bad night sleep last night
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bad night sleep last night
I had a bad night sleep last night kept tossing and turning. I woke up feeling blah this morning. I feel like I have a hole in me.
Although I have been separated from AH for months now I woke up feeling sad. I had to go somewhere early this morning and was listening to the radio and the thoughts of being kissed and told "I love you" stuck in my head.(stupid country)
I know logically that I am the happiest alone I ever have been than with AH and I don't want him back. I know we will be divorcing but I guess what I am saying is I felt lonely
I wouldn't dream of dating anyone now especially since I am still married ( I respect the marriage arrangement) and will wait till i'm divorced but I felt guilty of even trying to picture myself with a healthy partner. Alot of my friends keep telling me how excited they are we aren't together and want me to be with someone else. I know they mean well but I am focused on just me.
I refuse to lower my expectations when I start dating again and will never be in this situation again. I was watching Shrek lastnight on TV and was thinking wow even an ogar knows how to treat his wife better hahahahha
I hope this makes sense. I don't know if I should post first thing in the morning. lol
Although I have been separated from AH for months now I woke up feeling sad. I had to go somewhere early this morning and was listening to the radio and the thoughts of being kissed and told "I love you" stuck in my head.(stupid country)
I know logically that I am the happiest alone I ever have been than with AH and I don't want him back. I know we will be divorcing but I guess what I am saying is I felt lonely
I wouldn't dream of dating anyone now especially since I am still married ( I respect the marriage arrangement) and will wait till i'm divorced but I felt guilty of even trying to picture myself with a healthy partner. Alot of my friends keep telling me how excited they are we aren't together and want me to be with someone else. I know they mean well but I am focused on just me.
I refuse to lower my expectations when I start dating again and will never be in this situation again. I was watching Shrek lastnight on TV and was thinking wow even an ogar knows how to treat his wife better hahahahha
I hope this makes sense. I don't know if I should post first thing in the morning. lol
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
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Originally Posted by Radiant 
I was watching Shrek lastnight on TV and was thinking wow even an ogar knows how to treat his wife better hahahahha
lol
lol
He will be moving out right after Valentine's Day and all these stupid, freaking, happy, romantic commercials are giving me major rage issues, lol. Valentine's Day SUCKS! I'm getting some of the comments about finding Mr. Wonderful, too, and to be honest, am NOT finding them helpful. Maybe because I know I am not near ready to date? (& like you would not do so til the divorce is final.) Sorry, I know that's not the least bit helpful
I just mostly wanted you to know that you're not alone! We will get through this though, that, I'm sure of 
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 93
I'm so sorry you are going through this but you are NOT alone. Remembering the "good" times is natural. I find myself doing the same thing. Its only been 6 weeks since my AH and I separated and its been really lonely and tough. He was my best friend!!!! I really hate this disease, its just so baffling!
I agree with you....better to wait to start dating again. Someone told me that it takes 3 years to get over a traumatic event. Yikes, that's a long time! My childhood friend was just in contact with me and shared her experience with addiction. Her first TWO husbands were addicts and now she is dating a RA!! Somehow she continues to surround herself with addiction. She even furthered her education and became an addiction specialist. This scares me to death!
What has been working for me is to constantly keep myself busy: read a lot, exercise, church, counseling and spend as much time as I can with my kids. They need me right now.
From reading all the other posts on here, I really do believe this will get easier in time and a better life is in store for us! Praying so at least. Hugs to you!
I agree with you....better to wait to start dating again. Someone told me that it takes 3 years to get over a traumatic event. Yikes, that's a long time! My childhood friend was just in contact with me and shared her experience with addiction. Her first TWO husbands were addicts and now she is dating a RA!! Somehow she continues to surround herself with addiction. She even furthered her education and became an addiction specialist. This scares me to death!
What has been working for me is to constantly keep myself busy: read a lot, exercise, church, counseling and spend as much time as I can with my kids. They need me right now.
From reading all the other posts on here, I really do believe this will get easier in time and a better life is in store for us! Praying so at least. Hugs to you!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
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I feel the same. I just set the appointment with my attorney to move forward with filing for divorce from ADH. It just makes it all that much more "real" and I feel sad. Logically I know its the right thing to do, but its sad and lonely especially this time of year when "love" is in the air. This disease sucks but I have faith in my HP that things will get easier. its nice to know I am not alone. Thanks for sharing.
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Originally Posted by Radiant
I was watching Shrek lastnight on TV and was thinking wow even an ogar knows how to treat his wife better hahahahha
I hope this makes sense. I don't know if I should post first thing in the morning. lol
I hope this makes sense. I don't know if I should post first thing in the morning. lol
I love country music too..might be time to take a break from all those sad azz stories.
Sorry Im not helpful, but youre not alone!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 213
Radiant,
I feel sorry that you feel alone, but, I am happy for you that you are. Does that make sense? It means you love yourself again. It means you know that you are better and you deserve better. You my friend, are doing what some people here are trying to do.
When you decide to look I know that you know go s-l-o-w-l-y And then go s-l-o-w-e-r . When you say you won't settle DON'T. Most of all I am going to give you advice I wish would have given to myself and advice I do give to my girls:
"never say this relationship is better than-------" Just make sure it is better. I have found that when I say "better than" it means I'm settling.
Be well,
BTW we are "here" with you.
I feel sorry that you feel alone, but, I am happy for you that you are. Does that make sense? It means you love yourself again. It means you know that you are better and you deserve better. You my friend, are doing what some people here are trying to do.
When you decide to look I know that you know go s-l-o-w-l-y And then go s-l-o-w-e-r . When you say you won't settle DON'T. Most of all I am going to give you advice I wish would have given to myself and advice I do give to my girls:
"never say this relationship is better than-------" Just make sure it is better. I have found that when I say "better than" it means I'm settling.
Be well,
BTW we are "here" with you.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Aren't songs the worst? They are nostalgic yet full of codependency. I experience what you described. I like being without AH, it's so much more peaceful and predictable, but I miss being married (or the good parts of it). It can be so lonely. My mom pointed out to me that the word 'alone' also could be read as 'all one.' I've been with my husband for 22 years and I guess it takes time to get adjusted to being on our own and learning to focus on self.
PS, love the Shrek analogy!
PS, love the Shrek analogy!
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 65
Sending you hugs. I'm in the same basic set up as you, re STBXAH and oddly enough, even though I put him out 5 months ago, this morning I had really strong pangs of missing who he was. I'm guessing now that we are reasonably settled here there is time for an element of reflection for good and bad times and loneliness to kick in too. I'm not sure I'm even terribly lonely but I miss what I thought I had and what we had planned for the future. Everything feels quite uncertain with unpredictable divorce demands etc, but in a day to say basis my children and I run happily and calmly at full steam. Im so glad I'm not the only one who has these feelings in the midst of everything! It's just such a waste of a person, isn't it? I'm starting to feel a deep pity for AH although I could never overlook his treatment of my children and I. Loving all the previous posters on your thread. We are not alone! (((-:
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I feel like I have a hole in me.
Whether you believe in a God or not, I think expecting another person to fill that hole gets us into trouble quite often. You are so wise to not go along with your friends' suggestions that you start dating immediately. I honestly believe that until we are comfortable with ourselves, able to be alone without feeling lonely, we run the risk of selling ourselves short and settling for less than we deserve in relationships.
And may I gently suggest that you stop listening to country music and find some good post-hardcore metal station?
(I think that's what my teens call it... 
) Or make yourself a playlist with encouraging strengthening music? Like All-American Rejects "Gives You Hell" and Destiny's Child's "Independent Women" and "Survivor" and Michael Woods' "Natural High" and Pink's "So What" and Webbie's "Independent" and Yolanda Adams "Victory"?
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Originally Posted by changeneeded
Radiant,
I feel sorry that you feel alone, but, I am happy for you that you are. Does that make sense? It means you love yourself again. It means you know that you are better and you deserve better. You my friend, are doing what some people here are trying to do.
When you decide to look I know that you know go s-l-o-w-l-y And then go s-l-o-w-e-r . When you say you won't settle DON'T. Most of all I am going to give you advice I wish would have given to myself and advice I do give to my girls:
"never say this relationship is better than-------" Just make sure it is better. I have found that when I say "better than" it means I'm settling.
Be well,
BTW we are "here" with you.
I feel sorry that you feel alone, but, I am happy for you that you are. Does that make sense? It means you love yourself again. It means you know that you are better and you deserve better. You my friend, are doing what some people here are trying to do.
When you decide to look I know that you know go s-l-o-w-l-y And then go s-l-o-w-e-r . When you say you won't settle DON'T. Most of all I am going to give you advice I wish would have given to myself and advice I do give to my girls:
"never say this relationship is better than-------" Just make sure it is better. I have found that when I say "better than" it means I'm settling.
Be well,
BTW we are "here" with you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by SoaringSpirits
Aren't songs the worst? They are nostalgic yet full of codependency. I experience what you described. I like being without AH, it's so much more peaceful and predictable, but I miss being married (or the good parts of it). It can be so lonely. My mom pointed out to me that the word 'alone' also could be read as 'all one.' I've been with my husband for 22 years and I guess it takes time to get adjusted to being on our own and learning to focus on self.
PS, love the Shrek analogy!
PS, love the Shrek analogy!
My mom pointed out to me that the word 'alone' also could be read as 'all one.'
For the most part i'm doing pretty well but of course something will trigger.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Originally Posted by lillamy
I want to give you a hug. Because I know what that feels like. Someone -- I have no idea who -- said "everyone has a God-shaped hole in their heart" and that we get into trouble when we try to fill that hole with something that's not God -- like relationships, or alcohol, or excessive exercise, or working all the time...
Whether you believe in a God or not, I think expecting another person to fill that hole gets us into trouble quite often. You are so wise to not go along with your friends' suggestions that you start dating immediately. I honestly believe that until we are comfortable with ourselves, able to be alone without feeling lonely, we run the risk of selling ourselves short and settling for less than we deserve in relationships.
And may I gently suggest that you stop listening to country music and find some good post-hardcore metal station? (I think that's what my teens call it... ) Or make yourself a playlist with encouraging strengthening music? Like All-American Rejects "Gives You Hell" and Destiny's Child's "Independent Women" and "Survivor" and Michael Woods' "Natural High" and Pink's "So What" and Webbie's "Independent" and Yolanda Adams "Victory"?
Whether you believe in a God or not, I think expecting another person to fill that hole gets us into trouble quite often. You are so wise to not go along with your friends' suggestions that you start dating immediately. I honestly believe that until we are comfortable with ourselves, able to be alone without feeling lonely, we run the risk of selling ourselves short and settling for less than we deserve in relationships.
And may I gently suggest that you stop listening to country music and find some good post-hardcore metal station?
(I think that's what my teens call it... ) Or make yourself a playlist with encouraging strengthening music? Like All-American Rejects "Gives You Hell" and Destiny's Child's "Independent Women" and "Survivor" and Michael Woods' "Natural High" and Pink's "So What" and Webbie's "Independent" and Yolanda Adams "Victory"?Ha Ha yes I know about the music here in Texas there is a station I like to listen to the commentary but they play country.
I'm sure this will pass but at the moment i'm dealing with the dredge the feeling is so stinken strong. I keep making myself feel every anger, pain , lost feeling because I want to remember this lesson and never do it again.
The first thing I do now when I talk to people is look at there pupils hahah
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Radiant, I have been separated from DH for 3 months and have had friends talk about setting me up! I know they mean well, but jeeze! I totally get what you're saying.
I am a country fan but I stopped listening to it too--- how about some 90's grunge rock? That's what I'm into right now! lol
Last thing- its natural to be thinking about being with someone, and considering the future in that way. Don't feel guilty about that. ((hugs))
I am a country fan but I stopped listening to it too--- how about some 90's grunge rock? That's what I'm into right now! lol
Last thing- its natural to be thinking about being with someone, and considering the future in that way. Don't feel guilty about that. ((hugs))
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 175
Thank you for posting this Radiant.
I've been separated now for 8 months. Recently, I'm trying to do more work on identifying how I feel (funny how I seemed to have lost this skill when I was still living with an active A) because I all I know is that I just haven't been too happy. Over the past week it suddenly hit me: I feel LONELY. Even though it's not a very desirable emotion, I was soooo relieved that I identified it that I had to laugh.
But, I know I need to enjoy to my own company first so that's what I'm doing. I have no desire to date, or even look, at the moment. So I'm spending extra time with friends and family, and taking my kids to more community events. I signed up for a leadership workshop. I joined two more committees at work. Evenings after the kids go to bed are my 'me' time. I cuddle up in bed with books, tv, magazines, a glass of wine - like a queen!
I've been separated now for 8 months. Recently, I'm trying to do more work on identifying how I feel (funny how I seemed to have lost this skill when I was still living with an active A) because I all I know is that I just haven't been too happy. Over the past week it suddenly hit me: I feel LONELY. Even though it's not a very desirable emotion, I was soooo relieved that I identified it that I had to laugh.
But, I know I need to enjoy to my own company first so that's what I'm doing. I have no desire to date, or even look, at the moment. So I'm spending extra time with friends and family, and taking my kids to more community events. I signed up for a leadership workshop. I joined two more committees at work. Evenings after the kids go to bed are my 'me' time. I cuddle up in bed with books, tv, magazines, a glass of wine - like a queen!
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