yAy! he's NOT DEAD!
once in a . . .
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
yAy! he's NOT DEAD!
went + took a bath to help get psyched up to go to the police station + file a missing husband report. The little voices told me that I really needed to try calling my favorite of his siblings again. So - deep breath - i did. (he's got *8* siblings and they're all alcoholic)
I asked him if he'd seen Brett lately?
"Yeah. I just left his place."
"Huh?!"
"Yeah, he's got a little house out in the country by Parnell. He just got his phone the other day but I don't have his number with me. Do you want me to have him call you?"
"Ummm, ok. Thanks."
and then I called my poor son and freaked out - quietly.
"Hey good news! He's NOT dead!!"
"Ummmmm, o-kaaaaaay - - -"
Hey I know! I'll tell him to come get his stuff and then I'll call the police to come get him!! (he's got a warrant out for failure to appear in court)
OR! (son's idea) - call 411, get his phone # and then 'Google' his address and THEN call the police!!!
See, my reasoning is that if he gets locked up and is *forced* to sober up, he will come to his senses and then come back to ME!!
ouch - it's all about *ME* isn't it???
I DO still feel strongly compelled to give the Electric Co. his new address if/when I get it. That's a $500 bill and it's in HIS name.
Or is that still trying to strike at him/hurt him??
Or is it making HIM take responsibility???
decisions decisions
Can I put a change of address in for him??? I don't see why *I* should have a stack of *his* mail. and I didn't really want to have it forwarded to my son's house.
OH OH OH!!! When I get his phone number, can I have 4yo Hannah call him?!?!?!? ("Papa when are you coming hooooome???)
No. That's a bit too manipulating and totally unfair to Hannah.
(and I don't have long distance - neither does Hannah)
(Was a fun thought for a second tho.)
ok.
Bottom line on this? He's NOT DEAD. and I really was beginning to believe he was. I have prayed every nite "Please, just don't let him be dead." Prayer ANSWERED. HUGE sigh of relief. (Tons of gratitude prayers going up!)
Next line up--> I don't have to do the big scary thing of going to the police station!
See??? It *IS* a good day! I just have to tilt my head a bit so I can see it at the right angle.
If I didn't have this program, I would be TOTALLY INSANE.
As it is, I'm only moderately insane.
Blue
ps. when/if I get it, I WILL give his phone #/address to his AA buddy tho!
I asked him if he'd seen Brett lately?
"Yeah. I just left his place."
"Huh?!"
"Yeah, he's got a little house out in the country by Parnell. He just got his phone the other day but I don't have his number with me. Do you want me to have him call you?"
"Ummm, ok. Thanks."
and then I called my poor son and freaked out - quietly.
"Hey good news! He's NOT dead!!"
"Ummmmm, o-kaaaaaay - - -"
Hey I know! I'll tell him to come get his stuff and then I'll call the police to come get him!! (he's got a warrant out for failure to appear in court)
OR! (son's idea) - call 411, get his phone # and then 'Google' his address and THEN call the police!!!
See, my reasoning is that if he gets locked up and is *forced* to sober up, he will come to his senses and then come back to ME!!
ouch - it's all about *ME* isn't it???
I DO still feel strongly compelled to give the Electric Co. his new address if/when I get it. That's a $500 bill and it's in HIS name.
Or is that still trying to strike at him/hurt him??
Or is it making HIM take responsibility???
decisions decisions
Can I put a change of address in for him??? I don't see why *I* should have a stack of *his* mail. and I didn't really want to have it forwarded to my son's house.
OH OH OH!!! When I get his phone number, can I have 4yo Hannah call him?!?!?!? ("Papa when are you coming hooooome???)
No. That's a bit too manipulating and totally unfair to Hannah.
(and I don't have long distance - neither does Hannah)
(Was a fun thought for a second tho.)
ok.
Bottom line on this? He's NOT DEAD. and I really was beginning to believe he was. I have prayed every nite "Please, just don't let him be dead." Prayer ANSWERED. HUGE sigh of relief. (Tons of gratitude prayers going up!)
Next line up--> I don't have to do the big scary thing of going to the police station!
See??? It *IS* a good day! I just have to tilt my head a bit so I can see it at the right angle.
If I didn't have this program, I would be TOTALLY INSANE.
As it is, I'm only moderately insane.
Blue
ps. when/if I get it, I WILL give his phone #/address to his AA buddy tho!
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
It is sooooooooooo hard to just let things happen at their own pace. Oh how anxious I get just thinking about all the times I tried to change something in another persons life. Ohhhhhhh.......
If he doesn't change his address though I think it would be alright to do that so you don't have to get all of his mail.
But, honey no need to step in the direction of vengence cause that has a way of taking care of itself too. I have been on both sides of the vengence thing and I know that the one who seeks it always pays the highest price.
If he doesn't change his address though I think it would be alright to do that so you don't have to get all of his mail.
But, honey no need to step in the direction of vengence cause that has a way of taking care of itself too. I have been on both sides of the vengence thing and I know that the one who seeks it always pays the highest price.
once in a . . .
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
But Splendra! I just wanna BEAT him a little bit! 
Seriously, thanks for the reminder about vengence. I do know that and I need to keep remembering that i know it. Thank you!
Blue
Seriously, thanks for the reminder about vengence. I do know that and I need to keep remembering that i know it. Thank you!
Blue
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: california
Posts: 43
I am happy for you blue......but doesnt bring up the how dare he rant?????
You sounded so calm, like he just forgot to let you know. The first thing I would have done was come in here and throw a big fit and then ask does anyone have any suggestions on where to hide the body. Sometimes the old me still rears its ugly head.
You are so good, even if you did have to tilt your head. I have to completely rescrew mine back on.
My prayers are with you
Rose
You sounded so calm, like he just forgot to let you know. The first thing I would have done was come in here and throw a big fit and then ask does anyone have any suggestions on where to hide the body. Sometimes the old me still rears its ugly head.
You are so good, even if you did have to tilt your head. I have to completely rescrew mine back on.
My prayers are with you
Rose
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
((((((((((Bluemoon))))))))) I'm glad for you he's not dead!
As far as the rest I don't know what to do, I'm kind of mad for you.
I would definitely have his bills forwarded though. I don't think that a vengence thing.
Ngaire
As far as the rest I don't know what to do, I'm kind of mad for you.
I would definitely have his bills forwarded though. I don't think that a vengence thing.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Reaching for the Rainbow
Posts: 45
Sell the doghouse, cause...
Sweetie, the puppy has left the kennel!
When I was in AA with some creative people and other writers, we had a saying and it's been around AA for a while too... "PUT IT ON THE BIG SCREEN!"
In other words, when someone came in who we know was deflecting, and making excuses to fall back into same behaviors, lying, or just not facing reality
, we'd always have to break it down and tell 'em, "Come on now, tell us what's REALLY going on? You ain't lookin' at the big picture, and you trying to make something happen that won't. Come on, if you can't see it, let me lay out how it plays to me...
LET'S PUT IT ON THE BIG SCREEN.
I hate to be harsh, but sometimes, someone has to lay it out for people, and being here has made me see a lot about my AW, and stuff about myself that I had to face up to. I had to stop lying to myself about so many things... and the truth hurts sometimes!
In AA many tread so softly around serious issues like this, and give vague inuendo as answers, and carefully worded deflections to avoid what's really wanted to be said... :sweat But I usually tell it like I see it. And granted "opinions are like assholes, and everybody's got one," but honey...
THE MAN IS GONE! HE'S NOT COMING BACK! He's changed addresses, and gottdammit girl, he's hookin' up his phone! He's gone on... and just like he took his life and moved away, you should be trying to MOVE YOUR LIFE FORWARD!
IT HURTS, AND IT WILL FOR A WHILE. But, what's the point of all that anger? You need to TAKE CARE OF YOU!
When a man has gone to such extremes to separate himself... baby, he isn't campin' for the weekend. He's telling you in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS, "GOODBY... I GOT A NEW PLACE, GET OVER IT!" Yeah, I understand the children part. When my 1stW, my son's mother and I separated, it was hard, but fortunately we worked it out, being a boy it was best for him to be with me. Sometimes, I wonder if that was the best choice, but me and his mother have remained friends all these years. She was an alocolic too, but not like the one I got now. She was one of those lovable drunks... overkill on the love to annoyance. In that one, I was the cruel one, and sometimes I wonder if that's why I'm going through all this with my AW. Karma and such you know? Am I getting payback for the way I treated her then, by the treatment mine is doing to me now? Hmmm, who's to say?
And to do what you playfully I hope, suggested, would scar that child for life; placing her in the middle like that. They are going to be a hell of a lot better off mentally, and emotionally, if you two remain in some concillitory relationship. The worst you can do is play your children in the middle of all this madness.
What'd splenda say, "...vengence... has a way of taking care of itself too. I have been on both sides of the vengence thing and I know that the one who seeks it, always pays the highest price."
I've always found, HAPPINESS AND SUCCESS IS THE GREATEST REVENGE! When they see you don't need them, aren't worried about them... they won't be able to handle it. That they can't control any of it. Be all you want to be... without him. It will work his last nerve! That'll be beautiful girl. Won't it? Shoot I think someone said once, "The oposite of love isn't hate... it's indifference!"
Try to make peace with the dude. Give it time to heal and let him see that you are doing better than he would have imagined. BRING BACK YOUR LIFE!
MAKE YOU HAPPY, AND YOUR CHILDREN. NOTICE I SAID YOU FIRST.
When I was in AA with some creative people and other writers, we had a saying and it's been around AA for a while too... "PUT IT ON THE BIG SCREEN!"
In other words, when someone came in who we know was deflecting, and making excuses to fall back into same behaviors, lying, or just not facing reality
, we'd always have to break it down and tell 'em, "Come on now, tell us what's REALLY going on? You ain't lookin' at the big picture, and you trying to make something happen that won't. Come on, if you can't see it, let me lay out how it plays to me... LET'S PUT IT ON THE BIG SCREEN.
I hate to be harsh, but sometimes, someone has to lay it out for people, and being here has made me see a lot about my AW, and stuff about myself that I had to face up to. I had to stop lying to myself about so many things... and the truth hurts sometimes!
In AA many tread so softly around serious issues like this, and give vague inuendo as answers, and carefully worded deflections to avoid what's really wanted to be said... :sweat But I usually tell it like I see it. And granted "opinions are like assholes, and everybody's got one," but honey...
THE MAN IS GONE! HE'S NOT COMING BACK! He's changed addresses, and gottdammit girl, he's hookin' up his phone! He's gone on... and just like he took his life and moved away, you should be trying to MOVE YOUR LIFE FORWARD!
IT HURTS, AND IT WILL FOR A WHILE. But, what's the point of all that anger? You need to TAKE CARE OF YOU!When a man has gone to such extremes to separate himself... baby, he isn't campin' for the weekend. He's telling you in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS, "GOODBY... I GOT A NEW PLACE, GET OVER IT!" Yeah, I understand the children part. When my 1stW, my son's mother and I separated, it was hard, but fortunately we worked it out, being a boy it was best for him to be with me. Sometimes, I wonder if that was the best choice, but me and his mother have remained friends all these years. She was an alocolic too, but not like the one I got now. She was one of those lovable drunks... overkill on the love to annoyance. In that one, I was the cruel one, and sometimes I wonder if that's why I'm going through all this with my AW. Karma and such you know? Am I getting payback for the way I treated her then, by the treatment mine is doing to me now? Hmmm, who's to say?
And to do what you playfully I hope, suggested, would scar that child for life; placing her in the middle like that. They are going to be a hell of a lot better off mentally, and emotionally, if you two remain in some concillitory relationship. The worst you can do is play your children in the middle of all this madness.
What'd splenda say, "...vengence... has a way of taking care of itself too. I have been on both sides of the vengence thing and I know that the one who seeks it, always pays the highest price."
I've always found, HAPPINESS AND SUCCESS IS THE GREATEST REVENGE! When they see you don't need them, aren't worried about them... they won't be able to handle it. That they can't control any of it. Be all you want to be... without him. It will work his last nerve! That'll be beautiful girl. Won't it? Shoot I think someone said once, "The oposite of love isn't hate... it's indifference!"
Try to make peace with the dude. Give it time to heal and let him see that you are doing better than he would have imagined. BRING BACK YOUR LIFE!
MAKE YOU HAPPY, AND YOUR CHILDREN. NOTICE I SAID YOU FIRST.
once in a . . .
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
LostDream - Your anger + vehemence seems to be directed at *me*. I'd appreciate you directing it where ever it *really* belongs.
My AH has left before - changed addresses, phones, jobs - for months. He HAS come back before. He was sober for seven yrs before this. We had a GOOD LIFE. No, not everything was rosy. But the good far outweighed the bad.
My AH did NOT "leave me" - he *IS* in the throes of his disease. There is a difference. I don't think that's denial - but it's fine if anyone else does - I don't care.
At this moment in time, I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE -
In my Higher Power, in my husband, in our love -
that things WILL work out, some how, some way, some day.
That is MY right.
Please respect it.
As far as having my g-girl actually call him - READ my post before blasting me. I said "No. That's a bit too manipulating and totally unfair to Hannah."
I'd die before I'd willing hurt one of my g-girls!
My child is a grown man and he *IS* in the middle of all this. It's his basement I'm moving into.
------
Rose - There have been many many times when I've had to totally screw my head back on as well!! Maybe I've just put myself thru so much hurt over the years (+ *not* just with AH!) that I've become more willing, alot sooner, to try to take the "SIMPLE" road. It seems to hurt alot less when I only have to tilt my head to see the good in a screwed up situation. In the past, screwing my head back ON has *always* involved *alot* of pain.
I don't like pain! I'd hate to count up the YEARS it's taken to figure that out.
I've thought these past weeks (is it 6 now?) that at least some of this would be so much easier if i could just GET MAD at him! I guess I'm just not to that point yet? {shrugs} - feels kinda weird. Actually, it feels rather peaceful. I usually have to pick up ALOT of broken pieces after I'm done being mad - figuratively + literally.
Everyone around me *IS* mad at him. My son + DIL, my mom, my brothers + sisters - - etc. - It doesn't seem to make THEM feel any better.
-------------
Ngaire - thanks for being mad 'for me'! That's kinda kewl -
I wonder - - - if me knowing all these people *are*mad at him doesn't kind of 'free' me from having to do it???
Thanks for the input on forwarding bills as well! It doesn't feel like vengence to me either.
-------------
oh + Splendra?? I've decided against beating him, even just a little. He does the job *MUCH* more efficiently himself.
and - I would NEVER be so mean.
-------
I'm trying hard to take care of myself. I'm doing what's in front of me, doing the things that need to get done. Sorting, packing, cleaning - getting ready to move. I'm going to f2f AA meetings, talking with all of you, seeing my therapist, seeing my psych - I *do* have an Al-anon schedule here on my desk, haven't made it to a f2f meeting *yet* but I WILL. I hate to make the excuse that there's too much 'on my plate' right now - - - but - *geesh* there's an awful lot - at least til the move is done.
I don't know how all of this is going to end - or when. I DO know that I AM *OK*. I know that I will BE *ok*, no matter what happens.
What an odd feeling that is.
Maybe it's the serenity I've been praying for all these years??
Blue
My AH has left before - changed addresses, phones, jobs - for months. He HAS come back before. He was sober for seven yrs before this. We had a GOOD LIFE. No, not everything was rosy. But the good far outweighed the bad.
My AH did NOT "leave me" - he *IS* in the throes of his disease. There is a difference. I don't think that's denial - but it's fine if anyone else does - I don't care.
At this moment in time, I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE -
In my Higher Power, in my husband, in our love -
that things WILL work out, some how, some way, some day.
That is MY right.
Please respect it.
As far as having my g-girl actually call him - READ my post before blasting me. I said "No. That's a bit too manipulating and totally unfair to Hannah."
I'd die before I'd willing hurt one of my g-girls!
My child is a grown man and he *IS* in the middle of all this. It's his basement I'm moving into.
------
Rose - There have been many many times when I've had to totally screw my head back on as well!! Maybe I've just put myself thru so much hurt over the years (+ *not* just with AH!) that I've become more willing, alot sooner, to try to take the "SIMPLE" road. It seems to hurt alot less when I only have to tilt my head to see the good in a screwed up situation. In the past, screwing my head back ON has *always* involved *alot* of pain.
I don't like pain! I'd hate to count up the YEARS it's taken to figure that out.
I've thought these past weeks (is it 6 now?) that at least some of this would be so much easier if i could just GET MAD at him! I guess I'm just not to that point yet? {shrugs} - feels kinda weird. Actually, it feels rather peaceful. I usually have to pick up ALOT of broken pieces after I'm done being mad - figuratively + literally.
Everyone around me *IS* mad at him. My son + DIL, my mom, my brothers + sisters - - etc. - It doesn't seem to make THEM feel any better.
-------------
Ngaire - thanks for being mad 'for me'! That's kinda kewl -
I wonder - - - if me knowing all these people *are*mad at him doesn't kind of 'free' me from having to do it???
Thanks for the input on forwarding bills as well! It doesn't feel like vengence to me either.
-------------
oh + Splendra?? I've decided against beating him, even just a little. He does the job *MUCH* more efficiently himself.
and - I would NEVER be so mean.
-------
I'm trying hard to take care of myself. I'm doing what's in front of me, doing the things that need to get done. Sorting, packing, cleaning - getting ready to move. I'm going to f2f AA meetings, talking with all of you, seeing my therapist, seeing my psych - I *do* have an Al-anon schedule here on my desk, haven't made it to a f2f meeting *yet* but I WILL. I hate to make the excuse that there's too much 'on my plate' right now - - - but - *geesh* there's an awful lot - at least til the move is done.
I don't know how all of this is going to end - or when. I DO know that I AM *OK*. I know that I will BE *ok*, no matter what happens.
What an odd feeling that is.
Maybe it's the serenity I've been praying for all these years??
Blue
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: No where
Posts: 79
Blue Moon
At least you know he is alive!! What a weight that must have been off your shoulders now matter what else is yet to come. And who really knows. That will be his decision to make. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or feels you should do. We are here to support you just as you are here for us. I know your words have helped me tremendously. In the end the decision is totally yours. As long as you are looking after you and working your program you will be ok. Keep your head up and enjoy those grandkids. There is nothing like a childs laughter to keep you smiling. Hang in and hugs to you.
At least you know he is alive!! What a weight that must have been off your shoulders now matter what else is yet to come. And who really knows. That will be his decision to make. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or feels you should do. We are here to support you just as you are here for us. I know your words have helped me tremendously. In the end the decision is totally yours. As long as you are looking after you and working your program you will be ok. Keep your head up and enjoy those grandkids. There is nothing like a childs laughter to keep you smiling. Hang in and hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Blue Moon -
I am glad that your husband has been found alive. Since you have been through this a few other times with him you probably suspected that he was but it must have been a huge relief to actually know it.
The question you need to ask yourself is how much more are you willing to take? Only you can decide when enough is enough. No one else can do that for you. You may decide that periodically going through another disappearing act is something that you are willing to live with. When they fall into that bottle they don't care about anything or anyone else. He probably has given no thought to what his disappearing act has done to you. How many times have you had to change your life to accomodate his acts of total selfishness? Has he given any thought to the fact that you are now going to have to live in your son's basement? Just some food for thought for you. I see that you are attending f2f AA meetings. With as busy as you are right now, how about substituting Alanon for AA until things are a little calmer and you have time for them both. Maybe Alanon meetings would help you through what is going on in your life better than the AA meetings.
I wish you nothing but the best whatever you decide to do.
Hugs, Jo
I am glad that your husband has been found alive. Since you have been through this a few other times with him you probably suspected that he was but it must have been a huge relief to actually know it.
The question you need to ask yourself is how much more are you willing to take? Only you can decide when enough is enough. No one else can do that for you. You may decide that periodically going through another disappearing act is something that you are willing to live with. When they fall into that bottle they don't care about anything or anyone else. He probably has given no thought to what his disappearing act has done to you. How many times have you had to change your life to accomodate his acts of total selfishness? Has he given any thought to the fact that you are now going to have to live in your son's basement? Just some food for thought for you. I see that you are attending f2f AA meetings. With as busy as you are right now, how about substituting Alanon for AA until things are a little calmer and you have time for them both. Maybe Alanon meetings would help you through what is going on in your life better than the AA meetings.
I wish you nothing but the best whatever you decide to do.
Hugs, Jo
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
(((((((((bLUEMOON))))))))))
Glad you are staying sober through this. You seem to have a good attitude, there is a lot of serenity in your posts despite the stress and strain you've been under.
And you are right, your husband is in the throes of his disease.
Ngaire
Glad you are staying sober through this. You seem to have a good attitude, there is a lot of serenity in your posts despite the stress and strain you've been under.
And you are right, your husband is in the throes of his disease.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Reaching for the Rainbow
Posts: 45
Honey, I am sorry if it seemed I was beating up on you. :sigh: Believe me, I have been where you are. Many, many many times. And Lady, I could tell you stories of how I've waited on my AW to sober up. How many time she's just up and left, took furniture and everything, and I woke up in an empty house!
Yeah, I can tell you how an 180 pound man, could be so afraid of a 120 pound woman, and sleep with one eye open, not knowing what she might do in the middle of the night, not remembering what she was mad about in the first place, but has to get up one more time, to yell at me, and tell me about it.
Oh yeah, she's come back time and time again, and I accepted her, because I love her. And she loves me so much, that the next few days, after the 'honeymoon" phase of the return wears off, it's back to more ********! More yelling and name calling! But they love us right?
I am not angry at you (maybe for not seeing what's going on), but I don't want you to do anything, that you don't want to. I just want you to be HAPPY, and aware that if you keep on doing what you keep on doing, you're going to keep on getting, what you keep on getting.
We don't know how sick we've become sometimes, when we live with this sickness, everyday. It's makes up crazy too. I just don't want you to have to deal with anymore unnecessary pain.
Take it easy. Follow your heart. But mostly, take care of you and the children.
And sooner or later, you have to ask yourself, "How many times, must I go through this?"
Yeah, I can tell you how an 180 pound man, could be so afraid of a 120 pound woman, and sleep with one eye open, not knowing what she might do in the middle of the night, not remembering what she was mad about in the first place, but has to get up one more time, to yell at me, and tell me about it.
Oh yeah, she's come back time and time again, and I accepted her, because I love her. And she loves me so much, that the next few days, after the 'honeymoon" phase of the return wears off, it's back to more ********! More yelling and name calling! But they love us right?
I am not angry at you (maybe for not seeing what's going on), but I don't want you to do anything, that you don't want to. I just want you to be HAPPY, and aware that if you keep on doing what you keep on doing, you're going to keep on getting, what you keep on getting.
We don't know how sick we've become sometimes, when we live with this sickness, everyday. It's makes up crazy too. I just don't want you to have to deal with anymore unnecessary pain.
Take it easy. Follow your heart. But mostly, take care of you and the children.
And sooner or later, you have to ask yourself, "How many times, must I go through this?"
once in a . . .
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
"How much more am I willing to take?"
That's a good question.
I have absolutely NO idea.
I'm pretty darned sure that "what he's done to me" is one of the bigger sticks he's using to beat himself up with. Along with the other big sticks:
"what he's doing to his step-son - again"
"what he's doing to his g-daughters"
"what he's doing to their mom - my son's wife"
ETC ETC ETC - ya know?
AA is where I really began my recovery. Right now, in the midst of all this chaos, it's just plain EASIER to go there. Til the move is done, I just want to do ONE thing that's *easy*. {sad smile} - And - goodness knows *I* need to stay sober right now!
I know at some point before this is done (no matter HOW it ends) - at some point, he will 'cheerfully' be asking me to come to Parnell and move in with him. NO thank you - I LIKE being sober!
But y'all remind me that BLUE NEEDS A F2F AL-ANON MTG!!! after the 1st of the month ok??
My favorite fantasy is still to WAKE UP and find out I was having a nightmare, that we're still snuggled up in bed napping.
{heavy sigh}
I'm rather long-winded and self-absorbed today.
Blue
That's a good question.
I have absolutely NO idea.
I'm pretty darned sure that "what he's done to me" is one of the bigger sticks he's using to beat himself up with. Along with the other big sticks:
"what he's doing to his step-son - again"
"what he's doing to his g-daughters"
"what he's doing to their mom - my son's wife"
ETC ETC ETC - ya know?
AA is where I really began my recovery. Right now, in the midst of all this chaos, it's just plain EASIER to go there. Til the move is done, I just want to do ONE thing that's *easy*. {sad smile} - And - goodness knows *I* need to stay sober right now!
I know at some point before this is done (no matter HOW it ends) - at some point, he will 'cheerfully' be asking me to come to Parnell and move in with him. NO thank you - I LIKE being sober!
But y'all remind me that BLUE NEEDS A F2F AL-ANON MTG!!! after the 1st of the month ok??
My favorite fantasy is still to WAKE UP and find out I was having a nightmare, that we're still snuggled up in bed napping.
{heavy sigh}
I'm rather long-winded and self-absorbed today.
Blue
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Bluemoon
I think you are handling this well, and I am also glad that he is alive. I know with my son I often thought "I'll start with alive and go from there." And I too reached the point where a sadness for him replace any anger I had. I think recovery does that for us, it replaces anger and resentments with sadness and regrets and more than a little compassion.
Venting here is healthy and I can tell that as much as the "evil" thoughts can tap you on the shoulder, your actions are positive and are looking after you and your children.
Just keep living one day at a time and look for the beauty that may be clouded by sadness.
Sending prayers for all of you.
Hugs
Ann
I think you are handling this well, and I am also glad that he is alive. I know with my son I often thought "I'll start with alive and go from there." And I too reached the point where a sadness for him replace any anger I had. I think recovery does that for us, it replaces anger and resentments with sadness and regrets and more than a little compassion.
Venting here is healthy and I can tell that as much as the "evil" thoughts can tap you on the shoulder, your actions are positive and are looking after you and your children.
Just keep living one day at a time and look for the beauty that may be clouded by sadness.
Sending prayers for all of you.
Hugs
Ann
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Bluemoon glad to hear he is still alive.
Your emotions, revenge in thought would be natural release.
Just saying all the things I would want to say *LOL*
May you rest well tonight and sleep with the comfort of a baby under a nice soft blanket.
First of the month? How about looking now for a meeting? You know how well they work. First of the month could be meeting 2. (just my thought here)
Day at a time and think it through the steps. You know how well the steps work also.
God bless you
Your emotions, revenge in thought would be natural release.
Just saying all the things I would want to say *LOL*
May you rest well tonight and sleep with the comfort of a baby under a nice soft blanket.
First of the month? How about looking now for a meeting? You know how well they work. First of the month could be meeting 2. (just my thought here)
Day at a time and think it through the steps. You know how well the steps work also.
God bless you
once in a . . .
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
Lost -
Thank you. I DO understand what you're saying, what your point is, what your intentions are - - - etc.
And I've BEEN that 120 hellion in other relationships. You do well to be afraid.
It's for THAT reason that the boundary between AH + me has always been "Don't Come Home Drunk".
The times that I've seen him drunk are very very few. They've lasted only as long as it took me to 'convince' him it'd be in his best interest to LEAVE NOW. Or until the police arrived.
Also in the past - as soon as I realized he was out on a drunk, I'd change the locks. I'm quite the locksmith! When he came back, it was SOBER and then we'd discuss 'what's going to be different this time?' - whether or not there was as "Us" any more.
When he is sober and we are together, we are one of those disgustingly happy couples. We talk, we disagree, but we don't yell + fight. When he's drinking, we are not together.
"How many times, must I go through this?"
I don't know.
I won't know until I get there.
All I know is that *Today, I Believe*.
That's all I HAVE to know.
All I have is today.
I am taking care of ME.
I am taking care of my g-girls. They truly are the bright spot in my life and a blessing.
I haven't figured out how to take care of my son yet - maybe just by taking care of me so he doesn't have to.
Blue
Thank you. I DO understand what you're saying, what your point is, what your intentions are - - - etc.
And I've BEEN that 120 hellion in other relationships. You do well to be afraid.
It's for THAT reason that the boundary between AH + me has always been "Don't Come Home Drunk".
The times that I've seen him drunk are very very few. They've lasted only as long as it took me to 'convince' him it'd be in his best interest to LEAVE NOW. Or until the police arrived.
Also in the past - as soon as I realized he was out on a drunk, I'd change the locks. I'm quite the locksmith! When he came back, it was SOBER and then we'd discuss 'what's going to be different this time?' - whether or not there was as "Us" any more.
When he is sober and we are together, we are one of those disgustingly happy couples. We talk, we disagree, but we don't yell + fight. When he's drinking, we are not together.
"How many times, must I go through this?"
I don't know.
I won't know until I get there.
All I know is that *Today, I Believe*.
That's all I HAVE to know.
All I have is today.
I am taking care of ME.
I am taking care of my g-girls. They truly are the bright spot in my life and a blessing.
I haven't figured out how to take care of my son yet - maybe just by taking care of me so he doesn't have to.
Blue
Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: houston, tx
Posts: 323
Blue Moon -It is certainly up to you how much stress you are willinng to let this man put you through. You have to weight the good with the bad. now this is my opionion only. but this is not just the alcohism doing this. You husband has something else askew in his makeup that he would not at least let you know that he is alive. He must have some lucid moments. His relatives knew where he is. Frankly I think he is subjecting you to vile emotional abuse. even being sick is not an excuse for this. This is something a teenager would do.I think lost dream was not being mean- just wanted you to see it as it really is . hugs dax
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
Maybe my AH was right. Maybe I am a b_tch.
I read this thread and am amazed at how happy you are to learn he is alive and that he was just treating you and the kids like sh_t by not contacting you, rather than his being seriously injured or killed.
The weeks before I asked my AH to move out I would lie in my bed on those loooooonnnnng nights when he wouldn't call or come home, and I'd say softly...
"please, lord, this time, if it's DUI just make it DOA."
I guess I had really had enough, huh?
I read this thread and am amazed at how happy you are to learn he is alive and that he was just treating you and the kids like sh_t by not contacting you, rather than his being seriously injured or killed.
The weeks before I asked my AH to move out I would lie in my bed on those loooooonnnnng nights when he wouldn't call or come home, and I'd say softly...
"please, lord, this time, if it's DUI just make it DOA."
I guess I had really had enough, huh?
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