involved

I read here daily but dont post much, but today I need some feeddback. Iam in a long distance relationship with a RA in early recovery. During our time together there have been issues i have had, concerning "friendships" with other women. I dont know how far they have gone and can only speculate because he is a sneaky manipulative hiding lyeing alcoholic. So I will not let my mind race or deny. All I know is that it is a boundry for me as it puts stress on long distance relationship. Well we seemed to have put an end to this friendship thing as he has gotten more sober...he is an A who fears being alone. I found out about these women because I am a suspicious neurotic who will go looking for trouble because of a gut instinct. I know that my behavior needs work...and I am trying to whiteknuckle my self! Before you ask I have only been to one meeting but have read co dependant no more and am listening to al anon speakers. Any ways the other women have been out of the picture for a couple of months but my trust and insecurities are still there. He calls me several times a day early in the morning his time and always at my bed time. He was quiet yesterday and when we did talk he was iritable... i asked him after some picking if he had something he wanted to talk about and he said everything was fine so I pointed out his picking and shortness...Last night I he went to his brothers to watch the game and gave me the song and dance about his sister in law was not feeling well and they were only having pizza for snacks because ...quack quack quack...so I open my facebook randomly and what do you know there is a pic posted with him, his brother and sister in law and her cousin who happens to be one of the women "friends" in question that his sister in law tried to fix him up with shortly after his moving out there! Slap in the face punch in the stomach...the pic was innocent he wasnt even standing near her but wtf! So of course i call him and tell him I have had enough of his lies and he goes into denying and defensive mode...and He has me on speaker phone and i am facebook messageing her is there anything going on...she says no and never has been....so the whole thing is innocent enough but, i feel like he lied by omission and if he had any respect for our relationship he should have made me aware that she would be there! Yes I would still have freaked because of my issues but i would have had a feeling that he was trying to rebuild trust by being forth coming and honest...that is his program after all!! And yes he works at it at his speed not mine. So I sat in the bath tub with a bottle of wine and cried for 2 hours and thought hard about the 3 c's the first 3 steps, my part in this, and decided I need to let go of this relationship because It has made me into someone I dont like...and told him so this morning thru his screaming denial and defending that he did nothing wrong. So my question is for all you black belt al anons...does he have an obligation to me to have been forthcoming about her being there?

spiderqueen

Hi involved:
I don't mean to sound harsh, but I am wondering why a person with trust and security issues would chose ^^^^^^^ for a partner - or a long-distance relationship, for that matter.

Are you working with a therapist? Therapy has helped me unlock the reasons behind my tendency to chose unavailable/unsuitable men. I seem to be hoping for some kind of healing or help from the very person responsible for causing me pain. Unfortunately, it rarely plays out that way.

I hope things get better for you.

allysen

Nothing good ever comes out of Facebook!!! Part of a long distance relationship means a lot of unknowns about the other person's day-to-day life. If you're not prepared for that, then this likely isn't going to be a successful relationship. You identify yourself as a person who 'will go looking for trouble.' Well, you found it but it's made you miserable. Time to find a better way?

Brave

The feelings in your gut, the half-truths, shady female 'friends,' the defensiveness... all are red flags. You don't trust him because... well, because he isn't trustworthy.

DesertArizona

Its always been my understanding that relationships ruin drug/alcohol recovery, at least early on. It sounds like a big mess anyway, like a typical crappy relationship. Why would you want to have one.

marie1960

Long distance relationships are challenging in the best of circumstances.

First, you state he is a " sneaky, manipulative, hiding, alcoholic "

Next you go on to say you don't trust him.

I think you have answered your own questions here.

IMHO, you have an expectation of a relationship with this guy, and this guy currently cannot provide/offer/give you what you are in need of.

Sorry you are feeling so crappy, I can only suggest you have a long heart to heart with yourself.

I believe you already realize you deserve better.

I believe we all deserve honesty in a relationship, and you obviously do too.

DesertArizona

Eh... women think that about every man. I bet he's a perfectly normal, reasonable person.

Eddiebuckle

No, because you have decided to let go of the relationship. So let it go - entirely. To do otherwise is simply manufacturing drama in your own life. Trust your decision, and honor it by following through with it.

iamthird

You dont trust him. That is no way to live.