Eleonora

I have been drinking since i was young, about the age of 17. The normal teenage blunders one engages in when they drink too much very much enabled me to hide my drinking problem because everyone at first drinks too much and is sick or passes out or is rude or does something stupid. At this stage I wasn't aware myself of a drinking problem, I just suspected that it was very much part of the growing up right of passage. Slowly but surely though (and I'm sure many problem drinkers experience this) I was discovering that whilst everyone else's drinking became more controlled mine was becoming worse, they were experiencing less evenings stumbling or vomiting and my evenings on the other hand drinking escalated, violence, sex with people I didn't want to have sex with and even an arrest. To a normal person reading this, it appears to be so simple, my friends who often had to deal with my erratic drunken behaviour would say to me 'why don't you just give up'. I pushed several friends to their limit and even lost so,e completely but still my denial and desire to be 'normal' and indulge in social drinking was too much of a pull. Instead of giving entirely, what usually happened is after any particularly bad evening where Id have gotten into a fight or lost another phone or been so rude and done something embaracing I would usually give up for a while, cry a lot, riddled with guilt and self disgust and I'd make a pitiful effort to stick to it. It never lasted this period of abstinence and soon I'd be having wine with dinner or a beer or two after work. Sometimes these events were fine, i would be in a level of control and thus allowing me to trick myself into thinking I was maturing, growing into handling my drink, viewing those crazy days of times past as testimony to my extreme personality and party girl image, feeling I'd left it all behind. Of course another tragic night was never far away, it wouldn't take much for another awful night to occur.

The most recent evenings include ending up at a drug dealers house who became violent with me, scaring me so much I had to get the police involved but chickened out of prosecuting this man because the alcoholic within you believes it was absolutely your fault. Another occasion I urinated on my boyfriends balcony in front of his house guests and more recently after a tame dinner date where I drank two bottles of wine with a old friend but rather than go home as she did afterwards I decided to go out and continue drinking by myself with no money and just my heavy self hateful heart. During this night I rang my boyfriend on the house phone at two thirty in the morning shouting profanities at him for no reason at all. All these things occur during a blackout or within fragmented moments.

My boyfriend the following morning basically was threatening to break up with me, he has had to deal with this consistently now for over a year. I could sense the detached tone in his voice, his complete dislike for even hearing my voice. This has been gradual decline for him, we have spoken about my issues with alcohol for months and he has been understanding, he told me that morning that he just doesn't see me changing. He said that after every drinking event I vow and talk and ******** about it not being a priority anymore, that I don't wish to be this person anymore yada yada yada and still in occurs again.
I was a shell of grief and shame and disgust. I asked myself how much more ends to happen for me to stop?

I took that moment to finally decide enough was enough but I know just how hard it has been in the past, how I have been so utterly convinced to not drink and have eventually succumbed to it again and so the spiral starts up again.

I don't know if I have ruined the possibility of saving my relationship but what I do know is that I have to do this for me and not my relationship, my relationship getting better should be a bi product of finally taking care of myself.

What I am struggling with the most at the moment is the self hate that this seven year affair with booze has left me. I feel worthless, unworthy and my life is in tatters. Following my aunts death a year ago I still havnt been able to muster up the courage to actually make something of my self even though I have the capabilities to do so. Instead i mope around creating even more hate for myself.
The alcohol and not drinking and the person who I am constantly avoid becoming when I do drink is a constant worry. In turn this makes me feel like I am an intrinsically dark, devil person.

Does anyone else share similar stories ?
Excuse the sp mistakes and or typos I'm using my iPad

least

Welcome to SR! I too was filled with self hatred and shame and guilt all the time. Didn't like who I was becoming. After too many tries I finally succeeded and am now sober. It was worth the effort.

I hope the support here can help you stay sober for good.

Hevyn

Welcome Eleonora - it's great you found us. You never have to struggle alone with this - we all understand.

I've had those same feelings - remorse, guilt, shame. Yet I went on trying to control the amounts I drank for decades. You're facing up to the problem and reaching out for help. Be proud that you've made the decision to change your life. I would advise you to stop berating yourself for having an addiction. You are not worthless - you're an alcoholic - and you're about to recover. It's going to feel so good to be free of it.

GreenBottles

I would only have to change a few lines above and that is just another way of summing up my own story!

KateL

That was actually the key to my recovery, building my self esteem. I don't think I ever had that much of it, even before I started drinking. You can work on getting it back again and starting over, I did xxxxx

GreenBottles

Yeh the last paragraph about the disappointment of how many times you have been here before and then quit and then gone down that slope again with all the pathways and excuses and so on that ends you back up here at Day 1, well I think that is the reason people on this forum put so much focus on the 24HR Club. That would suggest that they all feel exactly the same fear. So they realised that they just conquer each and every day, one by one, so to never forget, that the next 24 hours I am not drinking, nothing. Then next day they check in, and say it again.

Eleonora

Thank you

bluepoppy

hiya
I'm new here, I just posted something recently about drinking and smoking pot at a party last week. I fell down the stairs and broke my arm and have been ordered to stay at home with my arm in a sling while I'm on medication. My boyfriend stayed up all night with me at the ER, then had to drive me home, pick up my prescriptions, attempt to undress me which was really difficult because I kept screaming in pain. I feel terrible about what I put myself through but also what I put him through, my friends are trying to be sympathetic but I feel very ashamed and guilty. I think I've reached a turning point myself because I don't know how I can prevent something from doing something equally as stupid if I start up again. I could have died. If you keep hurting ppl when you drink (including yourself) then how can you let yourself do it anymore?

Anyway just to let you know you're no alone in this self loathing feeling... I am seeing a therapist next week to figure out where I go from here.

Anna

Yes, absolutely, I felt like that. Please know that this is the nature of the disease of alcoholism. It's how it keeps you hooked and prevents you from recovering. Take that leap of faith and know for sure that you are a good person and you can achieve your dreams. As you recover, you will regain self-respect and things will improve.

Eleonora

Hey, thanks for the input, I really do connect with you. For me the part of it hardest to admit is using the word alcoholic and since I can remember I have been trying to stay away from it. You said you are seeing a therapist, I think I should as well, I'm new to this too. I hope you heal fast and try and minimise the guilt you feel for it and instead use it like coal to fire your desire to be the best version of you free from alcohol. God knows I'm trying, I just have such little confidence in myself

SillyString

Eleonora -
Hi there! Welcome. I can relate to the self-loathing. I used to always say to others, and myself that this "isn't really me", it isn't who I am, (referring to when I got drunk and did/said awful things). After several years of justifying my drinking and my behavior to myself by saying, it's just the alcohol, it's not me...I started thinking - well, maybe I am acting like some awful person, some awful version of myself, then maybe I am turning into that person. That's part of what forced me to confront this head on. I realized that the nice girl I had been before was pretty much unavailable most of the time because of either drinking of recovering from hangovers. I didn't know who I was anymore, but I didn't like what I saw. I didn't want to BE that person.

I only have 27 days this time around, but I really feel like I'm going to make it. I already am feeling so much better about myself. You can do it too!

EndGameNYC

It's your time, Eleonora. You've found your sober voice, and it speaks most eloquently. Even on an iPad. It's the voice of an old soul.

Like many of us, you've paid a heavy price to get where you are. All that pain and suffering...don't let it amount to nothing.

What happens next is up to you. How does it feel to be in charge of living your own life instead of living someone else's life? A life that you were never meant to live?

GreenBottles

Exactly! If you go drink then at some part you might find a few hours in there where those negative thoughts went away.
I thought you were feeling bad about these things and then a few drinks later your brain gives you a break and rewards you by taking away the negative thoughts. So who is this Devil? Its not you.

Does the Proverbs line about wine say that only bad people will do bad things when drinking wine?

---------------------
"Proverbs 23:29-35

Who has woe? Who has sorrow? Who has strife? Who has complaining? Who has wounds without cause? Who has redness of eyes? Those who tarry long over wine; those who go to try mixed wine. Do not look at wine when it is red, when it sparkles in the cup and goes down smoothly. In the end it bites like a serpent and stings like an adder. Your eyes will see strange things, and your heart utter perverse things."

--------------------

GreenBottles

When you are born you are open to all suggestions of systems to adopt.
I see the quote above like I see the one I am leaning on below by Bob Dylan,
"Those who are not busy being born are busy dying."

soberhawk

Welcome to SR Elonora.

The great thing is that it can change, you do not need to continue to go through this.

Pipping

You do not need to go through all of this drama all of the time. It's exhausting isn't it? Taking booze out of the equation will change your life. I have had 3 months sober so by no means an expert but I can tell you that my life no longer revolves around hating myself and waking up ashamed and wanting to disappear. Keep reading and posting. We have all been where you are to a lesser or greater degree but what we all have in common is the knowledge that drinking is ruining our lives. All the best.xx

Eleonora

I'm sure this is a common kind of post but yesterday I had a bad episode resulting in vomiting, being thrown out of my (now ex) best friend and boyfriends home after being abusive both physically and verbally. I don't remember a thing apart from being at a bar with my best friend and taking a picture of us after a couple bottles of wine next thing I know I'm in a bathroom covered in my own sick being screamed at to leave. I had no recollection of why I was there, how I got there, I didn't even remember being sick. I can't even convey how I feel today but this story is something that I can't even put into words. To have fallen victim to my own internal conversations about how 'I have things under control' if I've had an evening and only had two glasses of wine it's like I manage to forget all the bad times. For the most part I am so exhausted by this factor in my life, it so entirely draining and all it does it breed self hate. Yet I fall into its jaws time and time again after a period of time of abstinence. Because I want to be normal, because it want to be easy, because I long to feel in control of my social life. Instead in continue to push away those who I love, including my boyfriend who at this point is through with the drama and ********. I've lost so many people, yet I continue.

Anna

Eleanora, it's NOT easy, so expect it to be hard to stop drinking and recover.

And, don't underestimate the cunning of the disease of alcoholism. It will lurk, trick you, turn your thinking processes upside down. It will do all of those things, while convincing you that you're managing. Most of us have been there, and I think it's hard to see when in the midst of it. But, you are blacking out and that is so dangerous. It's especially dangerous for a young woman. I blacked out too, and even after all these years, I still occasionally wonder what happened. Those segments of your life are gone forever. Please take care of yourself. Stop drinking and get the help you need.

Dee74

I'm sorry Eleonora - that must have been dreadful.

To me, so I don't forget things like that, I need to work on my recovery every day.

It can be as simple as posting here, or joining AA or some other recovery group or seeing a Dr....

Whatever path you choose to help you stay sober, I think you have to accept that your alcoholism is for keeps, and that change is not only inevitable in your life, but preferable to the kinds of things that have happened to you over the past couple of days...

It's never too late to change - I'm glad you made your way back here

D

LBrain

My HEART goes out to you Eleonora. It must have been dreadful to say the least. Please use this episode as a weapon against the enemy - alcohol.
Follow Dee's advice. It's important to not wait too long before you act. You are dealing with extreme emotions and perhaps self hatred right now. Do not dwell on it. Seek help as soon as you can. These are times to not isolate.