An update on my brother
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Virginia
Posts: 21
An update on my brother
I posted here for the first time a few weeks ago searching for help for my parents to deal with my drug adict/alcoholic brother. I just wanted to thank everyone and to tell you that he killed himself just over a week ago.
Knowing my brother for who he was without the drugs and alcohol, I've got to believe that he did it because he understood what he was becoming. I'm sure in his warped mind, that he thought he was doing us a favor. He was mistaken.
Every one of us in the family is now in terrible pain. Analyzing over and over what we should have done differently.
My 91 year old grandmother, crying because she didn't give him $20 when he banged on her bedroom window at 2:00 that morning.
My parents, who just are broken and haunted as to why he would do this to himself outside their door, when a few steps away they would have been there to do anything to help. My dad, especially, who had the son he always wanted (after 3 girls), but was unable to convince him to get help.
The sisters because although we searched for help and offered my parents advice over 20 years of his illness, never thought to go directly to him.
I, especially, since we were closest in age. We shared a room as children, and spent the most years living together. I was the toughest on him. Although I thought I was giving him tough love, I was more tough than loving. I freely told him I wanted my brother back because I knew he was inside that drug filled body, but didn't tell him I loved him in years. I was just so angry at him for what he was doing.
For years, my parents, out of love, bailed him out of financial hardships, helped him obtain vehicles to get to work, paid for medical bills, etc, and kept him out of jail though the many adventures he took them on.
Please, anyone in my parents shoes, as much as you want to protect your children from pain, you need to let them learn their lessons early. Let them lose their vehicle, let them sit in jail. The pain of losing a child forever to a tragedy like this is much worse than the pain you feel letting them suffer the consequences of their actions.
Although we are all filled with guilt, we'll make it through this together. Our own guilt is real, but we know that what we did individually, was done out of concern and love. We are all human, and imperfect. We tried out best. Unfortunately, under the circumstances, our best just wasn't enough. I guess you can't love someone to recovery.
Knowing my brother for who he was without the drugs and alcohol, I've got to believe that he did it because he understood what he was becoming. I'm sure in his warped mind, that he thought he was doing us a favor. He was mistaken.
Every one of us in the family is now in terrible pain. Analyzing over and over what we should have done differently.
My 91 year old grandmother, crying because she didn't give him $20 when he banged on her bedroom window at 2:00 that morning.
My parents, who just are broken and haunted as to why he would do this to himself outside their door, when a few steps away they would have been there to do anything to help. My dad, especially, who had the son he always wanted (after 3 girls), but was unable to convince him to get help.
The sisters because although we searched for help and offered my parents advice over 20 years of his illness, never thought to go directly to him.
I, especially, since we were closest in age. We shared a room as children, and spent the most years living together. I was the toughest on him. Although I thought I was giving him tough love, I was more tough than loving. I freely told him I wanted my brother back because I knew he was inside that drug filled body, but didn't tell him I loved him in years. I was just so angry at him for what he was doing.
For years, my parents, out of love, bailed him out of financial hardships, helped him obtain vehicles to get to work, paid for medical bills, etc, and kept him out of jail though the many adventures he took them on.
Please, anyone in my parents shoes, as much as you want to protect your children from pain, you need to let them learn their lessons early. Let them lose their vehicle, let them sit in jail. The pain of losing a child forever to a tragedy like this is much worse than the pain you feel letting them suffer the consequences of their actions.
Although we are all filled with guilt, we'll make it through this together. Our own guilt is real, but we know that what we did individually, was done out of concern and love. We are all human, and imperfect. We tried out best. Unfortunately, under the circumstances, our best just wasn't enough. I guess you can't love someone to recovery.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: cicero ny
Posts: 65
I'm am so sorry for all the pain that you and your family are going through. I just don't understand why it is easier for someone to committ suicide rather than get some help. Your family has nothing to be guilty about, as you have all tried to help him. Please take care of yourselves and try to remember all the good memories, but please let go of the guilt. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
Frustrated, I am so very sorry to hear of the loss of your brother. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family. MG has a very good article on the PTSD board for survivors of suicide. You can chose a printable version for your family if you think it would help them too. I have lost two brothers to suicide, and I know the pain is immense. If I can be of any help to you, please don't hesitate to PM me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Frustrated,
You are living one of the things we fear most. My heart aches for you. I offer my deepest sympathy and my most profound thanks that you would share your story here to try to help others when you are in so much pain. I know you feel guilty now, but soon your heart will realize as clearly as your reason does that the responsibility for this act does not rest with you. I wish I could put my arms around you in person.
Thinking of you,
Smoke
You are living one of the things we fear most. My heart aches for you. I offer my deepest sympathy and my most profound thanks that you would share your story here to try to help others when you are in so much pain. I know you feel guilty now, but soon your heart will realize as clearly as your reason does that the responsibility for this act does not rest with you. I wish I could put my arms around you in person.
Thinking of you,
Smoke
Guest
Posts: n/a
Sending prayers to you and your family Frustrated.
I am really sorry that you all have to endure this pain and really sorry that your brother lost his life to this disease.
Please know that we all care.
Here is a link that may help. It was written by a mother who lost her son.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=32556
I am really sorry that you all have to endure this pain and really sorry that your brother lost his life to this disease.
Please know that we all care.
Here is a link that may help. It was written by a mother who lost her son.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=32556
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I too want to tell you how very sorry I am and send my deepest sympathy to you and your family. My son is an addict and I know your pain, and in time I pray that you will truly understand that what you did, you did to try to help him, and you are in no way responsible.
I believe that God loves addicts as he loves all his children, and I believe that your brother rests safely with God today.
Thank you for having the courage to share this with us. It matters and we care.
Huge Hugs and Sincere Condolences
Ann
I believe that God loves addicts as he loves all his children, and I believe that your brother rests safely with God today.
Thank you for having the courage to share this with us. It matters and we care.
Huge Hugs and Sincere Condolences
Ann
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Baltimore,MD
Posts: 150
Frustrated,
I am so sorry that you and your family have to suffer this way and I am equally as sorry that your brother saw no other way out of his addiction.
I had replied to your other thread but it really matters not what I said anymore.
I have dealt with a similar situation many years ago and I am sending you all of my prayers for strength.
God Bless.
I am so sorry that you and your family have to suffer this way and I am equally as sorry that your brother saw no other way out of his addiction.
I had replied to your other thread but it really matters not what I said anymore.
I have dealt with a similar situation many years ago and I am sending you all of my prayers for strength.
God Bless.
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
May your whole family come to terms with your brothers passing and that in time you can remember the good and put all this behind you. I am so very sorry.
Surrounding all of you with the warm white light of God.
Love and prayers from one who cares,
Daffodil
Surrounding all of you with the warm white light of God.
Love and prayers from one who cares,
Daffodil
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