I need a reality check, I have to make a change.
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I need a reality check, I have to make a change.
I'm so frustrated. I keep banging my head against the wall, trying to find a shred of hope that we don't have to break our household up.
Last night my AH told me how he can't believe the experience he had the other night when he had the seizure, that it felt like a near-death experience. The doctor said he could have easily died. He told me that there is no WAY he'll ever touch anything again, because it's just not worth it. Then he started talking about getting help for his anxiety and other issues. I said basically, "Get help now. This week, or I'm gone as of Friday night." He asked me for help finding someone.
I just made an appointment for both of us to meet with someone and texted him the time. He asked me if I was planning on going with him and I said I would like to sit down with a specialist and basically follow their advice on a plan of action, whatever that might entail. He then said, "I don't need you there holding my hand. You are just way too controlling, I think divorce would be best." So I just said "Fine."
Here I am, questioning my own sanity and "controlling" tendencies. I was not ASKING to sit there with him through his appointment. I wanted to spend a few minutes talking about what's been going on TOGETHER because it affects ME TOO. But no, I am dismissed as controlling. I need out of this so badly. I feel like a wreck. Why do I cling to every little sliver of hope he gives me? I don't know how to be objective anymore. I feel so lost when it comes to him. He knows how to make me feel crazy, controlling, and silly. This is a guy who has been arrested multiple times while drinking, who has lost friendships over drinking, lost his driving privileges for a year, and who was just in the hospital for a drug-induced seizure. WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THE CRAZY ONE?
Last night my AH told me how he can't believe the experience he had the other night when he had the seizure, that it felt like a near-death experience. The doctor said he could have easily died. He told me that there is no WAY he'll ever touch anything again, because it's just not worth it. Then he started talking about getting help for his anxiety and other issues. I said basically, "Get help now. This week, or I'm gone as of Friday night." He asked me for help finding someone.
I just made an appointment for both of us to meet with someone and texted him the time. He asked me if I was planning on going with him and I said I would like to sit down with a specialist and basically follow their advice on a plan of action, whatever that might entail. He then said, "I don't need you there holding my hand. You are just way too controlling, I think divorce would be best." So I just said "Fine."
Here I am, questioning my own sanity and "controlling" tendencies. I was not ASKING to sit there with him through his appointment. I wanted to spend a few minutes talking about what's been going on TOGETHER because it affects ME TOO. But no, I am dismissed as controlling. I need out of this so badly. I feel like a wreck. Why do I cling to every little sliver of hope he gives me? I don't know how to be objective anymore. I feel so lost when it comes to him. He knows how to make me feel crazy, controlling, and silly. This is a guy who has been arrested multiple times while drinking, who has lost friendships over drinking, lost his driving privileges for a year, and who was just in the hospital for a drug-induced seizure. WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THE CRAZY ONE?
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Step Two: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
I was "the crazy one" too, for longer than I care to admit. If he wants recovery, that's on him. He is the one who is sick, but trying to use logic and reason with someone who is illogical and unreasonable is a recipe for making yourself sick.
What about you? What do you want?
I know it's sickening and terrifying to break up a household, but sometimes it's the only way to heal yourself.
Take care of yourself first. Sending hugs and strength your way.
I was "the crazy one" too, for longer than I care to admit. If he wants recovery, that's on him. He is the one who is sick, but trying to use logic and reason with someone who is illogical and unreasonable is a recipe for making yourself sick.
What about you? What do you want?
I know it's sickening and terrifying to break up a household, but sometimes it's the only way to heal yourself.
Take care of yourself first. Sending hugs and strength your way.
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Honestly, Emmy? I know I'm crazy. I'd have to be to stay as long as I did. And, even now that I've left, I see-saw between feeling GREAT and feeling so incredibly sad. I know I have control issues. These things are all normal when living with an addict. We pick up some of the crazy in an effort to cope with the crazy (and in my case since I've always lived with alcoholics I never knew not crazy.)
That said, you are absolutely right. He is the one with the addiction. He's the one with the legal problems. He's the one that almost died. I kind of think if he really was completely ready to quit and to seek help, he would be open and transparent about it. The fact that he's waffling and not wanting you involved sets off warning bells for me.
It's ok to be done, Emmy. You've given him enough... you don't have to give him anymore. You can choose you and your children. It's ok to let him go.
That said, you are absolutely right. He is the one with the addiction. He's the one with the legal problems. He's the one that almost died. I kind of think if he really was completely ready to quit and to seek help, he would be open and transparent about it. The fact that he's waffling and not wanting you involved sets off warning bells for me.
It's ok to be done, Emmy. You've given him enough... you don't have to give him anymore. You can choose you and your children. It's ok to let him go.
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You know what, I'm right there...this is the closest I've ever been. I feel stronger emotionally than ever, in that in the early years of our marriage, when I was very pregnant and dealing with all of this, I was a paralyzed wreck. I didn't know which way to turn and I would lie down and cry. When he was out on a bender, I would literally try to sleep as much as I could so I didn't have to think/worry. Now, I'm still worried but I don't cry. I go on with life, I go to work, I take care of the kids. I'm overwhelmed by the small things right now, the actual moving out, finding a place, getting the money together, deciding where to live, etc. I need to just force myself to figure it out and make the necessary decisions.
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I keep banging my head against the wall, trying to find a shred of hope that we don't have to break our household up.
Why do I know it's crazy talk? Because I've been there. Patching up a dream about happily ever after that was deader than a dead doornail that had been dead for a very long time.
I would swing back and forth wildly depending on what desires AXH expressed at any given moment. He wanted a divorce -- OK. He wanted me to promise to never leave him -- OK. Back to divorce. To working it out. Over. And over.
The only one who could decide to get off that crazy ride was me.
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Originally Posted by lillamy 
That's a little bit of crazy talk right there, my friend. Break what household up? There is no household. He is killing himself with drugs. You are trying to artificially hold together something that he broke a long time ago.
Why do I know it's crazy talk? Because I've been there. Patching up a dream about happily ever after that was deader than a dead doornail that had been dead for a very long time.
I would swing back and forth wildly depending on what desires AXH expressed at any given moment. He wanted a divorce -- OK. He wanted me to promise to never leave him -- OK. Back to divorce. To working it out. Over. And over.
The only one who could decide to get off that crazy ride was me.
Why do I know it's crazy talk? Because I've been there. Patching up a dream about happily ever after that was deader than a dead doornail that had been dead for a very long time.
I would swing back and forth wildly depending on what desires AXH expressed at any given moment. He wanted a divorce -- OK. He wanted me to promise to never leave him -- OK. Back to divorce. To working it out. Over. And over.
The only one who could decide to get off that crazy ride was me.
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Hi Emmy;
I'm so sorry for what you are going through here.
Just want to send you a hug and to let you know that you seem to be the sane one here, not him.
When you get some physical and emotional distance, it will seem so much clearer.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through here.
Just want to send you a hug and to let you know that you seem to be the sane one here, not him.
When you get some physical and emotional distance, it will seem so much clearer.
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For a moment, I'll have real clarity - I'll know exactly what I need to do. Then, he shows some vulnerability and expresses a little feeling and I feel like switch in my brain flip ("Yay! We're gonna be ok! There's hope! What should we have for dinner tonight?) and I'm back hoping for the best.
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"Why do I cling to every little sliver of hope he gives me? I don't know how to be objective anymore. I feel so lost when it comes to him. He knows how to make me feel crazy, controlling, and silly."
I've lived this for so long! Exactly - clinging to the sliver of hope, being made to feel all of those things...give yourself permission to let go, you deserve better.
"That's a little bit of crazy talk right there, my friend. Break what household up? There is no household. He is killing himself with drugs. You are trying to artificially hold together something that he broke a long time ago.
Why do I know it's crazy talk? Because I've been there. Patching up a dream about happily ever after that was deader than a dead doornail that had been dead for a very long time.
I would swing back and forth wildly depending on what desires AXH expressed at any given moment. He wanted a divorce -- OK. He wanted me to promise to never leave him -- OK. Back to divorce. To working it out. Over. And over.
The only one who could decide to get off that crazy ride was me."
Lillamy - this is so true, thank you
I've lived this for so long! Exactly - clinging to the sliver of hope, being made to feel all of those things...give yourself permission to let go, you deserve better.
"That's a little bit of crazy talk right there, my friend. Break what household up? There is no household. He is killing himself with drugs. You are trying to artificially hold together something that he broke a long time ago.
Why do I know it's crazy talk? Because I've been there. Patching up a dream about happily ever after that was deader than a dead doornail that had been dead for a very long time.
I would swing back and forth wildly depending on what desires AXH expressed at any given moment. He wanted a divorce -- OK. He wanted me to promise to never leave him -- OK. Back to divorce. To working it out. Over. And over.
The only one who could decide to get off that crazy ride was me."
Lillamy - this is so true, thank you
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Hi EmmyG, your husband's near-death experience probably scared him into wanting recovery, but time is allowing him to rationalise it. Instead of asking you not to come to his appointment, he's talking divorce. That sounds to me like he's backing down from the whole deal.
So he goes to the specialist alone. What have you lost? He'll either commit for his own sake or not, and you being there may take away he feeling of being responsible for his own recovery.
It's making you crazy I know, but in a way you have the certainty that there's no action you can take to control him, and you don't have to take on that burden.
So he goes to the specialist alone. What have you lost? He'll either commit for his own sake or not, and you being there may take away he feeling of being responsible for his own recovery.
It's making you crazy I know, but in a way you have the certainty that there's no action you can take to control him, and you don't have to take on that burden.
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I don't feel your husband is planning on getting any type of recovery. He doesn't want you there because he is A) really not going or B) Is going but only planning to tell the therapist his version of things.
You are trying to apply rational behavior to a person whose only objective is to continue to find a way to get high. A rational person who had done all these things would be kissing your boots begging you for another chance, that's how normal people think. He ain't normal, he is an addict. What this is called is blame shifting - its all your fault you know. it doesn't have anything to do with him - he wants a divorce because YOU are so controlling! Whatever.
It would be funny if it wasn't so d**n sad. You're not crazy. You will be eventually if you keep putting up with it.
Have you in my thoughts - sounds like you are turning a corner. I hope so.
You are trying to apply rational behavior to a person whose only objective is to continue to find a way to get high. A rational person who had done all these things would be kissing your boots begging you for another chance, that's how normal people think. He ain't normal, he is an addict. What this is called is blame shifting - its all your fault you know. it doesn't have anything to do with him - he wants a divorce because YOU are so controlling! Whatever.
It would be funny if it wasn't so d**n sad. You're not crazy. You will be eventually if you keep putting up with it.
Have you in my thoughts - sounds like you are turning a corner. I hope so.
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Right on, Redatlanta,
Or his most recent words, are just another attempt to silence you, get you off his back, so he can continue doing what addicts do.
He told you point blank, " I don't need you there holding my hand, You are just way to controlling"
IMHO that translates to "LEAVE ME ALONE".
I am a firm believer in giving people what they ask for.
Best to get out of the way, he is not ready to address HIS addiction.
Hugs to you!
Or his most recent words, are just another attempt to silence you, get you off his back, so he can continue doing what addicts do.
He told you point blank, " I don't need you there holding my hand, You are just way to controlling"
IMHO that translates to "LEAVE ME ALONE".
I am a firm believer in giving people what they ask for.
Best to get out of the way, he is not ready to address HIS addiction.
Hugs to you!
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Emmy, I just went back & read a lot of your early posts from a couple of years ago to get a better idea of what you have been going through & I'm thinking perhaps it would benefit you to do the same?
The reality check that you are seeking might just be right there in your own words...... it's very plain to me that he is cycling further & further into the progression of this disease, but like the frog in a pot of slowly boiling water, you have adjusting degree by degree and aren't seeing the full scope of it all. It sounds like you have had to seek refuge at your parents house many times over the last couple of years in order to keep your boys safe & that's no way for any of you to continue living.
All of his recent quacking is the result of fear but not a desire to change.
I know you are wanting to hold onto the fantasy of holding your family together but it seems from your posts that you have managing this illusion alone for a long time. Maybe it's time to give you & your kids all that energy that is being wasted trying to make sense/logic out of his addiction. In reality, once you remove the emotions (easier said than done, I know) the facts speak for themselves.
((((Hugs)))) I have to say, after reading some of your earlier posts, now *I* want to leave your husband, lol. I hope today is a better day for you!
The reality check that you are seeking might just be right there in your own words...... it's very plain to me that he is cycling further & further into the progression of this disease, but like the frog in a pot of slowly boiling water, you have adjusting degree by degree and aren't seeing the full scope of it all. It sounds like you have had to seek refuge at your parents house many times over the last couple of years in order to keep your boys safe & that's no way for any of you to continue living.
All of his recent quacking is the result of fear but not a desire to change.
I know you are wanting to hold onto the fantasy of holding your family together but it seems from your posts that you have managing this illusion alone for a long time. Maybe it's time to give you & your kids all that energy that is being wasted trying to make sense/logic out of his addiction. In reality, once you remove the emotions (easier said than done, I know) the facts speak for themselves.
((((Hugs)))) I have to say, after reading some of your earlier posts, now *I* want to leave your husband, lol. I hope today is a better day for you!
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Originally Posted by EmmyG
Now, I'm still worried but I don't cry. I go on with life, I go to work, I take care of the kids. I'm overwhelmed by the small things right now, the actual moving out, finding a place, getting the money together, deciding where to live, etc. I need to just force myself to figure it out and make the necessary decisions.
At times I realize all the small things lead up to one big decision and that's what is paralyzing me and making me feel overwhelmed. Then I remember I don't have to make the big decisions yet, I can do just one small thing.
Maybe you can do that too. No decision, just a step. Whether it be putting aside some money, looking into places you might want to live, changing up your schedule so you have more time for taking care of you, ....
Leave your A to himself and live your life whether or not he seeks sobriety. As long as you are safe.
The big decisions will get made when they are ready to get made and by then you will most likely have many of the pieces in place if need be.
Remember the 3 C's.
(((HUGS)))
BTW
He asked me for help finding someone.
Last edited by dancingnow; 03-13-2014 at 05:31 AM. Reason: add something
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
Emmy, I just went back & read a lot of your early posts from a couple of years ago to get a better idea of what you have been going through & I'm thinking perhaps it would benefit you to do the same?
The reality check that you are seeking might just be right there in your own words...... it's very plain to me that he is cycling further & further into the progression of this disease, but like the frog in a pot of slowly boiling water, you have adjusting degree by degree and aren't seeing the full scope of it all. It sounds like you have had to seek refuge at your parents house many times over the last couple of years in order to keep your boys safe & that's no way for any of you to continue living.
All of his recent quacking is the result of fear but not a desire to change.
I know you are wanting to hold onto the fantasy of holding your family together but it seems from your posts that you have managing this illusion alone for a long time. Maybe it's time to give you & your kids all that energy that is being wasted trying to make sense/logic out of his addiction. In reality, once you remove the emotions (easier said than done, I know) the facts speak for themselves.
((((Hugs)))) I have to say, after reading some of your earlier posts, now *I* want to leave your husband, lol. I hope today is a better day for you!
The reality check that you are seeking might just be right there in your own words...... it's very plain to me that he is cycling further & further into the progression of this disease, but like the frog in a pot of slowly boiling water, you have adjusting degree by degree and aren't seeing the full scope of it all. It sounds like you have had to seek refuge at your parents house many times over the last couple of years in order to keep your boys safe & that's no way for any of you to continue living.
All of his recent quacking is the result of fear but not a desire to change.
I know you are wanting to hold onto the fantasy of holding your family together but it seems from your posts that you have managing this illusion alone for a long time. Maybe it's time to give you & your kids all that energy that is being wasted trying to make sense/logic out of his addiction. In reality, once you remove the emotions (easier said than done, I know) the facts speak for themselves.
((((Hugs)))) I have to say, after reading some of your earlier posts, now *I* want to leave your husband, lol. I hope today is a better day for you!
I have a job interview today, and once I find out the results I am going to make big changes. I've been talking it out with my sister a lot and she's helping me try to think it through logically - where to move, kids' schools, etc.
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