CodeJob

So counseling two weeks ago it was made clear that I could do better. Driving home I had this vision of me sitting at the very same light with no ring on and reminding myself to drive down to the condos. I'd always thought I would stay in house so this was a new idea. Let H have the house. Just walk away?

Last night counseling we talked about the one time my H opened up in the past two weeks."Did you feel validated by this one conversation?" And I replied that although I thanked him for the effort, in a two week period no that was not enough emotional connection - especially since there is no intimacy.

"CodeJob, sometimes you can do everything you can and you will not get the result you want. There is no urgency to make a decision, but you have accomplished what you needed to. You know you can do better. At your age, you don't have to live like this. Your H is in denial, unwilling to work on his intimacy issues and unwilling to go to marital counseling to work on the relationship. You cannot fix anything in this relationship with more counseling on your own."

So then I told T my H feels I betrayed him when I locked him out of house and told his family last year. T winced. "CodeJob, you two have so much history..." I pushed on and said my H does not understand that when I locked him out of house, it was for me. I was done with alcoholic H. I told his family bc I did not expect him to quit, I expected him to go to his family. I wanted to warn them what they were going to be dealing with. I mean after 19 years of drinking coming first, I sort of figured he'd choose A. So look at that CodeJob. You were done when you changed the locks. You were done, done, DONE!

So I drove home. H was in his usual spot. I kept my mouth shut. He said, "What's wrong?" Counseling was tough tonight I said. "Why are you looking at me so gravely?" Oh I don't know probably because I can't talk to you right after counseling, when it is dark out, on a week night due to work, when our kid could hear us, or the fact you are so in denial that our relationship is dead. Alcohol had killed this relationship before you stopped drinking. That all of this work I did on ME can't save this marriage because you won't work on us. And he does not get it. "Counseling was difficult." And I left it at that.

"And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far I could"

Robert Frost - The Road Not Taken

Praying

Sending you a lot of hugs and prayers. You sound SO centered..which I know might sound funny with the emotions swirling in your head. But you ARE.

I share that frustration. I call it "the look". The half empty, emotion-free look on my face when people think I've gone comatose while I stare at them and have what feels like 75 conversations in my head. Knowing the entire time that saying any words out loud would be futile. Frustrated that I don't get to say those words... and what finally comes out of my mouth certainly gives me no satisfaction.

But you know where to get your satisfaction. And you know it's not fair (sometimes I still Iike to think like a two year old). It might not sound like success this morning, but it really sounds like your entire engagement (from your meeting with T through your convo with H) couldn't have gone better. From your side.

First place, second heat. You might be running for the consolation prize today, but you're winning it!

I'm sorry it's so frustrating. You're not alone...more hugs. Thanks for sharing.

Ann

Codejob, I just want you to know that your post really touched my heart. It expresses so well the "defeat" we feel when all else fails...when in fact it may be a "victory" over denial and open the door to better tomorrows.

FireSprite

Your post really touched me too, CJ. (((((BIG HUGS))))) to you today!!!

Hammer

yep.

Hawkeye13

ditto

I hope you don't mind if I post the poem. . .

The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference.

hopeful4

CodeJob....I do know just what you mean. My therapist is helping me turn the focus on myself, what I can do to make my life a fulfilling one...for me.

I send you Tight Hugs, you are not alone.

God Bless. Thank you for sharing.

Stung

This is exactly what we talked about in my appointment yesterday too, even used the metaphor of having been at a fork in the road at one point and now I'm about to barrel back down this path and check out what's on the other one. It's scary and exciting at the same time.

FireSprite

I just saw this pic this morning & it reminds me of what you all are talking about here.....