I miss him ...
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 157
I miss him ...
Hi all, first post.
Long story , but I will shorten. 10 years living together and I left my Sig other.
He is sober but has not attended an AA meeting in 9 years. I think I left because he is emotionally unavailable. He withheld affection pushed me away ,never told me he loved me unless I said it first etc. He never apologized blamed me for everything, and so much more.. oh and he was so crabby all the time.
I know it's crazy but I miss him so much! WHY? I know I love him, but I Couldn't live with fear any more , I never felt safe . I have spoken to him, he says he misses me etc.. then says he will call and doesn't . Do you think this could be anything to do with not going to AA or has he just not loved me for a long time? Oh and ps, two weeks before I Moved out he drank a huge guzzle of my wine, what the heck?
I am really struggling , I want him back but I do not want his behaviors. Maybe I Expect too much? A hug, Orr telling me I look good sometimes.. I am not even sure he would take me back, I Am terrified to even talk about it to him. I am scared to call him the fear of rejection is so strong.
Long story , but I will shorten. 10 years living together and I left my Sig other.
He is sober but has not attended an AA meeting in 9 years. I think I left because he is emotionally unavailable. He withheld affection pushed me away ,never told me he loved me unless I said it first etc. He never apologized blamed me for everything, and so much more.. oh and he was so crabby all the time.
I know it's crazy but I miss him so much! WHY? I know I love him, but I Couldn't live with fear any more , I never felt safe . I have spoken to him, he says he misses me etc.. then says he will call and doesn't . Do you think this could be anything to do with not going to AA or has he just not loved me for a long time? Oh and ps, two weeks before I Moved out he drank a huge guzzle of my wine, what the heck?
I am really struggling , I want him back but I do not want his behaviors. Maybe I Expect too much? A hug, Orr telling me I look good sometimes.. I am not even sure he would take me back, I Am terrified to even talk about it to him. I am scared to call him the fear of rejection is so strong.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 243
Hi Horsegirl,
What I've learned so far is we don't deserve to be treated unkindly. Alcohol or no alcohol. It doesnt matter. Best wishes to you. If he's sober, why did he drink your wine? When a guy is angry, I'd stay away so to protect yourself. Be safe & take care if yourself.xo hugs to you
Bernadette777
What I've learned so far is we don't deserve to be treated unkindly. Alcohol or no alcohol. It doesnt matter. Best wishes to you. If he's sober, why did he drink your wine? When a guy is angry, I'd stay away so to protect yourself. Be safe & take care if yourself.xo hugs to you
Bernadette777
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 157
Thanks all, I just 're read my post . Ugh , I sound like a 3rd grader ...
I am confused ,definitely, the mixed signals are the worst , it keeps me guessing .
I would take him back , that's the sad thing ,if only he would ask.
Thanks for the thoughts .
I am confused ,definitely, the mixed signals are the worst , it keeps me guessing .
I would take him back , that's the sad thing ,if only he would ask.
Thanks for the thoughts .
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
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Originally Posted by horsegirl 
Ugh , I sound like a 3rd grader ...
Actually, if you reread your own post, you lay it all out right there:
1)He is sober but has not attended an AA meeting in 9 years.
2)I think I left because he is emotionally unavailable.
3)He withheld affection pushed me away ,never told me he loved me unless I said it first etc.
4)He never apologized blamed me for everything, and so much more.. oh and he was so crabby all the time.
5)I Couldn't live with fear any more
6) I never felt safe
7) says he will call and doesn't
8) two weeks before I Moved out he drank a huge guzzle of my wine
9) I do not want his behaviors.
These are your words. All I did was copy, paste and add a few numbers. Whatever you decide you owe it to yourself to read your post a few more times. Let it sink in. Trust me, I know how hard this is. You're a caring, giving person who just wants that to be reciprocated by the person you love. That is NOT asking to much. You deserve to be happy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by SeriousKarma
Join the class. I think we're all a bunch of grade-schooler when it comes to figuring this stuff out.
Actually, if you reread your own post, you lay it all out right there:
1)He is sober but has not attended an AA meeting in 9 years.
2)I think I left because he is emotionally unavailable.
3)He withheld affection pushed me away ,never told me he loved me unless I said it first etc.
4)He never apologized blamed me for everything, and so much more.. oh and he was so crabby all the time.
5)I Couldn't live with fear any more
6) I never felt safe
7) says he will call and doesn't
8) two weeks before I Moved out he drank a huge guzzle of my wine
9) I do not want his behaviors.
These are your words. All I did was copy, paste and add a few numbers. Whatever you decide you owe it to yourself to read your post a few more times. Let it sink in. Trust me, I know how hard this is. You're a caring, giving person who just wants that to be reciprocated by the person you love. That is NOT asking to much. You deserve to be happy.
Actually, if you reread your own post, you lay it all out right there:
1)He is sober but has not attended an AA meeting in 9 years.
2)I think I left because he is emotionally unavailable.
3)He withheld affection pushed me away ,never told me he loved me unless I said it first etc.
4)He never apologized blamed me for everything, and so much more.. oh and he was so crabby all the time.
5)I Couldn't live with fear any more
6) I never felt safe
7) says he will call and doesn't
8) two weeks before I Moved out he drank a huge guzzle of my wine
9) I do not want his behaviors.
These are your words. All I did was copy, paste and add a few numbers. Whatever you decide you owe it to yourself to read your post a few more times. Let it sink in. Trust me, I know how hard this is. You're a caring, giving person who just wants that to be reciprocated by the person you love. That is NOT asking to much. You deserve to be happy.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 39
I am in the same boat right now. I am missing the good, not the bad. But I have to remember they go together. I think sometimes the drinking makes them completely different and unable to even feel or express emotions. My AXBF moved out 3 weeks ago. Since then he has gone the spectrum from saying he wants to come back, to ignoring my calls and messages, to saying he will call and then he doesn't, or one time he did call and said he wants to talk but then when I called back he didn't answer and we still haven't talked. I totally get why you are missing him...I feel if mine asked me I would take him back too. I am trying to figure out why I am feeling this way. I am going to go to my first al anon tomorrow.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25
I regret not moving out when I should have. Don't go there. It doesn't have to be anyone's fault or failure. It doesn't even have to be forever. Space in a relationship defines boundaries and individuality. You need to know when the alternative is better and how close you want to be. Relationships really don't work out if there isn't growth, respect and understanding. You won't ever find that if you are wasting your time with someone who is unable to give it.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by LifeRoad
I regret not moving out when I should have. Don't go there. It doesn't have to be anyone's fault or failure. It doesn't even have to be forever. Space in a relationship defines boundaries and individuality. You need to know when the alternative is better and how close you want to be. Relationships really don't work out if there isn't growth, respect and understanding. You won't ever find that if you are wasting your time with someone who is unable to give it.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Hello, and welcome to SR, horsegirl. 
I learned a lot of valuable lessons after joining SR. One of them is the following:
In one very significant way, we are a lot like the alcoholics we love. Alcoholics will often drink (feed the addiction) even after they know better. We who love alcoholics will often stay with or return to the alcoholic (feed the addiction) even after we know better.
Leaving a relationship with an alcoholic is like quitting a drug. What you are experiencing is normal and so many of us here understand your pain. You wonder how you will ever get over it and when the pain will stop. Just like AA is to an alcoholic, resources like therapy, Al-Anon, this forum, literature on alcoholism and codependency, etc. are a gift to the person leaving the alcoholic relationship. The more you do to educate yourself and work on you as opposed to focusing on the past and your relationship, the sooner you will find your path to healing and happiness.
It won't happen overnight (I remember wishing that it would), but peace and happiness are attainable. It sounds like you know your decision to leave was the right one for you. I hope you stick around here and keep sharing your concerns and ups and downs. You'll find a lot of strength in the collective wisdom here. We care about you. Keep posting.
I learned a lot of valuable lessons after joining SR. One of them is the following:
In one very significant way, we are a lot like the alcoholics we love. Alcoholics will often drink (feed the addiction) even after they know better. We who love alcoholics will often stay with or return to the alcoholic (feed the addiction) even after we know better.
Leaving a relationship with an alcoholic is like quitting a drug. What you are experiencing is normal and so many of us here understand your pain. You wonder how you will ever get over it and when the pain will stop. Just like AA is to an alcoholic, resources like therapy, Al-Anon, this forum, literature on alcoholism and codependency, etc. are a gift to the person leaving the alcoholic relationship. The more you do to educate yourself and work on you as opposed to focusing on the past and your relationship, the sooner you will find your path to healing and happiness.
It won't happen overnight (I remember wishing that it would), but peace and happiness are attainable. It sounds like you know your decision to leave was the right one for you. I hope you stick around here and keep sharing your concerns and ups and downs. You'll find a lot of strength in the collective wisdom here. We care about you. Keep posting.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Originally Posted by horsegirl
I'm nothing without the two of us
Just like I'm SeriousKarma. Yes, I was married to an alcoholic for 22 years who I loved with all of my heart. Yes, horrible things happened. Yes, that marriage ended. Yes, it was heartbreaking. Yes, my concept of fairy tale romance was a little shaken. But, I'm a person separate from that, and it's up to me (not my X) to define who that person is.
You're horsegirl. From what I can already tell you have some amazing qualities. AND I bet you like horses too! That's not nothing.
I'm sorry I sound like a goofy cheerleader, when probably all you want is a shoulder to cry on. You can do that too. That's ok. But, please, please, please don't sell yourself short.
I'm so glad you went to Alanon. It saved me from drowning in pointless, negative thoughts. I hope it helps you as well. (((( hugs ))))
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Originally Posted by HealingWillCome
Hello, and welcome to SR, horsegirl.
I learned a lot of valuable lessons after joining SR. One of them is the following:
In one very significant way, we are a lot like the alcoholics we love. Alcoholics will often drink (feed the addiction) even after they know better. We who love alcoholics will often stay with or return to the alcoholic (feed the addiction) even after we know better.
Leaving a relationship with an alcoholic is like quitting a drug. What you are experiencing is normal and so many of us here understand your pain. You wonder how you will ever get over it and when the pain will stop. Just like AA is to an alcoholic, resources like therapy, Al-Anon, this forum, literature on alcoholism and codependency, etc. are a gift to the person leaving the alcoholic relationship. The more you do to educate yourself and work on you as opposed to focusing on the past and your relationship, the sooner you will find your path to healing and happiness.
It won't happen overnight (I remember wishing that it would), but peace and happiness are attainable. It sounds like you know your decision to leave was the right one for you. I hope you stick around here and keep sharing your concerns and ups and downs. You'll find a lot of strength in the collective wisdom here. We care about you. Keep posting.
I learned a lot of valuable lessons after joining SR. One of them is the following:
In one very significant way, we are a lot like the alcoholics we love. Alcoholics will often drink (feed the addiction) even after they know better. We who love alcoholics will often stay with or return to the alcoholic (feed the addiction) even after we know better.
Leaving a relationship with an alcoholic is like quitting a drug. What you are experiencing is normal and so many of us here understand your pain. You wonder how you will ever get over it and when the pain will stop. Just like AA is to an alcoholic, resources like therapy, Al-Anon, this forum, literature on alcoholism and codependency, etc. are a gift to the person leaving the alcoholic relationship. The more you do to educate yourself and work on you as opposed to focusing on the past and your relationship, the sooner you will find your path to healing and happiness.
It won't happen overnight (I remember wishing that it would), but peace and happiness are attainable. It sounds like you know your decision to leave was the right one for you. I hope you stick around here and keep sharing your concerns and ups and downs. You'll find a lot of strength in the collective wisdom here. We care about you. Keep posting.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by HealingWillCome
Hello, and welcome to SR, horsegirl.
I learned a lot of valuable lessons after joining SR. One of them is the following:
In one very significant way, we are a lot like the alcoholics we love. Alcoholics will often drink (feed the addiction) even after they know better. We who love alcoholics will often stay with or return to the alcoholic (feed the addiction) even after we know better.
Leaving a relationship with an alcoholic is like quitting a drug. What you are experiencing is normal and so many of us here understand your pain. You wonder how you will ever get over it and when the pain will stop. Just like AA is to an alcoholic, resources like therapy, Al-Anon, this forum, literature on alcoholism and codependency, etc. are a gift to the person leaving the alcoholic relationship. The more you do to educate yourself and work on you as opposed to focusing on the past and your relationship, the sooner you will find your path to healing and happiness.
It won't happen overnight (I remember wishing that it would), but peace and happiness are attainable. It sounds like you know your decision to leave was the right one for you. I hope you stick around here and keep sharing your concerns and ups and downs. You'll find a lot of strength in the collective wisdom here. We care about you. Keep posting.
I learned a lot of valuable lessons after joining SR. One of them is the following:
In one very significant way, we are a lot like the alcoholics we love. Alcoholics will often drink (feed the addiction) even after they know better. We who love alcoholics will often stay with or return to the alcoholic (feed the addiction) even after we know better.
Leaving a relationship with an alcoholic is like quitting a drug. What you are experiencing is normal and so many of us here understand your pain. You wonder how you will ever get over it and when the pain will stop. Just like AA is to an alcoholic, resources like therapy, Al-Anon, this forum, literature on alcoholism and codependency, etc. are a gift to the person leaving the alcoholic relationship. The more you do to educate yourself and work on you as opposed to focusing on the past and your relationship, the sooner you will find your path to healing and happiness.
It won't happen overnight (I remember wishing that it would), but peace and happiness are attainable. It sounds like you know your decision to leave was the right one for you. I hope you stick around here and keep sharing your concerns and ups and downs. You'll find a lot of strength in the collective wisdom here. We care about you. Keep posting.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 157
To all that have replied and all who read and all... It is quite unbelievable that one day you can be in the throws of heartache and the next you can just post a simple thing on a found forum and boom! You have found relief , people understanding , giving great advice , sharing thier stories , it is all so helpful and heart warming . Thanks to all who share and give comfort on this forum , it can be life changing , if just for today
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Originally Posted by horsegirl
To all that have replied and all who read and all... It is quite unbelievable that one day you can be in the throws of heartache and the next you can just post a simple thing on a found forum and boom! You have found relief , people understanding , giving great advice , sharing thier stories , it is all so helpful and heart warming . Thanks to all who share and give comfort on this forum , it can be life changing , if just for today
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