Just let myself take his verbal abuse, not feeling too well now.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Just let myself take his verbal abuse, not feeling too well now.
I am at work and I need to get this out, just spent 20 minutes sobbing in my car.
I’ve been trying to be civil with AH since I left because of the kids. I let them see him last night and play and it was fine – I stayed in another room while they played.
Today he texted me asking what bills are due on the house (since I paid utilities and school for the kids, and he paid rent, which works out to us splitting bills). I texted him back and told him that our water bill balance is still very high due to a leak we have been arguing with the landlord over. He then texts me back “You need to get your **** together. I will still be there for you if anyone does you wrong but my days of bailing you out financially are over. Email me the bills and I don’t want any more surprises.” I told him there will be no surprises, and that I’m not asking him for any money other than half of the kids’ schooling. Even if I have to work two jobs. He ended up calling me a “delusional c**t.” I then broke down sobbing. I have done everything for this man. I do ALL of his paperwork, I write any letters that need to be written, make all the calls, do his business marketing, all the paperwork for his DUI, EVERYTHING. He makes twice what I do, but I still insist on paying half of everything. Does he bail me out sometimes when I’m short on money? Absolutely. But I stayed home with our kids for five years and took care of them while dealing with his craziness and the 5 moves we made. I worked transcription jobs from home, making BEANS, staying up until 4 AM and nursing a new baby at the same time. I lived in a Motel 6 for a MONTH with a newborn while we looked for a house to live in after one of his episodes because no one else would take our dog.
He hurts me so much and he makes me feel more worthless than I ever thought a person could. How on earth am I going to co-parent with him? How? I know a little about family law and I’d never get full custody. He’s never been verbally/physically abusive to the kids. I did call the police once when he got physical with me when drunk, but the police (we live in LA, and I’m not saying it’s all LA police) looked at me like I was wasting their time and acted irritated and did nothing. Maybe because I didn’t have a mark, I don’t know.
I feel a terrible sense of dread. Last night when I went to leave with the kids, he asked me if I needed any money. Now he’s being this way? I can’t keep up with this. I don’t know what to do.
I’ve been trying to be civil with AH since I left because of the kids. I let them see him last night and play and it was fine – I stayed in another room while they played.
Today he texted me asking what bills are due on the house (since I paid utilities and school for the kids, and he paid rent, which works out to us splitting bills). I texted him back and told him that our water bill balance is still very high due to a leak we have been arguing with the landlord over. He then texts me back “You need to get your **** together. I will still be there for you if anyone does you wrong but my days of bailing you out financially are over. Email me the bills and I don’t want any more surprises.” I told him there will be no surprises, and that I’m not asking him for any money other than half of the kids’ schooling. Even if I have to work two jobs. He ended up calling me a “delusional c**t.” I then broke down sobbing. I have done everything for this man. I do ALL of his paperwork, I write any letters that need to be written, make all the calls, do his business marketing, all the paperwork for his DUI, EVERYTHING. He makes twice what I do, but I still insist on paying half of everything. Does he bail me out sometimes when I’m short on money? Absolutely. But I stayed home with our kids for five years and took care of them while dealing with his craziness and the 5 moves we made. I worked transcription jobs from home, making BEANS, staying up until 4 AM and nursing a new baby at the same time. I lived in a Motel 6 for a MONTH with a newborn while we looked for a house to live in after one of his episodes because no one else would take our dog.
He hurts me so much and he makes me feel more worthless than I ever thought a person could. How on earth am I going to co-parent with him? How? I know a little about family law and I’d never get full custody. He’s never been verbally/physically abusive to the kids. I did call the police once when he got physical with me when drunk, but the police (we live in LA, and I’m not saying it’s all LA police) looked at me like I was wasting their time and acted irritated and did nothing. Maybe because I didn’t have a mark, I don’t know.
I feel a terrible sense of dread. Last night when I went to leave with the kids, he asked me if I needed any money. Now he’s being this way? I can’t keep up with this. I don’t know what to do.
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Join Date: May 2010
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O sweetie, I feel for you. I had a very similar conversation w/my XAH last night. He goes from being really nice, to psychotic, to evil. I have the same questions in my head.
However....one thing I know for sure is that I don't want my kids growing up thinking it is acceptable to be verbally or emoationall abused.
It is one step at a time. You have to see this for the crap it is. He is clearly a mess and is taking it out on you. If he makes more than you he should have to pay more than you. Do you have an attorney? If not, get one ASAP!
Tight Hugs.
However....one thing I know for sure is that I don't want my kids growing up thinking it is acceptable to be verbally or emoationall abused.
It is one step at a time. You have to see this for the crap it is. He is clearly a mess and is taking it out on you. If he makes more than you he should have to pay more than you. Do you have an attorney? If not, get one ASAP!
Tight Hugs.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 183
Emmy, communicate through email and only when it is necessary. Save everything. Alcoholics can be very Jeckyll and Hyde and that's what you are seeing. He's nice when it suits him but then he's vicious. Please limit contact. He says these things intentionally to hurt you because he doesn't want to see you strong and independent. Show him that you are and will be!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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Emmy,
I hope I walked away from this for long enough for me to not come out sounding like a drunk sailor.
Your H is an a$$hole. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You left him, he doesn't feel good about himself for that, so the only mechanism in his stupid mind is to put you down and hurt you some more. Yeah, I guess you really want to jump up and run and get yourself a piece of that sh!t he is offering you.
On another note: I think you are doing a terrific job on being your own person and as a mother.
Let his sh!t rot in the gutter where it belongs.
I hope I walked away from this for long enough for me to not come out sounding like a drunk sailor.
Your H is an a$$hole. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You left him, he doesn't feel good about himself for that, so the only mechanism in his stupid mind is to put you down and hurt you some more. Yeah, I guess you really want to jump up and run and get yourself a piece of that sh!t he is offering you.
On another note: I think you are doing a terrific job on being your own person and as a mother.
Let his sh!t rot in the gutter where it belongs.
Last edited by amy55; 04-02-2014 at 01:38 PM. Reason: maybe I should have walked away longer.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Oh Emmy, I am so sorry you are still dealing with his abuse!! I have found every time I speak to my STBXAH, I am back to square one which I why I had to go no contact for my own sanity.
I understand that may be difficult because of the boys, but maybe emailing is the best solution at this point. It's also a great form of documentation in the event you will need it.
As for the "I do everything" comment, that was me too. I did everything too but there was a reason why. I would like to say it was because I was loving and being a great partner but after therapy I found it was much more complex. I did everything because it gave me self worth. I was seeking his love and respect. I had become a professional martyr and victim.
I finally decided to become the victor and not the victim. Take back your power Emmy. See him for what he is.....an abusive, alcoholic. Just a sick, irrational person!!
Don't let him define you or your self worth. Don't let anyone.
I understand that may be difficult because of the boys, but maybe emailing is the best solution at this point. It's also a great form of documentation in the event you will need it.
As for the "I do everything" comment, that was me too. I did everything too but there was a reason why. I would like to say it was because I was loving and being a great partner but after therapy I found it was much more complex. I did everything because it gave me self worth. I was seeking his love and respect. I had become a professional martyr and victim.
I finally decided to become the victor and not the victim. Take back your power Emmy. See him for what he is.....an abusive, alcoholic. Just a sick, irrational person!!
Don't let him define you or your self worth. Don't let anyone.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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he's an ABUSIVE @sshole.....and i don't quite think you've really truly grasped that yet. so far you've found a way to see him almost every day since you moved out...perhaps under the auspices of "seeing the kids" but still you put yourself directly in the line of his fire. he puts on the civil act and then reverts to being mean, hostile and rude, which still seems to catch you off guard.
you need DISTANCE emmy. time apart. less contact. minimal communication. you need a boundary that the moment he starts with the namecalling and verbal abuse you will STOP communicating then and there and will no longer allow him to mistreat you. by text, phone or in person.
have you been to see an attorney yet? it just cannot be done too soon.
you need DISTANCE emmy. time apart. less contact. minimal communication. you need a boundary that the moment he starts with the namecalling and verbal abuse you will STOP communicating then and there and will no longer allow him to mistreat you. by text, phone or in person.
have you been to see an attorney yet? it just cannot be done too soon.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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I'm sorry here. Even after walking away from the computer for awhile to calm down, I couldn't. You see, for a while there my rock bottom was if he ever used the c**t word, I was outta there. He never did. But my rock bottom got so low that I'm sure the catfish found trouble finding it.
Emmy, last nite, you did good in his eyes. You were there, you brought the children there. Today, in his eyes, you aren't good, (Meaning he is a hateful person that needs to bring you down also).
I am so glad that you moved out of there. I know you don't want the rest of your life being dictated by whether or not he hates you or loves you.
I know sometimes they say look at the actions not the words, but in this case, I don't see any actions, I see words only, that are just trying to hurt you.
Thank you for coming here to post instead of replying to this bs to him.
Emmy, last nite, you did good in his eyes. You were there, you brought the children there. Today, in his eyes, you aren't good, (Meaning he is a hateful person that needs to bring you down also).
I am so glad that you moved out of there. I know you don't want the rest of your life being dictated by whether or not he hates you or loves you.
I know sometimes they say look at the actions not the words, but in this case, I don't see any actions, I see words only, that are just trying to hurt you.
Thank you for coming here to post instead of replying to this bs to him.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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you need DISTANCE emmy. time apart. less contact. minimal communication. you need a boundary that the moment he starts with the namecalling and verbal abuse you will STOP communicating then and there and will no longer allow him to mistreat you. by text, phone or in person.
Sending you a hug, Emmy. You're an awesome mom and a wonderful person!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
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(((Hugs))) Emmy. All you need to do right now is breathe.
You relayed the information he needed to know about why the bill was higher than expected. That is not your fault. How he reacted is not your fault. The water bill is for where he is living...alone, now, right? It is HIS bill.
If he is anything like AXH, he will most likely not give any acknowledgement of the stuff you have taken care of for him. All of the debt (credit card, car, insurance, etc.) was in my name. I took it all with me, because I knew it'd be a losing battle to try to get any help from him on paying it off. I paid AXH's rent out beyond when I left. I made sure the utilities were paid up on his place. And then tried to make sure my name was off all of the utility accounts and future bills were sent to HIM. And maybe that last step in my leaving is why during the divorce hearing when he was asked if we split up the debt, he said he took everything of his and he didn't think I took care of any of mine. Because, in his mind those were 'mine' even though they were for his place.
Still, I'd expected him to be truthful about the debt split. I'd expected him to follow through and deliver child support on his own when he said he'd do it 'next time'. I'd expected him to behave rationally. He didn't. And I was always confused and hurt. And I still had a very hard time letting go of those expectations. It got a lot easier when I finally did.
You're going to be OK, Emmy. You already are. Truly. Just hang in there.
You relayed the information he needed to know about why the bill was higher than expected. That is not your fault. How he reacted is not your fault. The water bill is for where he is living...alone, now, right? It is HIS bill.
If he is anything like AXH, he will most likely not give any acknowledgement of the stuff you have taken care of for him. All of the debt (credit card, car, insurance, etc.) was in my name. I took it all with me, because I knew it'd be a losing battle to try to get any help from him on paying it off. I paid AXH's rent out beyond when I left. I made sure the utilities were paid up on his place. And then tried to make sure my name was off all of the utility accounts and future bills were sent to HIM. And maybe that last step in my leaving is why during the divorce hearing when he was asked if we split up the debt, he said he took everything of his and he didn't think I took care of any of mine. Because, in his mind those were 'mine' even though they were for his place.
Still, I'd expected him to be truthful about the debt split. I'd expected him to follow through and deliver child support on his own when he said he'd do it 'next time'. I'd expected him to behave rationally. He didn't. And I was always confused and hurt. And I still had a very hard time letting go of those expectations. It got a lot easier when I finally did.
You're going to be OK, Emmy. You already are. Truly. Just hang in there.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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"He hurts me so much and he makes me feel more worthless than I ever thought a person could."
Emmy, I want you to really think this question over - "Why are you getting your sense of self worth from a partner who mere days ago had a choke hold on your neck?"
"Delusional C***?" Not bloody likely if you work in law. Document document document. You know how to get him. You just need to document it. Lawyer up and make a wily plan to see if you can get what you need for full custody. It's worth a shot. You know he's going to unleash somewhere bc he doesn't have you any longer...
Emmy, I am really proud of you. I don't even 'know' you, but I am really really touched that you share so much truth with us here on SR.
Emmy, I want you to really think this question over - "Why are you getting your sense of self worth from a partner who mere days ago had a choke hold on your neck?"
"Delusional C***?" Not bloody likely if you work in law. Document document document. You know how to get him. You just need to document it. Lawyer up and make a wily plan to see if you can get what you need for full custody. It's worth a shot. You know he's going to unleash somewhere bc he doesn't have you any longer...
Emmy, I am really proud of you. I don't even 'know' you, but I am really really touched that you share so much truth with us here on SR.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Muskegon, Michigan
Posts: 131
My Ex husband was not an alcoholic but abusive nonetheless. I made the mistake of not having an attorney when we divorced five years ago and I am still paying for it in the form of constant verbal harassment, threats to not pay, calling me a horrible mother, names of all kinds, inconsistency with visitation schedule, time of payment, and last night he literally threw himself on to the hood of my moving car to stop me from trying to get away from him and his abuse. ( I kept moving and he fell off..thankfully he wasn't hurt) Don't tell anyone, but that sure felt good.
I'm getting off track. My point in this is...You NEED clear and lawful boundaries in place. If you need to beg or borrow the money. Do it. Lock him down in every way you can. Don't leave anything out of the settlement EVEN if you think it seems trivial.
They don't ever seem to get tired of the power plays and the manipulations. If you have yourself a clear settlement. You wont have to listen. You wont have to argue. It will take a lot of the headache out.
And document all of the behaviors you can for court. Keep a notebook hidden and every time he says or does anything abusive. Document it and keep any evidence such as text messages and emails.
Goodluck Sweetie.
I'm getting off track. My point in this is...You NEED clear and lawful boundaries in place. If you need to beg or borrow the money. Do it. Lock him down in every way you can. Don't leave anything out of the settlement EVEN if you think it seems trivial.
They don't ever seem to get tired of the power plays and the manipulations. If you have yourself a clear settlement. You wont have to listen. You wont have to argue. It will take a lot of the headache out.
And document all of the behaviors you can for court. Keep a notebook hidden and every time he says or does anything abusive. Document it and keep any evidence such as text messages and emails.
Goodluck Sweetie.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,457
Hire a lawyer, quit talking to him, set a schedule, and only exchange information about kids by text.
You clearly need space from this.
Sorry you are hurting so much, but you are out of that house and on your way to freedom.
You clearly need space from this.
Sorry you are hurting so much, but you are out of that house and on your way to freedom.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
I remember Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde. One minute abusive & then the next Mr nice.
My advice to you is to keep these texts & start a diary & record this abuse.
My got worse & eventually I couldn't take it anymore & had to visit police with evidence in hand & they in turn spoke to XH.
He still didn't get it & now 7 years down the track when he is taking me for joint custody I have all the evidence I need to produce in court.
As your husband is an alcoholic then he will get worse & so to his behaviour.
Perhaps you can gain some legal advice re. custody? Are there any free public legal services or can you see a lawyer for advice who won't charge unless you proceed?
I am really sorry you are going through this.
Mental abuse sucks & although he has made you feel sick to your stomach, you hold your head high because you are a good person & good mother & don't you forget it. Repeat it over & over in your head when he makes you feel this way.
You can do this.
Big hugs.
My advice to you is to keep these texts & start a diary & record this abuse.
My got worse & eventually I couldn't take it anymore & had to visit police with evidence in hand & they in turn spoke to XH.
He still didn't get it & now 7 years down the track when he is taking me for joint custody I have all the evidence I need to produce in court.
As your husband is an alcoholic then he will get worse & so to his behaviour.
Perhaps you can gain some legal advice re. custody? Are there any free public legal services or can you see a lawyer for advice who won't charge unless you proceed?
I am really sorry you are going through this.
Mental abuse sucks & although he has made you feel sick to your stomach, you hold your head high because you are a good person & good mother & don't you forget it. Repeat it over & over in your head when he makes you feel this way.
You can do this.
Big hugs.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
He ENJOYS your upset...now maybe you will get it?
I am sorry that you expect him to behave like a normal human being. He seems to thrive on upsetting you...He doesn't CARE, except about himself. remember this....and get some legal representation.
He is trying to control you and reel you back in.
I am sorry that you expect him to behave like a normal human being. He seems to thrive on upsetting you...He doesn't CARE, except about himself. remember this....and get some legal representation.
He is trying to control you and reel you back in.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Yes, I second what everyone else says: Document Everything and Distance Yourself.
You're doing an gutsy thing. In reality you're stronger than him. You always have been. On some level he knows that and it's freaking him out that you're starting to realize it. Stay strong, and be good to yourself.
(And Amy55, I saw your "reason for edit". Too funny!)
You're doing an gutsy thing. In reality you're stronger than him. You always have been. On some level he knows that and it's freaking him out that you're starting to realize it. Stay strong, and be good to yourself.
(And Amy55, I saw your "reason for edit". Too funny!)
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Ok, that's what I'm going to do. Document. I think I already said this but I lied to him the other day. He asked me to shred that hospital paperwork that showed "cocaine abuse" as a reason for his seizure. I said I did but I didn't. I kept it, and my mom kept those crazy texts. And I'm keeping the name-calling texts. And next time he gets drunk and leaves me a crazy voice mail, I'll keep it. Plus, I have documents from all of his drunk in public arrests and his DUI.
Ugh, it makes me so sad that I've ended up here. I have never valued myself really. Looking back, I was SO self-conscious and always doubting myself. When I met him, I was 24. I had my whole life ahead of me. I'm not boasting, I'm no supermodel, but I never had a problem getting attention from guys - I just had no CLUE what to do with it. I was homeschooled, raised in a very conservative religion, and extremely sheltered. The only relationships I've had (3 substantial ones), were not healthy in very similar ways - messed up guy, me trying to save him.
Last night when I left with the boys, AH said something like "Don't change your address anywhere officially yet. Who knows, this might not be permanent. My mom swears once I get this thing taken out of my head (the brain cyst thingy), I'll change my mind and want to be with you again." He sees it as ENTIRELY his choice.
I HAVE to distance myself. That's the only way. It's only when I talk to him that I get upset and feeling this way.
Ugh, it makes me so sad that I've ended up here. I have never valued myself really. Looking back, I was SO self-conscious and always doubting myself. When I met him, I was 24. I had my whole life ahead of me. I'm not boasting, I'm no supermodel, but I never had a problem getting attention from guys - I just had no CLUE what to do with it. I was homeschooled, raised in a very conservative religion, and extremely sheltered. The only relationships I've had (3 substantial ones), were not healthy in very similar ways - messed up guy, me trying to save him.
Last night when I left with the boys, AH said something like "Don't change your address anywhere officially yet. Who knows, this might not be permanent. My mom swears once I get this thing taken out of my head (the brain cyst thingy), I'll change my mind and want to be with you again." He sees it as ENTIRELY his choice.
I HAVE to distance myself. That's the only way. It's only when I talk to him that I get upset and feeling this way.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
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Emmy he is a nasty, angry, mean, spiteful abusive man and I had to swallow hard reading your post bc he sounds so much like my nasty angry abusive xAH.
You try and be civil and want to cooperatively co parent and you think of you're civil he will be too right? Logical. But he is full of rage and darkness and self loathing and he can't be civil or responsible or cooperative and will time and time again lash out at you like this.
I'm guaranteeing you in a day or two he will be sorry and kind and you'll think "this time he can a civil" and you'll try again to co parent w him and he will repeat this cycle again and again.
I'm so sad for you bc I know how you're feeling and have been there too many times to count.
Hard as it may be, just limit any contact to text or email and communicate only about the most necessary stuff.
He's living at the house so he can figure out the bills. It's not your job to help him manage life as a grown man. He is using the talk about $ as a way to suck you in and rage at you about something. My xAH does it too. He will ask an innocuous question and I would answer and next thing I know he's raging at me.
I don't reply anymore to things that aren't directly related to my kids and I have a court order saying that's the limits of conversation he can have w me.
Have you seen a lawyer? Maybe you could get a protective order or something to keep him from contacting you.
I'm so sorry for your pain. Your kids are lucky to have you and you don't deserve your ah's crap at all.
You try and be civil and want to cooperatively co parent and you think of you're civil he will be too right? Logical. But he is full of rage and darkness and self loathing and he can't be civil or responsible or cooperative and will time and time again lash out at you like this.
I'm guaranteeing you in a day or two he will be sorry and kind and you'll think "this time he can a civil" and you'll try again to co parent w him and he will repeat this cycle again and again.
I'm so sad for you bc I know how you're feeling and have been there too many times to count.
Hard as it may be, just limit any contact to text or email and communicate only about the most necessary stuff.
He's living at the house so he can figure out the bills. It's not your job to help him manage life as a grown man. He is using the talk about $ as a way to suck you in and rage at you about something. My xAH does it too. He will ask an innocuous question and I would answer and next thing I know he's raging at me.
I don't reply anymore to things that aren't directly related to my kids and I have a court order saying that's the limits of conversation he can have w me.
Have you seen a lawyer? Maybe you could get a protective order or something to keep him from contacting you.
I'm so sorry for your pain. Your kids are lucky to have you and you don't deserve your ah's crap at all.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Many here have said it, but I'll say it again.
The sooner you get a lawyer, the better. Please don't wait any longer, Emmy. Documenting is important, obviously, but it's time to hire professional help that will give you the face-to-face legal advice/guidance/support/protection that you and your boys need right now.
Hugs to you, Emmy.
The sooner you get a lawyer, the better. Please don't wait any longer, Emmy. Documenting is important, obviously, but it's time to hire professional help that will give you the face-to-face legal advice/guidance/support/protection that you and your boys need right now.
Hugs to you, Emmy.
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