Hope this post makes sense. Exhausted.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Hope this post makes sense. Exhausted.
What a process this all is. I would just like to say to anyone who is lurking here, or early on in their journey living with an alcoholic...keep coming here. Sometimes you hear things you're not ready to hear. There were times my sister said things I didn't want to hear, but I dismissed it because "she didn't understand." The true things that people on this board have said to me, I may not have been ready to hear them or face them, but I never forgot them. They were always in the back of my mind. Every time I was told "alcoholism is progressive," I rejected that. "Not true in my situation." Wrong. Very true. "Abuse gets worse." Didn't believe that was my husband. Here I am again. I could go on and on.
Here I am now, with two little boys and a mountain to climb. I've given up relationships with friends and family, my freedom in many ways, my dignity, my time, my love, my whole life. I could count on one hand the moments in the past seven years where I have felt truly relaxed and not worried about the future. I've missed important moments in the lives of people I love, moments I would never have missed were I not tied up in the drama of living with my AH. Constantly checking my phone, wondering where he was, how much he was drinking. When someone says, "let's take the kids to Disneyland," I'm thinking "Ummm does he work that day? What time would we be back? I don't want him to go out and get drunk..maybe if we went on a work day, I could be home before 5 and he won't have an excuse to go out." Do you know how crazy that is? I never would have thought I'd end up there.
Now I have to pick up the pieces and find a way to move forward. I was 25 and naive when I got married. I blew right past the warning signs. He was "the one" and swept me off my feet. I look back on our wedding day and I remember the nerves I had, I didn't even want to open the bottle of champagne my parents sent to our hotel room. That's how it's been ever since. Now I have two little boys who I wouldn't trade for anything. But life is much harder than it had to be. I will get through this and come out stronger. But to anyone in the early stages of this...read these posts with an open mind/heart. Think about your unborn children and what kind of life you want for them.
Today, I picked up my boys and told them we are going to stay with grandma and grandpa for awhile. It broke my heart because I know we're never coming back to our house. Today was a hard day. I got repeated phone calls at work from my drunk husband, calling my office completely off his rocker and telling me he thought he was going to have a seizure. I finally had to leave work because everything was getting to me. I then had to block his number because he kept calling me, wouldn't stop. This affects my kids, my life, my job, everything. I can't sleep. I'm in survival mode.
I'm going to sleep, I just needed to write. Thanks to this board, it's keeping me going literally.
Here I am now, with two little boys and a mountain to climb. I've given up relationships with friends and family, my freedom in many ways, my dignity, my time, my love, my whole life. I could count on one hand the moments in the past seven years where I have felt truly relaxed and not worried about the future. I've missed important moments in the lives of people I love, moments I would never have missed were I not tied up in the drama of living with my AH. Constantly checking my phone, wondering where he was, how much he was drinking. When someone says, "let's take the kids to Disneyland," I'm thinking "Ummm does he work that day? What time would we be back? I don't want him to go out and get drunk..maybe if we went on a work day, I could be home before 5 and he won't have an excuse to go out." Do you know how crazy that is? I never would have thought I'd end up there.
Now I have to pick up the pieces and find a way to move forward. I was 25 and naive when I got married. I blew right past the warning signs. He was "the one" and swept me off my feet. I look back on our wedding day and I remember the nerves I had, I didn't even want to open the bottle of champagne my parents sent to our hotel room. That's how it's been ever since. Now I have two little boys who I wouldn't trade for anything. But life is much harder than it had to be. I will get through this and come out stronger. But to anyone in the early stages of this...read these posts with an open mind/heart. Think about your unborn children and what kind of life you want for them.
Today, I picked up my boys and told them we are going to stay with grandma and grandpa for awhile. It broke my heart because I know we're never coming back to our house. Today was a hard day. I got repeated phone calls at work from my drunk husband, calling my office completely off his rocker and telling me he thought he was going to have a seizure. I finally had to leave work because everything was getting to me. I then had to block his number because he kept calling me, wouldn't stop. This affects my kids, my life, my job, everything. I can't sleep. I'm in survival mode.
I'm going to sleep, I just needed to write. Thanks to this board, it's keeping me going literally.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
Keep posting, keep using this board Emmy. You are supported here and we are so proud of you!! You have come so far and you feel weak but you are not. You are so strong and this is painful and you are making good choices for you and your boys. Do not look back. Be gentle on yourself and just continue to grow and learn, that is all we have control of. Praying for you and your family...
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Emmy, are you in a position where you are able to tell your employer what's going on? I know employers differ, but it could be helpful for you if they can offer you some flexibility right now.
Work may be a place of relative peace for you, a way to rest your mind for at least minutes at a time.
Breathe. Eat. Try to sleep, even if it's in your car in your lunch hour. You will come out of this stronger and happier, and so will your boys. Even if it doesn't feel like it today. You will.
Work may be a place of relative peace for you, a way to rest your mind for at least minutes at a time.
Breathe. Eat. Try to sleep, even if it's in your car in your lunch hour. You will come out of this stronger and happier, and so will your boys. Even if it doesn't feel like it today. You will.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
Hang in there EmmyG! We know exactly what you are going through.
I feel that same sense of "survival mode" right now. I too lurked for a long time here and thought my situation was different too. Reading here and listening to the responses even though I wasnt ready to hear them yet helped me. In the back of my head it was the most logical answer and I knew that everything people said was spot on. It took a while to see it. Now I too am in the process of leaving my marriage with two little kids and it is HARD.I am a roller coaster of emotions every single day. I was just saying on the way to work this morning, this is going to be one of the hardest years I have ever had to endure. But you know what. I WILL SURVIVE. And you will too. Sometimes we have to endure the pain and go directly into the storm to see the rainbow on the other side. Keep working your program, self-care, reading, spending quality times with those who bring you positive energy. Trust in you HP that good things are ahead for you. You are setting an amazing example for your children! Keep up the great work and stay strong! Hugs to you from one mom to another.
I feel that same sense of "survival mode" right now. I too lurked for a long time here and thought my situation was different too. Reading here and listening to the responses even though I wasnt ready to hear them yet helped me. In the back of my head it was the most logical answer and I knew that everything people said was spot on. It took a while to see it. Now I too am in the process of leaving my marriage with two little kids and it is HARD.I am a roller coaster of emotions every single day. I was just saying on the way to work this morning, this is going to be one of the hardest years I have ever had to endure. But you know what. I WILL SURVIVE. And you will too. Sometimes we have to endure the pain and go directly into the storm to see the rainbow on the other side. Keep working your program, self-care, reading, spending quality times with those who bring you positive energy. Trust in you HP that good things are ahead for you. You are setting an amazing example for your children! Keep up the great work and stay strong! Hugs to you from one mom to another.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 93
I can relate so much to your story except I have 2 middle school aged girls. You can do this! I am 3 months separated from my AH of 18 years. NEVER thought this would have happened, though as I look back, the warning signs were there.
Peace will come. Each day gets a little easier. Hang in there and keep posting!
Peace will come. Each day gets a little easier. Hang in there and keep posting!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Emmy....we can do this! It is so hard, I completely understand. You know, last night was alot better than the night before. We were just being silly and one thing I realized is that I did not check my bank account to see if he had purchased booze, I did not care when I got home, just a few things that I can see are already setting me free.
It is an upward climb that is for sure. I know there will be hard days, but I also know they will be a little better as time goes on.
Tight Hugs my friend.
It is an upward climb that is for sure. I know there will be hard days, but I also know they will be a little better as time goes on.
Tight Hugs my friend.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Emmy, sending great big huge ((HUGS)) to you. I hope you were able to get some rest.
I want to share what I have done in my times of extreme crisis, when I am absolutely hysterical from my anxiety and emotions. I'm going to use the word God in my description, because that's how I identify my HP, but obviously...substitute whatever identifying word works for you.
I start by closing my eyes and breathing deeply a few times. Then I think to myself "Please God. Please God, help me." I breathe in while I think "Please God," and out when I think "help me." Sometimes that's all I can do, and I do it for several minutes. Sometimes I start to calm down just enough where I can identify a more specific prayer. "Please God, help me to stay focused on myself and my children right now." Or "Please God, help me to remember that you will be walking with my AH on his own journey, and it's OK for me to leave him in your hands." Or "Please God, help me to remember the life I want for myself and my children." Sometimes I am able to calm down enough to pray things like "Thank you, God, for helping me to see the path out of this." Or "Thank you, God, for my health and the fact that my children are healthy."
But it always starts with "Please God, help me" and some deep breathing.
Hang in there!
I want to share what I have done in my times of extreme crisis, when I am absolutely hysterical from my anxiety and emotions. I'm going to use the word God in my description, because that's how I identify my HP, but obviously...substitute whatever identifying word works for you.
I start by closing my eyes and breathing deeply a few times. Then I think to myself "Please God. Please God, help me." I breathe in while I think "Please God," and out when I think "help me." Sometimes that's all I can do, and I do it for several minutes. Sometimes I start to calm down just enough where I can identify a more specific prayer. "Please God, help me to stay focused on myself and my children right now." Or "Please God, help me to remember that you will be walking with my AH on his own journey, and it's OK for me to leave him in your hands." Or "Please God, help me to remember the life I want for myself and my children." Sometimes I am able to calm down enough to pray things like "Thank you, God, for helping me to see the path out of this." Or "Thank you, God, for my health and the fact that my children are healthy."
But it always starts with "Please God, help me" and some deep breathing.
Hang in there!
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think we all came here with that’s known as “terminal uniqueness”.
Meaning - The most fundamental of the definitions is a person's belief that his/her experience is so unique that the usual rules do not apply to him. Their alcoholic/addict is not like the rest of the alcoholics/addicts. My alcoholic/addict never lived on the streets, never resorted to crime, never did injectable drugs. My alcoholic/addict has a job that makes good money. Once you come here and read the posts and are exposed to others here and there stories, similarities begin to be revealed that usually you were not expecting and often hard to accept.
So you need to keep remembering the stories you read about woman who did leave, took their children and got out of the way of the active tornado. They not only survived but thrived once away from the chaos and obsession of another person’s drinking.
Once away from that daily chaos and y our obsession with it a whole new picture will come before your eyes. You will be able to think clearly and in a healthier way for yourself and your children. Be patient with yourself you are doing good and at the pace that is right for you at this moment.
((hugs))
Meaning - The most fundamental of the definitions is a person's belief that his/her experience is so unique that the usual rules do not apply to him. Their alcoholic/addict is not like the rest of the alcoholics/addicts. My alcoholic/addict never lived on the streets, never resorted to crime, never did injectable drugs. My alcoholic/addict has a job that makes good money. Once you come here and read the posts and are exposed to others here and there stories, similarities begin to be revealed that usually you were not expecting and often hard to accept.
So you need to keep remembering the stories you read about woman who did leave, took their children and got out of the way of the active tornado. They not only survived but thrived once away from the chaos and obsession of another person’s drinking.
Once away from that daily chaos and y our obsession with it a whole new picture will come before your eyes. You will be able to think clearly and in a healthier way for yourself and your children. Be patient with yourself you are doing good and at the pace that is right for you at this moment.
((hugs))
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