Gulfbuster

I had a college professor who advised us to "Never be a prophet in your own land". I'm not an alcoholic but my wife is and after 20 years I've come to the sad conclusion that I knew all along. I'm powerless to help her. Furthermore, I've done everything wrong to help. The sweet, kind, loving women. The mother of my sons is a ghost now. So many painful experiences because of her addiction. She's never been nasty, or mean just passive and drunk. No infidelity, no DUI's (yet). Her health is now an issue as she has experienced seizures but keeps on drinking.

My epiphany came during her drunken behavior for my son's 20th birthday. Totally hammered. If I say black she says white, she shuts down and becomes patronizing and condescending. I could go on and on. All of you know the behaviors, the sick dance.

For two weeks I've been dealing with her on (maybe) a dry drunk. She refuses to consider treatment and is stubborn and foolish enough to attempt to detox herself. I know the dangers. I've stopped obsessing about whether she's drinking so I have no idea if she has decided to make an effort to quit.

I've come here because I can get some support and relate to folks like myself who have seen a loved one descend into addiction. Will be going to Al-Anon and encouraging my sons to attend as well. Thanks for listening.

IOAA2

Hi. I strongly advise Al-Anon ASAP for your and the children's sanity.
I was painfully made aware that we can not get anyone sober or drunk unless they want to.
In this site "Friends and Family of Alcoholics" on this forum site is a lot of help to start with.

BE WELL

Anna

I hope that you can find some peace in your life.

Gulfbuster

Thanks IOAA2. I've known that for a long time and I'm familiar with the twelve steps and how it can help as I've referred many people and worked in addictions. My struggle is more riddled because I really blinded myself and was in just as much denial as my addicted partner. I appreciate your support !

Gulfbuster

Thank you Anna.

SineadOConnor

Thank you for sharing your pain and frustration. Take care of yourself.

Gulfbuster

Thanks Sinead. "I didn't cause it", I cannot control it, I cannot cure it" been my mantra we so often lose any insight especially when clouded by our love for the person who used to be.

PurpleKnight

Hey Gulfbuster, you gotta do what's best for yourself and your sons.

At the end of the day she can only help herself if SHE wants to, no one can force an addict to change unless they themselves make the decision. But all the while people get hurt in the meantime due to their actions/inactions.

You'll find loads of support here!!

least

Welcome! You have a good knowledge of addiction, that is, you know you can't 'fix' her. Do get some support from AlAnon for yourself and sons. I hope you can find some peace of mind.

Gulfbuster

Thanks. You're absolutely right and I do understand that it is her choice. And yes, the hurt. Really hard. Ireland looks absolutely beautiful my friend. Love your Irish version of american soul music.

Gulfbuster

Least thanks. We cannot fix anybody. If you chase the dragon long enough ....you become him. If we try and control someone else, you only perpetuate your own unhappiness. Knowledge though can easily be blinded.

Soberween

You sound like my husband. He said he knew all along deep down that I was an alcoholic, but he ignored it because it was too painful to deal with for both of us for different reasons. The scary part is that when spouses enable or downplay our addiction, something catastrophic will most likely be the proverbial wake up call. Whether it be a DWI, loss of job, financial ruin, loss of health, death by accident (I fell so hard one time that ended up in the ER with a concussion) etc., your wife needs to understand (really understand) that it is a progressive disease and it is only going to get worse. I'm living proof that she can completely turn it around. She's so far into her addiction to alcohol that she can't imagine her life without it. I felt the same way, but now I can barely even see a glass of wine without gagging a little bit. I definitely don't look at wine longingly like some sort of old love. Miracles do happen.

Gulfbuster

Thanks Soberween! I hope she'll find sobriety. So much potential wasted. Believe me in my codependency I've explained the disease and how it progresses. So far the addiction is winning. I have to moderate my hope because my expectations have been too high. But yes there is always hope.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your situation Gulfbuster but I know you'll find support on SR
Do check out our Family and Friends forums too

welcome
D

MythOfSisyphus

I wish you well! Of course, I was on the other side, being the drunk one. One lie we tell ourselves is that we're not hurting anyone but ourselves. Sadly, that's not true as you can attest.

Good to have you at SR, Gulfbuster.

Gulfbuster

Thanks! up the hill then cursed by the Gods to roll back down....start all over again. Coping with an isolating, angry, person.