Saint Francis

Finally, I’m getting out! I’ve never said this before. I always think I’m close to being ready but than fear takes over. I keep waiting for that “revelation”-- that leaving is the right choice. There should have been several over the many years. I always thought that somehow my staying was helping my AH. My major motivator is helping people: Like buying a business with 21 employees to “provide them with a job.” But the book of hard knocks has taught me “the road to h*ll is paved by good intentions.” Whose h*ll? My h*ll on earth?

I thought my AH needed me. He needed help because his multiple alcohol-induced leg injures have left him disabled, dependent on a walker, or sometimes butt-scooting. But really, I was just the excuse he needed to continue on with his behavior--didn’t help and he didn’t stop drinking. He broke his ankle, again, in December. On top of his 3 knee surgeries and 3 broken legs over the last 14 years, all separate incidents.

Five years ago I urged him to get SS Disability. I gathered the info, filled out the forms, got my friends to fill out forms confirming the extent of his disability. He was rejected 4 times then finally, he was accepted! He also has Medicare. Good news, right? I thought finally we could pay off the credit cards $24K, racked up to pay for these surgeries (no health insurance), and his DUI. Guess not, he talked to his Dad and they researched that the 2 years of back pay benefits all belong to him. He refuses to use it “to pay a dime towards any bills.” It’s all his money. He blamed me for all of the bills. The mortgage is my fault too I guess. I always have been the one to pay bills and manage the money for both us and our business. So this is the thanks I get for staying and “helping.”

I surrender. I guess now I am forced to get a $5k lawyer and start the divorce process, kicking and screaming. But I’m doing it. Even then, I’m not sure how it will turn out. The +$50 K back pay disability could all go to him. Florida is not a “community property” state, it’s “equitable” i.e. depends on the lawyers and judge. Who gets the disability money? Who will get the upside down house? Who get’s the failing business which is down 80% from 8 years ago? Who gets stuck with $24K in credit cards, in my name? Oh yes, he’s on a 3 week bender, now with more celebration, racking up more debt on my credit cards because no checks have come yet.

Really, it just breaks my heart that I thought I was helping just to get slapped in the face and have others conspire against me with the alcoholic. I hope they’re ready to help because soon I’ll be gone with the babies (cats and a bad Beagle).

EmmyG

Try to take a little comfort in knowing you're not alone (by far). I made that decision this week, too. I'm moving out tomorrow. Very hard but how much can a person take?! You can't help someone who won't help themselves. It's so hard to make the decision to remove yourself, but there are so many people in similar situations. Just try to breathe for now, and it sounds like you're definitely doing the right thing here.

amy55

Saint Francis,

Call Social Security. If the medical records show he is an alcoholic, then he needs a Representative Payee. The check then would not be sent to him.

Saint Francis

Amy, hmmm, really?? Records should show he's an alcoholic. Had not considered that. Thanks. Is that SS records or dr. records?

amy55

SF, if he also said alcoholism on the application, or if any of his disabilities are related to alcoholism, they will want a rep payee.

From the things that you put here before, I can't determine that. I am assuming he got an award letter from SS. but not the money yet. If he needs a rep payee because of alcholism, they can also appoint his father. SS usually does ask who should be appointed rep payee? If you want to PM me you can. I used to work for Social Security

amy55

Did you see the award letter? It might have said that he needs a Representative Payee. I'm assuming that you didn't see this.

amy55

If any of his disability related conditions had to do with alcoholism they would want him to get a Representative Payee to receive his checks for him. If not, meaning that he wasn't approved for an alcoholism related problem, then there might not be too much that you can do about it.

Stung

Cancel your credit cards. Do not allow him to rack up anymore debt under your name.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that your divorce goes in your favor and congrats on your new freedom!!

Saint Francis

Yes, but one time I did cancel the credit cards. It caused much resistance! When a person declares war, expect a war. I'm sure people will feel sorry for the poor, disabled baby too. And negativity takes sooo much energy. (I'm already with a flu for a week) Believe me, I want to cancel the cards. Maybe there's a distant hope he'll sober up and come to his senses. I have appts. with lawyers next week the soonest I can get. I'll do what they suggest. Pray for me or pray for what's "right and fair."

FeelingGreat

Hi Saint Francis, excuse me if I indulge myself by being outraged on your behalf. He's not paying his medical bills!!! That's beyond selfish.
I agree with the others that a basic precaution would be to cancel the cards because as soon as he gets wind of your divorce intentions who knows what he'll do.
We have equity divorces here, and it can work in your favour if you can prove he's an alcoholic, that his injuries were a result of his alcoholism and that he's refusing to contribute to the bills he's racked up. Make sure you get a good lawyer to represent your POV.
You know all this of course...my very best wishes to you. Hang in there.

Saint Francis

I don't know how to prove that alcohol was why he fell all those time. I have an ER report from 4 years ago that he was at .49 (but he only hurt his head that time). Dr. said most are dead at that level. Such a lovely March 4 years ago. We have a March domestic violence. March broken leg. April broken knee cap. March broken wire on knee cap. April DUI. And that's just the last 5 years. Gotta laugh, or cry. Don't ask me why I stay...I could be in Mensa but my emotional IQ is that of an autistic (not sarcastic), if that. (Self loathing.) Thanks for your support. It's what I need because I'm unhappy I stayed so long and when the big "payoff" comes, I'm out in the cold. Surprise. Not.

FeelingGreat

SF, with an emergency room record of .049(!) and a DUI, at least you have some support for saying he is an alcoholic. This is where you need to help your lawyer by getting together everything you can that supports your contention. That would be credit card records, witnesses, DV police attendance, any ER records from the leg/kneecap visits and so on.
Sometimes not having much EI can be an advantage; use your intelligence to marshall all the facts and records at your disposal.
I was wondering whether a lawyer can put a lien on his payout so it has to be used to pay debts? If that's possible you'll need to get legal advice asap.

steelman1649

Cancel the credit cards!!!! Why are they still open??!!!!

Saint Francis

Working on the credit cards-one of three gone. However, with the business, I can't cancel the business one in his name so he'll use it for personal and let me figure out the breakdown. Found out today he diverted his mail to a PO Box and started a new checking account to put the check into. Can't get to talk to any lawyer until next week. Feeling sick and upset about it. I'm also heartsick that someone could be so mean and that my bed-ridden father in law is leading the charge.

FeelingGreat

I agree that it's appalling - hope you get to the lawyer in time.