He left after getting sober
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 7
He left after getting sober
Although I'm not exactly new here, I haven't posted in quite a while and figured it would be cathartic to share my story.
My ABF (now RexABF) and I were together 8 years. He's the love of my life. I realized a few years in that he was an A, and when I approached him about it, he admitted it and agreed to let me help him. Over the years, he's been to several rehabs and always comes out with a fresh perspective and positive attitude, but it never stuck for long. When it did, though, things were always great. I know he loves me.
Last year was the worst year on record for not only me and him, but for many people I know (it must be because it was lucky number '13). His drinking was the worst I'd ever seen it, with him sleeping all day, getting up at night to drink, and barely able to walk. I tried to live my own life and not do anything to enable him. I finally said he could no longer be in my house if he was drinking, packed a bag for him, and had his mom come pick him up. I figured his drinking would at least slow down if he was there. It did for a while, but then got worse again, and everyone in his family was practically begging me to help him. I finally found him a rehab that I knew he'd have no excuses to say "no" to, and he agreed to go. He held my hand on the way there, and even told the admission counselor that he was going to marry me when he got cleaned up.
30 days later, I pick him up from rehab, excited to start things over. He was completely distant and non-communicative, so I tried to give him some space. But he continued to be like that, and my impatience got the best of me and we had a few blow-outs. Later that month, he sent me a text saying "We are on a break." I responded that that was unacceptable and he's either all in or all out, and a "break" is something that two people decide through an actual conversation. He then decided he's all out and hasn't spoken a word to me since. There were plenty of angry emails and texts, blaming me for everything (of course), but he has refused any actual conversation. He's saying I would hurt his sobriety. It's now been four months, and been the most painful thing I've even gone through. Most of his family has stopped talking to me too, and not one of them could even muster a "thank you" for everything I did to help get him sober.
I understand (now, more than ever) the space he needed when returning home, and I know I didn't do things right, but I also know I did not deserve this treatment. There's nothing really I can do except take care of myself and move on, but after 8 years, and then him leaving without a single spoken word, I'm really crushed. I need some kind of closure. Al-Anon has helped, and I'm in therapy now too, but I just really need to hear him tell me WHY. Will he come around and at least give me that eventually?
I'm sorry for such a long post, but thanks for listening
My ABF (now RexABF) and I were together 8 years. He's the love of my life. I realized a few years in that he was an A, and when I approached him about it, he admitted it and agreed to let me help him. Over the years, he's been to several rehabs and always comes out with a fresh perspective and positive attitude, but it never stuck for long. When it did, though, things were always great. I know he loves me.
Last year was the worst year on record for not only me and him, but for many people I know (it must be because it was lucky number '13). His drinking was the worst I'd ever seen it, with him sleeping all day, getting up at night to drink, and barely able to walk. I tried to live my own life and not do anything to enable him. I finally said he could no longer be in my house if he was drinking, packed a bag for him, and had his mom come pick him up. I figured his drinking would at least slow down if he was there. It did for a while, but then got worse again, and everyone in his family was practically begging me to help him. I finally found him a rehab that I knew he'd have no excuses to say "no" to, and he agreed to go. He held my hand on the way there, and even told the admission counselor that he was going to marry me when he got cleaned up.
30 days later, I pick him up from rehab, excited to start things over. He was completely distant and non-communicative, so I tried to give him some space. But he continued to be like that, and my impatience got the best of me and we had a few blow-outs. Later that month, he sent me a text saying "We are on a break." I responded that that was unacceptable and he's either all in or all out, and a "break" is something that two people decide through an actual conversation. He then decided he's all out and hasn't spoken a word to me since. There were plenty of angry emails and texts, blaming me for everything (of course), but he has refused any actual conversation. He's saying I would hurt his sobriety. It's now been four months, and been the most painful thing I've even gone through. Most of his family has stopped talking to me too, and not one of them could even muster a "thank you" for everything I did to help get him sober.
I understand (now, more than ever) the space he needed when returning home, and I know I didn't do things right, but I also know I did not deserve this treatment. There's nothing really I can do except take care of myself and move on, but after 8 years, and then him leaving without a single spoken word, I'm really crushed. I need some kind of closure. Al-Anon has helped, and I'm in therapy now too, but I just really need to hear him tell me WHY. Will he come around and at least give me that eventually?
I'm sorry for such a long post, but thanks for listening
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I am so sorry for all you have been through. I wish I could tell you that he would give you the answer you are looking for someday, but given the fact that he has not contacted you in the last four months, I would gently suggest letting go of that hope.
In truth, the answers you are looking for can only be found from within. Basing our futures on validation or reinforcement from someone else can keep us stuck for years. You gave, you were hurt, and now you have the opportunity to understand your part in what happened. You don't really need him to do that; you might not be able to until you let him go.
Sending you strength and courage.
In truth, the answers you are looking for can only be found from within. Basing our futures on validation or reinforcement from someone else can keep us stuck for years. You gave, you were hurt, and now you have the opportunity to understand your part in what happened. You don't really need him to do that; you might not be able to until you let him go.
Sending you strength and courage.
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
This happens a lot unfortunately whereas you would think it'd be the other way around. Hugs to you, you will feel better after a while. All that freedom and lack of stress and heartache. Hold onto that thought xxxxx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it's tough for sure but he may have decided that he needed to make BIG changes in ALL areas of his life to really grab sobriety and make it stick this time. with the numerous prior failed rehabs and all.
he did end it with poor form. but the thing is....he DID end it. and has gone no contact ever since. I doubt his reasons would EVER be want you think you want or need to here. you'll have to come to your own closure on this. that is the best way.
he did end it with poor form. but the thing is....he DID end it. and has gone no contact ever since. I doubt his reasons would EVER be want you think you want or need to here. you'll have to come to your own closure on this. that is the best way.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
fightorflight---In general terms......anyone who gets between the alcoholic and his ability to drink is viewed as the enemy. It did appear that you were captain of the "sobriety squad".....you found the rehab and held his hand on the way there. Many times people will go to rehab because of pressure from family and not because they are ready to get sober for themselves.
It is also true that in the early months of recovery--the alcoholic has trouble coping with simple living themselves---much less coping with a complex relationship with someone else.
Who knows what his thinking is/was?? You can only guess, at best.
This much I do know...from experience...you are being spared the misery of living with a newly recovering alcoholic. It is generally a walk through a new kind of He**!
I hope that you will invest time in understanding yourself. How did you get into this relationship and were willing to stay for so long. How can you make sure that you will never be drawn into an unhealthy relationship in the future. You certainly don't need another slice of this!!!!!
dandylion
It is also true that in the early months of recovery--the alcoholic has trouble coping with simple living themselves---much less coping with a complex relationship with someone else.
Who knows what his thinking is/was?? You can only guess, at best.
This much I do know...from experience...you are being spared the misery of living with a newly recovering alcoholic. It is generally a walk through a new kind of He**!
I hope that you will invest time in understanding yourself. How did you get into this relationship and were willing to stay for so long. How can you make sure that you will never be drawn into an unhealthy relationship in the future. You certainly don't need another slice of this!!!!!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Thank u for sharing your story. Eight years and you had a saving role and knew your role in this relationship. You anticipated you'd get to share in the good sober times too - but even his family is cutting you out. It is heartbreaking when your expectations in a relationship do not turn out.
Are you read up on codependency? A lot of us fixers - people who think we can save or change others- pretty regularly act in codependent ways with addicts, emotionally closed off or damaged people. We even are naturally drawn to the caring career fields I am told. Next time I see my therapist, I am going to ask him if he's a Codie! Just to turn the tables for a laugh before he starts pulling me through a review of the rut my marriage is in with RAH.
In time, this could be the biggest blessing in your life - that he ended it. I am sorry you are hurting. E-hugs to you...
Are you read up on codependency? A lot of us fixers - people who think we can save or change others- pretty regularly act in codependent ways with addicts, emotionally closed off or damaged people. We even are naturally drawn to the caring career fields I am told. Next time I see my therapist, I am going to ask him if he's a Codie! Just to turn the tables for a laugh before he starts pulling me through a review of the rut my marriage is in with RAH.
In time, this could be the biggest blessing in your life - that he ended it. I am sorry you are hurting. E-hugs to you...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 7
Thank you all for your wisdom and encouragement. I'm very much trying to see this as a good thing, and yes, there is definitely less stress now! But of course it doesn't make the hurt and feeling of betrayal go away.
I know I can't wait around for an answer that may never come, and am doing my best to even erase that thought from my mind, but I'm still having a hard time with that. I guess (hope) time will help ease the pain. But as they say...Time takes time.
Besides the "business" that we still need to take care of (ie unpaid bills, etc), I'm trying not to have any other contact with him. If he wants to reach out, that's on him. Trying to stay strong
It's so helpful to read these threads and see all the support that people give each other here!
I know I can't wait around for an answer that may never come, and am doing my best to even erase that thought from my mind, but I'm still having a hard time with that. I guess (hope) time will help ease the pain. But as they say...Time takes time.
Besides the "business" that we still need to take care of (ie unpaid bills, etc), I'm trying not to have any other contact with him. If he wants to reach out, that's on him. Trying to stay strong
It's so helpful to read these threads and see all the support that people give each other here!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 7
CodeJob - I've read up a lot about codependency, but the problem is, everyone seems to have a different definition for it. Generally speaking, I don't THINK I fit in to that, but the principles for getting out of a codependent situation are helpful just the same.
I've heard therapists say that they are the most screwed up people, which is why they got in to therapy - to understand themselves! Makes sense, really. I can see the codependent shoe fitting pretty well too
I've heard therapists say that they are the most screwed up people, which is why they got in to therapy - to understand themselves! Makes sense, really. I can see the codependent shoe fitting pretty well too
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Sometimes it is just a USER thing.
A's tend to be Users. They Use Alcohol, Use Drugs, Use Things, and often Use People.
After Rehab, you may just be sort of Useless to him . . . so . . .
Dandy had a GREAT point with this . . .
Boy, THAT is the truth.
Be glad you do not have kids with him.
But what is up with the money?
Recovering A's Actually Working the Program are not supposed to be bums.
A's tend to be Users. They Use Alcohol, Use Drugs, Use Things, and often Use People.
After Rehab, you may just be sort of Useless to him . . . so . . .
Dandy had a GREAT point with this . . .
This much I do know...from experience...you are being spared the misery of living with a newly recovering alcoholic. It is generally a walk through a new kind of He**!
Be glad you do not have kids with him.
But what is up with the money?
Recovering A's Actually Working the Program are not supposed to be bums.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 7
Hammer - That was exactly my feeling - that he no longer had any use for me. I feel used by his family, too. You are right, A's are users, that's just what they do. But it's VERY hard not to take it personally!
He owes me a LOT of money for his last stint in rehab. He keeps telling me he's going to pay it, but then comes up with lame excuses why he shouldn't have to. He's got the money, I think it's just him being controlling. I didn't want it to come to this, but I think I'm going to have to sue him civilly. I can't see how THAT's gonna help his sobriety, but that's on him. I will not allow him to saddle me with his debt.
I truly hope he his working his program, but it kind of sounds like he's not, huh? It would be even sadder after all this, that he didn't find lasting sobriety. But there's nothing I can do about that.
He owes me a LOT of money for his last stint in rehab. He keeps telling me he's going to pay it, but then comes up with lame excuses why he shouldn't have to. He's got the money, I think it's just him being controlling. I didn't want it to come to this, but I think I'm going to have to sue him civilly. I can't see how THAT's gonna help his sobriety, but that's on him. I will not allow him to saddle me with his debt.
I truly hope he his working his program, but it kind of sounds like he's not, huh? It would be even sadder after all this, that he didn't find lasting sobriety. But there's nothing I can do about that.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 43
It does seem for the best from all you've said. The fact that he is making excuses why he shouldn't have to pay you back & the fact that he is sending you e-mails & texts filled with blame sounds like he is still not very far in true recovery & probably isn't truly ready for a relationship with anyone. That to me says in reality it isn't personal. It's just him deflecting his own issues. You are just the closest one to blame. But, now is a great time to just focus on YOU & like other posters have said, work out your own whys, while letting go of his. I know the betrayal hurts, especially when you've given so much of yourself..been there, done that. Hang in there, it gets better!
K9 Trainer, Ret. Sys Engr
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: California
Posts: 389
I am new here but beginning to learn that I am the enemy of my sister's addictive behavior. It doesn't matter if she is sober the addict thinking has not been altered. Because of long term AD She cannot respond the way others do. The addiction has changed the way she thinks. Be the caregiver of you so you can continue doing good.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
I am sorry and think I understand how you feel! Been there done that....it hurts bad! Sometimes our blessing is something we don't see at the time! I realize that's not helpful now. The comments you received are very true! Hang in there and take care of yourself. I feel for you!
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