Should adult child disown parents? (LONG)
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Should adult child disown parents? (LONG)
I’m sorry this is so long, but I’ve been lurking on the site since I googled “cutting off alcoholic family” and decided perhaps it would be healthy for me to vent. As I read the threads here, I find myself saying “yes, yes, and yes!” So I figured I could find some people here who could empathize. So, here goes…(I broke into 3 parts for ease of reading)…
(Part 1) Some background. My father was physically, verbally, emotionally, psychologically abusive growing up. He’s chilled out quite a bit with age, and my mother tells me how he cries to her about how he doesn’t have a relationship with me. In the past 10 years, things have been more cordial between he and I. But I’ve never been able to look him in the eyes. My mother I were close when I was younger, but she has always been manipulative, passive-aggressive, a perpetual martyr and victim. I think a lot of her traits I was not able to really clearly see until I was an adult. She (nor my father) have any concept of boundaries. As even a young girl, my mother would come to me with problems she was having with my dad, and would even talk about their sex life with me (these are no conversations any young girl should have to endure). Whenever my father would beat me, she would come into my room and give me money (I can only assume as an attempt to buy back my affections…and also to keep me on her side). Picking sides was a big thing growing up. My sister with my dad, and me with my mom.
I can’t say their drinking has always been a problem, although I have memories of my mother sneaking me sips of her beer when I was 4 and 5 years old. In fact, I don’t think she *really* even started drinking until the past 10 years or so. Her drinking picked up after she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She’s been in remission over 6 years.
There was always chaos in our household, and I responded by rebelling myself, with hard drugs and partying. I can’t say I was an easy child (which my parents are fond of constantly reminding me of how difficult I have always been, even as a baby). Even as a young child, they would joke about selling me to gypsies, or about how I was “switched at birth” and didn’t belong to them, or how I was the result of a “curse.” I was the “problem child.” My sister stayed under the radar. To this day, she craves their constant approval. Which she gets…because she passively complies with everything they say and do. Me and her have a decent relationship. One time, I mentioned to her “well, at least you didn’t get your ass beat constantly,” and she responded by saying “well at least they paid attention to you!” And went on to say how she was always jealous of me. Jealous of getting beat? I would have loved to have been ignored by them (I know they say emotional neglect is as damaging…but still). This made me angry and very sad for her at the same time. That pretty much sums that up.
(Part 1) Some background. My father was physically, verbally, emotionally, psychologically abusive growing up. He’s chilled out quite a bit with age, and my mother tells me how he cries to her about how he doesn’t have a relationship with me. In the past 10 years, things have been more cordial between he and I. But I’ve never been able to look him in the eyes. My mother I were close when I was younger, but she has always been manipulative, passive-aggressive, a perpetual martyr and victim. I think a lot of her traits I was not able to really clearly see until I was an adult. She (nor my father) have any concept of boundaries. As even a young girl, my mother would come to me with problems she was having with my dad, and would even talk about their sex life with me (these are no conversations any young girl should have to endure). Whenever my father would beat me, she would come into my room and give me money (I can only assume as an attempt to buy back my affections…and also to keep me on her side). Picking sides was a big thing growing up. My sister with my dad, and me with my mom.
I can’t say their drinking has always been a problem, although I have memories of my mother sneaking me sips of her beer when I was 4 and 5 years old. In fact, I don’t think she *really* even started drinking until the past 10 years or so. Her drinking picked up after she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She’s been in remission over 6 years.
There was always chaos in our household, and I responded by rebelling myself, with hard drugs and partying. I can’t say I was an easy child (which my parents are fond of constantly reminding me of how difficult I have always been, even as a baby). Even as a young child, they would joke about selling me to gypsies, or about how I was “switched at birth” and didn’t belong to them, or how I was the result of a “curse.” I was the “problem child.” My sister stayed under the radar. To this day, she craves their constant approval. Which she gets…because she passively complies with everything they say and do. Me and her have a decent relationship. One time, I mentioned to her “well, at least you didn’t get your ass beat constantly,” and she responded by saying “well at least they paid attention to you!” And went on to say how she was always jealous of me. Jealous of getting beat? I would have loved to have been ignored by them (I know they say emotional neglect is as damaging…but still). This made me angry and very sad for her at the same time. That pretty much sums that up.
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(Part 2) Jump ahead. This is not about anger issues regarding the past. I’ve gone through years of therapy to work that all out. I just thought context was important. My issue here is CURRENT behaviors they continue to engage in. Most recently, my mother and her constant enmeshment issues with me, constant crossing boundaries, attempts to triangulate me with her and my father. And her constant drunk calling and texting. In the past 5 years, I have begun establishing hard boundaries with her (don’t involve me in your fights with dad, don’t call me when you’re drunk, don’t leave nasty drunken messages on my voicemail, no more passive-aggressive tantrums, attempts at emotional blackmail, threats, etc.). It usually always ends with her saying “you’ll be sorry when I’m dead.” I’ve given her warning after warning, telling her I would stop all communication with her if it didn’t stop. Then she continues to emotionally blackmail, reminding me of all the things she has done for me, threatening to disinherit me. Then she starts drunk-texting my husband, talking trash about me. Ugh…I could go on…
I’ve begged her to get therapy. But she’s not “one of those people” who goes to a therapist. Then she tells me she’s on antidepressants prescribed by her PCP (she says this to pacify me), but still refuses to go to a therapist. I tell her she shouldn’t be drinking while on antidepressants, or while on the sleeping pills she’s addicted to that she takes every night. Then she tells me how “disrespectful” I am to her, and how dare I treat her like that when she has cancer (did I mention she’s been in remission for over 6 years?) It infuriates me to no end when she uses what was a legitimate illness as a means of guilt, blackmail, self-pity and manipulation.
My father is a functional, Type A personality, alcoholic. Because he can handle his drinking better, he does not see a problem, and he refuses to acknowledge my mother’s problem, because it would mean he would have to do something about it and give up his lifestyle. He has a picture in his head of what alcoholism looks like…a drunk hobo on the street, a person who drinks hard liquor every day, or someone so physically dependent, they will drink hairspray, mouthwash, or cleaning products to get their fix. They are too bourgeois for that (or so they think). They usually go through about 3 bottles of wine a night during the week, but on special occasions (i.e., the weekends), I have seen my mother, at 115 lbs., down anywhere from 8 to 10 glasses. She’s experiencing short-term memory loss (which she blames on her chemo 6 years ago…although, if her chemo had anything to do with it, it was probably more due to the fact that she drank so much while she was on chemo). I attribute her short-term memory loss to her ongoing drinking. And of course, because she cannot be honest with her doctors, they can’t seem to figure out what is wrong with her “brain.” She also just lost her job of 20 years, but won’t tell anyone why, other than it was “out of the blue”…they just walked into her office and told her to leave that day, with no explanation. Uh, ok.
I’ve begged her to get therapy. But she’s not “one of those people” who goes to a therapist. Then she tells me she’s on antidepressants prescribed by her PCP (she says this to pacify me), but still refuses to go to a therapist. I tell her she shouldn’t be drinking while on antidepressants, or while on the sleeping pills she’s addicted to that she takes every night. Then she tells me how “disrespectful” I am to her, and how dare I treat her like that when she has cancer (did I mention she’s been in remission for over 6 years?) It infuriates me to no end when she uses what was a legitimate illness as a means of guilt, blackmail, self-pity and manipulation.
My father is a functional, Type A personality, alcoholic. Because he can handle his drinking better, he does not see a problem, and he refuses to acknowledge my mother’s problem, because it would mean he would have to do something about it and give up his lifestyle. He has a picture in his head of what alcoholism looks like…a drunk hobo on the street, a person who drinks hard liquor every day, or someone so physically dependent, they will drink hairspray, mouthwash, or cleaning products to get their fix. They are too bourgeois for that (or so they think). They usually go through about 3 bottles of wine a night during the week, but on special occasions (i.e., the weekends), I have seen my mother, at 115 lbs., down anywhere from 8 to 10 glasses. She’s experiencing short-term memory loss (which she blames on her chemo 6 years ago…although, if her chemo had anything to do with it, it was probably more due to the fact that she drank so much while she was on chemo). I attribute her short-term memory loss to her ongoing drinking. And of course, because she cannot be honest with her doctors, they can’t seem to figure out what is wrong with her “brain.” She also just lost her job of 20 years, but won’t tell anyone why, other than it was “out of the blue”…they just walked into her office and told her to leave that day, with no explanation. Uh, ok.
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(Part 3) Current story. I am happily married to the most fantastic, well-adjusted man on this planet, we have a 20-month old child. I got my Ph.D. Things couldn’t be better…except their continued sucking me into their drama and chaos. I dread the thought of their toxic personalities creeping into my son’s life. I haven’t spoken to my mother since xmas. She continues to drunk text and call.
My father texted me last week telling me I needed to call her, because she thinks I want her out of my life….I explained I just didn’t want to talk to her when she’s drunk. He went ballistic, telling me how selfish and ungrateful I am…all the things she has done for me (dragging up things she done for me 10 and 20 years ago). I responded with “is it really that hard for me not to talk to her when she’s drunk? If she chooses to drink rather than talk to us, that’s HER choice.” And I mentioned that I won’t continue to enable her.
He blasted me on my “shameful” comments, and how is it “enabling” her if I talk to her? And I need to show her unconditional love and accept her “warts and all.” I said it was very telling that he would characterize her drinking as “warts and all” because the implication is that she can’t control it! And that “warts and all” does not mean constant toleration of boundary crossing. And if her drinking is not a problem, then this should be a NON-issue. He talked about me being “high and mighty” and judging people from atop my mountain. Anyways…it went on and on. And I told him I’m no longer discussing it. He basically said, in usual condescending manner, that he hopes I am “proud of myself,” that I have anger issues (all the while, HE was the one yelling at me, while I was measured and calm), and then he sanctimoniously shouted “PHYSICIAN, HEAL THYSELF!!”
(Can I roll my eyes here?)
Ok. So, that’s the story. Sorry for the novel. Maybe no one will even read this, I dunno. I don’t know how I feel about them. Part of me feels totally cold and disconnected. I don’t know if I love them or not. But if I’m questioning that, I must love them, right?…because otherwise I wouldn’t care, would I?
And is it a bad thing to just cut it off and emotionally disconnect? Is it a bad thing to not love them? I know it’s a taboo to disown family…but I care more about the well-being of my son.
My father texted me last week telling me I needed to call her, because she thinks I want her out of my life….I explained I just didn’t want to talk to her when she’s drunk. He went ballistic, telling me how selfish and ungrateful I am…all the things she has done for me (dragging up things she done for me 10 and 20 years ago). I responded with “is it really that hard for me not to talk to her when she’s drunk? If she chooses to drink rather than talk to us, that’s HER choice.” And I mentioned that I won’t continue to enable her.
He blasted me on my “shameful” comments, and how is it “enabling” her if I talk to her? And I need to show her unconditional love and accept her “warts and all.” I said it was very telling that he would characterize her drinking as “warts and all” because the implication is that she can’t control it! And that “warts and all” does not mean constant toleration of boundary crossing. And if her drinking is not a problem, then this should be a NON-issue. He talked about me being “high and mighty” and judging people from atop my mountain. Anyways…it went on and on. And I told him I’m no longer discussing it. He basically said, in usual condescending manner, that he hopes I am “proud of myself,” that I have anger issues (all the while, HE was the one yelling at me, while I was measured and calm), and then he sanctimoniously shouted “PHYSICIAN, HEAL THYSELF!!”
(Can I roll my eyes here?)
Ok. So, that’s the story. Sorry for the novel. Maybe no one will even read this, I dunno. I don’t know how I feel about them. Part of me feels totally cold and disconnected. I don’t know if I love them or not. But if I’m questioning that, I must love them, right?…because otherwise I wouldn’t care, would I?
And is it a bad thing to just cut it off and emotionally disconnect? Is it a bad thing to not love them? I know it’s a taboo to disown family…but I care more about the well-being of my son.
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Welcome to SR, Returntosender.
I read it, and others will, too. Because we know this demon, and understand it, and we understand twisted, distorted family dynamics.
You will find good ears here, and support.
Welcome.
And...
When you have VALID REASONS to disengage from toxic or unhealthy people, you have every right to protect yourself and your family by choosing to do so.
You are free to give yourself permission to see reality the best way you are able, and to decide how to deal with it. Asking for places to bounce your perspectives and get opinions is a great sign of healthy coping.
No guilt trips coming from us, when you choose to dis-engage from toxicity!
CLMI
I read it, and others will, too. Because we know this demon, and understand it, and we understand twisted, distorted family dynamics.
You will find good ears here, and support.
Welcome.
And...
When you have VALID REASONS to disengage from toxic or unhealthy people, you have every right to protect yourself and your family by choosing to do so.
You are free to give yourself permission to see reality the best way you are able, and to decide how to deal with it. Asking for places to bounce your perspectives and get opinions is a great sign of healthy coping.
No guilt trips coming from us, when you choose to dis-engage from toxicity!
CLMI
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This has been a hard one for me, too, for a long time. My alcoholic father left us (mom and four kids) for another woman when I was very young. It deeply affected all of his children.
Fast forward 45 years...two of my sisters refuse communication with him, the third has almost completely cut him out of her life, and my contact is minimal. Sadly, he has been remorseful, apologetic, nostalgic, and trying to make amends for the past 10 years or so, but the cuts are deep. Not one of us cares, because it's too little, too late. We don't respect him or like who he is.
I feel guilt over it. Guilty that I don't care whether I have a relationship with my biological father. I know he's hurting now, and that makes me feel bad, too, but I can't fake a relationship with him.
Your situation sounds very different...you are still being abused verbally and emotionally. You have every reason/right to detach completely.
You question whether you love them or not. It's normal to care about our parents and desire a meaningful connection with them. You probably are still craving the kind of love and nurturing you have always deserved, but have never received. Maybe that's where your struggle is. Maybe that's what you really care about where they are concerned.
Fast forward 45 years...two of my sisters refuse communication with him, the third has almost completely cut him out of her life, and my contact is minimal. Sadly, he has been remorseful, apologetic, nostalgic, and trying to make amends for the past 10 years or so, but the cuts are deep. Not one of us cares, because it's too little, too late. We don't respect him or like who he is.
I feel guilt over it. Guilty that I don't care whether I have a relationship with my biological father. I know he's hurting now, and that makes me feel bad, too, but I can't fake a relationship with him.
Your situation sounds very different...you are still being abused verbally and emotionally. You have every reason/right to detach completely.
You question whether you love them or not. It's normal to care about our parents and desire a meaningful connection with them. You probably are still craving the kind of love and nurturing you have always deserved, but have never received. Maybe that's where your struggle is. Maybe that's what you really care about where they are concerned.
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Hi RTS, I read your posts with interest. For first posts I would say they are 'average' in length. When people in similar situation to yours find SR, they have a lot to say and they are always welcome to vent.
You sound like a level headed person, who is managing a difficult situation in a rational way. Please don't get tied up in whether you 'love' your parents. Our relationship with our parents is far more complicated than that, and setting boundaries is not a proof or otherwise of whether you love someone. Engaging with a drunk person does neither of you any good, especially not your mother. Your father is being not very subtle about putting guilt on you.
When my mother was younger and more vigorous she was really really good at passive aggressive manipulation and it took us 4 daughters a long time to come up with ways of dealing with it. She also had an alcohol problem which made her really nasty when under the influence. She absolutely refused to see councillors even when she was poisoning the atmosphere around her.
I don't have any special advice except to stand your ground. You might want to set up meetings with your mother when you know she isn't under the influence, say morning coffee, or lunch. But maintaining those boundaries about dealing with her when she's been drinking is so reasonable and necessary for your peace of mind. It's also good feedback for your mother, whether she likes it or not.
You sound like a level headed person, who is managing a difficult situation in a rational way. Please don't get tied up in whether you 'love' your parents. Our relationship with our parents is far more complicated than that, and setting boundaries is not a proof or otherwise of whether you love someone. Engaging with a drunk person does neither of you any good, especially not your mother. Your father is being not very subtle about putting guilt on you.
When my mother was younger and more vigorous she was really really good at passive aggressive manipulation and it took us 4 daughters a long time to come up with ways of dealing with it. She also had an alcohol problem which made her really nasty when under the influence. She absolutely refused to see councillors even when she was poisoning the atmosphere around her.
I don't have any special advice except to stand your ground. You might want to set up meetings with your mother when you know she isn't under the influence, say morning coffee, or lunch. But maintaining those boundaries about dealing with her when she's been drinking is so reasonable and necessary for your peace of mind. It's also good feedback for your mother, whether she likes it or not.
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Thank you catlover 
It helps to know at least another set of eyes took the time to read it....it was so damn long! Lol.
I've been considering the notion of sending them a letter, but figured, what's the point. If they don't get it by now, nothing else I say will help them understand. So, I figured it would at least help me to put it into words.
Part of me has to come to terms with the fact that they will always view me as the selfish, ungrateful brat they characterize me to be. I feel a huge sense of injustice over that. But I guess it shouldn't matter to me what they think. It still hurts.
It helps to know at least another set of eyes took the time to read it....it was so damn long! Lol.
I've been considering the notion of sending them a letter, but figured, what's the point. If they don't get it by now, nothing else I say will help them understand. So, I figured it would at least help me to put it into words.
Part of me has to come to terms with the fact that they will always view me as the selfish, ungrateful brat they characterize me to be. I feel a huge sense of injustice over that. But I guess it shouldn't matter to me what they think. It still hurts.
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@healingwillcome
Thank you for sharing your story with me. And you are also correct, in that I do mourn what things "could have been like" with healthier parents. I imagine sharing the joys of my son with an emotionally stable mother, and imagine what that would be like, while realizing the reality of the situation. And the fear and dread I have about day he is old enough for her to be communicating with my son behind my back, doing the same thing she does with my husband, trash talk, drunken texts and voicemails...etc. This is one of the main reasons I'm wondering if its best to cut them off now, before my son establishes any real relationship with her. I know one thing...she will NEVER have my son's phone number.
Thank you for sharing your story with me. And you are also correct, in that I do mourn what things "could have been like" with healthier parents. I imagine sharing the joys of my son with an emotionally stable mother, and imagine what that would be like, while realizing the reality of the situation. And the fear and dread I have about day he is old enough for her to be communicating with my son behind my back, doing the same thing she does with my husband, trash talk, drunken texts and voicemails...etc. This is one of the main reasons I'm wondering if its best to cut them off now, before my son establishes any real relationship with her. I know one thing...she will NEVER have my son's phone number.
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@feelinggreat
Oh good...I though people would think it was a dissertation, and I'd be getting "tl;dr"
:P
Thank you for your validation. It feels like its a reasonable request to not speak with her when she's drunk, but they make me question my own sanity, and even reality itself, when I request what would otherwise seem very reasonable. I hate the dynamic they're constantly sucking me into. And I wind up feeling like I need to take a shower after speaking with them.
Oh good...I though people would think it was a dissertation, and I'd be getting "tl;dr"
:P
Thank you for your validation. It feels like its a reasonable request to not speak with her when she's drunk, but they make me question my own sanity, and even reality itself, when I request what would otherwise seem very reasonable. I hate the dynamic they're constantly sucking me into. And I wind up feeling like I need to take a shower after speaking with them.
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It's hard to internalize the reality that someone is not and will never be who we wished them to be. It's a long, painful process to get there.
My own experience has been that rather than stay stuck grieving the loss of a certain relationship, a healing and healthy thing has been to adopt healthy people to take that role. A mother figure. A sister figure. A male mentor for a child. The world is full of people, many of them mentally healthy and available for great shared experiences. The opportunities are out there for second solutions.
I hope you will feel heard here, and supported. We don't measure posts and determine if your word count is too high... we know that sometimes it's just a really, really good thing to vent, to throw out the jumble of thoughts and feelings to folks who are listening and can understand big parts of the message.
Sending support,
CLMI
My own experience has been that rather than stay stuck grieving the loss of a certain relationship, a healing and healthy thing has been to adopt healthy people to take that role. A mother figure. A sister figure. A male mentor for a child. The world is full of people, many of them mentally healthy and available for great shared experiences. The opportunities are out there for second solutions.
I hope you will feel heard here, and supported. We don't measure posts and determine if your word count is too high... we know that sometimes it's just a really, really good thing to vent, to throw out the jumble of thoughts and feelings to folks who are listening and can understand big parts of the message.
Sending support,
CLMI
.
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I read it too. Part 1 felt very similar to my experience, although it was my step dad that raged and beat and made home a scary place to be. Luckily my mom left him when I was 15, too late to avoid damage but better than never. I left the country when I was 19, mainly to escape him, I was still afraid of his darkness despite him not being around anymore. I felt I had to run and hide on the other side of the world and it still wasn't far enough away to feel safe, the fear was deeply inside me by then. He once told my mom I was ungrateful because I did not thank him for a birthday present he sent me when I was 21. I still feel guilty I did not thank him. Even though my mom got well and has made up for it by spoiling me with gifts of cars and houses and holidays, she never has spoken to me about what I went through. They led me to believe it was partly my fault, told me I was an impossible child, stubborn and rebellious and not grateful. They twisted my mind against me and took away most of my faith in my own intuition (my intuition said they were not loving and the situation was wrong). I knew this but I still wanted him to love me, I still do. The reason I'm saying this is because I think it's important to realize how manipulative parents can be without really meaning to be or being aware of it themselves. I think if you feel intuitively that it's best for you to have some time away from them, you should. It doesn't have to be forever, it's not your fault, you are not being unkind. They did not look out for your emotional well being and therefore, you need to do it for yourself. It is a sad story but you can be the end of the line, the place where the pain stops and your new (loving) family begins.
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@wackybunny Yes, it's amazing how the impacts on our psyche can be so lasting. Only after spending time away from them do I feel like a healthy functioning adult, a worthwhile person. When around them, I get sucked back into old dynamics. I'm sorry about the traumas you've experienced. For the longest time, I was terrified at the idea of having children, terrified of the possibility of continuing cycles of dysfunction (I am now in my late 30's and just had my first child). It took me some time to realize that my parents actually DID teach me some very valuable lessons...how NOT to be. I don't take for granted the good things they have done for me, but I have determined myself to always treat my son with love and respect. And I have been fortunate enough to have found the most supportive, caring husband. I adore him, and he's such a kind and gentle man (it took a while for me to trust men too). I've also found my faith. That has been huge
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Thank you for this thread . It is my story, and undoubtedly many others as well. It's so helpful and comforting to know that my feelings about my parents are not entirely unique to me.
I am older than you return, my 4 children are now young adults, one of which is married. If I could have, I would have wised up when I was your age and set boundaries and standards for behavior for my parents. I wish I had given myself permission "back then". I also married a wonderful man, with a wonderful family, and had children later in life than most. I claim my husband's family as my family. I was blessed there. I am also proud that we broke the cycle of abuse and have raised 4 of the most lovely, wonderful children on earth. We are all so close. We laugh, have fun, respect each other...... And that's what you will do with your own children. Take heart with that. What you didn't get ( and still don't get ) from your family of origin, you will get from the family you and your husband create. That's what gets me through . Thats true love and That's what I hold on to when I start to feel pulled back into the pathology of my own family of origin.
It's interesting to note that my kids, while they do not hate their grandparents, and will even profess sometimes to "love" them ( because that's what grand kids do ), they are not close to them, do not seek their company, and do not miss them. They have seen what they have done to me ( or rather what I've allowed them to do to me ), and it did not make for a strong relationship between them. Kids are smart. They know.
I wish you, and all victims of abusive parents, peace. We deserve that.
I am older than you return, my 4 children are now young adults, one of which is married. If I could have, I would have wised up when I was your age and set boundaries and standards for behavior for my parents. I wish I had given myself permission "back then". I also married a wonderful man, with a wonderful family, and had children later in life than most. I claim my husband's family as my family. I was blessed there. I am also proud that we broke the cycle of abuse and have raised 4 of the most lovely, wonderful children on earth. We are all so close. We laugh, have fun, respect each other...... And that's what you will do with your own children. Take heart with that. What you didn't get ( and still don't get ) from your family of origin, you will get from the family you and your husband create. That's what gets me through . Thats true love and That's what I hold on to when I start to feel pulled back into the pathology of my own family of origin.
It's interesting to note that my kids, while they do not hate their grandparents, and will even profess sometimes to "love" them ( because that's what grand kids do ), they are not close to them, do not seek their company, and do not miss them. They have seen what they have done to me ( or rather what I've allowed them to do to me ), and it did not make for a strong relationship between them. Kids are smart. They know.
I wish you, and all victims of abusive parents, peace. We deserve that.
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Hello returntosender, and Welcome! Although I am sorry for the reasons you needed to search for a place like SR, it is a great place for support.
If you take a moment and read through our Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents forum, you will see that some folks have completely cut their parents out of their lives. Should you? None of us can answer that for you...but none of us would blame you or shame you if you did.
Please know you will be supported here in whatever you decide is best for you, and for your young family
If you take a moment and read through our Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents forum, you will see that some folks have completely cut their parents out of their lives. Should you? None of us can answer that for you...but none of us would blame you or shame you if you did.
Please know you will be supported here in whatever you decide is best for you, and for your young family
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Wow, sounds pretty toxic.
My family had a similar situation, except that it was my parents being abused by my alcoholic, drug-addict brother. My brother finally got sober at age 50, yet even after he continued to call my parents and just outright abuse them over the phone, screaming at them and blaming them for all his troubles. My brother was a real powder keg and everyone walked on eggshells around him. My parents let this go on way too long.
Finally about 5 years ago, my mom had enough. She called my brother on his birthday and he proceeded to cry and moan and scream and unload on her. She told him simply "I am not willing to be abused like this by you, anymore."
That was the last contact any of us have had with my brother. We all thought it would feel sad, but it has been a HUGE relief not to have him in our lives any longer. None of us miss him in any way. I realize that he contributed NOTHING to our family; he only took and took and took. Occasionally when I check in with my parents about this, they are both sad but resolute in their decision and say that it has taken a big burden off of them, and they are no longer afraid to answer their phone or check their email.
Only you can make the decision to break contact with your parents, but it certainly seems like they are takers. I ask myself when around certain people, am I energized and inflated by my interaction with them, or deflated and exhausted? You know how some people just suck the life out of you? I'm at this point in my life where I am done with those life suckers. Sometimes they include birth family.
My family had a similar situation, except that it was my parents being abused by my alcoholic, drug-addict brother. My brother finally got sober at age 50, yet even after he continued to call my parents and just outright abuse them over the phone, screaming at them and blaming them for all his troubles. My brother was a real powder keg and everyone walked on eggshells around him. My parents let this go on way too long.
Finally about 5 years ago, my mom had enough. She called my brother on his birthday and he proceeded to cry and moan and scream and unload on her. She told him simply "I am not willing to be abused like this by you, anymore."
That was the last contact any of us have had with my brother. We all thought it would feel sad, but it has been a HUGE relief not to have him in our lives any longer. None of us miss him in any way. I realize that he contributed NOTHING to our family; he only took and took and took. Occasionally when I check in with my parents about this, they are both sad but resolute in their decision and say that it has taken a big burden off of them, and they are no longer afraid to answer their phone or check their email.
Only you can make the decision to break contact with your parents, but it certainly seems like they are takers. I ask myself when around certain people, am I energized and inflated by my interaction with them, or deflated and exhausted? You know how some people just suck the life out of you? I'm at this point in my life where I am done with those life suckers. Sometimes they include birth family.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
When you have VALID REASONS to disengage from toxic or unhealthy people, you have every right to protect yourself and your family by choosing to do so.
You will have to give yourself permission to do so, though. For people who have had decent parents, it's very hard to understand why someone could choose to break off contact. We're all so drilled in loving and respecting our parents, no matter what.
My ex-the-alcoholic had terrible parents. They once told him in front of me that he should be grateful that they hadn't put him up for adoption because he was always such a difficult child. I rarely get angry, but that was the one time I told them off. I told them that parents have a responsibility to their children -- not the other way 'round. I don't think we talked to them for six months after that. Because I had talked back to them. I was 40 at the time.
My children have chosen to not have contact with their father, for now, because he is in active addiction, abusive, and a terrible burden on them. My best friend cut contact with her alcoholic mother as a teen. Another friend had it out with his father in his 30s and haven't spoken to him since.
There are all kinds of responsible, loving, amazing people out there who have done what you're contemplating. Most people just don't talk about it, because there is such a social stigma to not loving your parents.
But honestly, parents are like dogs, kids, and humans in general: some are lovely to be around and contribute to your happiness, others are just awful to be around. And you have every right to choose not to.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Hello returntosender, welcome to SR.
Have you ever worked a 12-step program for yourself? I used to think it was over-rated and didn't know why it was so often recommended. Now I get it.
Three important things I've learned fairly recently (still on that journey):
1) don't expect more from people than they're able to give
2) protect myself and our dependent child above anything else (we have older ones who are grown - I have to trust them to take care of themselves now)
3) it's none of my business what other people think of me -- that's their problem, NOT mine.
We talk about the three C's of alcoholism, but whether alcohol was involved from the start or not, this still applies to your parents: you didn't Cause the problem, you can't Control the problem and you can't Cure it.
Take whatever steps you need to live a full healthy life for yourself, your child, your own family. Don't regret any future decisions when they are based on that.
Have you ever worked a 12-step program for yourself? I used to think it was over-rated and didn't know why it was so often recommended. Now I get it.
Three important things I've learned fairly recently (still on that journey):
1) don't expect more from people than they're able to give
2) protect myself and our dependent child above anything else (we have older ones who are grown - I have to trust them to take care of themselves now)
3) it's none of my business what other people think of me -- that's their problem, NOT mine.
We talk about the three C's of alcoholism, but whether alcohol was involved from the start or not, this still applies to your parents: you didn't Cause the problem, you can't Control the problem and you can't Cure it.
Take whatever steps you need to live a full healthy life for yourself, your child, your own family. Don't regret any future decisions when they are based on that.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Originally Posted by returntosender 
(Part 3) Current story. I am happily married to the most fantastic, well-adjusted man on this planet, we have a 20-month old child. I got my Ph.D.
And is it a bad thing to just cut it off and emotionally disconnect? Is it a bad thing to not love them? I know it’s a taboo to disown family…but I care more about the well-being of my son.
And is it a bad thing to just cut it off and emotionally disconnect? Is it a bad thing to not love them? I know it’s a taboo to disown family…but I care more about the well-being of my son.
I am extremely happy for you on the life you now have and applaud how you've broken free from the abuse. You didn't deserve ANY of that and to be able to put your own family (you, your child, your husband) ahead of that is very healthy. That isn't taboo, IMO! I agree that it probably happens more often than we realize. It's not something most people talk about, partially because of others not understanding, but also it's not anyone's business and they've moved beyond it being an issue.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Welcome, returntosender. As already mentioned, when you have VALID reasons for cutting off contact, then it is a good thing. I went No Contact with my AM and most of her family almost two years ago. Haven't regretted my decision a single time. You'll find a lot empathy and support here. There'sbalways someone who gets it, no matter what "it" is.
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