Jimcarrey92

I'm a very broken up individual I don't derive pleasure out of life. I'm too consumed by my grief of my father and my sick mother to stop drinking. I would not wish the pain of loss on my worst enemy, I think it's horrible to have to work so hard for a smile or a laugh, I feel so sad and since I want to become an actor I understand all of those material things like women, money, cars, Any type of full life that doesn't include my father who enjoyed my acting, the fact that he can't see it , and see me at my best when I break into a comedy movie someday, is devastating , I'm at the verge of tears a lot and he saw my greatest off broadway performances because he would never miss even one show I did but he will miss a lot and I'm sad this type of sadness is horrible my once great sense of humor is always thrown off course by this depression and my mother isn't in the best of health either I just hate my life right now it ******* sucks and I'm miserable tell me who the hell is gonna give a **** about my acting career like my dad did, NOBODY that's who

ScottFromWI

I wish you the best of luck in getting some help Jim. All I can say is that none of your other problems are going to get better ( your grief, your career, etc ) until you stop drinking. In all likelihood it is making your problems worse.

Have you considered seeing an alcohol/drug counselor or even your GP doctor to get some assistance? I think you might benefit from it.

DoubleBarrel

I can relate to your feelings.

Amazingly, things were much more overwhelming to me when I was drinking. Depression was worse, anxiety was worse, my grief seemed overwhelming. Even physical pain was worse.

Of course it was. I was taking all my problems, and consuming poison, thinking that it would improve matters.

Trust me, taking a central nervous depressant is not helpful if you are depressed.

That being said, it sounds like you are quite talented. There is a great many recovering people in the arts. It doesn't seem like it when you are using, but they are there.

Best to you.

2muchpain

Jimcarrey,

So your actor. I've always been impressed by people that do that kind of work. Sorry to hear about your father and mother. Have you considered therapy to help you work on your grief?
I lost my mother a while back, and it took me several years to be able to get passed. She was my best friend. Wish you all the best.

ReadyAndAble

Very sorry to hear that. I lost my dad in November. It's rough all right. But I tell this: it was a lot easier without drinking. I've tried to drink away hard times before, telling myself that it numbed the pain, but it didn't really. Just the opposite. Something about alcohol, it always exaggerated the pain, stretched it out. After my divorce, I wallowed in the pain, even romanticized it in a weird way. I began to view myself as this tragic figure. It's like the addiction fed on the pain, nurtured it, and then used the pain as a rationale to drink more.

When my dad died, I had already quit, there was no ducking the pain. But at least it was genuine emotion, and for the right reasons. Some things are supposed to hurt, you know? I was able to take comfort in the fact that I was staying true to myself, and was able to be there for my mom. And I thought about my dad's life, and how fortunate I was to have had him as my father, and also how best to carry on his legacy. And in that way I was able to move forward.

I am very sorry for your loss. I'm sure your father would be proud of the fact that you're reaching out, rather than giving up.

Zencat

Keep typing out your emotions, this helps let the turmoil lessen. SR members are committing to be helpful. I care about your well being. Recommit to sobriety and keep seeking solutions to the distressful times your experiencing.

KateL

Push forward with your acting and then, we, the world will get to see it Make your dad proud xxxxxxx

least

I'm sorry for your loss and feeling so low but drinking won't make it any better. I hope you can stop drinking and get a good look at how great a sober life can be.

Dee74

Hi Jim


sorry to hear you drank, but this is not the end of the show, it's just the end of Act One

I know you said you've had some counselling, but when grief is impacting your life to this extent, I think you need some more help.

I know you started drinking to deal with the grief, but I think it's a separate problem now...dealing with just the grief, or just the drinking, won;t be enough - you'll need to tackle both.

Have you considered face to face support for your alcoholism too?

D

Jimcarrey92

Well I think the best news of today is that I realized alcohol is not my friend. It didn't help me, and luckily I only had 3 24 ounce cans of Coors. Is it disappointing YES, especially after going 14 days, yeah even with the once a week grief counseling, there are very horrible empty feelings and it's always accompanied by a positive thing that happens in my life, such as a successful moment in an acting class that I recently experienced. There are obviously a lot of things about what happened that anger me. But I swear to God that's not how I want to be, at the end of the day I'm an advocate for enjoying life and being happy. This post was an angry one and I'm very frustrated that it's so hard to be happy, even though I've been given the tools in therapy there are days when the grief prevents me from making an effort, and it's downright exhausting sometimes to have to deal with sadness, and the anger also comes from me having to see my dad get sick, why did I have to be there when he showed that cup of blood to my grandmother? Why should I have to see my parent suffer at age 18? Things can get pretty dark and lonely for me at times. It doesn't seem fair, and the reason I isolate is because nobody will understand me. And thank God I realized that alcohol is no good for me, I don't want to do it anymore, and it causes more problems than it solves, I now am a little bit worried about the results of the liver scan I will take in march, maybe I shortened my life, I have a lot to live for, I hope I get another chance, not that I deserve one.

Jimcarrey92

I really don't want to be angry, or an alcoholic and it am sorry for my bad choices, I really want to come out of this mess a happy and grateful person, I'm pursuing acting because I enjoy entertaining people and affecting their lives in a positive way with my sense of humor, I'm definitely not in this game to isolate and be sad, I hit bottom today and want to be a better person.

MythOfSisyphus

It sucks that you're hurting, Jimcarrey92. My dad passed away just over two years ago and it has left a hole in my heart that nothing will ever fill. It becomes less acute every month, less a stabbing and more of an ache.

I will say though that I never had a problem in my life that truly improved by drinking on it. Sadly it took me 25 years of hard drinking to really understand that, though.

LadyBlue0527

Hi Jimcarrey92,

I remember responding to another one of your posts. Losing a parent is so hard especially at a young age. I'm sorry that you have to feel this pain.

It sounds like you're focused on what it is that you want to do in life and your dad was a great supporter of that. That focus can help you fill your time with efforts that are going to help you stay sober. You have to be wary though. Addiction is powerful and I hope that you can see and understand what it is that I'm about to say because I'm hoping that it will help you to hate alcohol. To see it for what it is.

If I'm reading what you said below correctly you had something very positive going on:

The AV will take every positive experience that you have and quickly suck the wind right out of it. It will do it's best to flood your mind with negativity when something good happens. You are attending grief counseling and you had something very positive happen. However, those horrible empty feelings, although there because of the loss of your dad, will be increased tenfold by the addiction because it will then give you the reason to drink. It will destroy all and any chances that you have to succeed by doing that.

You have your whole life ahead of you and you're in a prime location to pursue your dreams. Don't let this beast take this away from you, and it will. You can do this. See the AV for what it is. Come here and post when you're feeling this way and get the support that you need. Again, you CAN do this.

You said it yourself:

Yes you do, remember those words because you spoke them. That and don't forget us little people when you make it big.

Jimcarrey92

Nobody hates feeling this way more than me, and thank you all for putting up with my post of anger and I will post weekly 7 days, 14 days and so on, I want to turn things around, it's just when you're grieving it's like eating food with no sense of taste, life is just kind of there and it's not pleasurable, I'm a better person than my drinking reflects I don't want it no more

ChrissieB

I found it moving reading your posts Jim, stick with it! There is a thread on this site where you sign in committing to 24 hours sobriety. It helps me stay accountable. Wishing you every success x

LadyBlue0527

Putting up with you? Hardly ! There's a lot of care and concern for you. This is the best place I've found for venting when needed and when I needed someone to stick their hand down the dark hole I was sitting in and pull me out. It's what it's all about Jimcarrey!

Now, turn that "I want to turn things around" into "I'm turning things around".

You CAN do this

ReadyAndAble

I'm trying to remember someone who first arrived at SR in a good mood.

Seriously, this is how it starts—depressed, scared, angry, conflicted. So believe it or not, you're in exactly the right place to begin.

Oh yeah, you will. I mean it's still life—there are still ups and downs, good days and bad days. Shlt still happens, but at least now I'm not going out of my way to make it happen, and that's actually a huge consolation. And while happiness is a slippery thing, gratitude is right there, waiting to be picked up any time you want. You can start right now, in fact. You're nipping this in the bud at such a young age. You're on your way. And you never, ever have to drink again. How cool is that?

Jimcarrey92

Today is just one of those days where life in general sucks, I've been trying to network to meet producers because I have no professional experience yet with acting, I just did plays and it's very hard to get people to want to see what you're made of, those stupid casting websites are a waste of time because no casting director gives a crap about your resume if you were never on a professional set before, and I'm trying to find casting offices to intern for but so far the few of them I visited didn't need anybody, I know I gotta have patience but I'm so eager to get my foot in the door but it's hard, it's just difficult to be happy right now nothing is going my way and life is a little drab right now nothing to look forward to

Carlotta

This is a very difficult industry to break into. I have an old friend who is a successful character and theater actor. We met when we were both in our early twenties and it took him over two decades to be able to make a comfortable living of his art.
He has not achieved fame (although you probably saw him on tv and in movies) but he is a working actor. Many want to be, very few are.
He was disciplined, perseverant and also lucky (and working a regular job to pay the bills too LOL). Many people end up moving on to something else.
Do not make your sobriety contingent upon your success and also, if you have issues handling rejection and it's a trigger for you this might not be a good field to be at right now.
With acting, there is also a very frustrating merry go round where you cannot get a part if you are not in the union and you cannot get in the union unless you are working. Could be frustrating for someone in early sobriety.
Anyway, hang in there and don't drink over it.

Jimcarrey92

Thanks, I think it's more of a habit of mine to be results oriented and I'm trying to break it, my acting teacher even said all I have to do is have patience with myself and I'll be fine. Since it's a passion of mine I have to see the positives and not the negatives so that's where I'm at now, it's my whole situation too, I'm also trying to find a steady job to support my acting career, it's been too crappy out to hang out with my friends either it's just everything is pretty dull, I think I just have a case of situational depression, pretty much it's either that or the grief, I'm just glad I decided to quit drinking, and the weird thing is I can hate drinking for weeks then bam I'll get the triggers which is everything I mentioned, but my goal is to be stronger than the urges