I'm new here and Ive come to the end of my patience
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 45
I'm new here and Ive come to the end of my patience
This is difficult for me, not just because it opens up wounds, but because it's not just about me.
I was a single mum for 7 years, my son and I are very close and he is my world. I began dating a friend of a friend 2.5 years ago, he seemed nice, was sweet, geeky and had a son who he had 4 nights a fortnight. We dated for only 4 months before we moved in together, it was a whirlwind romance and I thought I had found my soul mate....however looking back there were many red flags that I should have paid attention to.
When I had a miscarriage is when I think it began to go pear shaped, it was 6 months into our relationship. Prior to this we fought regularly but usually over the children, mine is a nerd, his is special needs.
When things started to go bad they went nasty, I was sad and when I stopped trying while trying to feel better myself, he went nuts. He would drink all the time, not knowing when to stop, would disappear to the club every day and gamble and always chose his drinking buddies over family. Him and my son argued a lot and he would rant and rave at my son, throw his toys etc...completely different behaviour compared to how he treats his own son.
His son has always been a bone of contention, he wants his son to have no rules and I won't allow it in MY house.
Anyway as you are all aware when the drinking started so would the unreasonable behaviour, the verbal abuse and the waking me up at all hours to listen to whatever was urgent at the time. The next day would be the emotional abuse, where nobody loves me yadda yadda .
I kicked him out a year ago, he lived with a housemate and the way he lived was so upsetting, I begged him to go to see a doctor and he was put on antidepressants and asked to go to counselling. He started off ok. He lied to the dr about how much he drinks and is almost in denial for himself.
When he moved back in, we had discussed everything, I knew he was working on his drinking, he was seeing a counsellor he was taking antidepressants etc.
He has been here 3 months. Already it's like living a nightmare, he disappears, won't come home at all unless his son is here, and it's only for show. I am expected to babysit his kid all the time while getting abused for not loving him, being a **** parent, a horrible child care worker et etc.
He argues and torments my son all the time, but when I ask him to stop, says it's my son.
He won't lift a finger to help, he treats me like his slave, he contributes nothing financially, yet expects me to provide all the food and everything for his son and himself.
He is so nasty to me. I told him I had had enough and I want him out again and he says I am screwing him over, cause I knew he drinks when he moved in. Yes, I did, but I didn't sign up for this crap. His life is quite literally spiralling out of control and all I want to do is protect my son. I don't drink at all, just don't enjoy it, my son has never seen this behaviour, I am devastated that I am putting the most important person through this crap.
I spoke to his mum yesterday and she said she is proud of me for having the self respect to get rid of him...oh my goodness, from his mum?
I was a single mum for 7 years, my son and I are very close and he is my world. I began dating a friend of a friend 2.5 years ago, he seemed nice, was sweet, geeky and had a son who he had 4 nights a fortnight. We dated for only 4 months before we moved in together, it was a whirlwind romance and I thought I had found my soul mate....however looking back there were many red flags that I should have paid attention to.
When I had a miscarriage is when I think it began to go pear shaped, it was 6 months into our relationship. Prior to this we fought regularly but usually over the children, mine is a nerd, his is special needs.
When things started to go bad they went nasty, I was sad and when I stopped trying while trying to feel better myself, he went nuts. He would drink all the time, not knowing when to stop, would disappear to the club every day and gamble and always chose his drinking buddies over family. Him and my son argued a lot and he would rant and rave at my son, throw his toys etc...completely different behaviour compared to how he treats his own son.
His son has always been a bone of contention, he wants his son to have no rules and I won't allow it in MY house.
Anyway as you are all aware when the drinking started so would the unreasonable behaviour, the verbal abuse and the waking me up at all hours to listen to whatever was urgent at the time. The next day would be the emotional abuse, where nobody loves me yadda yadda .
I kicked him out a year ago, he lived with a housemate and the way he lived was so upsetting, I begged him to go to see a doctor and he was put on antidepressants and asked to go to counselling. He started off ok. He lied to the dr about how much he drinks and is almost in denial for himself.
When he moved back in, we had discussed everything, I knew he was working on his drinking, he was seeing a counsellor he was taking antidepressants etc.
He has been here 3 months. Already it's like living a nightmare, he disappears, won't come home at all unless his son is here, and it's only for show. I am expected to babysit his kid all the time while getting abused for not loving him, being a **** parent, a horrible child care worker et etc.
He argues and torments my son all the time, but when I ask him to stop, says it's my son.
He won't lift a finger to help, he treats me like his slave, he contributes nothing financially, yet expects me to provide all the food and everything for his son and himself.
He is so nasty to me. I told him I had had enough and I want him out again and he says I am screwing him over, cause I knew he drinks when he moved in. Yes, I did, but I didn't sign up for this crap. His life is quite literally spiralling out of control and all I want to do is protect my son. I don't drink at all, just don't enjoy it, my son has never seen this behaviour, I am devastated that I am putting the most important person through this crap.
I spoke to his mum yesterday and she said she is proud of me for having the self respect to get rid of him...oh my goodness, from his mum?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
I'm sorry you are going through this, but welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of support here.
I hope you can get him out of your home. You don't deserve this treatment and your son certainly doesn't. Your son is, of course, the most important person in this situation. No one deserves abuse and there is NO excuse for it.
Don't listen to his whining. He's a loser and it's just sad that his own child has to deal with having him as a father. That isn't your battle though. Your own son's welfare is what you should be most concerned about.
I hope you'll come back and post often. It will help. We're here to support you. (((HUGS)))
I hope you can get him out of your home. You don't deserve this treatment and your son certainly doesn't. Your son is, of course, the most important person in this situation. No one deserves abuse and there is NO excuse for it.
Don't listen to his whining. He's a loser and it's just sad that his own child has to deal with having him as a father. That isn't your battle though. Your own son's welfare is what you should be most concerned about.
I hope you'll come back and post often. It will help. We're here to support you. (((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
He has been here 3 months. Already it's like living a nightmare, he disappears, won't come home at all unless his son is here, and it's only for show. I am expected to babysit his kid all the time while getting abused for not loving him, being a **** parent, a horrible child care worker et etc.
He argues and torments my son all the time, but when I ask him to stop, says it's my son.
He won't lift a finger to help, he treats me like his slave, he contributes nothing financially, yet expects me to provide all the food and everything for his son and himself.
He is so nasty to me.
What are you getting out of this relationship? Because your son's welfare is involved (his treatment of your son is ABUSE), I'm gonna tell you to toss him out. This will only get worse- as you've seen it already has. His guilt tripping is a load of nonsense- he just doesn't want his free ride to end. It has nothing to do with you.
You're making a choice to let him stay with you and it is making you miserable. It's time to make a different choice. Sending strength your way. Take care and thanks for posting. I'm sorry for what brought you here, but you're in the right place.
He argues and torments my son all the time, but when I ask him to stop, says it's my son.
He won't lift a finger to help, he treats me like his slave, he contributes nothing financially, yet expects me to provide all the food and everything for his son and himself.
He is so nasty to me.
What are you getting out of this relationship? Because your son's welfare is involved (his treatment of your son is ABUSE), I'm gonna tell you to toss him out. This will only get worse- as you've seen it already has. His guilt tripping is a load of nonsense- he just doesn't want his free ride to end. It has nothing to do with you.
You're making a choice to let him stay with you and it is making you miserable. It's time to make a different choice. Sending strength your way. Take care and thanks for posting. I'm sorry for what brought you here, but you're in the right place.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: CA
Posts: 648
The best way to get out of this situation is to BREAK IT OFF. You don't need this, and your son especially doesn't need this either. Get rid of him. You don't deserve to be treated the way you are and your son doesn't deserve to be living in a house where there is anger and tension all around. He deserves a healthy and happy home, which doesn't include this man.
Break it off.
Break it off.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 45
I'm so grateful to have somewhere to vent, thank you for all your positive responses, it has made me realise I am no in the wrong despite what he has said.
I am getting told off today as I am very upset over the whole thing. Because I have tried to shut off from him emotionally so I can stay strong he is hammering me with nastiness. It's draining, and I am grateful I am off to work.
He has tried to say that I am always like this and he has one bad day and he is the worst in the world, but I am like this all the time. I am getting accused of being rude to him and not including him. I am absolutely gutted because I start wondering if I am this horrible person he says I am?
I get along with most people, but he is just driving me insane. I literally feel as though I am going crazy.
I feel used and in response to a question, I am getting nothing from this relationship.
He thinks because he hasn't had a drink for a week and this morning he cleaned the kitchen that he has wiped the slate clean. His nasty attitude though is pushed on to me and I am like it apparently...although maybe I am, I do tend to get angry and retaliate and then he is like "see" it's not me...blah blah..anyway thanks again ;-(
I am getting told off today as I am very upset over the whole thing. Because I have tried to shut off from him emotionally so I can stay strong he is hammering me with nastiness. It's draining, and I am grateful I am off to work.
He has tried to say that I am always like this and he has one bad day and he is the worst in the world, but I am like this all the time. I am getting accused of being rude to him and not including him. I am absolutely gutted because I start wondering if I am this horrible person he says I am?
I get along with most people, but he is just driving me insane. I literally feel as though I am going crazy.
I feel used and in response to a question, I am getting nothing from this relationship.
He thinks because he hasn't had a drink for a week and this morning he cleaned the kitchen that he has wiped the slate clean. His nasty attitude though is pushed on to me and I am like it apparently...although maybe I am, I do tend to get angry and retaliate and then he is like "see" it's not me...blah blah..anyway thanks again ;-(
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
You kicked him out before...you can kick him out again. Don't bother concerning yourself with how he lives once he is out of your home. Your child is much more important than this asshat.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
He has tried to say that I am always like this and he has one bad day and he is the worst in the world, but I am like this all the time. I am getting accused of being rude to him and not including him. I am absolutely gutted because I start wondering if I am this horrible person he says I am?
This is called projection. He is putting his negative qualities onto you. As for his nastiness, he is trying to provoke a response so that his behavior seems justified and he can keep tying you up in knots and throw you off balance, making you doubt yourself. If he's been sober for a week, then he's probably also looking for a reason to start a big blowup so he can have an excuse to storm off and go drinking. My axb did all of these things too. The more I detached, the nastier he would get trying to make me engage.
You feel crazy because you are powerless over him and your life has become unmanageable. You might want to read the stickies at the top of the page, they have a lot of helpful information. The one titled "About Abuse" has lots of great threads that really helped me to see my situation clearly. The ones on verbal and emotional abuse were very informative for me, though toward the end of the relationship (I moved out for good with the kids about 6 months ago) there was an escalation to physical violence against me and threats of it towards the kids.
This is his version of cleaning himself up because he senses that you are on the edge of tossing him out. Frankly I'm not impressed with his efforts. You sound like a caring person who deserves much more that what he has to offer.
This is called projection. He is putting his negative qualities onto you. As for his nastiness, he is trying to provoke a response so that his behavior seems justified and he can keep tying you up in knots and throw you off balance, making you doubt yourself. If he's been sober for a week, then he's probably also looking for a reason to start a big blowup so he can have an excuse to storm off and go drinking. My axb did all of these things too. The more I detached, the nastier he would get trying to make me engage.
You feel crazy because you are powerless over him and your life has become unmanageable. You might want to read the stickies at the top of the page, they have a lot of helpful information. The one titled "About Abuse" has lots of great threads that really helped me to see my situation clearly. The ones on verbal and emotional abuse were very informative for me, though toward the end of the relationship (I moved out for good with the kids about 6 months ago) there was an escalation to physical violence against me and threats of it towards the kids.
This is his version of cleaning himself up because he senses that you are on the edge of tossing him out. Frankly I'm not impressed with his efforts. You sound like a caring person who deserves much more that what he has to offer.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Welcome to SR, I'm sorry you had to find it because of these circumstances.
Even putting the drinking aside, he's not behaving like a loving partner is he?
- you're supporting him financially and socially (this on it's own would be a deal breaker for me, no-one messes with my security)
- he's abusing your son
- he's dumping his son on you and won't discipline him
- he's mentally abusing you
Why are you allowing him to do this to you? He's had his second chance - kick his ass out and don't delay. In my opinion.
Even putting the drinking aside, he's not behaving like a loving partner is he?
- you're supporting him financially and socially (this on it's own would be a deal breaker for me, no-one messes with my security)
- he's abusing your son
- he's dumping his son on you and won't discipline him
- he's mentally abusing you
Why are you allowing him to do this to you? He's had his second chance - kick his ass out and don't delay. In my opinion.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Brolynbub, Welcome!
Although I'm really sorry to hear about what brings you to SR, I'm glad you found us! Please keep reading around the boards....you will find that there are many stories like yours. You really are not alone!
Sometimes, it's hard to admit to ourselves that someone we love who allegedly loves us could be abusive, but that's what this man sounds like to me. I hope you will take the time to read through the information at this link. I think you will find it to be familiar and eye-opening at the same time.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
You are not crazy, and you do not deserve to be treated the way he is treating you! I hope you will stick around!
Although I'm really sorry to hear about what brings you to SR, I'm glad you found us! Please keep reading around the boards....you will find that there are many stories like yours. You really are not alone!
Sometimes, it's hard to admit to ourselves that someone we love who allegedly loves us could be abusive, but that's what this man sounds like to me. I hope you will take the time to read through the information at this link. I think you will find it to be familiar and eye-opening at the same time.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
You are not crazy, and you do not deserve to be treated the way he is treating you! I hope you will stick around!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 45
Thanks for the links, I read through them...scary to think I thought this behaviour was normal and there was something wrong with me that I couldn't handle these behaviours.
I spoke with a friend last night who had a similar experience and it was amazing how many similarities there are. I find it sad, but I have also realised I may need to go to counselling or something as this type of relationship is all I have known, in the past 15 years or so...I have only ever had relationships with people like this. I don't know where to start but I definitely need some guidance :-)
I spoke with a friend last night who had a similar experience and it was amazing how many similarities there are. I find it sad, but I have also realised I may need to go to counselling or something as this type of relationship is all I have known, in the past 15 years or so...I have only ever had relationships with people like this. I don't know where to start but I definitely need some guidance :-)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
this type of relationship is all I have known, in the past 15 years or so...I have only ever had relationships with people like this.
Like most of the folks here, your "picker" is broken. Things happen to us in early life that we carry with us and that affect our adult behavior and relationships. I grew up with an alcoholic father and a mentally ill mother, between that and other things that happened during my childhood, it really did a number on me. I've had a terrible track record with relationships.
Once you get him out of the house- even before that, if you're still waffling, it would be a good time to do some healing for yourself. I think individual counseling is a great idea. I'm doing that now, and I've also been going to Alanon. Both of those things have helped me a lot. Is there a meeting you could get to and check out?
Sending big hugs your way. Take care.
Like most of the folks here, your "picker" is broken. Things happen to us in early life that we carry with us and that affect our adult behavior and relationships. I grew up with an alcoholic father and a mentally ill mother, between that and other things that happened during my childhood, it really did a number on me. I've had a terrible track record with relationships.
Once you get him out of the house- even before that, if you're still waffling, it would be a good time to do some healing for yourself. I think individual counseling is a great idea. I'm doing that now, and I've also been going to Alanon. Both of those things have helped me a lot. Is there a meeting you could get to and check out?
Sending big hugs your way. Take care.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
