Constant Vigilance...my puppy has rabies!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Constant Vigilance...my puppy has rabies!
I haven't spoken to my X in almost a year. For the kids I've stuck to email correspondence for my own sanity. He is not recovering and likely spiraling. I have custody concerns that we're addressing. Two things of interest...
One-- His "new" lawyer hit me earlier this week with blame, blame, blame. I have alienated the kids, I have destroyed their relationship, I'm not supportive, I undermine him, etc. I'm NOT doing that. I've erred at being TOO supportive to a guy who wants me to create his relationship, and hey, maybe maintain it too. Of course my lawyer knows this.
I shouldn't have been surprised, I was expecting it. But still when it came--there was the familiar lurch in my gut, the shock, the fear, the anger. Indignance that he could even think that. I want credit for my high road!! But I caught myself. He hasn't changed. Being around healthy people lowered my guard by creating healthy expectations WHERE THEY SHOULD NOT APPLY.
Two--Kids were supposed to go visit for spring break and refused to as they have historically. They don't communicate much with him in general and vice versa. He emailed that they've ignored his multiple texts and calls and I need to make them call him. (Translation- I texted once 5 mins ago and haven't heard anything yet.)
I emailed that they were refusing to go, and received a typically-worded response that he "didn't understand what refusing meant" and "expected my support in this relationship". I had to explain what refusing meant (duh), and that it wasn't healthy for the kids for me to force the visit. I told the kids they needed to tell him themselves. To be "supportive" I offered to facilitate a call between them so they could talk (against my stomach's nauseated better judgement).
So yesterday I had to hear his voice.
I forgot. I forgot that there isn't ever "normal" guy. It's either raging angry jerk or lost wounded puppy dog. How could I forget?!
Puppy dog answered the phone. Puppy was "woe is me", "I'm gonna miss you", "I can't force you to want to be with me", "I wish your mother would...", sounding like bursting into tears the whole time, expecting kids to do something. One son left immediately, the other managed it very well.
Found myself sitting there afterwards...am I doing the right thing? Does he "need" his kids? Should I be doing more? Does he really have a problem? (This led to huge questioning of my custody actions.)
Good news- I caught myself relatively quickly. Took about an hour.
He is in charge of him. He can use this to decide he doesn't like the situation... and ACT... and FOLLOW THROUGH. I know he won't. Except maybe on the blame. And he IS an addict.
I guess the purpose of this post is to share that, while I do believe I'm recovering well, it's SO easy to get roped back in to feeling that I own his pain, am responsible for things, or need to "help him"...or to slip back into the denial. If you're in the thick of things right now with your A, don't beat yourself up when this happens. Praise yourself when you recognize it more quickly each time. Fight for your reality.
It did reopen some sadness in my heart for his choices and life. That surprised me after all of his abusive behavior.
Thanks for listening.
One-- His "new" lawyer hit me earlier this week with blame, blame, blame. I have alienated the kids, I have destroyed their relationship, I'm not supportive, I undermine him, etc. I'm NOT doing that. I've erred at being TOO supportive to a guy who wants me to create his relationship, and hey, maybe maintain it too. Of course my lawyer knows this.
I shouldn't have been surprised, I was expecting it. But still when it came--there was the familiar lurch in my gut, the shock, the fear, the anger. Indignance that he could even think that. I want credit for my high road!! But I caught myself. He hasn't changed. Being around healthy people lowered my guard by creating healthy expectations WHERE THEY SHOULD NOT APPLY.
Two--Kids were supposed to go visit for spring break and refused to as they have historically. They don't communicate much with him in general and vice versa. He emailed that they've ignored his multiple texts and calls and I need to make them call him. (Translation- I texted once 5 mins ago and haven't heard anything yet.)
I emailed that they were refusing to go, and received a typically-worded response that he "didn't understand what refusing meant" and "expected my support in this relationship". I had to explain what refusing meant (duh), and that it wasn't healthy for the kids for me to force the visit. I told the kids they needed to tell him themselves. To be "supportive" I offered to facilitate a call between them so they could talk (against my stomach's nauseated better judgement).
So yesterday I had to hear his voice.
I forgot. I forgot that there isn't ever "normal" guy. It's either raging angry jerk or lost wounded puppy dog. How could I forget?!
Puppy dog answered the phone. Puppy was "woe is me", "I'm gonna miss you", "I can't force you to want to be with me", "I wish your mother would...", sounding like bursting into tears the whole time, expecting kids to do something. One son left immediately, the other managed it very well.
Found myself sitting there afterwards...am I doing the right thing? Does he "need" his kids? Should I be doing more? Does he really have a problem? (This led to huge questioning of my custody actions.)
Good news- I caught myself relatively quickly. Took about an hour.
He is in charge of him. He can use this to decide he doesn't like the situation... and ACT... and FOLLOW THROUGH. I know he won't. Except maybe on the blame. And he IS an addict.
I guess the purpose of this post is to share that, while I do believe I'm recovering well, it's SO easy to get roped back in to feeling that I own his pain, am responsible for things, or need to "help him"...or to slip back into the denial. If you're in the thick of things right now with your A, don't beat yourself up when this happens. Praise yourself when you recognize it more quickly each time. Fight for your reality.
It did reopen some sadness in my heart for his choices and life. That surprised me after all of his abusive behavior.
Thanks for listening.
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am I doing the right thing? Does he "need" his kids? Should I be doing more? Does he really have a problem?
I wish there was a way to surgically implant in parents (especially the addict variety) that children are not there for you, you are supposed to be there for them.
Had the same issue here with AXH acting like he had a right to have the children with him, even though they became physically ill when the subject came up.
Hang tight and get a good lawyer, my friend.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Thanks all. Hopeful, I am totally hopped up today- jittery and dazed- and I realized it's that stinking fight or flight... every nerve ending buzzing... when you ignore the puppy, the angry rager makes sure you PAY DEARLY. I just don't know how or when it's coming and who will receive it. I hope it's not the kids.
I'm exhausted.
I'm exhausted.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
He can fly in and see his children....if he really wanted to see them. I wish more mothers would listen to their children and stand strong.
Poor me, poor me.....look at the consequences of my choices. Let's see who I can blame because it certainly can't be me. Blah!!
Poor me, poor me.....look at the consequences of my choices. Let's see who I can blame because it certainly can't be me. Blah!!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Originally Posted by lillamy 
I wish there was a way to surgically implant in parents (especially the addict variety) that children are not there for you, you are supposed to be there for them.
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