sheerExcellence

It's been 106 days since I have had a cigarette, drink, weed, or a line of cocaine. I quit them all on November 3rd. I woke up on the 4th and said enough is enough. I don't have any intention on relapsing so this post isn't about that.

I guess it's just that I really don't even know who I am. I am 35 years old, I still have a roommate and I barely have any money in the bank. I ran a 5k in 28:30 today and I am so happy because 3 months ago i could barely run for ten minutes straight without passing out on the treadmill.

I love being sober. I love being able to breathe. I love to see birds flying. I love to hang out with my 12 year old nephew.


I don't know what i want to say. I am all over the place mentally. I have been having stress at work. My mom is going to have heart surgery. There is just a lot going on right now and I really don't have anyone to talk to about all that I am going through. No one really knows the extent of the addiction that I had. I can't open up to anyone because, well, to be honest i don't know if they would even believe me.

I come here and read as many posts as i can each day. All of you guys have helped me.
When I think back to my nights of doing lines and getting drunk and walking around the streets of nyc at 4am...it makes me cry. i feel like a different person.

however, i have never been free of all poisons for this long before. seriously. i had my first drink when i was 15. From that day until nov 4th, 2013, i had never gone this long without a drink, a smoke, some pot, or cocaine. 15!!!! I have never been this sober since i was a ******* teenager.

That is absurd. I don't know who or what I am. I don't know what I believe. I just know that i am sober and i love it. People at work call me the mayor because I am so nice and chatty with everyone. I look at the bright side of things and try to find the good in as many people as i can. I started donating to unicef because of alyssa milano's commercial, i cant stop giving away money even though i dont have any. I give money to the homeless now, i can't believe i used to spend all this money on drugs. i can help so many people.

but i am single and in many ways feel like a little kid. a lot of guys at work like me now. i can tell because of the weight ive lost and the sober gleam in my eye, but i dunno.

i'm just scared. Im very scared. I am not going to relapse. I just feel alone right now.


whoever read this. thank you.

FeelingGreat

Wow SE, what you've done is awesome, and the fact that it came out of the blue like that is even more so.
If you started self-medicating at 15, it's not surprising your emotions are all over the shop. You may have missed out on a lot of normal maturing processes, but better late than never….
I agree about SR; I think the support and education here has kept me sober. No wonder you're scared facing real life for the first time; I'd really urge you to seek some counselling with the spare dollars, so that you can process your fears out loud to a professional. It can be a huge help.
One the plus side you sound socially skilled which is not true of all of us

oak

Congrats on 106 days! I'm impressed by the 5k (and inspired because I just started running recently). I think it is fairly common for people to get sober and then be faced with painful emotions (which is what they were suppressing when they were using). But I know it can be scary and painful. I hope it gets easier very soon.

If you are at all interested in therapy, many cities have low-fee agencies, where you can get fairly inexpensive therapy.