L0stH0pe

I can't think of a better way to sum up what is going on my head at the moment.. and this is probably going to be a long, tedious, self pitying post that I may regret writing out.

I have been married to AH for almost 4 yrs, the first year was great, we did everything together, he was attentive, warm, available, we had the same interests, he spent time with the kids (this would be a good point to admit that I'm a failure at relationships, the kids biological father was abusive to the point where he nearly killed my 3x and I left in the middle of the night, with just the kids in their pjs and me the clothes I stoop up in.. so I DO have baggage that i have been begging to get help with since the day we left), I fully trusted my AH, so much so that I let him have my bank card and he did all the shopping.

His drinking and use of cannabis at the time "bothered" me, but he would tell me how he is in control, he would show me study after study after study that cannabis is not addictive and so he went on using.
The place we were staying at was too small for a family of 5 so we moved to a house, within a few weeks, one of his friends moved into a flat right around the corner.

At first, I didnt mind him spending time there, but it got to the point where he was spending more and more and more time there. It turned out that his friend's place, they were drinking, smoking and doing coke. He drained my bank account and defaulted on the payment of our house, so i picked up the slack and got the money needed to keep a roof over my kids' heads.


AH disappears for hours on end, he claims "calling his mum" or "phoning a friend" or "me being difficult and not going out with him".. well, you say you are going to the corner shop and then you are gone for 2-3 hours. On his return I KNOW he is high, he denies it. I find the cannabis, he confesses hes also addicted to codeine (12.5mg codeine with 500 mg ibuprofen, he takes 64 tablets a day). so we have the drinking, the cannabis, the coke and now the codeine.

He tells me I'm crazy and controlling and paranoid.. that i accuse him falsely, that he is now getting help via some organisation or other.. he told me he had stopped everything, he SWORE to me he had stopped everything, yet i found the evidence that again, he lied, and that he IS still using. So i am NOT going crazy, or maybe i AM.. i really dont know anymore.

All these lies, deception, complete disregard for me have left me feeling like i dont want to be close to him... how can i trust him when at the first hurdle he LIES.. the truth i could handle, the truth i could work with.. but the lie makes me withdraw. So now i guess im turning into an abuser because i do not want affection from him or be affectionate to him (when it fits into his schedule).

I feel like i cant tell reality from fantasy in my own head anymore... i dont know when to believe my kids, my mum, my friend (shes only an online friend but still a friend) or not.
I know i'm damaged goods from the previous marriage, i know i have cPTSD, but unfortunately ive been on the waiting list for help for 3 yrs now with no end in sight.

I just want this whole thing to be over... im tired of being told that "he is sick, he has a disease" .. he CHOSE to take this stuff, nobody put a gun to his head and said "take it or ill kill you".. he hasnt got cancer, or some other disease he has no control over.. why should i be sympathetic and empathetic time and time again??? Im angry, hurt, confused, sick to my stomach that he keeps making promises then doesnt keep them. He spends hours and hours a day doing what "he" wants, not telling me where he is going or where he has been...

And yes, i am terrified that i have turned into my ex and that what i do is tantamount to emotional abuse. I beat myself up over every little mistake that i make especially with regards to the kids, when they do something wrong (dd is 14 and also suffers from ptsd due to our past and has anger management issues like her bio dad), i immediately ask myself where *I* went wrong.. i just dont seem to be able to sort out what i am or who i am.. what is real and what isnt real.. i spend my days crying, i spend my nights crying.. i cant eat, i cant sleep.. and now im reading about emotional abuse and have to take a long hard look at myself and say "i do that" but then, so does he.. so what came first??

If you made it this far, thank you.. if you have any words of wisdom or advice, id greatly appreciate those too.

Ann

LH, you made a mistake that is not uncommon, you went from one bad relationship into another. Living like this is unhealthy for you and your children, and I think you already understand that addiction doesn't get better until the addict himself decides to change. Promises mean nothing, addicts lie even to themselves. Action is the only truth if and when it happens.

It is what it is, as sad as that sounds, and what you may need to decide sometime soon is how long you can live like this.

Maybe find some meetings and live support for yourself, and think of a plan for you and your children to find a better and healthier way to live.

This is not your fault, it's not wrong to hate living with active addiction. You may not have the power to change him, but you can save yourself and your children from this life of addiction and insanity.

My prayers go out for all of you, this must be a very painful time.

Hugs

L0stH0pe

looks like there really is no hope then

Hawkeye13

There is lots of hope for you and your kids, but I don't think it is healthy to stay
with an active addict.

You recognize there is a problem, and you are starting to act on that.
I see that is hopeful.

His addiction is nothing you can control or change.
You can control your own actions and make changes for yourself and your kids
That is also hopeful.

L0stH0pe

no im too tired and worn out and confused. i guess i came here wanting so desperately to read about all the happy endings.. more the fool was me. thanks for the replies and honesty though. x

feeling-good

Well, I *always* believe that there is hope, but I cannot promise you that there is a route that is going to work for you all. I can only recommend prayer and keeping as safe and sane as you can.

SadWife7

"I just want this whole thing to be over... im tired of being told that "he is sick, he has a disease" .. he CHOSE to take this stuff, nobody put a gun to his head and said "take it or ill kill you".. he hasnt got cancer, or some other disease he has no control over.. why should i be sympathetic and empathetic time and time again??? ."

This is the part I struggle with a lot.
I just kicked my husband out of the house after finding out from a family member that he'd been doing heroin-I've known there was a pill problem, I didn't understand how deep the problem was. He is now in a program for treatment.
We do have 1 kid & 1 one the way. I had decided to file for divorce, but I saw him last night and now I am so confused.
One big thing I keep telling him & myself...
It is over RIGHT NOW. It does NOT have to be over FOREVER. That is on him. I will not be going anywhere. He's the father of my children, I will wait for a long time for him. That being said, if he goes out next week & shoots up again, and lies, and then if he does it a month after that, and then the next month....If he is not SHOWING that he is getting better I won't wait. My kids don't deserve it. My son (he's 2) clung to him like a monkey last night when we saw him, and when he woke up this morning immediately started calling for dad. Took me a min to get him to crawl back in bed, pick up the picture we have of him & give him a kiss & lay back down. It is heartbreaking. He needs his father, but he doesn't need a father that is unwilling to get his life back together.
So...my advice to you is to think first of the kids in everything you do. My son has been cranky for a long time. Husband gone, no longer cranky. He was feeding off MY stress & misery.
If your husband gets removed from the picture for a while, it will give you time for you to take care of yourself & those kids. You might get to be alone and find you enjoy it. But like I said- You don't have to think he is gone forever right now. Give him some time to prove he can & wants to get help with his addiction. If his situation does not change in the slightest, it will be really hard-but harder than LIVING it every day? If he seeks out help & shows he wants to be better-fantastic. It will be wonderful to know that the man you found 4 years ago is still in there, and wants to come back. But like Hawkeye said- His addiction is not something that you can control or change.
I wish the best of luck to you! This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through, and I have not suffered at all compared to what you have gone through.
YOU ARE IMPORTANT AS A PERSON. YOUR LIFE HAS VALUE. YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE CRAP.

Praying

Please be kinder to yourself. Recognizing that you are behaving in a way you don't want to because of a situation you're in doesn't make you "an abuser". It says that you don't accept your behavior and want to be a better you...but you currently feel stuck, like you can't find your way back.

To that I say... WELCOME. You won't find judgement here. Many of us have done many things we aren't proud of while in the midst of these relationships. Please give yourself a break today.

I came here for advice and perspective a couple of years ago, then disappeared from posting because I wanted people to tell me my hope had a chance. What I got was a sober look at my reality- not negative, but honest indications of what could come. I didn't like it. I needed more hope. So I stopped reading and posting.

I wish I hadn't. I surely could have used this cyber hand holding through some really tough times. I hope you listen, take things with a grain of salt, recognize it might not apply, but let others help you see through your own fog of pain and maybe denial. We all want the best for you and are here if you need it. We've been there.

Give yourself a hug today and PLEASE forgive yourself...just a little by each day. You need you.

Sending prayers and hugs to you.

YouWillBe

Exactly.

People are right, to an extent, that it is a sickness. It becomes a mental illness because they really do need help getting well, usually. BUT...

THIS sickness is just has harmful, and possibly deadly, to his loved ones, too. If he's not done with it, it may be best to put him in someone else's care and distance yourself and your kids until he has recovered, IF he ever is.

You can be sympathetic and empathetic, but you can do it from afar. You don't have to allow his problem - that he's obviously not ready to give up - emotionally destroy you and your children.

CodeJob

LostHope,

By working on you, you can slowly turn your attitude around which will impact your kids. Your attitude and mood might change from moment to moment, but overall you will see a positive trend by letting go of what you can't control. It sounds a bit like you want to trust a partner to the point of being enmeshed. Being taken care of means you don't have to work on you. The best argument I can give you is you are a mom. You need to improve yourself so you can fully parent them - whether or not you are on a wait list for expert therapy.

As for the disease model, I really struggled with what I felt was an expectation that part of my recovery meant I had to accept the disease model of addiction. Eventually I found a quote that described addiction as a disease with a choice. I needed that clause of choice. Ironically my RAH proceeded to inform me a lot of As including him do not think it is a disease - they too focus on the choice. So honestly I spent a lot of time thinking and worrying about a concept that even my qualifier rejects. I don't worry about it now. He is an addict, currently not using. The answers for what I am supposed to do and how I am supposed to be are not in that scientific argument. I think this focus on the disease versus choice splits the behavior from the person and keeps a codependent in turmoil bc we are told they have a disease so we feel sympathy, empathy and want to drag them to some cure - MD, pour out their drug of choice, monitor their use, monitor their behavior as an indication of how sick they are, rehab, AA, heck a snake healer will do we are so desperate. Part of our problem is we want to save them and make then forever in debt to us. The disease model makes us think we can be involved in some kind of treatment. We forgive their behavior because they are sick. An active addict will even play the disease model as a manipulation. "You have to help me bc I am sick. If I had cancer you would not cut me off or whatever action you are threatening." So I think splitting the addict from their behavior is not wise to a Codie because we are too warped in our thinking and will stay in the turmoil in a misguided attempt to help a disease model.

Focus on you bc you are worth it.

L0stH0pe

Thank you all for the words of advice, wisdom and pointers.. i guess the biggest problem is that for so many years now i dont *who* or *what* i am anymore...
I dont want my AH to feel indebted to me, i try hard to not enable his behaviours by not giving him money when he asks, by trying to detach, detach, detach.. but he then makes that kind of hard because he lays the guilt trip on me and im like: "ooohhh finally i know THAT ride, i dont like it, but i know it doesnt KILL me and i know ill make it off again" and on i hop. Once im on that ride, all the insanity comes crashing back and hitting me in the face full force.
Hes been trying to manipulate me today all day, he was supposed to attend a weeklong workshop.. well, for starters, he was still in bed at 9am, so no way he would make it there without me having to take him (which was something he was adamant he was going to do) so, i went and woke him up (if i hadnt, he would have sulked all day because i hadnt woken him up), i was ready to take him, shoes on, jacket on, car keys in hand .. he says "no i'll walk". So i stepped back and said ok then.
20 minutes later he walks back in and announces he would have been late and they wouldnt have let him in, (red flag to me.. you DONT want to attend but thats NOT my problem dont react), so i make us both a coffee and say i can take you for acupuncture for 11.30 then. Fine.. he starts messing around with a printer he wants to pawn off, cant find the lead and gets mad, im trying hard to not react and carry on doing what im doing.. its time to go, i say look you dont need to pawn that thing off today, you should have more than enough money, lets just go.. well he starts yelling at me.. at this point, ive been goaded so much that *I* finally react and say "Fine, ill just be the taxi and maid service and shut up" which was cue for him to storm off and buy a box of codeine and get himself high.
Still, even with me knowing he was high, i didnt comment when he swanned back into the house, i just kept quiet.
A couple of hours go by and he starts on again about the printer, but at this point, its a wasted 20mile round trip so i offered to take him on his wednesday appointment for acupuncture and he can pawn it off then... thats not good enough. He wants to go NOW..
Im trying so so so hard to get out of the codependent state, Im sat here, bawling my eyes out because my head tells me that i *should* have taken him, that its only a car trip, that it wouldnt have mattered.. but i also know that that again is enabling him, that i would feel resentment afterwards because i did something i really didnt want to do.

I just cant win it seems.. i feel guilty now because i stuck a reasonable boundary, he has upped and left, no doubt to get more pills... i feel bad because i *could* have done this for him, but then, likewise, he could have seen that he already is a drain on our finances and really an unwarranted 20 mile trip is not necessary.

Now hes making me feel his wrath by having stormed off, leaving me to worry if/how much/what hes using... when i know i cant do anything about it, and i shouldnt worry.. but ill be the one who will have to clean up the mess, do everything else while he gets to sleep off his high... i just want him to take *some* responsibility.. i know i cant make him do that, i know i need to let go of that wish/want/need and become aloof and detached.. i know all that... but its easier knowing than doing

AnvilheadII

to be blunt (only way i know) he sounds like a parasite who latched on to someone with a bank account. he's not a husband or a partner, he's a leech.

get him out and a whole bunch of crazy goes with him. then you can deal with the bits that are left that need sorting out.

why is he sleeping in til 930am? doesn't he have a job?
why are YOU taking him everywhere, doesn't he have a car?
why is he pawning the printer?
why are you taking him to acupuncture? and who pays for that?

L0stH0pe

anvil... no he lost his job, he got another but was let go, he gets so unreliable or makes mistakes (he fits carpets) that its just not feasable to employ him

he hasnt got a license, so i do all the driving

he borrowed money to buy more pills, now his friend wants his money back, hes already pawned off a laptop as i refused to give him the money to pay back his friend. He asked me outright and said hed "pay me back" but i know from experience that that never happens, so i said no and stuck to my boundaries.

apparently this addiction place, who also put him on this weeklong workshop, pay for the acupuncture, whether he actually attends or not i dont know.. he has me drop him off some place else.. i started following him the first week, and he went completely the opposite direction of the addiction center and i stopped myself in my tracks and said "WTF am *I* doing?" and forced myself to turn around and walk away and go home.

AnvilheadII

probably best not to believe one single word out of his mouth.

what do his ACTIONS tell you? that he's a dedicated husband and father? that he cares about anyone or anything other than himself? that he is making an EFFORT to be a responsible productive member of society?

he's a user. he's using you. for as long as you let him.
you can stop this nonsense at any time. see it for what it really is and make changes.

have you tried alanon or any other type of support group? a place where YOU go for YOU???? for once?

cmc

hi....in my case it actually did become easier when I was not taking responsiblity for somebody else's actions and bad choices. My son was faced with himself and his own stuff- he had the choice to make.

There were some agonizing moments (for me) up to the time it dawned on me what my enabling was doing to him and to myself.

I couldn't make my son stop either- only he could do that. I also couldn't live with myself knowing that I was making it easier for him to continue on the path he chose.

And yet I can take NO credit for what he has accomplished for himself in the wonderful new life he now lives- he owns his own success.

He's been clean & on a good path for over 8 years ....his drug use spanned over ten years of his life.

The time frame of his active addiction while I was enabling was much longer than what it finally took for my AS to come to his senses once he was forced to act like an adult & live on his own without the continual 'helping' from myself and his dad.



I just got to the point where I refused to take part in his demise, nobody could tell me either- when I would get to that point in my own recovery.

L0stH0pe

thank you ... yet again... i find that writing and reading IS helping.. if only to put these chaotic, 6 million thoughts racing through my head into a slower pace and give me some downtime and time to breathe.

AH addiction also reaches back far, far, far before he met me... he hid it well from me for a long time. He has been hooked on everything from what i gather, speed, heroin, crack, .. he blames it on his "addictive personality". He went off the rails age 18, when he started uni, dropped out after 1st year due to his involvement with drugs and has been using ever since, he is now 38.

I have read "codependent no more" and i am trying to work my way through the workbook.. i think i have step one down to a pat now, i am admitting that my life is out of control, that *i* am out of control and that i am powerless over AH addiction. I am trying hard to keep @Praying's advice close to my heart and to be kinder to myself, something that doesnt come naturally to me anymore as i lived for so long with criticism (first from my parents, then my abusive first husband... yeah i am a classic role model i guess).. but i am TRYING and that has to be a start and a reason for me to acknowledge that i am taking baby steps in the right direction.
The biggest first step i took was to say "no more enabling by giving you money"... surprisingly, despite him claiming he has no money, he always has enough where he finds it.. im guessing his mother. I have told her time and again that i provide everything for his immediate needs, but that i refuse to support his cannabis, alcohol, coke and pill habits. Since making THAT decision, i have started to feel a little stronger and a tiny bit less crazy, yet she keeps sending him money, then wanting him to pay it back.. i tried explaining to her that her son is an active addict and she is not helping but i guess, the same as me, she has to make that discovery on her own. She has one son, who suffers from paranoid schizophrenia due to his drug abuse for years and years, living at home with her and back in january, when i found out that AH was using again, he left to stay with her for a week... she sent him back to me sharpishly as SHE couldnt cope with him and his brother.
I am under the care of a psychiatrist for my cPTSD and depression etc. and, as i said, i am on the waiting list for psychology support (i asked for cbt). I have an appointment with dr end of this month and usually AH comes along and does the talking for me, this time i have started a letter to my dr which i intend to give to him to read. Maybe he can change my meds around or think of another solution, i have not told him that AH took my diazepam and sold it/traded it for cannabis and coke, but i have put it in my letter as i feel that i really need my valium in those crazy crazy crazy times. I was scared what dr might think if i admit that AH has stolen my meds, but i am slowly realising that i can admit that something was out of MY control, that i didnt cause something to happen.. it just DID happen.

I am trying really hard to work on my own issues, it is hard because i am currently doing it on my own (and with all your help).. i dont know that i like the idea of al anon fellowship.. for starters, i struggle with higher power and it also seems to be a "lifelong membership" kind of thing.. i dont know its hard to explain. I want to find ME, it is scary as i dont even know where to start looking... but really believe me, i am taking on board all you say to me. i am reading, rereading and trying to make your advice work.

Thank you all again for sharing your experiences and wisdom, i truly appreciate your input.