and send him home-that's what I say). Let him figure out how to solve the problem (another reason to remove herself as his payee).
It goes on and on, and I am sure my story is just a variation of the same one.
I did tell mom yesterday that while I love her, and I want to support and be here for her, if she continues to do what she has always done, I WILL have to walk away from her life too. I can't enable the enabler, which is what I think I may be doing. I told her that this isn't fair, it is killing me to watch him destroy her, that this is taking a huge toll on me (which it is), my husband and my children, and I will have to protect myself and my family from being sucked in to all this dysfunction anymore. I really don't think things will change. There have been numerous times over the last twenty years that we have had the "mom, you are part of the problem" discussion. She understands, and every now and then she has actually done the right thing the and let him face the consequences of his self destructive behavior. But it is always short lived, and the patterns return.
While I have walked away from his life (at least directly), I haven't ever walked out of hers. Is that the right thing to do if she continues? She has some dementia, COPD, high blood pressure, a very high stroke risk, and many other physical issues. I am very scared she will stroke out during one of the crazy events my brother brings to her, or that he will hurt her (he is capable), the riff-raff he brings around will hurt her, or any number of things of which she is very vulnerbale. I had hoped when he moved out ten months ago we could work on some changes, but it only moved the problem several miles away. Nothing really changed.
This is something I wake up with, go to sleep with, worry about all the time. It is affecting my job, my quality of life, and possibly my health.
What should I do?
Thank you for taking the time!
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
You're obviously in a very tight spot, KLHART.
Enablers and co-dependents generally carry the same signs and symptoms of the identified alcoholic...denial, rationalization, and a whole host of other defenses in the service of protecting themselves from a painful reality that they simply cannot accept.
For now, I recommend Al-Anon to help you manage your feelings and potentially inform your actions with both your mother and your brother.
Though I'm not a participant, most people here suggest using the Friends and Family section of SR in such cases.
You don't have to go through this alone.
Enablers and co-dependents generally carry the same signs and symptoms of the identified alcoholic...denial, rationalization, and a whole host of other defenses in the service of protecting themselves from a painful reality that they simply cannot accept.
For now, I recommend Al-Anon to help you manage your feelings and potentially inform your actions with both your mother and your brother.
Though I'm not a participant, most people here suggest using the Friends and Family section of SR in such cases.
You don't have to go through this alone.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Well, I had a very similar situation.
My mother and father were huge enablers for my brother and nephew (my brother's son) who were involved in drugs and spending massive amounts of money. I thankfully didn't live near them and was able to detach fairly well. When my mother became ill with cancer, I continued my detachment because I knew I had to do that for my sanity and recovery.
Years later, when my father became ill, I was forced to interact with my brother dealing with the estate/condo/bank accounts, etc. Legally there was no way around it. It was absolutely horrible. I was sucked into my brother's lies, deceit, manipulation, stealing from me, and finally physical threats. I would have thrown the estate dealings out the window, but legally I was responsible, so was stuck with it. It's not finished up yet, but when it is, I am cutting off contact with my brother for good. One thing I have learned in recovery is that I know deep down what I need to do. I used to ignore those feelings and do what was expected. I don't do that anymore.
My mother and father were huge enablers for my brother and nephew (my brother's son) who were involved in drugs and spending massive amounts of money. I thankfully didn't live near them and was able to detach fairly well. When my mother became ill with cancer, I continued my detachment because I knew I had to do that for my sanity and recovery.
Years later, when my father became ill, I was forced to interact with my brother dealing with the estate/condo/bank accounts, etc. Legally there was no way around it. It was absolutely horrible. I was sucked into my brother's lies, deceit, manipulation, stealing from me, and finally physical threats. I would have thrown the estate dealings out the window, but legally I was responsible, so was stuck with it. It's not finished up yet, but when it is, I am cutting off contact with my brother for good. One thing I have learned in recovery is that I know deep down what I need to do. I used to ignore those feelings and do what was expected. I don't do that anymore.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, KLHART--I just replied to your post over in Family and Friends. Glad you got here, glad you found the F&F section, and I hope you find as much help here as I have over the last year.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
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