MRSH4

Our son began with an illness, chronic pain, now addiction, pain and a mess of a life. Here are some "clips" from my blog that I do not yet have the courage to share with the world:
Ten months now. This is how long we have been trying unsuccessfully to find out what is wrong with our teenage son. Imagine a highly motivated and active kid with a potentially promising career.One who recently turned down a reality show because his goal was not fame or money. His goal was to enhance his career by hard work and dedication. This same boy who one day doubled over in pain and couldn't stand up. Appendicitis - no recovery since surgery.
By living life outloud, we discovered another young adult struggling with almost the same problem as our son.
Ever feel like you were losing faith? Have you lived with anyone who suffered with chronic pain? I am ashamed to admit it. I was becoming that person. Each day I would find myself believing less that someone I love and raised could allow an illness to control and define them. I found myself angry. Angry at my son for giving up. I often accused him of lying down to die. All I wanted was to anger him in hopes of setting off sparks to get him to fight to have his life back. In those moments I found myself annoyed, angry and disappointed in him. This must be like the stages of grief or something near it. I am so ashamed.
While the diagnosis isn't as definitive as we would have wished. We are validated. Chronic pain due to hypersensitive nerve endings in the abdomen. Apparently, not as uncommon as one would think. With this knowledge there is new hope. Hopes for temporary treatment with medication until his body returns to normal. A secret hope that it happens quickly so our son may have a life again. Now as parents we begin to try and help him repair both his psyche and ours. Almost a year of destruction to our relationship as we "flailed" around in this illness.
I have forgotten to mention the anger that our son harbors for this illness he never wanted. Lucky us, we take the brunt of his pain and anger. Most days, we cope just fine, Others not so much. We are human. We feel pain and disappointment. We too are angry. We can not do this for him.
After this many months of pain and suffering I am almost afraid to ask anymore whether the new medicine is taking effect. Our son, who is 18 wants so desperately to be in charge of his life. How do we ever make him understand he lacks the life experience to do so? We did, in the early stages of this mess, try to just give him the tools and sit back to watch the choices that were made. After time dragged this on, we took over. He hates it, fights us with every question or suggestion and harbors so much anger. Our relationship, always strong and silly, now tattered and torn. For months we have allowed him to use his illness as an excuse to behave badly. Those days are now over. I realize now I should have never let it go on quite as long as it did. I pray that we recover from this damage. It is time for choices. Are you defined by this illness?This road is going to be longer than we expected. It is hard to look someone you love in the face and tell them to leave because you can no longer witness the self destruction. I think it's called "tough love". I simply call it pain. We have moments where a few of our words penetrate his hardened outer shell but in the end, so much anger. I did vow to not be overtaken, consumed or tortured by this mess we are left with and I will hold true to that. I rely on faith these days.
Each and every day proves to be difficult. The anger continues. We fight the urge to just give up and throw in the towel. It is painful. We have come to the conclusion that life must teach the lesson here, no matter what it is. I find myself jealous of those who are able to maintain normal relationships with their kids. Where did we go wrong? There it is, the hidden self blame. Oh, it has always been there but we keep it lying in the background. I long to have a goal oriented, self motivated directed and loving child again. This is so far from what we imagined. We are realistic parents who remember what it was like to be a kid. Our goals for our family reflect that realism. So why did it fail?
These were posts before I accepted that my son is now also an addict. It has been a long road. We are at acceptance. He knows he needs help but cannot say what for yet. Not sure if it is mental, physical or addiction. Gosh life is messy.

Lovenjoy

MRDH4 - your honesty is breathtaking. So sorry for the pain you and your family are in. SR is a wonderful place to find support and healing for yourself. Unfortunately we cannot find it for our children. There are many of us here who are dealing with similar circumstances to yours and are finding ways to improve our lives. We can only improve what is ours and I am learning that what is mine can be changed. The heartache, the worry, the darkness... A side affect of this personal growth of mine is that my son is not having his chaos fed by mine. And visa versa.

Something that is helping me very much is educating myself about addiction. I won't lie, it can be depressing. But knowing more about what addiction is has helped me accept my son's ordeal and also to be able to separate him from his disease when I interact. It is no longer so all consuming for me. I read all over SR and it has opened my eyes to my own problems while also giving me amazing insights into how to navigate a world I never thought to be apart of.

The parents here who have more experience than myself and are kind enough to share give me tools to go forward. One bit given was 'take the addiction out of the equation' when engaging with my own son - everything was about his addiction to me for awhile there and I couldn't cope anymore.

I am learning to focus on myself. I didn't know I was enabling and a codependent. Nobody here told me I was, I came to the realization on my own while educationing myself about my part in this family dynamic. And accepting this condition of mine has been liberating. I have reached out here and have started alanon for face to face support and after just a very short time I can finally breath again, and sleep again, and laugh again …

Sorry for the long ramble. Your story touched my heart and I just want you to know you are not alone. Please keep posting, it helps me to know I'm not alone and together we can carry this burden. Sending prayers for peace your way. It will get better.

lizwig

Sending you prayers for strength....we do understand the sadness and frustration of having to turn our loved ones over. I have days where my faith feels strong and I trust each day my son is one day closer to making the decision for himself. Other days I feel overwhelming sadness at all that has been lost and wonder how much longer this can go on. Acceptance is the key. I'm working on it. Big hug to you from another mama....

Kindeyes

I held tightly on to my son for a long time......believing that if only I could keep him alive until he was 21.....things would straighten out and he'd be ok. Then.....if only he could stay alive until 25.........he'd figure it out.....and he'd be ok. Eventually I heard "let go or be dragged" and I realized that I was holding on so tight that I was being dragged.....and it was killing me.

I let go but I try to let him know that even though I'm not holding on.....I am here.....ready to support any efforts toward recovery. And I don't have a front row seat. I'm focusing on my life, my husband, my career.....on me.

I found help here on SR, therapy, and Nar-Anon (and lots of reading).

There is a lot of support here from people who understand. You're not alone. None of us are......

gentle hugs
ke

Firefall

I feel the sense of no direction and the anger at the "messiness". It's kind of like waiting for a car to mow your down in the crosswalk.

allforcnm

Thank you for sharing those glimpses into your personal blog. My husband’s addiction also started from a legitimate need for pain medication, and it was something I just never expected. My heart goes out to your family as you deal with this situation; you and your son will be in my prayers this evening.

MRSH4

A giant thank you to each and every one of you who responded or simply read my post. Some days I just need to "scream" my weakness, my failures, our struggles and while they are few at the moment, our successes. I think what makes this most difficult for us is that we do not know if there is still actual pain involved with our son. That possibility is always scratching at the back of our minds. He agrees he needs help but is uncertain where it is needed most; pain, addiction or mental health. We think combating all three would be the key but the closest center that treats all is out of state and he is currently on probation for M possession. Then, of course, there is the question as to whether he really thinks he needs treatment or if he is just going through the motions to have a roof over his head. At the moment, he has sought help with a PhD. It is a start.

hopeful4

I wish I knew the answers, but I wanted you to know, I am reading this, hurting for all of you and praying for you. Tight Hugs.

MRSH4

There was relief knowing you did not have a physical illness that would take your life. Now we are left with a mental illness that may just do that very thing. A mental illness caused by drugs or hidden by drugs. The days remain the same. I am left to wonder what I may be missing. This illness has brought to the surface a very ugly being. An ugliness in myself as well. The moments that pass are now me coming to terms with a loss of sorts. A loss of my once sweet boy. It is a sad place where I am but in the same there is relief here. I have come to terms with many things these days. I am now forced to be "ok" with things no mother should be ok with. It is clear now that I cannot control anyone's happiness. I cannot make you miss your old self, fight your demons or want more for yourself. This will not end well. We will leave here with scars. Each and every night I pray for god to wrap you in his loving arms. If you end up in jail, which you likely will, I will begin another journey. This will not break me and I would love to say it will not break you but I am not sure of that.

Firefall

MRSH4 I feel for your pain.. I have lost a mother, sister, and niece... we are left with a hole in our heart and the never ending "what if had". Praying for peace to fill the holes for you.