EmmyG

I went to see a therapist last Saturday. She is the therapist AH and I went to for couples counseling about 18 months ago. That went HORRIBLY. I was happy with her, but she went really easy on AH for the first few sessions, and he enjoyed that. Once the conversation turned toward him, he couldn't handle it. He accused us of turning on him and got up and stormed out, said "F YOU" to me. I left sobbing. I had always intended to go back to her.

So anyway, I went back to her last weekend. She listened to me, but that's about it. She definitely told me I was on the right path, and she felt I'm doing the right thing, but she didn't really give me much more than that. I didn't leave feeling particularly encouraged. I basically felt like I already knew all of the issues and the answers (because how do you disagree with someone telling you they're leaving an abusive situation I guess), and she just nodded her head a lot.

Do you think she was just letting me unload, and next time she'll go more in depth, or should I try someone different? I wanted more comfort for the money lol.

LoveMeNow

IMO, she is most likely letting you just talk while she listens. The hard work hasn't begun yet because eventually she will only want you to talk about you. It was probably several months before my therapist said to me "well, it's been 40 mins until you brought your husband up. That's a huge improvement." To be honest, I wasn't even realizing the progress I had made. Therapy takes times. I would give her a few more sessions and see how you feel then.

thotful

For me, I didn't realize my counselor was noticing things early on, but waited to bring them up (perhaps waiting until I was ready to truly receive them?). For example, he believed there was an issue with alcoholism within my family at DAY 1, but didn't mention it. It was much later when I started talking about my father's drinking. That's when he suggested Al-Anon. I think it was a smart move on his part. I'm not sure I would have gone if he had suggested it right off of the bat. Over time, he has talked more about his thoughts. I'm wondering the same thing - is he waiting until he thinks I am ready? Don't know. But it is really working. It's SOOO much more of a rewarding feeling to come to my own understanding of myself. Recently, he told me that he noticed a major change in the way I speak of my sister. She had issues with drugs in her past, and I feel much more compassion about that than before. I've got my own addictions to worry about too!

Just my two cents.

Mellybug

My therapist lets me decide what direction the session will go in. If I want to discuss the drinking issue, she'll let me do that. If I want to talk about my successes the past week (or 2 weeks as I see her every other now) she lets me do that. Her philosophy is that I pay her for this time, and I can control how it goes.
If she sees me getting particularly upset about an issue, she'll ask me direct questions such as, "Did you mean to hurt him when you...." which reminded me that even if it DID hurt him, my intentions were not malicious, therefore, I shouldn't be so harsh on myself. She has offered me suggestions on books to read that could be helpful, and after I found Al Anon groups in the area, I shared the schedule with her to pass along to other patients if she felt it was appropriate (she asked me for them).
My very first session she asked what I want from her...and I was able to tell her. I had seen another therapist for a while that I didn't feel I got anything from, so I was able to tell her what my expectations were. It makes me think - what is it you're expecting from her? What is it you hope to accomplish by seeing this therapist - or ANY therapist? Knowing what you hope to gain from therapy may help you both figure out a good direction to go in.

A story my mom told me: She and my dad went to marriage counseling, but he would only go if HE got to pick the counselor. She agreed. After 2 sessions the counselor suggested that he could be "wrong" about something...he stood up, cursed them BOTH out (by the way, the counselor was his PASTOR), and stormed out. Said he'd never go again...and my parents divorced. He absolutely would NOT concede that he could do ANYTHING wrong. He was that way until the last month of his life when he was dying of cancer, and I was helping Hospice in his final transition. We were able to actually talk about some of these things, and he was very humbled. Yes, we were able to put all of the hard years behind us...but we weren't able to have a relationship afterwards with this new "understanding" because he passed.

Live

It takes time for your therapist to get to know you and your story and what you need. If you feel comfortable talking to her, I'd suggest giving it more time, and feel free to express what you need from the therapy to her. therapists love it when their clients have goals.

theuncertainty

The T I'd been seeing let me talk and talk. If I'd stopped for a bit, she'd ask a question, but she let me decide what I needed to do. And I really needed to talk.

Like Live noted, you can ask her questions or tell her what you're looking for. It does take time. And progress isn't always easy for us to see. I'd commented once, after I'd been seeing her a while, that I didn't feel like I was getting any where. Maybe I was just ignoring everything again..? She spoke with me about our first session and the stuff I'd brought up and let me realize I was miles from where I was when we started.

Stung

I think the first two times I saw mine I did 99% of the talking, mainly because she needed to know what had happened and there was just so much to cover. After that we talked about him and my issues with him and now its all about me. I really like my counselor though and I LOVE that she specializes in addiction. Our marriage counselor did NOT know anything about addiction so she gave us really bad advice just because she didn't know any better. In September she told my husband that he wasn't an alcoholic but on the cusp of becoming one. Unfortunately, the three of us knew next to nothing about alcoholism and by September he was already a major alcoholic and drinking daily but then she went and told him that he wasn't. Bad, bad, bad.

Seren

Perhaps keep going for about 6 or so sessions and see how it goes? Your decision, but I think patience is the key right now--it was for me anyway

JustAGirl1971

Hi, Emmy. My XAH & I also went to counseling for a while last year. Similar thing happened with us. Started off easier... the more real it got, the more XAH pulled away until he informed me after our last session that he would not be returning. I continued with that counselor on my own for 2 months. I really liked her & she's really good at what she does (family & marriage counseling) but she had limited experience with alcoholics. I recently started with a new counselor who has more experience with alcoholism & 12 step programs. She's also in practice with my children's counselor which is helpful. My first session was much like you described. I really think the first few sessions are really more for them to obtain background information and for us to establish a rapport. Not that it's not helpful, just that until we've established trust, the amount of 'help' they can provide us is limited.

SparkleKitty

Developing a relationship with a therapist takes time, but it was worth it for me to have built that foundation of understanding and trust. I was in therapy for five years...though I do recall having very similar feelings early on of things not moving quickly enough.

You have spent a lifetime building up the experiences that have led you to where you are today. While your awareness of issues seems strong right now, understanding and unraveling those issues is not going to happen in a single session, or even a few. Therapy is a long-term investment. Stay strong and keep focused on the goal. You are doing great.

Florence

Definitely talk to your therapist about what goals you have and ask what goals she is forming for you, and what kind of therapy she does. Al-Anon and AA are remarkably similar to CBT therapy, so that might be something you look for. I had a lot of success with CBT, but what made the game change was a heavy dose of "inner child" therapy at the end. (It sounds nuts, and you'll have to trust me it was definitely woo woo and I felt nuts doing it, but it worked for me.)

I'm a big believer in counseling. When done well, it's more than worthwhile.

fedup3

I agree with the others and give it some time to see if she is the right T. I've been going now for over 2 yrs and I began to think is this really helping me and when my T read back where I was at the beginning I couldn't believe that I had made the progress I had, I was in such a bad place then. So hang in there and give it a few more sessions.

lillamy

I went through three Ts before I found one I clicked with.

That said -- my first session was pretty telling. In my mind, the fact that she let you talk for the entire first session is a good thing. It means she is wanting to hear your story; she understands you need to put it into words; and she's not having preconceived notions of what is the right thing for you to do.

Two of the Ts I met with heard the word "alcoholic" and then proceeded to give me their take on "what you have to do now." That was not what I needed.

I think a T who listens to your story and lets you take your time to paint the picture is someone who will help you find your solutions. In my mind, it's a good sign.