spouses and control
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 125
spouses and control
So... Its my 42 bday and thoughtful husband made reservations at this great French place. This is only my seond weekend not drinking and I know I will want wine w dinner. He knows it too. I think he just wants me to be normal and be able to split a bottle of wine w dinner. I'm a little annoyed. He knows I'm trying to abstain. I almost feel like I should just do it, get it over with and then start over again. He thinks he can control what I drink.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Southern U.S.
Posts: 1,030
Happy birthday, serenity! How about since it's your birthday, you get to pick a place to eat that won't be as tempting? Those reservations can be undone and revisited another time. Is there somewhere you like to eat that doesn't serve alcohol, or at least is not as triggering as a fancy French place? Also, you could make it so that the dinner is just a small part of the night and plan something afterwards like a movie or a walk. Celebrate your birthday and your sobriety!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
most fancy french places have San Pellegrino.
Why not try thanking him for making a thoughtful reservation for your birthday, remind him that your sobriety is the most important thing about your turning 42. Tell him that what you really want for your birthday is his support in that aim.
Let him know he doesn't need to feel awkward and if he wants wine, ask him to order a nice wine by the glass, but please not by the bottle or any offered to you.
You have to make the call yourself - but for my part I really loved a good wine. In my sobriety, I've been to many dinners and chosen to remain sober while others around me enjoyed fine wine. Had to remind myself going into it and sometimes DURING it, but have always felt good about my decision afterward and even during when any little niggles of a craving passed.
San Pellegrino feels fancy and special and most good restaurants have it.
Whatver you do, I encourage you to communicate. The words of your post seem to indicate you are making some inferences about your husband's intent. Keeping those inferences to ourselves, not speaking our truth and our concerns in a caring way, trying not to make assumptions but getting what is important out in the open is really critical in ANY relationship - even moreso in a relationship where one is in recovery and the other is not.
also; happy birthday!
May your 42nd year be abundant, joyous and SOBER.
Why not try thanking him for making a thoughtful reservation for your birthday, remind him that your sobriety is the most important thing about your turning 42. Tell him that what you really want for your birthday is his support in that aim.
Let him know he doesn't need to feel awkward and if he wants wine, ask him to order a nice wine by the glass, but please not by the bottle or any offered to you.
You have to make the call yourself - but for my part I really loved a good wine. In my sobriety, I've been to many dinners and chosen to remain sober while others around me enjoyed fine wine. Had to remind myself going into it and sometimes DURING it, but have always felt good about my decision afterward and even during when any little niggles of a craving passed.
San Pellegrino feels fancy and special and most good restaurants have it.
Whatver you do, I encourage you to communicate. The words of your post seem to indicate you are making some inferences about your husband's intent. Keeping those inferences to ourselves, not speaking our truth and our concerns in a caring way, trying not to make assumptions but getting what is important out in the open is really critical in ANY relationship - even moreso in a relationship where one is in recovery and the other is not.
also; happy birthday!
May your 42nd year be abundant, joyous and SOBER.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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You won't be hurting him as much as hurting yourself.
My suggestion is to not go to the restaurant for supper. It's your birthday and you should enjoy it, so why not choose to go somewhere where alcohol will not be a feature? Do something for you by staying sober.
My suggestion is to not go to the restaurant for supper. It's your birthday and you should enjoy it, so why not choose to go somewhere where alcohol will not be a feature? Do something for you by staying sober.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 125
Lots of good advice. Thank u. Iikr the idea of ordering Pellegrino. I don't know if I will share my feelings with him st this point ot not but freeowl I heard u loud and clear when you said these are my inferences and my truth...not necessarily his intentions. Thank u.
Whatever you do, don't drink! It would make the day after your birthday not so happy. 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Brooklyn, ny
Posts: 734
Happy B'Day! I hope you put your sobriety first and do what's best for you. That's not being selfish. Both your lives will be better in the long run. Have a great dinner and don't forget dessert!
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Lost in the midwest
Posts: 443
Ya know, I have spent a lot of time wrestling with making this MY decision to quit drinking. I relied heavily on my husbands opinion, basically when I wasnt strong enough, and inevitably every time I would drink. Of course he enjoyed the Buzzed up wife, but the wife always ends up HAMMERED. He doesnt know my thoughts or my feelings. he doesnt have to live with the noise in my head. He doesnt have to live with the guilt shame and remorse-- and fortunately, for me, I dont have to either, as long as I stay sober. Funny how those voices and emotions and feelings quiet down when they arent fueled by chardonnay.
My point is, Only I can make those choices, and only I have to deal with the inside job, as a result of my choices. Best of luck. Im sorry to see that you caved, but I can honestly say that it has taken every single drink that I have had to get me where I am today. There is a lesson that has been learned in each drink, some learned easily and some not so much. Glad to see you are giving it another go. Easy does it!
My point is, Only I can make those choices, and only I have to deal with the inside job, as a result of my choices. Best of luck. Im sorry to see that you caved, but I can honestly say that it has taken every single drink that I have had to get me where I am today. There is a lesson that has been learned in each drink, some learned easily and some not so much. Glad to see you are giving it another go. Easy does it!
01-14-2019
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,217
Years ago when I did a sober period it was a rift for us. Then I drank again and on bad days he asked me to drink better. Getting ripped together was our thing. However in public, passing out or being obnoxious was a no no.
So I did a trial quit this year and made it six weeks. Then I starting bingeing weekends to make up for lost time I think.
Took an ER trip for him to get it. He now is supporting my sobriety, but he still drinks. He'll have his wasted weekends and not so wasted weekends. He's more supportive than normal but not sold. He thinks IOP or AA are unnecessary.
Here's the lesson for me, yes he's my spouse. However, when it comes to this I have to do it for me. It took a long long time to learn that, and it's very recent.
I'm glad you are trying again after having the wine.
So I did a trial quit this year and made it six weeks. Then I starting bingeing weekends to make up for lost time I think.
Took an ER trip for him to get it. He now is supporting my sobriety, but he still drinks. He'll have his wasted weekends and not so wasted weekends. He's more supportive than normal but not sold. He thinks IOP or AA are unnecessary.
Here's the lesson for me, yes he's my spouse. However, when it comes to this I have to do it for me. It took a long long time to learn that, and it's very recent.
I'm glad you are trying again after having the wine.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by serenitynowplz 
I caved and had 2 glasses of wine with dinner and then two after as well. Felt like crap today. Back on track today.
Could you possibly use the experience to talk with him about how you felt - going into it, why you gave into it, how you felt after it, what it means to you to break this cycle?
Have you clarified those things for yourself yet?
I wish you strength, progress and sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 373
Hi Serenity, I'm glad you are back with us. It's tough managing sobriety when your spouse isn't completely abstaining, too. I'm not sure how my husband and I will handle this in the end, but I am fortunate in that he is mostly hanging in there with me, aside from bringing home beer this weekend.
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