think I've created a monster
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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think I've created a monster
First time posting here.... hi all-
Ive been with my husband since I was 16. Im 33 now and married. Hes developed a drug habit over the last few years. No kids yet. Although I would love kids, they cannot be brought into this environment. Im at a point where I need to move on or he needs to clean up. Outside the addiction, he is a very attentive husband and does things for me. He also stood by my side while I was physically ill. Which is probably the reason I haven't left yet. He said he quit but im still seeing signs...truth and honesty is hard to come by with him lately. I feel like a private investigator and its only made him a better liar and sneak. Now its almost impossible to catch him, but I have a gut feeling it aint right. I need solid proof! I dont want to live like this anymore and I know I deserve better.
Ive been with my husband since I was 16. Im 33 now and married. Hes developed a drug habit over the last few years. No kids yet. Although I would love kids, they cannot be brought into this environment. Im at a point where I need to move on or he needs to clean up. Outside the addiction, he is a very attentive husband and does things for me. He also stood by my side while I was physically ill. Which is probably the reason I haven't left yet. He said he quit but im still seeing signs...truth and honesty is hard to come by with him lately. I feel like a private investigator and its only made him a better liar and sneak. Now its almost impossible to catch him, but I have a gut feeling it aint right. I need solid proof! I dont want to live like this anymore and I know I deserve better.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
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Hi sickofitall, I have to take issue with your heading. You haven't created a monster or even an addict. That's his work.
It must be a very difficult time given that you still care for him, but if you want to have children and your gut instinct tells you he's actively using, then moving on would have to be an option.
You sound very level headed and I'm sure you will make the right decision for the right reasons.
Have you considered getting some support for yourself like Nar-anon or a counsellor? I've found SR brilliant during the time I've been here as well.
It must be a very difficult time given that you still care for him, but if you want to have children and your gut instinct tells you he's actively using, then moving on would have to be an option.
You sound very level headed and I'm sure you will make the right decision for the right reasons.
Have you considered getting some support for yourself like Nar-anon or a counsellor? I've found SR brilliant during the time I've been here as well.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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I probably shouldn't have said monster. Poor choice of words there. Sorry. I don't know why but I feel like I need proof. And my constant "investigations" has resulted in very sneaky addict. Hes impossible to catch! I just ordered drug tests. So I plan to use that to confirm my suspicions.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
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Originally Posted by sickofitall9 
I probably shouldn't have said monster. Poor choice of words there. Sorry. I don't know why but I feel like I need proof. And my constant "investigations" has resulted in very sneaky addict. Hes impossible to catch! I just ordered drug tests. So I plan to use that to confirm my suspicions.
There is a dance that begins as addiction progresses. We suspect something's wrong, we try to confront it, denial happens, so we begin to look for ways to confirm our suspicions.....and like you mentioned......the addicted individual becomes much more stealth.....and we become better private detectives.....and thus the dance begins.
Take a read around. The stickies at the top of the forum are great.
You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ontario
Posts: 180
If you do the test, believe the test. You wanted it so you can feel okay with yourself for making a choice to leave. Don't confront him with it, he won't admit to anything. Having him admit or deny the test results won't change the facts, and you won't convince him to change. If he is using, he bloody well knows he is using, and showing him the test won't change anything, except open the door to him talking you into changing your mind.
If you have had enough, it doesn't matter what the test says - you have simply had enough. Be strong, take a read around and see what your life looks like next year, 5 years or 10 years down the road with an active addict. Then decide if that is what you want your future to be.
Keep coming back for support! The people here will always listen and understand because we all have addicts in our lives.
If you have had enough, it doesn't matter what the test says - you have simply had enough. Be strong, take a read around and see what your life looks like next year, 5 years or 10 years down the road with an active addict. Then decide if that is what you want your future to be.
Keep coming back for support! The people here will always listen and understand because we all have addicts in our lives.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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This dance yall speak of is so true. I believe his drug of choice is crack. Its started out occasionally then turned into addiction. He's ruined our financial situation. The only thing ive ever wanted is a house and there is no way that is happening. Whats worse? Im a banker!!! The most important thing to me is my credit and finances. So he knows how to get me where it hurts. How can I possibly give people financial advice when my own situation is a mess. I feel like a hypocrite! Anyway great advice on not showing him the results. That will just give him room to manipulate me more. Ive got a lot to learn from yall. Ill just keep reading. I know I will need support int the coming months.
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Originally Posted by sickofitall9
The most important thing to me is my credit and finances. So he knows how to get me where it hurts. How can I possibly give people financial advice when my own situation is a mess.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Why do you need solid proof? If his actions are causing you anxiety and to be unhappy that is your right. Sometimes prior use is something we cannot get over, and that becomes the reality. I know just what you mean, I could be a detective by trade now! One day it clicked, what good was that crazy behvior doing? Absolutely nothing.
I stay because of my children. You are right to not bring children into this environment. You have to decide how this is making you feel and if that is what you want forever. If not, you have to decide what actions you want to do about it.
I am sorry. Tight Hugs.
I stay because of my children. You are right to not bring children into this environment. You have to decide how this is making you feel and if that is what you want forever. If not, you have to decide what actions you want to do about it.
I am sorry. Tight Hugs.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 88
It has been my experience that all my "detective work" ever did was make me unhappy... disappointed, angry, bitter... carrying around the truth in my head and heart, with no way to confront my AH without it turning into world war 3
I've learned that my gut tells me all I need to know... and then its usually just a matter of time before something simply falls out of a pocket, or I find something at the bottom of the washing machine... Rarely are those "gut" feelings leading me wrong.
So, for me... I've had to accept the truth for what it is. My AH is going to tell me only what he wants me to know, and work his tail off to cover up the rest... but I know what's happening, even if he thinks he's got all his tracks covered.
Now, it has been a matter of my own choices. Just for today, I choose to stay. Just for today I choose to believe that there is something that can and will change the present course for my AH and my marriage. Just for today, I choose to surrender my life and will to my Higher Power. Just for today, I choose love and acceptance. Just for today, I will react without unrealistic expectations...
I cannot worry about tomorrow... what will or will not happen on that day... whether he will confess and tell the truth... whether it will all come crashing down around me...
no... tomorrow is not my concern. So, I will live my life today... for me.
I've learned that my gut tells me all I need to know... and then its usually just a matter of time before something simply falls out of a pocket, or I find something at the bottom of the washing machine... Rarely are those "gut" feelings leading me wrong.
So, for me... I've had to accept the truth for what it is. My AH is going to tell me only what he wants me to know, and work his tail off to cover up the rest... but I know what's happening, even if he thinks he's got all his tracks covered.
Now, it has been a matter of my own choices. Just for today, I choose to stay. Just for today I choose to believe that there is something that can and will change the present course for my AH and my marriage. Just for today, I choose to surrender my life and will to my Higher Power. Just for today, I choose love and acceptance. Just for today, I will react without unrealistic expectations...
I cannot worry about tomorrow... what will or will not happen on that day... whether he will confess and tell the truth... whether it will all come crashing down around me...
no... tomorrow is not my concern. So, I will live my life today... for me.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Are you his wife or his jailer? I am clean and sober and have nothing to hide but if I had a partner who wanted me to take a drug test, I would tell him to go bling himself and that would be the beginning of the end for me.
Relationship should be based on trust, if he makes you unhappy and you cannot trust him that's all you need to know. He can quack his way through a drug test or even if he obediently takes it and admit to using then what?
Your suspicions will have been confirm but what is going to change?
What are you doing for yourself?
Relationship should be based on trust, if he makes you unhappy and you cannot trust him that's all you need to know. He can quack his way through a drug test or even if he obediently takes it and admit to using then what?
Your suspicions will have been confirm but what is going to change?
What are you doing for yourself?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
That will just give him room to manipulate me more.
manipulation takes two. he cannot manipulate you without your consent. he has as much power over you as you choose to give him. you KNOW he's doing drugs. crack is some bad sh!t. (former crackhead here). you can SEE that your finances are in ruins. if this goes on, it will ruin your credit, it certainly won't be a boon to your professional reputation that as a banker you've been living with a crack addict and helping to fund his habit.
you certainly have the wherewithal to protect yourself and your finances as best you can. a drug test won't do what you think it will. if it comes up negative, does that mean he's in the clear?? knowing what you know? doesn't really matter if you two were born in the same hospital and had adjoining incubators.....that was then, THIS IS NOW. THIS IS YOUR LIFE, NOW.
manipulation takes two. he cannot manipulate you without your consent. he has as much power over you as you choose to give him. you KNOW he's doing drugs. crack is some bad sh!t. (former crackhead here). you can SEE that your finances are in ruins. if this goes on, it will ruin your credit, it certainly won't be a boon to your professional reputation that as a banker you've been living with a crack addict and helping to fund his habit.
you certainly have the wherewithal to protect yourself and your finances as best you can. a drug test won't do what you think it will. if it comes up negative, does that mean he's in the clear?? knowing what you know? doesn't really matter if you two were born in the same hospital and had adjoining incubators.....that was then, THIS IS NOW. THIS IS YOUR LIFE, NOW.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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Yall are right. All of you. Trust me i dont want yo act like a parole officer! I needed to hear that. I feel like such an idiot holding out for hope and wasting more precious time. All my investigations always result in me feeling like crap. I just wish things could go back to how they were. But I guess we all wish for that. I guess im scared to leave. How to do it? He's threatened suicide if I leave. That scares me. His family will blame me. He barely has a job and cant take care of himself. I would literally have to set up another house and just never come home. And leave him a dear john letter. I dont think I could emotionally handle telling him to his face. He would threaten me. He knows its coming.. ive told him before if I ever find out hes using again and he doesn't tell me, its over. Point blank. No excuses.. no talks.. done. Guess I need to go put on my big girl panties!
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First....there is no way that you are an idiot.....if that were the case......there would be a whole bunch of idiots on this forum......and that's simply not true.
I stayed with my XAH for five years based on suicide threats. He told me that if I left him, he would kill himself. I couldn't handle that.....I thought I would be responsible. He wouldn't get clean. Wouldn't admit he had a problem. Wouldn't go to marriage counseling. I stayed. I cajoled. I pleaded. I cried. I begged. I suggested. I ignored. I did just about everything I could......for five years. I was told I was crazy. I was told I was cold and mean. I was manipulated and gaslighting tactics were used to keep me confused, afraid, and stuck.
After my son was born, I finally got to a point that I knew my life was not going to get better. I came to terms with the fact that if my XAH killed himself, I was not responsible. I felt as though I had been held as an emotional hostage for five years. I finally got to the point that the pain of staying with him was far greater than the fear of leaving him. And I divorced him.
That was 30 years ago. He's still alive. He's still addicted. He's filled with anger and resentment and blames me (and his second wife who also divorced him) for all of his problems in life. He still can't take accountability for himself. It's extremely sad.
I, on the other hand, moved on. Married again and have been happily married to a non-addicted, loving husband for 30 years. That wouldn't have been possible if I stayed in the marriage.
I can't predict whether your husband would really kill himself and calling the police if you're really concerned is an option. I'm not suggesting you leave. I'm not suggesting you stay. I am suggesting that you are NOT an idiot. You are a kind, loving person stuck in a difficult situation. We all have our limitations. We each get to figure out what those are. But suicide threats to keep someone is a very cruel form of emotional and psychological abuse.
We're pretty big on self care around here. Please......take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
I stayed with my XAH for five years based on suicide threats. He told me that if I left him, he would kill himself. I couldn't handle that.....I thought I would be responsible. He wouldn't get clean. Wouldn't admit he had a problem. Wouldn't go to marriage counseling. I stayed. I cajoled. I pleaded. I cried. I begged. I suggested. I ignored. I did just about everything I could......for five years. I was told I was crazy. I was told I was cold and mean. I was manipulated and gaslighting tactics were used to keep me confused, afraid, and stuck.
After my son was born, I finally got to a point that I knew my life was not going to get better. I came to terms with the fact that if my XAH killed himself, I was not responsible. I felt as though I had been held as an emotional hostage for five years. I finally got to the point that the pain of staying with him was far greater than the fear of leaving him. And I divorced him.
That was 30 years ago. He's still alive. He's still addicted. He's filled with anger and resentment and blames me (and his second wife who also divorced him) for all of his problems in life. He still can't take accountability for himself. It's extremely sad.
I, on the other hand, moved on. Married again and have been happily married to a non-addicted, loving husband for 30 years. That wouldn't have been possible if I stayed in the marriage.
I can't predict whether your husband would really kill himself and calling the police if you're really concerned is an option. I'm not suggesting you leave. I'm not suggesting you stay. I am suggesting that you are NOT an idiot. You are a kind, loving person stuck in a difficult situation. We all have our limitations. We each get to figure out what those are. But suicide threats to keep someone is a very cruel form of emotional and psychological abuse.
We're pretty big on self care around here. Please......take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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Just wanted to give everyone an update on the situation. Well of course, things did not get better since my last post. Nothing terrible, but nothing good. Consistent lying, which drives me crazy! I actually bought the drug tests but didn't do anything with them. One day after he disappeared for a few hours and came back high, I just flat out said it. You are high, I know you are. He huffed and puffed and could not believe I would ever accuse him of such a thing. So I went upstairs got the test and said "prove it then". He said of course I will! He really thought he was going to pass it. Well he did not, and I could tell by the way he was trying to look at it, gave him away. I looked at it and said "there is nothing more to say" and he for once, agreed. End of argument! Thank you Lord! Next day I told him I was leaving and moving out. He agreed to leave the house and stay with his parents and leave me the house. WHAT??? He also went for help for the first time ever. He has moved out for good for about a week now. He still texts me several times a day. I don't answer them. It feels really nice to be at home in my own house and not have to worry about where my purse, money, medications, or car keys are. We agreed on a 6 month separation. But since that is what is required for a divorce anyway, by then we'll be that much further along in the process. I honestly cannot see myself going back with him. It's like he is sick, and he was making me sick. But a burden has been lifted off my shoulders and since there was no fighting or drama, it was relatively easy. We both knew it was the right thing to do. I think he felt really guilty for putting me through all this and he finally had enough. Anyway he now says I should've sprang that drug test on him earlier. Guess it would've saved us time, $$$ and frustration with the whole "your lying, no I'm not" BS. What's weird, is that all of a sudden, we just don't feel compatible anymore. Sad, after 17 years of your life. Hopefully he continues to get help, because I really do care about him.
Peace.
Peace.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Thank you for the update. I hope things continue to go smoothly for you, although yes, its sad to see the end of a marriage, its wonderful to have peace .
I hope he finds his way, and you have done him a favor, by giving him consequences.
Wishing you the best.
I hope he finds his way, and you have done him a favor, by giving him consequences.
Wishing you the best.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Ultimately you don't need "solid proof." When your gut tells you something is off, it is. It is your body being put in fight or flight mode which is a reaction to stress and anxiety in your own life. You know that something is not right. You know you are not comfortable in your relationship. You are very wise to know not to bring children into a life with an addict. Your body being in that mode for extended periods has all sorts of negative effects.
I know just what you mean with the private detective thoughts and actions. I would make the best PI ever, I know all the tricks. The thing is, I now see that it's disgusting that I know those tricks. Had I had enough knowledge and self confidence in myself I would not have went down the road of driving myself nuts to "know for sure." All you need to know is what makes you tick and is this person going to do that for you?
I encourage you to look at your own life and examine what you want and see if this relationship could ever take you there. You deserve happiness and ultimately children if that is what you want in life.
Take care of YOU, God Bless!
I know just what you mean with the private detective thoughts and actions. I would make the best PI ever, I know all the tricks. The thing is, I now see that it's disgusting that I know those tricks. Had I had enough knowledge and self confidence in myself I would not have went down the road of driving myself nuts to "know for sure." All you need to know is what makes you tick and is this person going to do that for you?
I encourage you to look at your own life and examine what you want and see if this relationship could ever take you there. You deserve happiness and ultimately children if that is what you want in life.
Take care of YOU, God Bless!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: RICHMOND, va
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Originally Posted by Carlotta
Are you his wife or his jailer? I am clean and sober and have nothing to hide but if I had a partner who wanted me to take a drug test, I would tell him to go bling himself and that would be the beginning of the end for me. Relationship should be based on trust, if he makes you unhappy and you cannot trust him that's all you need to know. He can quack his way through a drug test or even if he obediently takes it and admit to using then what? Your suspicions will have been confirm but what is going to change? What are you doing for yourself?
Jailer? No, the need to regain her self esteem and confidence is what she's looking for. How about just the need to confirm that the sober one on the relationship isn't "crazy" as I was told over and over again by my AH. I actually began to believe that I was the one with the problem until I found proof. I disagree- in this situation it's the addict that has destroyed the trust and trust is something that you have to earn back. So to addict that lies, steals, pawns things and destroys their family should bling himself.
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