FlippedRHalo

So, here I am this morning struggling with every emotion under the sun. After the incessant 2 days worth of texts & non-stop calling ranging from "baby, I love you, please let's work this out" to "I hate you, I had to drink to be with you", I've heard nothing since. At all.

I know that's good, but it hurts too. Did I mean nothing? Is it really that easy to walk away? He's done this many times before and this is the point where I start texting him asking for us to talk. And round and round we go.

I will not call, I will not text. But damn it, he put me through hell and he knows he did, and now he has his alcohol to numb his pain and I have to feel every freakin' painful, confusing feeling with nothing but my will to get me through it.

I want to call and scream at him. I want to cry. I want to tell him that I love him and hate him. I want him to want to get better and fix this, but he won't. He can't. He's a disaster. And, I miss him. Why do I miss him? How could I miss all that he represented in my life? Pain, confusion, agony, hurt, chaos.... that's what he gave me and I miss it?? Really?? What is wrong with me?

I'm sorry if this isn't making sense - I'm trying to write it all out instead of doing something I'll regret in another 2 months. I KNOW we CAN NOT be together. I KNOW I deserve better than this. But it HURTS!

I can't believe he's just letting me go so easily. Wow. Just wow.

I have to take a test on campus today and of course, I've barely studied because I can't focus long enough to accomplish much of anything. Thankfully I know the material well, so I should do ok, but I can't believe I've let this affect me this much. Again.

The quiet has me reeling. He's just silent and it scares me. I hate this.

Hammer

Can you open this? It is on the Alanon Facebook site.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=573490496073256

If not we may be able to find it on Youtube.

Overall, what you are going through may turn out a blessing.

dandylion

FlippedRHalo----I have been where you are (uggggh). This reaction is not unusual. Ending bad relationships can hurt as much as losing a loved one some other way. We form strong bonds with those we are intimate with and invest ourselves into. You will go through a grieving process.....there is no way around it.

Do not try to go through this without support!!!! You have us...LOL....and it is good that you came here to vent. good move. You need face to face support. Alanon will wrap compassionate arms around you; individual counselor will give you comfort and clarity; friends will distract you from the pain and "be on your side"; hobbies and new interests will open up new dimentions for you; crying is good---it expunges the pain from your body; vigorous exercise will give your brain some endorphins; good food and decent sleep will restore balance; a daily structured schedule will get you though--a day at a time.

Remember this----short-term pain for long-term gain.

You are doing so well....just don' give up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

AnvilheadII

this is a powerful article that may help you SEE some things that have been going on in this relationship:

Domestic Violence Cycle of Abuse | Wheel of Abuse | Destructive Effects of The Cycle of Abuse

blake1989

Hey. Well you wrote my post for the day lol. I'm sorry you're hurting - I woke up with such similar feelings - wondering what have I done, why do I miss her so much after what she did to me. While in my own case, I am the one being asked "how can you throw this away so easily," I totally know what you are saying. The quiet after losing her - yes I still feel like I lost her even though I was the one to pull the plug - is crushing, confusing, sometimes comforting. But that's my own problem to work out.

I know it doesn't seem like it, but I must say how beautiful it is to hear that you are actually able to feel every "painful, confusing feeling with nothing but my will to get me through it." My ex has some extra 'help' not feeling. Yours does too. I applaud you because my codependence led me to avoid feeling these feelings of loss until I reached a saturation point, as you did.

The part about letting you go so easily leads me to another point and something I want to share with you. I have a friend a few thousand miles away who I think is a massive success story. He is 8 years sober and in AA, after being homeless and losing everything in his 20's. He has a family and makes awesome music. I say this not to give some false hope (he *wanted* to turn his life around), but to illustrate his knowledge of this affliction.

When I broke up with my ex and those texts, emails and voicemails like the ones you've gotten started coming in, he told me this: "I have seen this before. People, especially addicts, don't like to lose things. Even though honestly they didn't lose anything. They gave it away."

I don't want to tell you what you're feeling, but maybe that's why you feel it's so easy for him to let you go: He gave it away. As the dust settles, I have this slow recognition that it was given away before I was even in the picture.

I hope your test goes well. Sometimes we just have tough days. Let's get through it. These are just my thoughts and musings on a very confusing day here as well.

FlippedRHalo

Thank you all, so much, for the words of support and the links.

Hammer, that was a great video and really hit home.

I almost didn't go to class today. Almost. But, I dragged my pitiful self off of the couch, got in the shower, did my hair and off I went. I'm so happy I did. I pushed through something I didn't think I was going to be able to push through because to be quite honest, all I wanted was to pull the blanket over my head and sleep the feelings away. And, pretty sure I aced my test.

Still no word. Nothing. It makes it easier in once sense and hard in another. I go between wondering if he's sorry for what has happened, is he waiting me out, is he having a great time now that I'm gone or is he home locked in his room with his bottle (pretty sure that's the case) and why, oh why, did he choose that instead of us?

I guess it just blows me away that there has been nothing since the last night of crazy texts. Maybe he's let go. What I think he's doing is waiting me out like he usually does in this twisted game of ours, but if that's the case, how dare something so serious be looked at as a game of seeing who is going to make the next move.

God, I'm so confused.

Blake, thank you for sharing that insight from your friend. I'm so happy he had success with beating his addiction and I'm so sorry that you were feeling the same emotions that I was today. I hope you're feeling better now. You're so right, we have tough days... let's get through them. We can do this.

And.... I would have definitely sent the "are you ok" text by now normally. I haven't. And although the want to know what he's doing and how he's taking it all is strong right now, I don't want to start that ball rolling. I made it through the panic this morning and I'm doing ok tonight. Small steps, but definitely progress.

But still... ugh. Just why? Why, why, why??!!

Brolynbub

I think this is the hardest thing for me as well, like how is it that they just move on and leave us behind reeling? I wish I was capable of getting over it that quickly...

pixilation

All those things you want to yell, scream, etc at him? Open a private journal and put it all there.

jacrazz

That was awesome!

marie1960

Sending you support Flipped, hang in there.

You just got to keep believing in yourself here.

Every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being directed to something better.

keep looking forward, that is where your life is, no need to look back, you no longer liver there, friend.

iamthird

We feel abandoned. I felt abandoned by separated AH as well and how quickly he moved on, etc..You were not "nothing". Your reality was yours and you dont need the A to justify it. It is awful how cold and callous they are...it is the disease. Remember they are sick and not able to deal with reality.

You are a fantastic person worthy of love. Start taking care of yourself and being around people who value you and make you feel good. Life is too short to be sad.

FlippedRHalo

It is literally soul crushing. I don't want that life back and I truly am starting to enjoy the peace I so desperately needed to shake the craziness that my life became, but it guts me to think that he might not care, and, may not have ever cared. I could swear he did, I honestly thought he did, but apparently I shouldn't trust my judgement too much because that (or the lack thereof) is what put me in this predicament to begin with.

And, even if they did care, they obviously cared more about their bottle. Little consolation that is, huh?

Reeling.... YES! Perfect description of the feeling you're left with when they pick up and keep right on going like you never existed.

We really ARE better off. Our heads know that I think.... our hearts disagree, BUT, our hearts are what seem to steer us in the wrong direction, so let's try to listen to our heads this round. :/

It hurts like hell, but we'll thank them for this eventually. The pain will dull, the panic will calm and we'll thank them for doing exactly what they're doing to us right now.

In the meantime, please know that I know how you're feeling and you're sooooo not alone in this. (((Gigantic Hug)))

FlippedRHalo

Marie & Iamthird - I'm in tears. The words in both of your posts just meant the world to me. Thank you, so much, for saying exactly what I needed to hear at the exact moment I really needed to hear it. I don't know why kindness instantly brings me to tears lately, but it does. But, they're good tears.

I think all of you are saving my sanity right now. I don't know if I could be this strong if I didn't find all of you. Deepest thanks, you're all really fantastic.

Recovering2

Hang in there, do NOT send a text. Is he okay? You already know that answer...he isn't. He's caught up in his addiction, to the point where he can lose everything and still drink. You will make yourself crazy trying to figure out where he is in his head right now...there is no rhyme or reason why the A does what he does.
Don't give him too much space in your head....try to focus on you. Just one day at a time. Do something for you. Go to an AlAnon meeting, have lunch with a friend, soak in a tub, go for a long walk. Anything to take care of you. You're going to get through this, and each day will make you a little stronger.
We're all here for you......

marie1960

You are going to be ok flipped.

Crying is actually therapeutic.

You will not always feel this way.

Keep busy, focus on your studies.

There is a whole wide world, filled with happy, normal, well adjusted, non addicted people.

Embrace this painful life lesson, you now know what you can never accept in a partner, and while it may not seem like it today, you are on your way to a better quality of life.

Post all you want, it helps to get it all out, we are here, we care, and we are listening.

pixilation

I felt cheated on, in fact i used to call that can of beer his mistress.

blake1989

Yes. My therapist said it's as if there is a third person in the relationship - alcohol. 'They' always came first no matter how hard my ex tried.

FlippedRHalo

Not only is it the third 'person', but the more important one at that! :/

Ofelie

I know exactly how you feel, I am living it right now. I could not decide if the silence is worse, or the awful things that come out when they do rear their ugly heads and contact us. Mine stayed silent for weeks, then popped up out of the blue to say "Goodbye, I love you but you're crazy" and that seems to be the running MO among the ones who pop up after being silent. Silence is way better, I promise. I know what you mean, its scary when they are silent. I think it might be because its absolutely out of your control if you don't know what is going on, at least part of it, but that has to be good because then you can't have that huge urge to rush to his rescue and fix him since he obviously can't or won't fix himself. Least that is what I am realizing, but then I sort of wake up and realize I don't WANT to know what is going on right now with him, because it will probably just HURT really really badly to know what he is doing and I am through letting him hurt me, right? I choose the painful beauty of silence, over the sickening pain of being derailed by his hateful, selfish, boozefilled crazy quacking. Every moment of silence allows you to slowly slip out of his sick grip and regain hold of your own normalcy, the normalcy he stole from you. Don't try to think too far ahead, take it moment by moment and just breathe. Take time to just be, take care of you. Search up the songs "All I Need" by Air. And maybe the song "Greatest Day" by Beverly Knight. And "Finally Made Me Happy" by Macy Gray. Turn them up loud! Dance or cry or sing, whatever you want, honey. Fill his silence with your own music.

itsmylifenow

Video was awesome!! I needed that today as I'm trying to work through the wave of feelings about my xabf.

Thanks! <3