Trying Again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Yellow Springs, OH
Posts: 5
Trying Again
Good morning. This group helped me become able to leave my AH over two years ago, and to move on with my life, which is now richer and more satisfying than ever. I continue to work on my codependency issues and on repairing the damage done by those years.
I'm reaching back out to you all because AH has now been sober for a year (and is getting treated for the schizophrenia that was complicating matters on top of the addiction) and we want to try again. No marriage, no cohabitation, no financial or legal entanglements, just "going steady," to see if there's enough there to build a healthy relationship.
There's no doubt that his life has changed for the better. He is emotionally more stable, takes full responsibility for his own life and choices, and acknowledges the damage he has done to me and to himself and is trying to make amends. I still love him, and I have enormous respect for the efforts he is making to rebuild his life.
I understand the risks of making another attempt with this man, when either or both of us could so so easily end up going back down the old path. That's why I'm asking for the support of your wisdom and experience. I love the guy--sober and medicated, he's amazing and I want that as part of my life. But I know I need to respect myself and the growth I've fought so hard for these last two years. I've made it clear that I will not interact with him at all if he is drinking or if he stops taking his medication. We both agree that we are still far too early in recovery to even consider anything beyond dating, and that we need to work on building a healthy, open, trusting friendship more than anything else.
Friends, I don't want to step one toe on the road backwards to chaos, terror and misery. I am willing to walk away from this if and when it becomes unsustainable. But this is the man I've loved for over 25 years, he's made the commitment to a better life and is walking the walk. How do I move forward to explore whether this could work without jeopardizing how far we've both come?
Thank you in advance.
I'm reaching back out to you all because AH has now been sober for a year (and is getting treated for the schizophrenia that was complicating matters on top of the addiction) and we want to try again. No marriage, no cohabitation, no financial or legal entanglements, just "going steady," to see if there's enough there to build a healthy relationship.
There's no doubt that his life has changed for the better. He is emotionally more stable, takes full responsibility for his own life and choices, and acknowledges the damage he has done to me and to himself and is trying to make amends. I still love him, and I have enormous respect for the efforts he is making to rebuild his life.
I understand the risks of making another attempt with this man, when either or both of us could so so easily end up going back down the old path. That's why I'm asking for the support of your wisdom and experience. I love the guy--sober and medicated, he's amazing and I want that as part of my life. But I know I need to respect myself and the growth I've fought so hard for these last two years. I've made it clear that I will not interact with him at all if he is drinking or if he stops taking his medication. We both agree that we are still far too early in recovery to even consider anything beyond dating, and that we need to work on building a healthy, open, trusting friendship more than anything else.
Friends, I don't want to step one toe on the road backwards to chaos, terror and misery. I am willing to walk away from this if and when it becomes unsustainable. But this is the man I've loved for over 25 years, he's made the commitment to a better life and is walking the walk. How do I move forward to explore whether this could work without jeopardizing how far we've both come?
Thank you in advance.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome BACK to SR, NewMary! Glad to hear you found help here before and have made such progress since then.
I don't know that I have any experience that would be useful to you, but you know how it is here--pretty soon folks who DO know how to help will be along w/words of wisdom.
I wish you strength and clarity as you continue your recovery.
I don't know that I have any experience that would be useful to you, but you know how it is here--pretty soon folks who DO know how to help will be along w/words of wisdom.
I wish you strength and clarity as you continue your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome back NewMary!
Part of my codependency in relationships is not knowing when to let go and end it. When I finally managed to pull out in previous relationships, I had a self-imposed rule that there was no going back. I felt like I had already tried it as it dragged on in the painful knowing it was over but try to recapture the previous level of relationship for too long. So far I cannot give up on my marriage, so I would likely have to put this rule on my heart with iron chains, if I manage to end it. However, knowing my attraction to a partner is messed up is going to make me so doubtful to date.
I think "going steady" and having clear boundaries is a safe approach. I have limited experience with schizophrenics, but they are notorious for coming off their meds (not that I blame them as they take some serious stuff). One of my friends is a MSW and that is her work, trying to keep them in society and functioning. She has a heart of gold but I am painfully aware she is paid a pittance and the resources are near zero.
Part of my codependency in relationships is not knowing when to let go and end it. When I finally managed to pull out in previous relationships, I had a self-imposed rule that there was no going back. I felt like I had already tried it as it dragged on in the painful knowing it was over but try to recapture the previous level of relationship for too long. So far I cannot give up on my marriage, so I would likely have to put this rule on my heart with iron chains, if I manage to end it. However, knowing my attraction to a partner is messed up is going to make me so doubtful to date.
I think "going steady" and having clear boundaries is a safe approach. I have limited experience with schizophrenics, but they are notorious for coming off their meds (not that I blame them as they take some serious stuff). One of my friends is a MSW and that is her work, trying to keep them in society and functioning. She has a heart of gold but I am painfully aware she is paid a pittance and the resources are near zero.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello!
It is wonderful that you have both made such wonderful progress. I think how you can go forward is to analyze how you will feel when and if you end up back together. Will fear be overpowering for you (I ask as it would be for me), or will you be able to detatch and keep up your clean boundaries and be able to walk if you would have to?
I believe my husband who I just left is undiagnosed bipolar. Even if he were to completely straighten out his life, I know enough about mental illness to know I would not be able to live it again. I also know I don't want to be stuck with him in my "Golden Years." That sounds horrible, but it is true. I am looking long range here and it took me alot of years to learn to look at that long range for myself instead of just him.
So I think that is what you should do too. Look at the long range and see what you want out of it and what borders and boundaries you can keep up with.
I wish you all the best of luck and both of you many blessings!
It is wonderful that you have both made such wonderful progress. I think how you can go forward is to analyze how you will feel when and if you end up back together. Will fear be overpowering for you (I ask as it would be for me), or will you be able to detatch and keep up your clean boundaries and be able to walk if you would have to?
I believe my husband who I just left is undiagnosed bipolar. Even if he were to completely straighten out his life, I know enough about mental illness to know I would not be able to live it again. I also know I don't want to be stuck with him in my "Golden Years." That sounds horrible, but it is true. I am looking long range here and it took me alot of years to learn to look at that long range for myself instead of just him.
So I think that is what you should do too. Look at the long range and see what you want out of it and what borders and boundaries you can keep up with.
I wish you all the best of luck and both of you many blessings!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Yellow Springs, OH
Posts: 5
That's the thing--sober and medicated, he appears to be exactly who I want to spend my Golden Years with. So I guess I just want to walk along the journey with him for a while and see whether it looks like a good fit, or if it's just wishful thinking on my part. I have lots of fears, maybe even PTSD as a result of the bad years we spent together, but as long as I have my own life and my own home to retreat to, I think those may continue to heal if I spend some time with this new, gentle, honest person. And if he's not those things with me, I'm not having any part of it.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Good for you! It sounds like you are very aware and in tune to all of this. I encourage you to get treatment for yourself if you have PTSD. You deserve to take the best care of you. It is wonderful to hear a success story, and I wish you many more years of success and happiness!
Originally Posted by NewMary 
That's the thing--sober and medicated, he appears to be exactly who I want to spend my Golden Years with. So I guess I just want to walk along the journey with him for a while and see whether it looks like a good fit, or if it's just wishful thinking on my part. I have lots of fears, maybe even PTSD as a result of the bad years we spent together, but as long as I have my own life and my own home to retreat to, I think those may continue to heal if I spend some time with this new, gentle, honest person. And if he's not those things with me, I'm not having any part of it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
It sounds like you have already made up your mind about reconnecting with your ex.
Probably a good thing that you decided to post here again. I am not familiar with your back story, but I do understand wanting to rekindle a past love.
He has sought treatment on is own and is taking positive steps towards his recovery. That is great for him. The combo of schizophrenia and alcoholism is really tough to manage long term. If you get involved again and he starts behaving strangely, will you minimize what is going on? Will you be sucked back in and want to "help" him? If you invest more years in this person, will you feel like you have even MORE invested in him and therefore want to tough it out?
Probably a good thing that you decided to post here again. I am not familiar with your back story, but I do understand wanting to rekindle a past love.
He has sought treatment on is own and is taking positive steps towards his recovery. That is great for him. The combo of schizophrenia and alcoholism is really tough to manage long term. If you get involved again and he starts behaving strangely, will you minimize what is going on? Will you be sucked back in and want to "help" him? If you invest more years in this person, will you feel like you have even MORE invested in him and therefore want to tough it out?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Originally Posted by NewMary
MissFixit, those are excellent questions. My goal is to make sure I do the work to keep the answer a resounding No!
You know, there are MILLIONS of people who do not have such severe problems.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I don't have any experience to share; by the time I left AXH (who had a combo of alcoholism and mental health problems), there was nothing left to salvage.
I have to admit that the path you're taking would scare me. I could never imagine walking down that path again.
But I have seen it work. And I wish you wisdom and discernment on your path.
I have to admit that the path you're taking would scare me. I could never imagine walking down that path again.
But I have seen it work. And I wish you wisdom and discernment on your path.
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