Spouse wants me to go to first AA meeting with him
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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Spouse wants me to go to first AA meeting with him
My alcoholic spouse told me that he is going to (his first!) an AA meeting tomorrow, and asked if I could come with him.
I gently pushed back, saying that this is for him, that these meetings are anonymous and a place where he can talk about things in confidence, that he might not feel comfortable with me there. He told me that he was scared.
His admission about his fears were some of the most "real" he's been with me in years, so I feel like it's a gift I shouldn't refuse. I honestly have doubts as to whether or not he is going to go, and part of me thinks that I should be gung-ho and say yes so that he doesn't chicken out, but I understand that he has to do this out of his own volition.
Have any of you gone with an A family member to their first AA meeting?
If I go, I plan to be a silent observer and let him take this all in, but I am not sure how to "act". If he wants to hold my hand, is that being codependent? Do I need to let him jump in without the "safety net" per se?
I know that there's no "right" way to do it, but I guess I wanted to hear about others' experiences with accompanying an alcoholic family member to their first AA meetings.
I gently pushed back, saying that this is for him, that these meetings are anonymous and a place where he can talk about things in confidence, that he might not feel comfortable with me there. He told me that he was scared.
His admission about his fears were some of the most "real" he's been with me in years, so I feel like it's a gift I shouldn't refuse. I honestly have doubts as to whether or not he is going to go, and part of me thinks that I should be gung-ho and say yes so that he doesn't chicken out, but I understand that he has to do this out of his own volition.
Have any of you gone with an A family member to their first AA meeting?
If I go, I plan to be a silent observer and let him take this all in, but I am not sure how to "act". If he wants to hold my hand, is that being codependent? Do I need to let him jump in without the "safety net" per se?
I know that there's no "right" way to do it, but I guess I wanted to hear about others' experiences with accompanying an alcoholic family member to their first AA meetings.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by xenia 
My alcoholic spouse told me that he is going to (his first!) an AA meeting tomorrow, and asked if I could come with him.
Mountainman
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I think if it were me, I would go with, but possibly not go into the actual meeting. I'd wait outside. My concern would be that he would not feel ultimately feel comfortable with you there once he got inside. And I wouldn't want to set a precedent for needing to go with every time he wanted to go to a meeting. At the end of the day, he is going to need to be able to stand on his own two feet if he wants to recover. But I do think it's terrific that he brought this up.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
I think if it were me, I would go with, but possibly not go into the actual meeting. I'd wait outside. My concern would be that he would not feel ultimately feel comfortable with you there once he got inside. And I wouldn't want to set a precedent for needing to go with every time he wanted to go to a meeting. At the end of the day, he is going to need to be able to stand on his own two feet if he wants to recover. But I do think it's terrific that he brought this up.
IMO - AA/Alanon/therapy should be a safe haven for whomever is seeking help. I consider it staying on respective sides of the street. (r)AH doesn't ask me about my T sessions, I don't ask about his AA/rehab meetings.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
If there's an al-anon meeting at the same time, another option might be to ride to the meeting with your spouse and then attend al-anon while he's in AA. I know a few people who do this and it works for them.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
It is an Open, New Comer's meeting?
(those tend to be best -- for them and *us.*)
You may not see it, yet, but it is kind cool that he invited you.
Way back in Happy Times -- before the Relapse and all -- I would go to some AA meetings with Mrs. Hammer. She already had 4 years in, so it was not like some real help her through the door thing, like yours -- but still nice to be part of a Good (Very Good) thing.
So shut up, smile big (you will see why later) and Go, Go, Go.
Did I say I think you should strongly consider going?
BUT -- ALSO Alanon for YOU!
btw, for the folks making the backwards comparison to *them* coming to an Alanon meeting -- I agree -- BUT the reverse comparison DOES NOT Match if you have been to an AA Open Newcomer's Meeting. They are more like a Tent Revival Thing.
No matter WHICH side you are coming from -- try visiting at least one AA Open Newcomer's Meeting. You will likely be pleased, happy and blessed with what you find.
(those tend to be best -- for them and *us.*)
You may not see it, yet, but it is kind cool that he invited you.
Way back in Happy Times -- before the Relapse and all -- I would go to some AA meetings with Mrs. Hammer. She already had 4 years in, so it was not like some real help her through the door thing, like yours -- but still nice to be part of a Good (Very Good) thing.
So shut up, smile big (you will see why later) and Go, Go, Go.
Did I say I think you should strongly consider going?
BUT -- ALSO Alanon for YOU!
btw, for the folks making the backwards comparison to *them* coming to an Alanon meeting -- I agree -- BUT the reverse comparison DOES NOT Match if you have been to an AA Open Newcomer's Meeting. They are more like a Tent Revival Thing.
No matter WHICH side you are coming from -- try visiting at least one AA Open Newcomer's Meeting. You will likely be pleased, happy and blessed with what you find.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: dublin
Posts: 65
Originally Posted by Hammer
It is an Open, New Comer's meeting?
(those tend to be best -- for them and *us.*)
You may not see it, yet, but it is kind cool that he invited you.
Way back in Happy Times -- before the Relapse and all -- I would go to some AA meetings with Mrs. Hammer. She already had 4 years in, so it was not like some real help her through the door thing, like yours -- but still nice to be part of a Good (Very Good) thing.
So shut up, smile big (you will see why later) and Go, Go, Go.
Did I say I think you should strongly consider going?
BUT -- ALSO Alanon for YOU!
btw, for the folks making the backwards comparison to *them* coming to an Alanon meeting -- I agree -- BUT the reverse comparison DOES NOT Match if you have been to an AA Open Newcomer's Meeting. They are more like a Tent Revival Thing.
No matter WHICH side you are coming from -- try visiting at least one AA Open Newcomer's Meeting. You will likely be pleased, happy and blessed with what you find.
(those tend to be best -- for them and *us.*)
You may not see it, yet, but it is kind cool that he invited you.
Way back in Happy Times -- before the Relapse and all -- I would go to some AA meetings with Mrs. Hammer. She already had 4 years in, so it was not like some real help her through the door thing, like yours -- but still nice to be part of a Good (Very Good) thing.
So shut up, smile big (you will see why later) and Go, Go, Go.
Did I say I think you should strongly consider going?
BUT -- ALSO Alanon for YOU!
btw, for the folks making the backwards comparison to *them* coming to an Alanon meeting -- I agree -- BUT the reverse comparison DOES NOT Match if you have been to an AA Open Newcomer's Meeting. They are more like a Tent Revival Thing.
No matter WHICH side you are coming from -- try visiting at least one AA Open Newcomer's Meeting. You will likely be pleased, happy and blessed with what you find.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I wouldn't go. It doesn't have anything to do with the A, it has to do with me.
If I went it would just reinforce my Codie behavior. That I am still responsible for fixing them, for getting them to do what I want.
What was best for me was to let go and put their recovery in their hands and simply be responsible for mine. He might be scared and that's OK. I sure as hell was scared when I went to my first AlAnon meeting.
They say recovery for alcoholics is selfish, well, that is also true for us Codies. My recovery works best when I am selfish and focus on me and as a Codie that is a really hard thing to do.
Your friend,
If I went it would just reinforce my Codie behavior. That I am still responsible for fixing them, for getting them to do what I want.
What was best for me was to let go and put their recovery in their hands and simply be responsible for mine. He might be scared and that's OK. I sure as hell was scared when I went to my first AlAnon meeting.
They say recovery for alcoholics is selfish, well, that is also true for us Codies. My recovery works best when I am selfish and focus on me and as a Codie that is a really hard thing to do.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Redding, CA
Posts: 216
There is a lot to take in going to the first meeting. Just to walk into the room is very scary having support would be great. yes a alcoholic must want and do the work of recovery, but knowing that you have support helps a great deal. Best of luck to you both.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
That is a good step in the right direction. Lots of good input, whether you decide to go into the meeting with him or not. 
I haven't been to our local Celebrate Recovery yet, but it starts with everyone together and then has separate meetings in the same building.
I haven't been to our local Celebrate Recovery yet, but it starts with everyone together and then has separate meetings in the same building.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by m1k3
I wouldn't go. It doesn't have anything to do with the A, it has to do with me.
If I went it would just reinforce my Codie behavior. That I am still responsible for fixing them, for getting them to do what I want.
What was best for me was to let go and put their recovery in their hands and simply be responsible for mine. He might be scared and that's OK. I sure as hell was scared when I went to my first AlAnon meeting.
They say recovery for alcoholics is selfish, well, that is also true for us Codies. My recovery works best when I am selfish and focus on me and as a Codie that is a really hard thing to do.
Your friend,
If I went it would just reinforce my Codie behavior. That I am still responsible for fixing them, for getting them to do what I want.
What was best for me was to let go and put their recovery in their hands and simply be responsible for mine. He might be scared and that's OK. I sure as hell was scared when I went to my first AlAnon meeting.
They say recovery for alcoholics is selfish, well, that is also true for us Codies. My recovery works best when I am selfish and focus on me and as a Codie that is a really hard thing to do.
Your friend,
Of course it would be uncomfortable & intimidating at first, but as the saying goes: no one ever died from being uncomfortable. For us, this was part of the first step of separating our sides of the street as well as the first step for him to reclaim his dignity by reaching out for help on his own.
I can see where I would maybe feel differently if my qualifier was my child or another relative.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Speaking as a double winner, it is great to support your AH but unless it is an open AA meeting, you cannot stay in the meeting. There are open meetings - family and friends can attend. Closed meetings are for the alcoholic/addict only.
If you want to support him, and there is a place to wait, accompany him to the meeting.
If you want to support him, and there is a place to wait, accompany him to the meeting.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
btw -- Being scared is a natural reaction to realizing you have a problem that you can't solve on your own. There are a lot of good people who happen to be alcoholics. There is no judgement or shame in this. AA, Alanon and Celebrate Recovery are all really good places to be..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 13
I am absolutely devastated. Spouse just called from work and said that he isn't going to AA because he "refuses" to consider himself an alcoholic because he "doesn't crave alcohol". He is saying that my need for things to change is unfair because he can't change the fact that I have a progressive lung disease and that I put him through "the same exact thing".
I KNEW it. I knew he would talk himself out of it. I KNEW it.
He says "I know what I have to do" and he can "do it" without "calling (himself) an alcoholic" and is mad for me "so quick" to label him. And says, "besides, I don't drink excessively every night.
He is listing "all the stuff" he does for me like paying for insurance, "putting a roof over my head," paying for food and gas, taking me to doctor appointments, etc. So essentially, I need to "give him a break" on all this because he's "not all bad."
I'm going to lose my mind. I don't know where to go from here. I'm devastated.
I KNEW it. I knew he would talk himself out of it. I KNEW it.
He says "I know what I have to do" and he can "do it" without "calling (himself) an alcoholic" and is mad for me "so quick" to label him. And says, "besides, I don't drink excessively every night.
He is listing "all the stuff" he does for me like paying for insurance, "putting a roof over my head," paying for food and gas, taking me to doctor appointments, etc. So essentially, I need to "give him a break" on all this because he's "not all bad."
I'm going to lose my mind. I don't know where to go from here. I'm devastated.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
(((hugs)))
Where you go from here is still the same place -- working on your own recovery. This is the addiction talking. There's going a lot going on with him and none of it is your fault, nor can you fix it. The three C's again: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it.
The day before my husband was going to rehab I had no idea if he was going to go through with it, even though it would have meant losing his job and our home. His addiction was looking everywhere for an excuse to get out of it. He knew he had a problem and yet here he was trying to blame everyone else and looking for an out. It's another symptom of the disease, along with shifting blame and "look at all the things I've done!" to try to say nothing is wrong with them.
YOU will be okay no matter what happens. Just take a deep breath and take things one step at a time in your own recovery. You can still go to an open AA meeting by yourself, if you want to just listen or ask any questions. Again, do this only for you and your sanity, not for trying to fix him. Make Alanon a priority in your life. If you need a ride, someone may be able to help arrange that. At my first meeting they gave me a list of Alanon members to call for support and help.
Where you go from here is still the same place -- working on your own recovery. This is the addiction talking. There's going a lot going on with him and none of it is your fault, nor can you fix it. The three C's again: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it.
The day before my husband was going to rehab I had no idea if he was going to go through with it, even though it would have meant losing his job and our home. His addiction was looking everywhere for an excuse to get out of it. He knew he had a problem and yet here he was trying to blame everyone else and looking for an out. It's another symptom of the disease, along with shifting blame and "look at all the things I've done!" to try to say nothing is wrong with them.
YOU will be okay no matter what happens. Just take a deep breath and take things one step at a time in your own recovery. You can still go to an open AA meeting by yourself, if you want to just listen or ask any questions. Again, do this only for you and your sanity, not for trying to fix him. Make Alanon a priority in your life. If you need a ride, someone may be able to help arrange that. At my first meeting they gave me a list of Alanon members to call for support and help.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by keepingthefaith
(((hugs)))
Where you go from here is still the same place -- working on your own recovery. .......YOU will be okay no matter what happens. Just take a deep breath and take things one step at a time in your own recovery.
Where you go from here is still the same place -- working on your own recovery. .......YOU will be okay no matter what happens. Just take a deep breath and take things one step at a time in your own recovery.
Well said.I'm so sorry xenia. KTF is right though, really nothing has changed based on this conversation. You can't control how or if he'll decide to approach recovery, but that doesn't stop YOU from continuing to get healthy for yourself. Keep posting, keep talking it through. We can all relate in one way or another to what you are going through.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Originally Posted by xenia
I am absolutely devastated. Spouse just called from work and said that he isn't going to AA because he "refuses" to consider himself an alcoholic because he "doesn't crave alcohol". He is saying that my need for things to change is unfair because he can't change the fact that I have a progressive lung disease and that I put him through "the same exact thing".
I KNEW it. I knew he would talk himself out of it. I KNEW it.
He says "I know what I have to do" and he can "do it" without "calling (himself) an alcoholic" and is mad for me "so quick" to label him. And says, "besides, I don't drink excessively every night.
He is listing "all the stuff" he does for me like paying for insurance, "putting a roof over my head," paying for food and gas, taking me to doctor appointments, etc. So essentially, I need to "give him a break" on all this because he's "not all bad."
I'm going to lose my mind. I don't know where to go from here. I'm devastated.
I KNEW it. I knew he would talk himself out of it. I KNEW it.
He says "I know what I have to do" and he can "do it" without "calling (himself) an alcoholic" and is mad for me "so quick" to label him. And says, "besides, I don't drink excessively every night.
He is listing "all the stuff" he does for me like paying for insurance, "putting a roof over my head," paying for food and gas, taking me to doctor appointments, etc. So essentially, I need to "give him a break" on all this because he's "not all bad."
I'm going to lose my mind. I don't know where to go from here. I'm devastated.
I'm sorry. Sending big hugs and healing thoughts your way.
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