lostsadalone

Four weeks ago I finally let it all go. My AH drank and of course lied about it and as usual a conversation turned into a major argument though as usual I tried to avoid saying anything that could even remotely irritate him. I picked up a dining room chair and slammed it on the floor breaking it.... It was at that moment that I realized that I am addicted to my alcoholic and as much as I love him after 17 years of trying to save him I had to let go or continue becoming someone I am not... this is the scariest place I have ever been in my life. As a child of alcoholics, a sister to an alcoholic who lost his life to the disease and a niece to an alcoholic who also lost his life I also realized that I have probably always been codependent and an enabler (though I have no clue how I enable as I don't understand that aspect yet); to take on this journey is terrifying as I have no clue who or what I am other then a codie... will I find my identity and if I do will I lose what is so precious to me?

LightInside

You could lose what is precious, but you could gain something even more precious. I do think that's the truth, though I haven't made my precious gain yet (unless you count the child my AX helped me create).

I think the beauty in your (probably painful) realization is that you just "admitted you have a problem." You may have hit your bottom. If that's the case, there's nowhere to go but up. The beauty is that you know what should work for your AH (treatment? AA?), so you can kind of apply it to yourself. If it's an addiction, then you can recover and you can figure out all the details (your path to recovery, who, when, where, why, how).

Congratulations! I am sorry if that's too goofy. It's always much easier for me to see the light in someone else's business than in my own. I'm just getting started with quitting my addiction to my XA over here. There is definitely a painful withdrawal that I just made it through the worst of (I hope). Sometimes I even think to myself, that if this is how much pain X would go through to quit drinking, then I sure do understand why he won't/wouldn't quit. This sucks!

The upside is that if I stick with my recovery tools, I will get to the good place. The Serenity. I hope we are there together, even if only through the internet.

CodeJob

Hugs.

lostsadalone

Thanks for that Light, we will make it together... I plan on sticking around for as long as I need and beyond to reach out to others. The hardest part of the realization for me is realizing that I cannot "save" him, I never could and to think for 17 years I tried. I love him, he is a good man and much more bad to himself then he is to me ever but I guess I am just tired... it hurts to watch him hurt himself and though he doesn't do it everyday (he still does it and he doesn't need to) it pains me to see how little he feels he is worth. I have just reached that point for me, I want to be healthy and have a more fufilling life for me, do things I want to do, nuture my passions and perhaps find new ones like writing a book...

Here's to all of us who are walking this path... I am so glad we can take the journey together.