InTheEnd

Day 5 and Friday! Still waking up at 4am, but atleast going to sleep at a decent hour. I forgot my "early rising" wasn't just an alcohol thing (though I was hoping it was)! Forgot that I've been this way my entire life just been too many years I haven't woken up alcohol soaked.

One of the pleasant effects of being clear headed, is I'm not sweating the small stuff. I noticed a moment of this last night.

Normal night with alcohol....
Start stressing and getting angry about having to do ANYTHING after work. Mental bitching, whining, and getting myself angry about this "huge" responsibility I have....and that task is? Making dinner and cleaning up! Yep, thats it! So, I have glass or two while beating myself up about having to do it....than another glass or two while doing it....then the mental bitching starts becoming real bitching to who ever is around to listen to me whine...then possibly, I start bitching at them about their choices in life, which I'm sure I know better, because I AM the sharpest tool in the shed when I'd be drinking...then we're in a fight, not my fault though, I DO KNOW BEST AND THEY JUST DON'T KNOW IT YET! (till tomorrow morning of course)...then they retreat and give up listening to all my knowledge...then I'm back to my mental gymnastics and mental bitching because now I have to clean up by myself! WHAT?! How dare they!? I can't believe how selfish THEY are! And why don't THEY ever want to spend time together? We're really losing our relationship and THEY don't even care enough to work on things! What is wrong with THEM!?!?!

Last night without alcohol...
Finished work, got up, made dinner, sat at the table just having casual conversation and actually listened. Cleaned up (with help). All without drama....all without the bitching....all without the mental gymnastics, resentment, and anger. It was quite eye opening. We've always been a feisty crew but the alcohol in me made me unbearable.....even to myself, though it was always "the day after" that I thought this.

All this insanity in my head about freakin dinner and dishes!?!?!?! Really?!?!? It really has been an exhausting few years mentally.

I knew it was the alcohol when it was the "day after", but when I'm drinking it.....I don't know it's the alcohol. I truly believe at that time I'm soooooo right and smart and the one who is being treated like ****, not the other way around. I will fight and state my opinions like its law while drunk and you will listen!

Then the next morning comes...........well, you know.

Ruby2

Thank you for sharing that. Nails it for me. Our head is our own worst enemy.