Honshine

Hi all,

I'm back because I'm at the point where I just don't know anymore. I know he needs help (x? abf) for any progress period. I would like to think I didn't enable him like too terribly bad. I would not put up with his drinking or hide it or ignore the issue. I did let him mistreat me and stayed in hopes that he would not throw everything away which is a typical mistake but I'm at peace with it because despite it all I do love him and did all I could do. I made mistakes. I blew my top on occasions which weren't pretty.

I haven't heard from him since he took off which was like a month or so ago. I know he's now lost his job (which he loved) due to being drunk nonstop and has blown thru thousands of dollars drinking and is still at it. I don't work and was a stay at home mom. I'm doing things to get a new home and job etc etc for me and our children so I'm fine. I don't need him to survive I've made it plenty of years before I met him so that's not my concern.

I'm having periods of ups and downs. I don't know how to just let go and he's been ignoring me which u know... not much anyone can do about that. I just really thought he wasn't this kind of person. He resents me so much. We've been together for 2 1/2 years. And... idk... now that I've writting it I find that I don't even want to talk about it. He just abandoned us (me and 3 kids) and its hard to process. Hes been telling people he's done with me and I'm controlling (no I just didn't let him drink freely and steal our car for days on his binges) its beyond repair and I'm a psycho etc etc but he still cares about his kids (who he hasn't even bothered to see or support as he's blowing every dime at the bar and can't even take the time to get diapers).

I'm okay with that. However I've never heard anything LIKE that come out of his mouth ever. I know its prob just a mask so he can 'look' good and pin it on something else. But I'm just so sad. He has left me completely in the dark and refuses to even speak to me. His friends say if I even come up he gets anxiety bad and just shuts down immediately. :/ which confuses me.

He's lost his job. He's almost out of money. He hasn't paid any bills. The waters been shut off so we have to stay elsewhere. He hasn't paid the mortgage. His credit is about to be destroyed. He will not be able to hold down a job period. The only reason he lasted at his last one is because they loved him and covered for him a lot (which ended few months ago) and because I kept putting him back together when he'd fall apart (the area where I did enable but encouraged sobriety).

I just don't understand. I don't understand why he hates me so much and is just sooooo done yet gets anxiety when I'm brought up and refuses to speak to me. Its ignorant. And he's smarter than this. I really hate addiction. I know its gotten long. And I've lost my train of thought. I'm just not having a good day. He's an amazing person really. But he's an amazing drunk too lol (as in like wooooow... what a moron) Im sad.

Blueskies25

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. It sounds like ur doing everything right and that you're keeping on trucking on for you and your children. My STBXAH did the same and even used very much the same words, ie I'm controlling etc etc, then lost his job yadda yadda and I was utterly heartbroken (and continue to be v v annoyed sometimes) by the false things he said but, like you, I concluded it was all an attempt to pin it on me for his own benefit and so he looked better. It seems to be almost standard round here. But ouch, it hurts. But it will hurt less as you progress. I don't have advice other than hang on in there, but I can tell you that you're absolutely not alone. Sending you high fuves and well done and good luck with the new home and job too. ((((-:

Honshine

Thank you. Its just hard. I love him. Truly. If this is what he wants its his life but to be so inhuman and dump everything on me. Its just sad. We were so great together. Alcohol just got in the way (and his low life drunken mother and sister). I feel like... this isn't the natural two people just fell out of love and it ended. I feel like my love was taken from me by something I have no control over. And its harder to handle.

FeelingGreat

Hi Hon, you know it's the alcohol talking. I think deep down alcoholics are capable of love and caring, but he's at the pointy end now. No job, no family, defaulting on payment and so on. It's consuming him, and he can't deal with anything else. I'm sure he had sincere feelings for his family when he was in control; now isn't the time for you to dwell on what was real or not.
You sound like such a capable person; you're children are lucky.

Honshine

Thank u so much. I would have to be a capable person to put up with his episodes and family without setting anyone on fire lol. And I would like to think its the alcohol talking but he's just sooooo over the edge lately. Part of me wonders if he's all good and dandy (even tho he's more than likely not but Idk for sure so...) and maybe I really did make him miserable (with my need for him to be sober so we could finally grow as a couple). I know Im not bad for that. He's an addict and addiction self preservates. I just keep holding on to some shred of hope that he'll wake up realize what HE has done and get help and... just... not give up on us. (I can't be with him like this I know that nor do I want to) Im scared. And I'm sad. None of this is my fault but all he can do is point fingers like a classic alcoholic. I've been trying to see it as the him i loved is dead. So... with time I'm sure ill feel better. This is an unfortunate situation. I just want to let go but don't know how. And I'm afraid that when I do hell talk to me and set me back.

9111111

I'm so so sorry. This is a really tough situation.

I can't tell you if he feels love for you, only he can. But I "see" what you told us: that he went drinking and left you behind with the kids in a house that has no water.
He didn't abandon you because you are not worthy of loving and care, but because drinking is what he "loves" most in his life.

Anxiety can be a "cover" emotion for other stuffed down feelings such as guilt or anger. Like you said I don't think you did anything to cause him to be anxious of you, but he sure did something he can feel guilty about...

I know how terrible it is to be left behind in an alcoholic mess, kuddos to you for making changes for a better future for you and your kids. You all deserve it.

marie1960

So he has ran off, lost his job, spent all the money on booze, the water has been shut off, you and your three kids had to be uprooted from your home and he is amazing?

With gentleness, I can only suggest, remove the blinders, seek out an attorney, find out what your legal rights are, and move on.

This isn't about you, friend, he doesn't hate you. He is an unavailable partner, he is doing what addict do. It would serve you best to let go of any magical notion that your love can fix him. I am sorry that you are hurting, but this is what can transpire when we choose an alcoholic for a partner.

You and your kids deserve better, You deserve honesty, peace, security, respect and love. You are the only one that can give your family what is needed, time to turn the focus inward, concentrate on building a healthy new home for you and the kids, and let this guy go, he can only continue to drag you down if you allow him to. Empower YOU. take your life back.

Bernadette777

Hi Honshine,

My heart goes out you & your kids. I understand totally how you feel robbed of your love from the alcohol. And my exAbf was amazing too without the drinking & drugs... then the feelings coming in waves of a few days you're strong the next day you're crying. I know. But from reading the posts and educationist ourselves - we will get better. I think what I learned since yesterday goes like this... If the A's choose to immerse themselves in negative acts (even if its a disease driven act) then we need to immerse ourselves in the opposite action of instead of only thinking of the A's needs -we need to immerse ourselves on positive actions & surroundings. I pray for you & your children & the your A will get sober. God bless you.

Chelsea1029

I have struggled so much with AHs anger and resentment toward me, not understanding it. However I have learned here that it's not us, it's much easier to be angry at us than themselves. They wouldn't be able to deny their problem if they accepted responsibility.
I am sorry you are going through this, I know it's heartbreaking for what could be. It's a daily struggle but it helps to try accepting it is the way it is and we can't do anything to change it. And focus and yourself and the kids.