findingmyself14

My fiance is 14 days sober today. He is in treatment, detox and now inpatient for co-occurring substance abuse and mental health issues (anxiety, depression).

I am new to this world of recovery. I'm just beginning to embark on this phase 2 of the alcoholic journey. Acceptance, gratitude, positivity, and trying to work through all of the horrible feelings I have - towards him and towards myself. I was a part of him getting to treatment - he did not fight. He knew it was time. For 3 years we have been together and for 2, our relationship has consisted of the typical ups and downs of the alcoholic world. I don't even know myself anymore.

Thing is - he is only in a 14 day program. I strongly feel that he needs to be in a structured place for another 14 days or more. He seems to feel the same way. His return home scares me. We live together and have been planning a life together. Regardless of all of this, he is returning home Sunday.

Our wedding is in May. I'm having a lot of mixed feelings about how to deal with this all. I know no one but me can make these hard decisions but I am looking for some advice from anyone with anything to say to a newcomer to this horrible world.

SparkleKitty

Hi there, and welcome.

If you are having mixed feelings, I can only promise you that having a wedding before you're sure will not do anything to assuage them. I know that plans have been made, deposits have been paid and word has gone out, but seriously, all of that will keep. Please don't have a wedding in May because you feel like you have to. If it is meant to be, it still will be when he has six months, twelve months, two years of sobriety and recovery under his belt.

14 days in the world of recovery is not even a drop in the bucket. Educate yourself about alcoholism, and especially about dual-diagnosis issues. If you do decide to spend the rest of your life with someone in recovery, you need to know exactly what you are getting into. He will never be "cured" of addiction, he will have to make a choice every day, for the rest of his life, not to use. And you will never ever be able to make that decision for him, or influence it in any way.

This struck me as well: "I don't even know myself anymore." Take it from someone who has been married twice -- knowing who you are, where you come from, and what you want out of life is essential to a healthy marriage. YOU have stuff to recover from, too. This form is a great place to start understanding what that means.

There are many stickied posts at the top of the main F&F page that can help you understand what you are dealing with - both his recover and yours. I wish you the strength and courage to keep your eyes, mind and heart open as you learn about this disease.

Peace.

MissFixit

Are you in therapy? It might be a good time to meet with a professional to discuss all of your relationship issues and stressors.

Chelsea1029

He is only two weeks sober....I would hold off on the wedding. I really wish I knew more about alcoholism when I married my husband- I never would have married him and my life would be very different. I can't regret it because I have two beautiful children but I caution you in getting married before understanding addiction thoroughly and being certain.
My husband was sober for years...now my life is a mess.

m1k3

A good rule of thumb is 1 year sober, in recovery, before making any major commitments.

Also, you might want to look into Al-Anon. It's a great place to meet people who know what you are going through and to find yourself again. I highly recommend it.

Your friend,

dandylion

I can promise you that everything that you are unhappy about now---will be magnified by 10 times in a few months time. You are headed for certain disaster, in my opinion.

My suggestion---cancel the wedding. See how you feel in a year tor 2 (at least). In the meantime--follow the other suggestions, here. Learn everything you possibly can about alcoholism and consider attending alanon.

Knowledge is power.

dandylion

Stung

I too wish I would have known more about alcoholism before I married my husband. He wasn't an active alcoholic when we got married but we was one not long after our first wedding anniversary.

If it were me, I would indefinitely postpone the wedding. If he stays committed to sobriety and things look good in a year, then set a new date. That should give you close to 2ish years before you're legally bound to him.

In the meantime, early recovery is still kind of a roller coaster. My husband is almost 2 months sober now. He started seeking sobriety in mid-December and relapsed after 30+ days, which was scary as heck for me and is apparently VERY common in early recovery. Try to stay focused on your own health and well being since that's all you can control.

ichabod

Postpone the wedding and allow him to focus on his recovery. Most don't recover but plenty do. Spend a year learning and healing and see how you both feel/do.

I have been married for 21 years and my RAH is entering his 5th year of sobriety this month. Life is good now, but knowing what we both went through to get where we are now, I wouldn't have married him. Life was so much harder than it had to be. Now if I met him today knowing that he is committed to his program and sobriety I would marry him in a heartbeat.

Don't set yourself up for so much pain. Pause and observe for a good while. There is no rush.

findingmyself14

I should have mentioned. Yes I have a therapist. Been going for six months. Been going to al-anon that long as well.

I appreciate the advice. I have been working on myself and truly feel that my own beginning of recovery influenced his decision to find his.

I don't know myself because I am coming to terms with everything I have sacrificed for him. The strength of networks and supports and friends have made it doable.

Thanks for your advice.

dandylion

findingmyself---May is less than 2months away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE VERY HARDEST PERIOD OF EARLY RECOVERY.

dandylion

marie1960

Be your own best friend, and give yourself the gift of time.

Marrying someone who will only be 60+ days sober in the month of May, has disaster, heartache, and a whole bunch of unnecessary pain written all over it.

If he is truly committed to his recovery, how can waiting an additional year possibly hurt?

Those mixed feelings, are your gut instinct at work, hope you stop, listen, and hear what that inner voice is saying.

You have every right to be concerned. This is a huge commitment.

I see so many people planning weddings, getting caught up in all the hoopla and excitement of the wedding, ( and I agree it is a happy and exciting time in someone's life), I would be more concerned about the actual marriage, the wedding is ONE night, those marriage vows " UNTIL DEATH DO WE PART"

please proceed with caution, marrying him is not going to make his disease just vanish. He is an alcoholic the rest of his life............

dandylion

Another thought---PLease, at least, get some form of reliable birth control!

The very saddest threads that I read on this forum are those where the children are involved--especially the heartbreaking custody issues.

dandylion

lillamy

You remember that abstinence campaign with the posters that said "If you love me, you will wait"?

That's what came to my mind.

I believe that a strong relationship does not need to hurry.
And I know from experience that being married to an actively drinking alcoholic is a nightmare.

I would postpone the wedding for a year. Never mind that invitations have been sent out, never mind that aunt Jemima is traveling all the way from Australia, never mind that people will find out he's an alcoholic and it will be embarrassing.

This is about the rest of your life.

It is way, way, way better to be a bit embarrassed now and maybe ruffle a few feathers among friends and relatives than to be locked into a commitment that could turn into a nightmare.

My ex spent 30 days in inpatient treatment. He was sober for 4 months and is currently drinking himself to death -- homeless, jobless, friendless. As much compassion as I have for him, I'm glad I'm not taking that journey with him

AnvilheadII

I don't even know myself anymore.

then you are in no condition to commit yourself, who you do not know, to someone else, who you also do not know! please put the nuptials on hold....neither of you needs that kind of stress right now! he is just 2 weeks sober, he will need a good year of solid recovery actions and consistent 365 days of NO drinking to even begin to gain some ground.

you've been together 3 years.....the last two of which have been consumed with HIS problems. and his returning to your shared home SCARES you. these are not the elements that indicate this is the time to commit to a lifetime with another individual.

Santa

Do yourself a huge favor and don't marry an alcoholic.