Question to exah spouses
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Question to exah spouses
Hi,
I am 3 years post divorce from my XEAH and I am lonely. However, I cannot seem to develop any interest in a relationship. I wonder if any one else has had this experience and gotten through ? Or just feeling the same?
I am 3 years post divorce from my XEAH and I am lonely. However, I cannot seem to develop any interest in a relationship. I wonder if any one else has had this experience and gotten through ? Or just feeling the same?
Clean since 1/11/14
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 98
I don't have an answer for you either as I am just now going through a separation. At this point it feels like I never want another relationship again lol
It is so hard to be lonely. Touch and communication with another human is a basic human need.
After I left my first marriage I was really lonely too. I signed up for a dating website and clearly stated I was not interested in a long term relationship but looking for company. I met a few people and hung around with them for a month or two. No expectations. Just coffee, dinner going to some shows together. It was nice to have contact with a male.
I hope you get some more feedback here.
It is so hard to be lonely. Touch and communication with another human is a basic human need.
After I left my first marriage I was really lonely too. I signed up for a dating website and clearly stated I was not interested in a long term relationship but looking for company. I met a few people and hung around with them for a month or two. No expectations. Just coffee, dinner going to some shows together. It was nice to have contact with a male.
I hope you get some more feedback here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midland, MI
Posts: 159
I jumped out of one frying pan and into a fire...first a 7 year relationship with a narcissist and then a 6 month one with an A (that I'd known for 4 years and never knew he was an A until after I moved in). The thought of a relationship at this point is not only undesirable to me but sometimes downright repulsive. The thought of having anyone else's baggage and issues in my "space" makes me feel very unwell.
The idea of physical comfort is somewhat appealing...and I know that the more healing I do for myself, the more the idea of being with a partner will be more attractive. At the moment, though...Nope. No interest whatsoever.
The idea of physical comfort is somewhat appealing...and I know that the more healing I do for myself, the more the idea of being with a partner will be more attractive. At the moment, though...Nope. No interest whatsoever.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Muskegon, Michigan
Posts: 131
It's too early for me and I'm too emotional to be making much sense but the idea of trusting another human with a penis is just not an option for me.
I don't want this bullcrap anymore and it always works itself into bullcrap. Exhausting, draining and hurtful. If it's not an addiction, it's a dysfunction, it's immaturity and insecurity. Ive got my own crap to deal with. I'm done dealing with theirs too.
Who knows what it will be for me three years from now, but at 43, I'm thinking happy and single is something to aim for.
I don't want this bullcrap anymore and it always works itself into bullcrap. Exhausting, draining and hurtful. If it's not an addiction, it's a dysfunction, it's immaturity and insecurity. Ive got my own crap to deal with. I'm done dealing with theirs too.
Who knows what it will be for me three years from now, but at 43, I'm thinking happy and single is something to aim for.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Take your time.
I said before my divorce that relationships simply weren't worth the risk, that all the things you give up are more valuable to me than the things you get out of a marriage-type relationship.
But a lot of that was based in fear. I was scarred enough from my A marriage that I couldn't really imagine what a good relationship would look like. And then a friendship developed into love, and marriage, and the fears were gone.
I don't know what would have happened if that hadn't happened. I didn't feel like I had to have a man in my life. I would have been OK with staying single. I have a busy life and friends and hobbies, and a person to share that with is fun, but not at any price.
I said before my divorce that relationships simply weren't worth the risk, that all the things you give up are more valuable to me than the things you get out of a marriage-type relationship.
But a lot of that was based in fear. I was scarred enough from my A marriage that I couldn't really imagine what a good relationship would look like. And then a friendship developed into love, and marriage, and the fears were gone.
I don't know what would have happened if that hadn't happened. I didn't feel like I had to have a man in my life. I would have been OK with staying single. I have a busy life and friends and hobbies, and a person to share that with is fun, but not at any price.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 50
I'm 2.5 years post separation and AH died about 1.5 years ago (before the divorce was final). I have absolutely NO interest in a relationship at this point. Maybe sometime but not now. I'm sure I'm still healing from the trauma of basically going through a divorce AND his death. And as I had been divorced before (non-A) has made me a bit gun shy but I did have the experience of living alone previously which undoubtedly helped. But I am not lonely. I have girlfriends, some widowed, some divorced and some married and we do things together like plays, movies, dinner. I'm 60 yrs old, retired and stay active in hiking club, biking club, play bridge, do yoga, running and getting my recently purchased house the way I want it. My two cats help immensely as well. Don't push it. When you are ready you will know but I think in the long run you will be better off being comfortable with yourself first.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: back woods USA
Posts: 171
I also am 2.5 years post separation and 1 year next week post divorce...I have absolutely no interest in dating, the thought makes my stomach turn. I have never in my life been single this long so its probably for the best. Im focusing on my kids and me. I don't think I will ever be able to trust anyone again...I really hope that is not true but Im afraid it might be.
I would not survive another betrayal...it would be the end of me so I would just rather avoid any chance of that all together. for now anyways...
I would not survive another betrayal...it would be the end of me so I would just rather avoid any chance of that all together. for now anyways...
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
I'm 8 months out and single and dating with no interest in a marriage type relationship (I honestly think many many married people (not all) are unhappy and spend more time pretending they are happy than they are...and I mean normies too). Once I got away from my "couple" friends I found that there are a lot of single females my age - I live in a very liberal city - and we have a great time...the best is dating younger guys. 
Honestly marriage is not the key to happiness it's the key to the image of happiness IMHO and images no longer interest me only real things - but to each his or her own. I know lots and lots of happily dating (with no interest in marriage) single girls and guys between 30-50 so if you want it it's there and no need to go back for the traditional image of "happiness" if you don't want to. And lonely I am not, I'm a million times busier than I was married - and living life a million times more than when I was married.
Honestly marriage is not the key to happiness it's the key to the image of happiness IMHO and images no longer interest me only real things - but to each his or her own. I know lots and lots of happily dating (with no interest in marriage) single girls and guys between 30-50 so if you want it it's there and no need to go back for the traditional image of "happiness" if you don't want to. And lonely I am not, I'm a million times busier than I was married - and living life a million times more than when I was married.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Aeryn, thanks for your post. I got together with some girlfriends recently and the one who was divorced had a better social life and sex life than either of us two marrieds. Now to be fair her kids are in college and she is pretty open with them now. But when they were home she was very quiet and discrete.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 175
I have been separated for 10 months. Nope, no interest. I figure it will come in time. In the meantime, I'm just enjoying doing what I want to do. I have times when I feel lonely, but not necessarily for a romantic relationship, just someone to talk to. These aren't the days of Noah's ark - no rule saying you can't just be on your own!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
I feel sorry for any man who would want to date me after what I've been through:
"Sure, I'd love to go out with you. Just have your accountant fax over the last five years of your tax records. Hmmm better make that ten. I'll need to have notarized statements from the last 3 women you've been in relationships with. And, of course, there will be a drug test. How does next Saturday at seven sound?"
"Sure, I'd love to go out with you. Just have your accountant fax over the last five years of your tax records. Hmmm better make that ten. I'll need to have notarized statements from the last 3 women you've been in relationships with. And, of course, there will be a drug test. How does next Saturday at seven sound?"
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Kassie-
I am three years post divorce and am just now even CONSIDERING that at some point in my life I would like another relationship.
I am just starting to feel open enough. I am just starting to have self-care enough in my life to not lose it when I get into relationship.
I know it has been time well spent. I think I will feel more comfortable with the idea when I have more confidence in myself that I can get out if/when needed.
I am three years post divorce and am just now even CONSIDERING that at some point in my life I would like another relationship.
I am just starting to feel open enough. I am just starting to have self-care enough in my life to not lose it when I get into relationship.
I know it has been time well spent. I think I will feel more comfortable with the idea when I have more confidence in myself that I can get out if/when needed.
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