Pissed off at myself?
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Pissed off at myself?
Just tell me how stupid I am.
Awhile ago I spoke to AH and he said how he missed his dog and wanted to come over and see him. He got emotional on the phone about being away from his dog.
He said when I was ready for him to come over to see him let him know.
I felt I was ready to see him and was going to let him take his dog and get the rest of his stuff out the house.
I called him twice and he didn't answer then I texted him and nothing. I am so pissed off at myself.
I feel so stupid for reaching out to talk to him. I packed it all up and threw it I the garage.
Awhile ago I spoke to AH and he said how he missed his dog and wanted to come over and see him. He got emotional on the phone about being away from his dog.
He said when I was ready for him to come over to see him let him know.
I felt I was ready to see him and was going to let him take his dog and get the rest of his stuff out the house.
I called him twice and he didn't answer then I texted him and nothing. I am so pissed off at myself.
I feel so stupid for reaching out to talk to him. I packed it all up and threw it I the garage.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Awwww....Radiant, I'm so sorry. You really aren't stupid!
After all:
All's well that ends well 
I guess you can let him know that he can come over on such and such a day between X:XX and X:XX times to get his stuff or it's going to Goodwill.
After all:
Originally Posted by Radiant
I packed it all up and threw it I the garage.
I guess you can let him know that he can come over on such and such a day between X:XX and X:XX times to get his stuff or it's going to Goodwill.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
I'm getting rid of stuff and getting the house to sell 
This is so hard for me, I have never had a garage sale I feel like such a loser to lose my little house I worked so hard to landscape and take care of. My elephant ears grew 31 inches this year
Unless miraculously I get a job in the next month or so.
It will take a few months to get the house in order But I'm not going to reach out to him again. Unless he is at my front door i'm not going accept a text or call.
If he croaks on his pipe and drink it wouldn't surprise me one bit.
This is so hard for me, I have never had a garage sale I feel like such a loser to lose my little house I worked so hard to landscape and take care of. My elephant ears grew 31 inches this year
Unless miraculously I get a job in the next month or so.
It will take a few months to get the house in order But I'm not going to reach out to him again. Unless he is at my front door i'm not going accept a text or call.
If he croaks on his pipe and drink it wouldn't surprise me one bit.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I'm so sorry you might lose your house, Radiant....I have to admit, I wouldn't be able to afford the house we are in by myself if something happened to my husband. I can't begin to imagine what it must feel like to know that it's because of addiction.
Sending as many prayers and good thoughts your way as possible! Have you had any more interviews lately?
Sending as many prayers and good thoughts your way as possible! Have you had any more interviews lately?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Thank you Seren- No I haven't had anything it just goes into a hole of nothing. I did craigslist and it turned out to be a scam.
My house costs less than a one bedroom apt because I am out in a small town.
I just don't deserve anything good because everytime i'm happy it gets taken away from me.
Maybe my expectations in life is too high and I deserve a whole lot of nothing
My house costs less than a one bedroom apt because I am out in a small town.
I just don't deserve anything good because everytime i'm happy it gets taken away from me.
Maybe my expectations in life is too high and I deserve a whole lot of nothing
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Radiant 
You do deserve good things....very good, happy, joyous peaceful things!
I know you have been absolutely focused on finding work, and hope and pray that something will come of it soon.
When my ex-husband and I divorced, I had to go back to apartment living. It was very sad, but we had actually sold the house prior to the divorce because of my ex's spending habits. We had to use every cent to pay his credit card bills.
I know nothing about refinance programs or other programs for homeowner relief, but it might be useful to talk to your bank?
Others will be along soon with more experience in this area! Please hang in there!!
You do deserve good things....very good, happy, joyous peaceful things!
I know you have been absolutely focused on finding work, and hope and pray that something will come of it soon.
When my ex-husband and I divorced, I had to go back to apartment living. It was very sad, but we had actually sold the house prior to the divorce because of my ex's spending habits. We had to use every cent to pay his credit card bills.
I know nothing about refinance programs or other programs for homeowner relief, but it might be useful to talk to your bank?
Others will be along soon with more experience in this area! Please hang in there!!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Radiant, my heart goes out to you, and I'm also cross that life has put you in the state of mind where you think you don't deserve any better, because that's just so wrong.
I know from where you're standing it seems hopeless but please take it from me that there is always hope, especially for someone as well equipped and sensible as you. Please change the way you talk to yourself:
- 'I don't deserve anything good' OR 'I will decide what I deserve, and I'll work my way to it bit by bit.'
- 'I feel like such a loser to lose my little house I worked so hard to landscape and take care of.' OR 'I did a fabulous job on that house, and I'll do it again, only this time it will be all mine.' AND 'I am not the loser, my AH put me in this position, but it won't happen to me a second time.'
- 'I did craigslist and it turned out to be a scam.' OR 'Lot's of people fall for scams, but I didn't.'
- 'everytime i'm happy it gets taken away from me.' OR 'I will base my happiness on my own values and personal growth, and I won't put it in someone else's power'. OR 'Life has lots of ups and downs, but I will learn from the downs and go on wiser and happier.'
Why not write down all your negative self-talk in points form, then work out how to turn it into something positive and write that down instead?
I know when you look at other people's lives they seem so happy and perfect on the outside, but many have gone through terrible times and overcome obstacles to get where they are. I have lots of friends who have been left in a similar place to where you are now, and some have had a difficult time, but most have gradually rebuilt their lives stronger and better. It's taken years for some, but they've enjoyed the journey as much as the destination.
I know from where you're standing it seems hopeless but please take it from me that there is always hope, especially for someone as well equipped and sensible as you. Please change the way you talk to yourself:
- 'I don't deserve anything good' OR 'I will decide what I deserve, and I'll work my way to it bit by bit.'
- 'I feel like such a loser to lose my little house I worked so hard to landscape and take care of.' OR 'I did a fabulous job on that house, and I'll do it again, only this time it will be all mine.' AND 'I am not the loser, my AH put me in this position, but it won't happen to me a second time.'
- 'I did craigslist and it turned out to be a scam.' OR 'Lot's of people fall for scams, but I didn't.'
- 'everytime i'm happy it gets taken away from me.' OR 'I will base my happiness on my own values and personal growth, and I won't put it in someone else's power'. OR 'Life has lots of ups and downs, but I will learn from the downs and go on wiser and happier.'
Why not write down all your negative self-talk in points form, then work out how to turn it into something positive and write that down instead?
I know when you look at other people's lives they seem so happy and perfect on the outside, but many have gone through terrible times and overcome obstacles to get where they are. I have lots of friends who have been left in a similar place to where you are now, and some have had a difficult time, but most have gradually rebuilt their lives stronger and better. It's taken years for some, but they've enjoyed the journey as much as the destination.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
FeelingGreat has some GREAT advice. Please take it! You are capable, you can make it, and you will look back on this one day as just another event in your life. Maybe a BIG one...but not the DEFINING one...if you choose to turn your negative self-talk into positives.
You likely heard a lot of negatives for a while now. Throw that out with the A. You are beautiful... wait... RADIANT!
Sending prayers and hugs.
You likely heard a lot of negatives for a while now. Throw that out with the A. You are beautiful... wait... RADIANT!
Sending prayers and hugs.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Radiant, you didn't do any of the "stupid" things you did out of stupidity but rather out of kindness and hope. How could that make you a bad person who doesn't deserve good things to happen for her?
There's a saying in Alanon, "when we know better, we do better." You're just learning, so cut yourself some slack.
And I can empathize w/your job search--it's so very disheartening when you keep on applying and applying, spending so much time and energy writing and re-writing your cover letters, hoping that you'll at least get an interview. And you never hear anything. Not a peep. Not even a canned email saying "Thanks for applying but you're not qualified" or "The position is filled" or anything.
I know in my area, the local tech school has a "Workforce Development Center" where you can get help w/resumes, interviewing skills, etc. I haven't tried it, don't know how useful it is, but might there be something similar near you that might give you a boost in that area?
Hang in, and remember, you DO deserve good things in your life.
There's a saying in Alanon, "when we know better, we do better." You're just learning, so cut yourself some slack.
And I can empathize w/your job search--it's so very disheartening when you keep on applying and applying, spending so much time and energy writing and re-writing your cover letters, hoping that you'll at least get an interview. And you never hear anything. Not a peep. Not even a canned email saying "Thanks for applying but you're not qualified" or "The position is filled" or anything.
I know in my area, the local tech school has a "Workforce Development Center" where you can get help w/resumes, interviewing skills, etc. I haven't tried it, don't know how useful it is, but might there be something similar near you that might give you a boost in that area?
Hang in, and remember, you DO deserve good things in your life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Morning everyone- So had a weird night last night.
AH calls and tells me how he knows im upset because he didn't answer my call. I explained oh im not upset at all, I just thought since you mentioned you missed your dog so much and Sunday was a nice day I thought you would like to see him but since you choose not to, you lost out for yourself not me... (no comment could hear a pin drop) but I wasn't upset at all.
We discuss a little about us his response was "he's confused he doesn't know what's going on."
I said I want to thank you-- if you hadn't left and stayed gone and not called me I would of never realized how strong I was as a person. I was feeling back to my old self before we dated.
I told him I apologize I took marriage so seriously. After we got engaged I stopped going out with platonic guy friends for lunch bc I was a engaged woman.(friends prior to us dating) I explained I would feel so guilty to get a compliment from another man. I only wanted compliments from my man. I lost myself
I told him I see things differently and now - I get compliments or a smile from men now,, I stopped looking down when I walk.
I am one of the many women he would give his attention to and compliment about. I told him I honestly love the attention I am getting now and thanked him again.
I told him next time you stare at another woman's butt or breasts just think i'm getting that attention too now!! (I know it was stupid but had to put a pun in there for all the crap i've been through)
Well next thing you know he is going to pay the house until I get a job and wants to see me.
He began crying I told him I have to go. I woke up to 2 vm of him crying 8 text messages one saying "so I guess Im getting what I deserve"
What are your thoughts on this?
AH calls and tells me how he knows im upset because he didn't answer my call. I explained oh im not upset at all, I just thought since you mentioned you missed your dog so much and Sunday was a nice day I thought you would like to see him but since you choose not to, you lost out for yourself not me... (no comment could hear a pin drop) but I wasn't upset at all.
We discuss a little about us his response was "he's confused he doesn't know what's going on."
I said I want to thank you-- if you hadn't left and stayed gone and not called me I would of never realized how strong I was as a person. I was feeling back to my old self before we dated.
I told him I apologize I took marriage so seriously. After we got engaged I stopped going out with platonic guy friends for lunch bc I was a engaged woman.(friends prior to us dating) I explained I would feel so guilty to get a compliment from another man. I only wanted compliments from my man. I lost myself
I told him I see things differently and now - I get compliments or a smile from men now,, I stopped looking down when I walk.
I am one of the many women he would give his attention to and compliment about. I told him I honestly love the attention I am getting now and thanked him again.
I told him next time you stare at another woman's butt or breasts just think i'm getting that attention too now!! (I know it was stupid but had to put a pun in there for all the crap i've been through)
Well next thing you know he is going to pay the house until I get a job and wants to see me.
He began crying I told him I have to go. I woke up to 2 vm of him crying 8 text messages one saying "so I guess Im getting what I deserve"
What are your thoughts on this?
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
My thoughts you may not like. You sort of had to guilt him and scare him a little into caring much it sounds to me. Like all of a sudden he realized you are getting attention from other people so he better step in and put a stop to that.
I guess my thing would be...has he changed at all? Do you want a relationship with him at any point? Do you think he is going to work recovery enough to have a relationship with? If the answer is yes, than sure, back off and let him pay for the house. Just know it is going to come with strings attached. If the answer is no, I say get it over with and move on.
Just my opinion. Stuff is just stuff. You can landscape a new place, you can make a new place look cute...and it would be yours. I do understand what you are saying though.
I am sorry, I don't think I am helping at all so I am going to shut up lol!
I wish you a peaceful day and a big tight hug.
I guess my thing would be...has he changed at all? Do you want a relationship with him at any point? Do you think he is going to work recovery enough to have a relationship with? If the answer is yes, than sure, back off and let him pay for the house. Just know it is going to come with strings attached. If the answer is no, I say get it over with and move on.
Just my opinion. Stuff is just stuff. You can landscape a new place, you can make a new place look cute...and it would be yours. I do understand what you are saying though.
I am sorry, I don't think I am helping at all so I am going to shut up lol!
I wish you a peaceful day and a big tight hug.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Hi Hope- I appreciate your response good or bad I dont get better if everyone always agrees with me right ?
Looking back I summed up and not explained completely both sides Your right I can see it now.
He went on about other woman ect ect.
He asked me how I was so I told him. I did tell him I didn't feel the same anymore about us and that I wanted to move on. I wanted him happy and me too.
Gosh I feel bad posting this now. Is there anyway to have it deleted. I sound horrible
Looking back I summed up and not explained completely both sides Your right I can see it now.
He went on about other woman ect ect.
He asked me how I was so I told him. I did tell him I didn't feel the same anymore about us and that I wanted to move on. I wanted him happy and me too.
Gosh I feel bad posting this now. Is there anyway to have it deleted. I sound horrible
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,459
So let him pay the house for the moment and keep working on saving some money and job hunting.
Don't feel bad about what you said. You have a lot to be upset about in terms of his actions. None of us is perfect when people have hurt us.
Keep working your recovery and making your independent plans.
You can be nice to him and moving on at the same time.
Give yourself a hug Radiant--you are a good and loving person.
You deserve happiness and someone to love you the same way you love them
Don't feel bad about what you said. You have a lot to be upset about in terms of his actions. None of us is perfect when people have hurt us.
Keep working your recovery and making your independent plans.
You can be nice to him and moving on at the same time.
Give yourself a hug Radiant--you are a good and loving person.
You deserve happiness and someone to love you the same way you love them
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Don't ever feel bad for what you post, it is what you are feeling at the moment. If he went on and on about other women that says alot. You always have the option of doing what Hawkeye says, let him keep paying for the house until you get the finances sorted out. I just always see that when that happens they expect something in return which could cause YOU pain.
No matter what happens, you are working on you and while you may not always see it, we do. You are moving forward in working on yourself and doing a great job at it.
Blessings!!!
No matter what happens, you are working on you and while you may not always see it, we do. You are moving forward in working on yourself and doing a great job at it.
Blessings!!!
Originally Posted by Radiant 
Hi Hope- I appreciate your response good or bad I dont get better if everyone always agrees with me right ?
Looking back I summed up and not explained completely both sides Your right I can see it now.
He went on about other woman ect ect.
He asked me how I was so I told him. I did tell him I didn't feel the same anymore about us and that I wanted to move on. I wanted him happy and me too.
Gosh I feel bad posting this now. Is there anyway to have it deleted. I sound horrible
Looking back I summed up and not explained completely both sides Your right I can see it now.
He went on about other woman ect ect.
He asked me how I was so I told him. I did tell him I didn't feel the same anymore about us and that I wanted to move on. I wanted him happy and me too.
Gosh I feel bad posting this now. Is there anyway to have it deleted. I sound horrible
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,784
Radiant - don't feel badly for being so human & saying stuff out loud that so many of us think. While I agree that it sounds as though you knowingly used your words as a weapon, I'd be lying through my teeth if I didn't admit to having done the same thing a time or 2. Or 9. The growth comes from seeing that behavior in yourself now, recognizing that no good comes from it & stopping it from being part of your go-to ways of communicating.
It sounds to me like his change of heart has more to do with the things you said than a true desire to change. I don't think it changes anything in terms of who he is or where he is in his recovery, so I'm not sure if it's enough to base big life changes around. Good luck whatever you decide!
It sounds to me like his change of heart has more to do with the things you said than a true desire to change. I don't think it changes anything in terms of who he is or where he is in his recovery, so I'm not sure if it's enough to base big life changes around. Good luck whatever you decide!
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