do I progress forward?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: bristol
Posts: 7
do I progress forward?
I've only just found this site. Really interesting stories, and some even sound like I could have written them myself!
To keep it brief. As I'm short on time, my BF is a drinker. I used to not think an actual alcoholic but now I'm not so sure. He lost his job a month ago. I knew this would lead to trouble. When he works he controls his drinking. He'll have 4 can's in the evening and more only at weekends. After a binge at xmas he then made the decision to not drink in the week, and only at weekends. He had no problem sticking to this either.
Then his homeless alcoholic brother moved in. Within three weeks my BF had lost his job. He was joining his brother in a drink at night and then turning up late for work in the morning. The brother moved out and since then my fella has had a month of solid drinking and lying in bed brooding. He goes very low when not working. He blames himself for losing his job. In total he feels worthless and hates himself.
This week I get dumped by text!!! By text I tell you!!! Very harsh words...he's happier alone, doesn't want to build a home with me,, doesn't want a second family, how he is a selfish man and he cant even say sorry, and to never contact him or turn up!
I didn't even reply!
Less than 48 hours later he's back in touch. He's very sorry, angry with himself, says he'd be lost without me and I'm the best thing in his life.
We haven't met up face to face yet. I want to leave it a couple more days to think.
I just dont know which way to go. I love him dearly. He's the best love I've ever had. But my sensible head says I should walk away. Without me and his two kids he has no one. No friends and no family locally. He is a loner and quite reclusive.
My barriers are up. I refuse to keep being treated like this. Up and down. Extremely loving and then cast aside when cider is number one priority. This week I needed a mammogram. He offered to come with me. He didn't though. He chose to lie in bed and booze instead, so I went alone. This was the worst case of boozing I've seen him do. He's drank 40 cans of cider in three days. Yesterday he had nothing but water but is vomiting all day to the point where he's vomiting so hard he's having nose bleeds.
He's now run out of money so sobriety is looming!
Do I go forward with him. I love him but I feel some of that love has been lost this week. He put some really hurtful things in that text! Only two weeks before he was talking about marriage! Only the day before the text he was talking long term and about how much he loved me.
I'm thinking if we do go forward from here, now is the time for me to step up and lay out my boundaries to him. Its time now that I protect myself and that when he's going to binge I wont be there. I will go home. I dont know!!!
Any wise words from women with more experience would be very grateful!
To keep it brief. As I'm short on time, my BF is a drinker. I used to not think an actual alcoholic but now I'm not so sure. He lost his job a month ago. I knew this would lead to trouble. When he works he controls his drinking. He'll have 4 can's in the evening and more only at weekends. After a binge at xmas he then made the decision to not drink in the week, and only at weekends. He had no problem sticking to this either.
Then his homeless alcoholic brother moved in. Within three weeks my BF had lost his job. He was joining his brother in a drink at night and then turning up late for work in the morning. The brother moved out and since then my fella has had a month of solid drinking and lying in bed brooding. He goes very low when not working. He blames himself for losing his job. In total he feels worthless and hates himself.
This week I get dumped by text!!! By text I tell you!!! Very harsh words...he's happier alone, doesn't want to build a home with me,, doesn't want a second family, how he is a selfish man and he cant even say sorry, and to never contact him or turn up!
I didn't even reply!
Less than 48 hours later he's back in touch. He's very sorry, angry with himself, says he'd be lost without me and I'm the best thing in his life.
We haven't met up face to face yet. I want to leave it a couple more days to think.
I just dont know which way to go. I love him dearly. He's the best love I've ever had. But my sensible head says I should walk away. Without me and his two kids he has no one. No friends and no family locally. He is a loner and quite reclusive.
My barriers are up. I refuse to keep being treated like this. Up and down. Extremely loving and then cast aside when cider is number one priority. This week I needed a mammogram. He offered to come with me. He didn't though. He chose to lie in bed and booze instead, so I went alone. This was the worst case of boozing I've seen him do. He's drank 40 cans of cider in three days. Yesterday he had nothing but water but is vomiting all day to the point where he's vomiting so hard he's having nose bleeds.
He's now run out of money so sobriety is looming!
Do I go forward with him. I love him but I feel some of that love has been lost this week. He put some really hurtful things in that text! Only two weeks before he was talking about marriage! Only the day before the text he was talking long term and about how much he loved me.
I'm thinking if we do go forward from here, now is the time for me to step up and lay out my boundaries to him. Its time now that I protect myself and that when he's going to binge I wont be there. I will go home. I dont know!!!
Any wise words from women with more experience would be very grateful!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Oh yo-yo... That's what you are to him. You're up. You're down.
Yoooooooo-yo.
You want to lay out boundaries so you don't get hurt by him while he decides if he really wants to be with you? I can tell you, that it sounds like you will have many days, weeks, months and years worth of hurt waiting just for you if you stay.
You are not married to him. That is a gift in and of itself that you should treasure for all the days of your life. Get out while you can. You will never truly be happy with a dude who loses his job because he couldn't put the can down and get his a$$ to work. You will never pull his $hit together. Only he can do that and not one time did I see you mention that he wanted this to stop so he can some how put his life back to a more manageable state.
My best advice for you... RUN FAST and don't look back!
Yoooooooo-yo.
You want to lay out boundaries so you don't get hurt by him while he decides if he really wants to be with you? I can tell you, that it sounds like you will have many days, weeks, months and years worth of hurt waiting just for you if you stay.
You are not married to him. That is a gift in and of itself that you should treasure for all the days of your life. Get out while you can. You will never truly be happy with a dude who loses his job because he couldn't put the can down and get his a$$ to work. You will never pull his $hit together. Only he can do that and not one time did I see you mention that he wanted this to stop so he can some how put his life back to a more manageable state.
My best advice for you... RUN FAST and don't look back!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: bristol
Posts: 7
This is the face to face conversation I need to have with him. Does he want to change. If he does, and he's serious he's got my support and we'll go seek help. He's in denial a lot of the time and other times he says he's an alcoholic. When he's working's he's much more in control. Until his brother arrived and it was always available! He's like a child with sweets. If its there he cant leave it alone!
Two days until I see him, and we talk properly. We have to move on, whichever way that may be.
Two days until I see him, and we talk properly. We have to move on, whichever way that may be.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi buttercup, welcome to SR. If he was just drinking at weekends then you'd only have to think about his attitude towards you, but there are some big red flags here. You've got bingeing, him being so easily led, losing his job, and now constant drinking. He doesn't just sound like a alcoholic, he may have untreated depression. Even of he got treatment right away he'd still have a long way to go, and he's not looking for treatment.
Honestly it's not hopeful. You sound like no-one's victim, but you need to keep a realistic picture of what's in store if you stay around. Whatever your decision, try not to do any rescuing, or enabling his addiction.
Honestly it's not hopeful. You sound like no-one's victim, but you need to keep a realistic picture of what's in store if you stay around. Whatever your decision, try not to do any rescuing, or enabling his addiction.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, Buttercup--glad you found us here. Sorry you find yourself in such a situation, but SR is exactly where you want to be in terms of getting information and support for yourself. Everyone here understands what you're going thru.
First of all, I'd like to suggest that you spend as much time reading here as you can. Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page, as they are LOADED with information. Here's an example of what you'll find there: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Second, I'd like to suggest looking into Alanon. It's good to have some real-world support in addition to us here online. Here's a link to the Alanon site that will give you a lot of info about what Alanon is and does as well as help you find a meeting, should you decide to go: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
As you read here, I think you'll recognize parts of your story in so many other people's stories, and you'll realize that you are not alone. I've found a lot of help here, and I hope you do the same.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
First of all, I'd like to suggest that you spend as much time reading here as you can. Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page, as they are LOADED with information. Here's an example of what you'll find there: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Second, I'd like to suggest looking into Alanon. It's good to have some real-world support in addition to us here online. Here's a link to the Alanon site that will give you a lot of info about what Alanon is and does as well as help you find a meeting, should you decide to go: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
As you read here, I think you'll recognize parts of your story in so many other people's stories, and you'll realize that you are not alone. I've found a lot of help here, and I hope you do the same.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello buttercup, Welcome to SR!
I'm sorry for what brings you here, but I'm glad you found us!
This statement makes me so very sad. You deserve so much more than a man who brought his alcoholic, homeless brother to live with you, who is so easily lead, who lost his job because of his own drinking, who thought is was OK to profess his love in one breath and then turn around and say the most vile and mean things to you the next.
You deserve so much better treatment, buttercup. You are worthy of a wonderful and joy-filled life!!
I'm sorry for what brings you here, but I'm glad you found us!
Originally Posted by buttercup24
He's the best love I've ever had.
You deserve so much better treatment, buttercup. You are worthy of a wonderful and joy-filled life!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
However you feel, your children shouldn't have to deal with an alcoholic father.
I agree with the idea that he also may be depressed.
I grew up in an alcoholic home, and the emotional ups and downs, drama, stress,
and worry were terrible.
If he wants treatment and to stop, he needs to do that on his own.
You really can't "help" with his giving up drink.
You sound unhappy and I think Seren is right, educate yourself more on the disease
and perhaps you will see more clearly how much you deserve better treatment than he's giving you.
I agree with the idea that he also may be depressed.
I grew up in an alcoholic home, and the emotional ups and downs, drama, stress,
and worry were terrible.
If he wants treatment and to stop, he needs to do that on his own.
You really can't "help" with his giving up drink.
You sound unhappy and I think Seren is right, educate yourself more on the disease
and perhaps you will see more clearly how much you deserve better treatment than he's giving you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Red Flags
- lost his job
- lies in bed depressed
- loner/ brooding/ reclusive
- love/hate relationship
- trying to moderate drinking
- binging on weekends, holidays and other days!
- brother is a homeless A
- your instincts are telling you the truth!
Take that mean text as your cue and just tell him you wish him all the best. god speed.
- lost his job
- lies in bed depressed
- loner/ brooding/ reclusive
- love/hate relationship
- trying to moderate drinking
- binging on weekends, holidays and other days!
- brother is a homeless A
- your instincts are telling you the truth!
Take that mean text as your cue and just tell him you wish him all the best. god speed.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Please understand alcoholism is a progressive disease. When mixed with a dual diagnosis that quite likely for him is underlying depression, it is hard to cure and will only be cured if he wants it....FOR HIMSELF.
This behavior is not what you signed up for. You deserve better. When alcoholism is involved, the bottle becomes their wife, their best friend, their savior. Those are words from a psychiatrist and I completely agree.
God Bless!
This behavior is not what you signed up for. You deserve better. When alcoholism is involved, the bottle becomes their wife, their best friend, their savior. Those are words from a psychiatrist and I completely agree.
God Bless!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
my sensible head says I should walk away.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 68
That sounds just like my ex. I put up with it until one day i realised I was the other woman and drink was his first love. They aren't capable of a relationship and will tell you what you want to hear. See if his actions match his words. until they do practise detachment. I wish id listenend
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
He's now run out of money so sobriety is looming!
Originally Posted by buttercup24 
Does he want to change. If he does, and he's serious
he's happier alone, doesn't want to build a home with me,, doesn't want a second family, how he is a selfish man and he cant even say sorry, and to never contact him or turn up!
It was only what he said. There were no actions to base any of my belief in his 'sobriety' on. There were plenty of other words from him that I should have listened to instead of the promises that he was going to AA.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: manchester
Posts: 128
My BF is a full on bells and whistles alcoholic. I've just taken him back for a 3rd time now.
My father was an A, as is my boss. So i suppose Al anon was made for me, although i've never been to a meeting.
My BF hasn't worked since before xmas. He tells me he's going back to work next week every week. He sleeps on a mattress in someones attic.
His brother is very wealthy and gave him a big cheque as a pressie at xmas which he's blown on booze. taxis and not much else.
I did really well at zero contact via calls and texts but we live very close to each other and i bumped into him this week outside the corner shop and somehow he managed to worm his way back. I'm not even sure how he manages to bamboozle me each time but somehow he does.
I am the classic co dependant. I can't quite shake free, probably trying to recapture what it was like in the beginning, but since he stopped working he's just been drinking all day every day. All my spider senses tell me this is a bad idea but i can't stop myself. I feel quite weak and can't understand why he has such a hold on me... sigh x
My father was an A, as is my boss. So i suppose Al anon was made for me, although i've never been to a meeting.
My BF hasn't worked since before xmas. He tells me he's going back to work next week every week. He sleeps on a mattress in someones attic.
His brother is very wealthy and gave him a big cheque as a pressie at xmas which he's blown on booze. taxis and not much else.
I did really well at zero contact via calls and texts but we live very close to each other and i bumped into him this week outside the corner shop and somehow he managed to worm his way back. I'm not even sure how he manages to bamboozle me each time but somehow he does.
I am the classic co dependant. I can't quite shake free, probably trying to recapture what it was like in the beginning, but since he stopped working he's just been drinking all day every day. All my spider senses tell me this is a bad idea but i can't stop myself. I feel quite weak and can't understand why he has such a hold on me... sigh x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: bristol
Posts: 7
Fortunately we dont live together. We actually live nearly 30 miles apart, so my children aren't subjected to this. Sometimes he stays at mine, sometimes him and his kids stay with me and mine. We see each other two times a week most weeks, so I'm not living through this hell with him. I'm away, safe in my own home, and when he's on a binge thats where I stay.
He is depressed. Been on medication a while now.
He always claims he's happy and likes himself and how he wont change because he cant. Words I'm you've all heard before! Yesterday he opened up and told me how he hates himself, how he feels out of control, his fears and what they are (many, but one being that I'll leave him anyway coz I'll tire of his ****) and that he wants to change because I make him want to be a better person. Again words I guess you've all heard.
However, I've never heard him say those words before. I know I need to see actions. Words mean nothing.
Tomorrow we're are meeting up to talk for the first time since this happened.
He is depressed. Been on medication a while now.
He always claims he's happy and likes himself and how he wont change because he cant. Words I'm you've all heard before! Yesterday he opened up and told me how he hates himself, how he feels out of control, his fears and what they are (many, but one being that I'll leave him anyway coz I'll tire of his ****) and that he wants to change because I make him want to be a better person. Again words I guess you've all heard.
However, I've never heard him say those words before. I know I need to see actions. Words mean nothing.
Tomorrow we're are meeting up to talk for the first time since this happened.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 243
Originally Posted by hopeful4
Please understand alcoholism is a progressive disease. When mixed with a dual diagnosis that quite likely for him is underlying depression, it is hard to cure and will only be cured if he wants it....FOR HIMSELF.
This behavior is not what you signed up for. You deserve better. When alcoholism is involved, the bottle becomes their wife, their best friend, their savior. Those are words from a psychiatrist and I completely agree.
God Bless!
This behavior is not what you signed up for. You deserve better. When alcoholism is involved, the bottle becomes their wife, their best friend, their savior. Those are words from a psychiatrist and I completely agree.
God Bless!
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