This is me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Virginia
Posts: 17
This is me
Writing this is so hard. I have been trying for a long time. Im desperate for help. I'm so lost. I am 32 years old. I have no options and no resources but God does not want me to give up and I must believe that.
I need a medical detox treatment facility for PTSD and substance abuse. If your not rich then there's no help. I'm desperate for someone to point me in the right direction. In every prayer God has been urging me to write what help I need and send it to whoever I can think of. I trust Him but I'm angry cause I'm so tired of the pain I cause myself.
A year ago I allowed my husband to inject me with his medicine suboxone. We would shoot up around eight times a day. I have tried to stop but the withdrawals are horrendous and I can't handle it. Suboxone withdrawal can last for months. I have managed to decrease the amount I take from 10-20 mg a day to 2-8 mg a day but I can't stop altogether. I'm scared because I only have enough left for 2 days. I have no way to get the dug except through my husband. I allowed him to inject me because I am so desperate for his love and attention. We have been together for 13 years and I have tried to get away from him before but I keep going back. I'm more addicted to him than anything. I have allowed my step-dad to have custody of my children because I did not want them around this behavior or my chaos.
I'm addicted to him I believe because of my PTSD. My father sexually molested me from the ages of 2-6. My Uncle (my dad's brother) raped me consistently from the ages of 8-12. My friends uncle sexually molested me when I was 11. My father died in front of me from alcohol when I was 20. My mom loves me and she tried her best but she is manic depressive. She was either very loving or she called me names, hit me, and was so busy with her projects when I was growing up that she wasn't able to teach me how to be independent and care for myself. My mom never got the help she deserved. As a child I always felt guilty and responsible for everything bad. When I was 6 years old I lived in LA California and was walking to school when a major earthquake hit. I immediately blamed myself for the destruction of the city!
Since I can remember I have been falling apart in chaos. I always feel like a burden because I have a hard time keeping a job so I run back and forth between my mom and my husband. I have never kept a job past 6 months. I am a musician, I have a associates degree and I work very hard when I do work but every 3-6 months I fall apart. I begged my mom to send me to a treatment center for help when I was a teenager. I even begged her to send me to military school but she refused to let me go. She really wanted the best for me but she thought I wouldn't be able to handle it. She didn't realize that her keeping me home kept me from getting the help I needed. There's so much more but I'm trying to keep this as simple as I can.
I have a fire inside of me that wants to fight. I have always wanted to be better. God wants me to get better. I have been in psychiatric hospitals several times for suicide attempts. I have spent most of my life in therapy and most of my therapist have told me I need to go to a extended care treatment facility because they are not equipped to give me the help I need. Most of the time I just pretended to be better and would tell my therapists that I was ok. I have needed help for so long. Something has always prevented me. I have made every possible attempt to get help since leaving my husband 2 weeks ago. I have called every rehab, every organization, I have followed every lead but so far no one is able too help me. I don't have insurance or money and no one can deal with the suboxone. When I call places asking for advice or help I am treated like I'm trash. I just don't understand how there could be no help for someone so desperate for help! I contemplate getting myself arrested because of the programs available to people in prison.
I am willing to work hard in whatever way to get help. I don't have the money to go to treatment. I have just enough jewelry I can sell to get me to a rehab but no rehab will take me. How can people afford $5,000 and more a month to get help? I can't afford insurance. I don't have a car or a home and it's hard to believe that my life will never start because of money. I'm so afraid. I don't wanna live like this. Please God please help me find a treatment center who will take me or a person or organization who will fund me, or a scholarship. If I could have a chance to work off my stay I would clean the entire building and more day and night to pay for my treatment. I would landscape, do laundry, organize, do paperwork, whatever! I will do anything to get help. I want so bad to be a mom and to contribute to society. I don't want to be a homeless drug addict anymore. I don't want to give up. I wish I could just do it but I can't do it alone. I need help detoxing. I want to be sober. Please can anyone help me or point me in the right direction? Please?
I need a medical detox treatment facility for PTSD and substance abuse. If your not rich then there's no help. I'm desperate for someone to point me in the right direction. In every prayer God has been urging me to write what help I need and send it to whoever I can think of. I trust Him but I'm angry cause I'm so tired of the pain I cause myself.
A year ago I allowed my husband to inject me with his medicine suboxone. We would shoot up around eight times a day. I have tried to stop but the withdrawals are horrendous and I can't handle it. Suboxone withdrawal can last for months. I have managed to decrease the amount I take from 10-20 mg a day to 2-8 mg a day but I can't stop altogether. I'm scared because I only have enough left for 2 days. I have no way to get the dug except through my husband. I allowed him to inject me because I am so desperate for his love and attention. We have been together for 13 years and I have tried to get away from him before but I keep going back. I'm more addicted to him than anything. I have allowed my step-dad to have custody of my children because I did not want them around this behavior or my chaos.
I'm addicted to him I believe because of my PTSD. My father sexually molested me from the ages of 2-6. My Uncle (my dad's brother) raped me consistently from the ages of 8-12. My friends uncle sexually molested me when I was 11. My father died in front of me from alcohol when I was 20. My mom loves me and she tried her best but she is manic depressive. She was either very loving or she called me names, hit me, and was so busy with her projects when I was growing up that she wasn't able to teach me how to be independent and care for myself. My mom never got the help she deserved. As a child I always felt guilty and responsible for everything bad. When I was 6 years old I lived in LA California and was walking to school when a major earthquake hit. I immediately blamed myself for the destruction of the city!
Since I can remember I have been falling apart in chaos. I always feel like a burden because I have a hard time keeping a job so I run back and forth between my mom and my husband. I have never kept a job past 6 months. I am a musician, I have a associates degree and I work very hard when I do work but every 3-6 months I fall apart. I begged my mom to send me to a treatment center for help when I was a teenager. I even begged her to send me to military school but she refused to let me go. She really wanted the best for me but she thought I wouldn't be able to handle it. She didn't realize that her keeping me home kept me from getting the help I needed. There's so much more but I'm trying to keep this as simple as I can.
I have a fire inside of me that wants to fight. I have always wanted to be better. God wants me to get better. I have been in psychiatric hospitals several times for suicide attempts. I have spent most of my life in therapy and most of my therapist have told me I need to go to a extended care treatment facility because they are not equipped to give me the help I need. Most of the time I just pretended to be better and would tell my therapists that I was ok. I have needed help for so long. Something has always prevented me. I have made every possible attempt to get help since leaving my husband 2 weeks ago. I have called every rehab, every organization, I have followed every lead but so far no one is able too help me. I don't have insurance or money and no one can deal with the suboxone. When I call places asking for advice or help I am treated like I'm trash. I just don't understand how there could be no help for someone so desperate for help! I contemplate getting myself arrested because of the programs available to people in prison.
I am willing to work hard in whatever way to get help. I don't have the money to go to treatment. I have just enough jewelry I can sell to get me to a rehab but no rehab will take me. How can people afford $5,000 and more a month to get help? I can't afford insurance. I don't have a car or a home and it's hard to believe that my life will never start because of money. I'm so afraid. I don't wanna live like this. Please God please help me find a treatment center who will take me or a person or organization who will fund me, or a scholarship. If I could have a chance to work off my stay I would clean the entire building and more day and night to pay for my treatment. I would landscape, do laundry, organize, do paperwork, whatever! I will do anything to get help. I want so bad to be a mom and to contribute to society. I don't want to be a homeless drug addict anymore. I don't want to give up. I wish I could just do it but I can't do it alone. I need help detoxing. I want to be sober. Please can anyone help me or point me in the right direction? Please?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 10
Strivinsearcher, sorry to hear about your struggles. I wish I could point you in the right direction. I have been dealing with alcohol for probably 15+ years, and am finally trying to give it up for good. Both of my parents were alcoholics, and I watched them both take there final breathe because of it. Had to deal with physical and verbal abuse when I was young, but I feel that I am a very strong willed person, and don't want to make excuses for my addiction. You seem the same way. I hope you find the help you need. Try and think of the things that are important to you, as well as doing it for yourself. Your belief in God should also help in those dark times. There is so much to live for in this world! With your new sobriety you will see all that potential that is inside of you. I hope to hear of your progress on here for a long time to come.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Do you have a local Teen Challenge or Salvation Army? If they are unable to help you they may be able to point you in the right direction. The one thing you MUST do is stop lying to your caregivers about getting well. That is helping no one and eventually they will stopy trying to help you because you cannot face up to the truth. Get on the phone and start calling. Be an advocate for yourself. You can do this, it is just going to take work and dedication.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Virginia
Posts: 17
Thank you for the encouragement. Yes I learned long ago about lying to my therapist. It wasn't until I was older that I realized I wanted help. I have contacted both the Salvation Army and Teen a Challenge. They can't help me until I'm sober. I'm desperately trying to find a scholarship to go to detox. Coming off of suboxone is hard but I don't have a choice since I don't have a prescription. I realize my only option is to endure the couple months of withdrawal. I just know that when your withdrawing your desperate to feel better and I'm scared I will run back to my husband. When the WD gets really bad I'm going to go to a ER and admit myself. Then when I get out I will admit myself to another ER until I'm able to endure the WD alone. Then I know I will be able to get help once I'm sober.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi StrivingSearcher - welcome.
I'm really sorry for your situation.
I'm not American so I have no local knowledge.
The only thing I can suggest for rehab help is look at this database.Substance Abuse Treatment Facility Locator
select your state, then your general location...if you hit the select services button you can refine the search results to the things you need, regarding cost and eligibility.
SAMSA (Substance Abuse & Mental Health Services Administration) also have a helpline if thats easier:
I wish you the best in getting the help you need
D
I'm really sorry for your situation.
I'm not American so I have no local knowledge.
The only thing I can suggest for rehab help is look at this database.Substance Abuse Treatment Facility Locator
select your state, then your general location...if you hit the select services button you can refine the search results to the things you need, regarding cost and eligibility.
SAMSA (Substance Abuse & Mental Health Services Administration) also have a helpline if thats easier:
I wish you the best in getting the help you need
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Virginia
Posts: 17
Thank you! As for you as well, I pray for strength for you through this. I'm so sorry about the loss of both your parents. Unless you have lived through it you just can not know how awful dying from alcohol is. I know you heart must break all the time for living through the loss of both your parents to alcohol. It's amazing your still able to give encouragement to others and realize your strength. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. It's nice not being alone.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
