Why does he still have that power over me??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 45
Why does he still have that power over me??
Ok, so I have made the decision to break up with my partner, he and I just do not get along...even if he isnt drinking (he's not had a drink for 10 days :-/), but trying to be strong when he is continually hurting me is hard.
I know this is a long one, but its been a horrible weekend and this just topped my night off!!
Today AP had his child with him and his son was really upsetting my son who has been really sick with gastro (which could be why he wasnt coping). Anyway my son ended up in tears and I told AP that I was going to take my son over to my parents for some time away. I honestly thought this was the best solution, considering we are not on the best terms and my son was melting down. He ranted at me saying how "this is ********" and "it's bloody ridiculous". I just told him, if his son was upsetting him so much, I figured the best bet was to take him out of the situation and spend some time with just me and his grandparents.
Anyway, I told him I'd be back to cook dinner (a roast chicken). He was still cranky, so didnt say much. He did ask me if I was inviting his son to go to my parents with us and I said no, considering the situation.
he then says to his son "Well L doesnt want you to go with her, so you have to come with me to cricket"...grr thanks for making me out to be the bad guy again!
He just called from cricket (at 8:30pm in Australia) and told me he was going to go to dinner with his friend (another alcoholic). I said ok, I have your dinner here though, but I will put it in the fridge for dinner tomorrow. He just hung up on me. The way he speaks to me is so cold and horrible. I know I dont speak like that to him. I do not treat him the same as when I was in love with him, but I treat him as my close friend and I hate that he can hurt me so much with just how he speaks to me.
How the heck do I do this? How do I find the strength to stick to my guns, when I just want a kind word and no more bad vibes in my home. I try to keep neutral, at least I only cry when Im away from him...but eek!!!
Oh my goodness I sooo need to get him a new place to live so I can start to get myself back on track :-(
I know this is a long one, but its been a horrible weekend and this just topped my night off!!
Today AP had his child with him and his son was really upsetting my son who has been really sick with gastro (which could be why he wasnt coping). Anyway my son ended up in tears and I told AP that I was going to take my son over to my parents for some time away. I honestly thought this was the best solution, considering we are not on the best terms and my son was melting down. He ranted at me saying how "this is ********" and "it's bloody ridiculous". I just told him, if his son was upsetting him so much, I figured the best bet was to take him out of the situation and spend some time with just me and his grandparents.
Anyway, I told him I'd be back to cook dinner (a roast chicken). He was still cranky, so didnt say much. He did ask me if I was inviting his son to go to my parents with us and I said no, considering the situation.
he then says to his son "Well L doesnt want you to go with her, so you have to come with me to cricket"...grr thanks for making me out to be the bad guy again!
He just called from cricket (at 8:30pm in Australia) and told me he was going to go to dinner with his friend (another alcoholic). I said ok, I have your dinner here though, but I will put it in the fridge for dinner tomorrow. He just hung up on me. The way he speaks to me is so cold and horrible. I know I dont speak like that to him. I do not treat him the same as when I was in love with him, but I treat him as my close friend and I hate that he can hurt me so much with just how he speaks to me.
How the heck do I do this? How do I find the strength to stick to my guns, when I just want a kind word and no more bad vibes in my home. I try to keep neutral, at least I only cry when Im away from him...but eek!!!
Oh my goodness I sooo need to get him a new place to live so I can start to get myself back on track :-(
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Brolyn, there's no doubt in your mind he has to go right? He can't say a civil word to you and he and his son are disrupting yours and your son's lives. For your son's sake please tell him to go.
Is there anyone who can support you in getting this guy out of your life? How about your parents?
Are you hesitating because you don't know how to take the next step? It's as easy as packing up his stuff while he's not there, then calling or texting him to collect it and find somewhere else to live. Ask him to return his keys, and if he doesn't get the locks changed.
Remember that he's one of those guys who if you're nice to them will treat you with disrespect, and then come crawling back with sweet talk and promises because he's lost his free ride. If I remember correctly, he's not contributing financially, why would he leave of his own accord.
Gather your courage for the sake of your son.
Is there anyone who can support you in getting this guy out of your life? How about your parents?
Are you hesitating because you don't know how to take the next step? It's as easy as packing up his stuff while he's not there, then calling or texting him to collect it and find somewhere else to live. Ask him to return his keys, and if he doesn't get the locks changed.
Remember that he's one of those guys who if you're nice to them will treat you with disrespect, and then come crawling back with sweet talk and promises because he's lost his free ride. If I remember correctly, he's not contributing financially, why would he leave of his own accord.
Gather your courage for the sake of your son.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 45
Yes, there is no financial contribution. The whole situation breaks my heart. I thought I'd found the love of my life and to see the way he treats me just makes me feel horrible. Who treats people they love so coldly? He just came home and is wondering why I'm sleeping in the spare room...sigh, seriously this is a total mind f*#!.
Edited to add...as I lay here in bed thinking about why this is so hard for me I realised that I am still wondering what I have done for this to be happening. He was loving me once. Is is because I sleep in the spare room almost every night due to his horrific snoring? Have I created this rift? Maybe his drinking isn't a problem, maybe it's true what he says that I never showed him love.
Don't get me wrong, in reality I know this is not all my fault, but this is how it happens all the time, he manipulates every situation until I am telling him mot to leave and I'll do better.
I am so weak with these situations, I never used to be. I don't even recognise this person I am sometimes.
Edited to add...as I lay here in bed thinking about why this is so hard for me I realised that I am still wondering what I have done for this to be happening. He was loving me once. Is is because I sleep in the spare room almost every night due to his horrific snoring? Have I created this rift? Maybe his drinking isn't a problem, maybe it's true what he says that I never showed him love.
Don't get me wrong, in reality I know this is not all my fault, but this is how it happens all the time, he manipulates every situation until I am telling him mot to leave and I'll do better.
I am so weak with these situations, I never used to be. I don't even recognise this person I am sometimes.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Brolyn, you're hankering after the dream, not the person. If he's treating you so disrespectfully now, he's only going to get worse. I wonder what his ex has to say about him? As for him loving you….look at the actions not the words. What are his actions saying?
He sounds very selfish and immature. The crack about you not wanting his son has more to do with not getting a free baby sitter than anything else.
He sounds very selfish and immature. The crack about you not wanting his son has more to do with not getting a free baby sitter than anything else.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
Alcoholics are very skilled at deflecting the cause of problems onto anyone/anything besides alcohol. An alcoholic certainly doesn't want to admit that the root cause is drinking bc then he might have to actually address the alcohol issues. Family/friends who question the drinking are seen as a threat. An alcoholic will do anything to keep drinking. Pick fights, sneak, disappear, let you take the blame.
The 3 C's in Al-anon:
You didn't Cause the drinking, you can't Control the drinking and you can't Cure it. Try repeating that to yourself when you cant sleep. It's pretty powerful.
My husband also tried to say it was my fault for not showing enough love. I believed it for a long time. But the drinking continued no matter what I did. He drinks bc he's an alcoholic.
The 3 C's in Al-anon:
You didn't Cause the drinking, you can't Control the drinking and you can't Cure it. Try repeating that to yourself when you cant sleep. It's pretty powerful.
My husband also tried to say it was my fault for not showing enough love. I believed it for a long time. But the drinking continued no matter what I did. He drinks bc he's an alcoholic.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 45
Tonight he is happy...sigh
He got a new job today. He is relieved and happy and he is the person I remember from 2 months ago. However, when I question him when he's moving out and where to, he is smiling and laughing. He seems happy to be moving on, and it makes me angry. He says he is moving in with his drunk friend...says that he told him he wants no parties though. Hmm I wonder how long that will last?
Do ABF move on quickly? He seems like he is over the relationship before he's even left. I just feel like crying all the bloody time.
He got a new job today. He is relieved and happy and he is the person I remember from 2 months ago. However, when I question him when he's moving out and where to, he is smiling and laughing. He seems happy to be moving on, and it makes me angry. He says he is moving in with his drunk friend...says that he told him he wants no parties though. Hmm I wonder how long that will last?
Do ABF move on quickly? He seems like he is over the relationship before he's even left. I just feel like crying all the bloody time.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Brolynbub 
Do ABF move on quickly? He seems like he is over the relationship before he's even left.
If you can get the focus off of him and onto you, you'll start to feel better and do better. If Alanon hasn't been recommended to you yet, I'd like to recommend it now, as well as the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Any Alanon literature you can get your hands on is good, too--try Amazon and/or your local library. There is only one person whose life you can change, and that is your own.
I understand the anger you feel, now that he has a job and a happy attitude--these are all things you feel he owes YOU. It looks like you're just not good enough to deserve those things from him, right? It must be your fault.
There is a saying in AA and Alanon--"More will be revealed." Let him go. Take care of yourself by getting to meetings and educating yourself about alcoholism as well as codependence. I'd be willing to bet that as time goes by, you'll see things in a whole new light. What seems like a terrible loss now will start to look more like a gift of freedom!
Again, take care of yourself. Wishing you strength and clarity.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
