Lovenjoy

Yeah. So a few really good days, really good. Son's medical condition better, he's clean (recovery looks like recovery), I'm working my program, grand baby's here, family time, good talks.

So….. he walks to the store, takes too long, comes back - into room, locks door.

This is not a merry go round I am willing to ride anymore. Don't know, say something don't say anything? Not the time to get into it 'cause his daughter is here, goes to mom's tomorrow. She is acting out and troubled from both mom and dad's addict behaviors. I know he's counting on me not being willing to upset her.

I told him, 'going for a walk and then locking yourself in your room doesn't look good to me.' No reaction from him.

Did my morning readings and came here to SR.

lizwig

I'm sorry lovenjoy, so discouraging.

GardenMama

Yes, so incredibly frustrating. I think it was good for you to say something, even if you didn't get a response. You can say your peace without it harming your grandbaby's well being. I will be thinking of you & sending strength.

Lovenjoy

thanks lizwig.

So now he wants to pick a fight. When he was obviously clean my being suspicious was met with a calm 'I'm good mom'. Today it's a surly 'what's your problem?'

First time I didn't respond. So he came into the next room and repeated the question. Told him again it didn't look good. 'What, going into my room to change?' No, taking too long on walk, taking too long in room. Told him it is not a merry go round I'm willing to ride anymore. 'what, what… got stuff with 50 cents?, so I've been doing whole time?' Told him no it's more back an forth, back an forth.

He tried to ramp it up and I just told him not the time. Had to repeat myself before he dropped it.

Am being outwardly calm, which is progress. Inside is real turmoil. Am working on that…..

He has court case coming up, probably looking at a small time in prison. That really hurts to say. Talking with him yesterday and told him if it wasn't for his daughter I wouldn't… couldn't find words. He said you wouldn't care. I said no I'd care but….. consequences. He got it.

The little one. When I think about ultimatums for him I have to consider her. But he is counting on that so when we talk tomorrow, and we will talk, I am thinking of telling him that her well being is something I am praying hard about but I haven't created this and if she stops seeing him now instead of in a few months I'm starting to think I have to accept that.

Which means the small pocket of stability in her life will be gone.

After I wrote that last sentence she came in to 'snuggle bun' with me and tell me she loves me and talk… we talk.

Lovenjoy

I don't know how he can't see the difference. Yesterday, good day, he was happy, playful, patient, finding good stuff in the day. Today he's surly, impatient, unhappy, scowling….. He has told me in the past it doesn't change him. Take videos!!??

Of course I'm sure he believes his bad mood is my fault 'cause I'm calling him on it.

Am praying he doesn't like how he feels right now. Is that even possible?

Am letting it go now, I don't have to feel crappy just because he does. Right?

GardenMama

I think you did a great job remaining calm...it is SO hard to do sometimes! And my heart breaks for you and your granddaughter. And your son...goes without saying.

When my AD left rehab, I learned about something called Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) that effects their moods for a long time, even when not using. I am sure there are things here on SR about it.

Keep snuggling that little one!

GM

Lovenjoy

Thanks for the words of support.

I actually just came across PAWS and from what I read it appears his counselor is on top of that with med treatment. Do you think today's behavior could be that?

I actually don't but thinking about that and going to a meeting and praying and reading here - I have been reconsidering taking an extreme tone when I do talk to him about today's behaviors/suspicions.

He is in early recovery and I have been reading here that it is a fragile time. He started recovery in mid summer and had a good solid 6 months of doing well. Was approaching diving back into life, get job, long term goals, etc. It wasn't until surgery that he started having problems - doctor prescribed opiates. Today is the first time I thought he was getting illegal opiates. It is mainly that I can see his AV is getting strong again.

I think my new attitude is a wake up call. Or just hopeful? He did meeting yesterday and plans on one tomorrow.

I do plan on talking to him but am less sure how to approach. Thoughts? Language that has worked for others?

joey8262

don't take his going to meetings as a victory, as with many addicts-they will do whatever you want them to do, and say what you want to hear-be as cynical as you can without being too blatant about it.

LoveMeNow

I can only share from my own experience with my husband. He broke his arm, had surgery, and was given pain meds. The pilot light was relit.

Similarly, I quit smoking for a year, had one and was back buying a pack within a week. I know it's different but any and all addiction are just that powerful.

Watch his actions, his words are meaningless at this point. Don't be fooled by meetings like so many of us are. I am not saying meetings don't help but they only help those who truly need and want them too.

BlueChair

My husband has paws. Dont see very many family members talk about it, but its been rough on both of us. A lot of anxiety, he forgets things where he puts things, gets anxious and frustrated looking, moody, not sleeping well, meaning I wasnt sleeping well. He has stomach problems and the stress and anxiety were making it worse and he was becoming physically ill. This was while on medication. The doctor changed it again, and some of the medications change behavior also. From what Ive seen, its not easy to deal with and can leave them exhausted. I dont know if thats what you see, but sometimes behavior can be explained if you understand whats going on to cause it. I hope everyone feels better soon.

Lovenjoy

I decided not to 'have a talk' today as I really said all that needs saying yesterday. I feel good about this decision, putting my energy into his addiction is not something I'm ok with anymore. He is beginning to see the detaching I'm doing. He'll take it where he takes it.

My focus is living a better life and I think he is seeing if he interferes with that then we have a problem!

GardenMama

A great, healthy plan! I hope you have a peaceful day.