misscostalot

As I mentioned previously, I recently split from a long term relationship and have unfortunately been tempted back into binge drinking. I feel so lonely a lot of the time and just seem to get involved with the wrong kind of guys. . . Consequently, I go out with my mates and it inevitably leads to having too many drinks. I just wondered if anyone else has recently found themselves newly single and if they could offer some advice?
many thanks

mattya18

Even though I've been single for a while and only very recently sober, my failed attempts at sobriety has mainly been caused because of loneliness. I can't meet women as easily and can't socialise with my friends the same..... I totally understand it is very hard. Lately when I feel lonely I have been trying to think of all the times I have hurt or let down ex girlfriends and my good mates because of my drinking. And Even though it may take me a little while longer than usual to meet a new someone or friend now because of my sobriety, how much longer and fulfilling that relationship will be because of it.
Remember we are all here as well to help each other out too so whenever your lonely drop us a line and we can chat all the best!

IOAA2

Hi. Loneliness is a emotion that many seek to be replaced by drinking and let's face it, it doesn't work for long. Many have their needs met by attending AA meetings and developing close ties with women for women and men for men relationships. Be aware of 13th steppers on both sides of the isle.
The main thing is not drinking or all bets are off.

BE WELL

biminiblue

IOAA, I agree with this for getting into a group of people who will be good for recovery and who understand the struggles. Plus I think it's really good to stay single for a while when newly sober.

What are "13th Steppers?" I'm new to AA, love it, and I'm sure there's a story here.

biminiblue

I found this. Thanks, IOAA.

Definitely something of which to be aware, especially for people who are vulnerable and/or newly sober. Yesterday I accidentally ended up in a meeting of 30 men and me. It was a great experience for me, but I'm older and not looking for a partner - not a sober or a drunk one. My age and experience has given me a much different perspective than when I was young and felt I "needed a man".

Need and desperation always led me to make bad decisions, usually by choosing a controlling-type boyfriend to "take care of me". That was on me. Now I don't need to be taken care of. When we know better, we do better.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...newcomers.html

least

If you're lonely, why not give volunteering a try. It's a good way to get out of yourself, give back to the community, and meet new people.

EndGameNYC

Step 13: My life has become unmanageable, and I want to share it with someone.

Anna

I agree with Least about volunteer work. It really saved me. It was a great opportunity to meet a lot of really wonderful and sober people. It gave me a purpose and an unexpected boost to my dismal self-esteem.

Carlotta

A 13th stepper is someone with some time in the program who preys on newcomers. Someone with time has no business dating and getting intimately involved with a newcomer (unless they were previously involved) and it generally ends up disastrously. This is why you will often hear:
The men with the men and the women with the women.
I agree with Anna and Least: doing volunteer work is a wonderful way to get out of yourself, make new friends who have a purpose in life and not be lonely. Plus giving back to the community, you will get to see how bad some people have it and it will really help you get an attitude of gratitude.

misscostalot

Thanks for all your advice. the only problam I ahve with volunteer work is that I am a native English speaker livingin Luxembourg. My French/German is not of a high standard.

unfortunately most of the english speaking Ex-pats congregate in the pub to meet - this is what I am finding difficult. -(

Anna

My recovery began the same week I moved to a city where English was the second language and I had but a spattering of the first language. That's why I began to volunteer because I wouldn't have been able to work. I found that my fellow volunteers were so happy to help me with the new language and greatly appreciated my efforts to learn. I also found that communication is not always based on the spoken word and we can offer help and compassion to one another regardless of language barriers.

Hawk07

Hi Miss,

I'm in the same boat (read my recent posts). Battling the loneliness and a slew of other emotions that come with being suddenly single is hard enough without also having to fight addiction. But we addicts need to learn how to stand alone and cope with the things life throws our way without any crutches. I realize now that I had 2 crutches, my relationship and alcohol.
Think of this as a golden opportunity the universe has given you to gain strength, heal and become the best version of yourself possible. It's time! And the good news is you don't have to be lonely on this new path. Dig deep and think of things you can do that will bring some joy into your life with other people. Things that don't revolve around alcohol of course. I'll be volunteering a few hours a week at the local animal shelter..Going to a yoga class a couple times a week and most likely a couple AA meetings. Even if I don't speak up in the meetings I find it comforting just being there with others striving for the same thing I am. And of course you also have all of us here

I keep telling myself the one I'm meant to share my life with is out there, I'm just not the me yet that is destined to meet him.. But I will be and I will try to enjoy becoming that person to the fullest.

ps..Do NOT cave and pick up that first drink...I did this past Friday, wiped away my almost 2 months of sobriety and was literally so sick and depressed the next day I couldn't peel myself off the floor for the whole day..thank god for this forum, all I could was post on here for support.. Alcohol only makes everything worse.

FeenixxRising

It can be hard being single, but perhaps you could use the time to work and concentrate on "you". The upside of being single is that you only need worry about yourself. Perhaps it's time to rediscover your "self". It could be an interesting journey.

MythOfSisyphus

Closest I came to blowing my sobriety was also over a woman. Long story short, I'm glad I didn't because it wouldn't have helped. She has her life, I have mine. It's not even so much that you have to "work on yourself" as rediscover yourself. In life you will be sick and you will be healthy; you'll be happy and you'll be sad; you'll be comfortable and you'll be broke. All these are normal states that aren't improved by being drunk.

Booze and breakups are both kind of like kryponite- the more distance you can get between you and them the better off you are. There really is no substitute for time, I'm afraid. But the clock doesn't really start til you're sober. If you used booze to deal/cope then you're really not dealing or coping with your problems, and they will persist.

Good luck! YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS!

forabetterlife

Misscostalot, some wonderful advice you have been given here already. I am single and still struggling with yet another end to the same 10 year on and off relationship. It is hard working through that loss and struggling to stay sober at the same time, I know. But myth said perfectly, we aren't learning or growing if we are drinking to cope. Nothing will change or get better if we continue with that pattern. I have seen that in my life over and over again.
With time and sobriety you will begin to heal and the world will begin to open up, little by little.
You most certainly can do this, and we are here for you

KateL

The thought of being single once terrified me but now I like it xxxxxx