Repeating the cycle = Chaos
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: RICHMOND, va
Posts: 85
Repeating the cycle = Chaos
Hello All -
I have been married to my husband for 2 years (almost) we have been together for 4. Before we married, I thought he was in complete rehab and doing well. I had no idea he was using until our wedding day...I found a crack pipe. When I confronted him, he was so convincing and so good at lying, he was able to convince me that he had found the pipe in his step-fathers old van and meant to destroy it, but forgot. Then I found copper wool and baking soda in his car and I knew that he was lying. When I confronted him, he struck me with my purse; swinging it and hitting me in the head. It was too late, we were already married. I sought an annulment but he drew me back in with his promises to change,
It was a year later when I discovered that he was using again; he had spent a good deal of money after a disappearance and had no other choice but to admit that he needed help and he had relapsed. He sought counseling and I kept the money close.
There have been various events and behaviors throughout our life together that have struck me as suspicious, but I had no proof he was using only suspicion. He's always had a convincing lie and been able to manipulate others to get things smoothed over.
He has told me in the past that if I have any doubts he would take a drug test to put my mind at ease. A few weeks ago I had to take his car to work because of snow and I found a knife with white powder all over it, I tested it and it tested positive for cocaine. When I confronted him, he said the knife had been there untouched for over a year. I knew this was not true but couldn't prove it. He hasn't been to work all week this week because he doesn't feel well and has headaches, but today my 15 year old daughter was off of school and told me that he had been acting strange and was leaving the house every 10 minutes coming back shortly and leaving again, too many times for her to count. When I asked him about it, he couldn't even come up with a logical explanation.
I then got home to find a lot of broken copper wool in his pockets (this was always a tell-tale sign before) when I asked him to take an at home drug test he refused. Even when I gave him an ultimatum, he refused, He said he doesn't know what I'm talking about when I mentioned finding the copper wool in his pockets.
He went to his mothers (who is an enabler and believes all of his lies, although he's hocked her television set among other things) and refuses to admit anything. I have been around this site and read some insightful posts. One said that addicts lie because they WANT to continue using. I feel so sure that he is using that I cant accept his explanation, but I offered a sincere apology if the test came back negative, he still refused.
He's gone through drug court 6 years ago and is now on probation for assaulting me last summer during a psychotic rant.
One of his main problems is his mother and her unwillingness to see what hes doing and to not believe his lies.
Im not sure what to do. The logical part of me says to join an alanon group and move(his mother lives less than 5 minutes away) and move on with my life. Its gonna be hard
I have been married to my husband for 2 years (almost) we have been together for 4. Before we married, I thought he was in complete rehab and doing well. I had no idea he was using until our wedding day...I found a crack pipe. When I confronted him, he was so convincing and so good at lying, he was able to convince me that he had found the pipe in his step-fathers old van and meant to destroy it, but forgot. Then I found copper wool and baking soda in his car and I knew that he was lying. When I confronted him, he struck me with my purse; swinging it and hitting me in the head. It was too late, we were already married. I sought an annulment but he drew me back in with his promises to change,
It was a year later when I discovered that he was using again; he had spent a good deal of money after a disappearance and had no other choice but to admit that he needed help and he had relapsed. He sought counseling and I kept the money close.
There have been various events and behaviors throughout our life together that have struck me as suspicious, but I had no proof he was using only suspicion. He's always had a convincing lie and been able to manipulate others to get things smoothed over.
He has told me in the past that if I have any doubts he would take a drug test to put my mind at ease. A few weeks ago I had to take his car to work because of snow and I found a knife with white powder all over it, I tested it and it tested positive for cocaine. When I confronted him, he said the knife had been there untouched for over a year. I knew this was not true but couldn't prove it. He hasn't been to work all week this week because he doesn't feel well and has headaches, but today my 15 year old daughter was off of school and told me that he had been acting strange and was leaving the house every 10 minutes coming back shortly and leaving again, too many times for her to count. When I asked him about it, he couldn't even come up with a logical explanation.
I then got home to find a lot of broken copper wool in his pockets (this was always a tell-tale sign before) when I asked him to take an at home drug test he refused. Even when I gave him an ultimatum, he refused, He said he doesn't know what I'm talking about when I mentioned finding the copper wool in his pockets.
He went to his mothers (who is an enabler and believes all of his lies, although he's hocked her television set among other things) and refuses to admit anything. I have been around this site and read some insightful posts. One said that addicts lie because they WANT to continue using. I feel so sure that he is using that I cant accept his explanation, but I offered a sincere apology if the test came back negative, he still refused.
He's gone through drug court 6 years ago and is now on probation for assaulting me last summer during a psychotic rant.
One of his main problems is his mother and her unwillingness to see what hes doing and to not believe his lies.
Im not sure what to do. The logical part of me says to join an alanon group and move(his mother lives less than 5 minutes away) and move on with my life. Its gonna be hard
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome to the forum.
He is very hooked. Very hooked. There comes a time when we hit the hard wall of reality and are forced to stop telling ourselves things which are not true--those things include "he will stop using if he sees how much it hurts me" and "if his parent stops enabling him, he's bound to stop using," and "he has so much to lose, there is no way he will continue using."
We cling to the addict, to the status quo, holding on with all we've got to keep the life we insist on having, refusing to face the facts and deal with them, refusing to change anything.
But when that happens, eventually Life is going to force it. We are forced to change. It is often explosive and chaotic when it finally happens, but it does happen. It will happen.
You know everything you need to know at this moment. You have a choice: you can pull together every mature bone in your body and take appropriate action on behalf of your young daughter and of yourself to be the parent and protector of your family. Or you can cling to him and accept everything on his terms and continue on in the same situation you are in today, sacrificing far more than only yourself to someone whose only ambition in life is to get as drugged out of his mind as he possibly can.
If you choose maturity and realism, Al-Anon is a good place to find people who decided to choose the same. I hope you'll go that route. Please keep reading this forum and posting for support. We are mostly no-nonsense realists here.
He is very hooked. Very hooked. There comes a time when we hit the hard wall of reality and are forced to stop telling ourselves things which are not true--those things include "he will stop using if he sees how much it hurts me" and "if his parent stops enabling him, he's bound to stop using," and "he has so much to lose, there is no way he will continue using."
We cling to the addict, to the status quo, holding on with all we've got to keep the life we insist on having, refusing to face the facts and deal with them, refusing to change anything.
But when that happens, eventually Life is going to force it. We are forced to change. It is often explosive and chaotic when it finally happens, but it does happen. It will happen.
You know everything you need to know at this moment. You have a choice: you can pull together every mature bone in your body and take appropriate action on behalf of your young daughter and of yourself to be the parent and protector of your family. Or you can cling to him and accept everything on his terms and continue on in the same situation you are in today, sacrificing far more than only yourself to someone whose only ambition in life is to get as drugged out of his mind as he possibly can.
If you choose maturity and realism, Al-Anon is a good place to find people who decided to choose the same. I hope you'll go that route. Please keep reading this forum and posting for support. We are mostly no-nonsense realists here.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Fitchicky, he's using and he has no intention at the moment of stopping. These are facts you can't change, as much as you would like your life to be 'normal'. His mother may be enabling him, but she doesn't cause him to use, that's his decision alone.
So now that you know, where does that leave you? Are you willing to live with his addiction? What effect is it having on you and your daughter?
He has been violent towards you twice, once when psychotic and once not, on your wedding day! He's not stopping using any time soon.
Please make your plans to protect yourself and your daughter; you are in a sick and possibly dangerous situation.
So now that you know, where does that leave you? Are you willing to live with his addiction? What effect is it having on you and your daughter?
He has been violent towards you twice, once when psychotic and once not, on your wedding day! He's not stopping using any time soon.
Please make your plans to protect yourself and your daughter; you are in a sick and possibly dangerous situation.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: RICHMOND, va
Posts: 85
The part that bothers me the most is the thing that addicts do best; making me think that I'm being paranoid with one convincing lie after another and that I'm the one destroying the relationship. I think my sells esteem is pretty healthy but he has a way to chip away at it and make me feel like I'm the one in the wrong. I hate waiting to move forward but I have to wanna while to move out of this area and this house. His things are still here and I dread the day he comes to collect them which makes me want to move before he can do that. I'm sad
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
The part that bothers me the most is the thing that addicts do best; making me think that I'm being paranoid with one convincing lie after another and that I'm the one destroying the relationship.
I have a questions about the above. Is this your first relationship with an addict? And if it isn’t, then this is a excellent starting point for You, to see why you are on repeat.
Addicts don’t have special powers. You are buying them lies. You are allowing the truth you know, the truth that is reality to be pushed aside (denial) and allowing him to make you think you are crazy. It really does take 2 to play this game, and you can opt out at any time.
Look to the obvious. Everything he shows you, shows active addiction. Keep it simple. English Garden was so right when she wrote, “You know everything you need to know in this moment.” Because you do.
In keeping with the simplicity theme, ask yourself, and no he isn’t allowed to be considered in this question … What can I do for me and my daughter now to remove/protect us from this maddening, dangerous situation?
Addiction is a progressive disease. You can guarantee this will get worse. Can you imagine what worse would be like?
Stay safe.
●▬๑۩۩๑▬●
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Sight vs. Sound
Have you ever lived in a high-rise? There is construction going on in one of the units and you would swear the noise is coming from right above you. But, then you SEE that in actuality that they are tearing up tile on the floor below you and quite away down the hall.
What if you had to rely on only what you see...and not what you hear?
Heart vs. Head
I've read thousands of times how addicts are master manipulators. Are they, are they really? When in reality their attempts are quite pathetic and somewhat trifling. We want to believe them, but we really know the truth.
Truth vs. Lies
"I will not knowingly believe lies" is an excellent boundary. Knowingly believing lies is also enabling the addiction to continue or progress.
Have you ever lived in a high-rise? There is construction going on in one of the units and you would swear the noise is coming from right above you. But, then you SEE that in actuality that they are tearing up tile on the floor below you and quite away down the hall.
What if you had to rely on only what you see...and not what you hear?
Heart vs. Head
I've read thousands of times how addicts are master manipulators. Are they, are they really? When in reality their attempts are quite pathetic and somewhat trifling. We want to believe them, but we really know the truth.
Truth vs. Lies
"I will not knowingly believe lies" is an excellent boundary. Knowingly believing lies is also enabling the addiction to continue or progress.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You are right, it will be hard. What you have to accept is that you cannot control this at all. You have to make boundaries for YOU and stick to them. Giving him ultimatiums that you don't intend to keep will only keep up the evil cycle. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
You have a 15 year old. You don't need a 15 year old in the home with an addict alone, that is for sure.
I suggest you keep him out until you have made some decisions. You dont have to make those decisions today. You have to see it for what it is. He will lie no matter what to protect his addiction. Him hitting you is alarming. See it for what it was, ABUSE. That shows what he is capable of if pushed to the limit.
I am very sorry. I suggest you get some therapy and go to meetings for support for YOU.
You have a 15 year old. You don't need a 15 year old in the home with an addict alone, that is for sure.
I suggest you keep him out until you have made some decisions. You dont have to make those decisions today. You have to see it for what it is. He will lie no matter what to protect his addiction. Him hitting you is alarming. See it for what it was, ABUSE. That shows what he is capable of if pushed to the limit.
I am very sorry. I suggest you get some therapy and go to meetings for support for YOU.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Of course you are sad. You are barely two years married, your trust in your new husband is destroyed, you face the dismantling of your present home, and there is always deep gut pain when the husband you love refuses to meet even the most basic expectation in relationship: to tell the truth, to be trustworthy, to respect your daughter and you by both actions and words.
You will hurt through all that is to come. And you can do the right thing even when it is deeply painful and tremendously challenging.
It is 100% predictable that he will accuse you of being the one destroying the relationship, of being paranoid, of being messed up in the head. Because that is precisely what addicts do: they deflect. Deflect and deny. It is universal. And isn't it crazy how effective they are? Believe me, everyone here has lived through it. We have all experienced the blow to our self-esteem, the inability to trust our own knowledge, the loss of our own power, the sacrifice of the emotional health of our children.....all because an addict with extraordinary skills of manipulation controlled our minds.
Get a couple of friends to be there with you when he comes to get his things. Make sure they are hard realists, not people who are going to say "but he's such a nice guy and you make such a great couple."
He is not a nice guy. You do not make a great couple. He is a crack addict tweaking in the home of his new wife and her young daughter. You need to be done.
You will hurt through all that is to come. And you can do the right thing even when it is deeply painful and tremendously challenging.
It is 100% predictable that he will accuse you of being the one destroying the relationship, of being paranoid, of being messed up in the head. Because that is precisely what addicts do: they deflect. Deflect and deny. It is universal. And isn't it crazy how effective they are? Believe me, everyone here has lived through it. We have all experienced the blow to our self-esteem, the inability to trust our own knowledge, the loss of our own power, the sacrifice of the emotional health of our children.....all because an addict with extraordinary skills of manipulation controlled our minds.
Get a couple of friends to be there with you when he comes to get his things. Make sure they are hard realists, not people who are going to say "but he's such a nice guy and you make such a great couple."
He is not a nice guy. You do not make a great couple. He is a crack addict tweaking in the home of his new wife and her young daughter. You need to be done.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I wanted to blame anyone and everyone for my son's addiction (including myself). It was the women he hung out with....or the guys he hung out with......or the dealers......his bio-father for introducing him to drugs........it was everyone's fault.
It was frustrating......and exhausting......trying to control or worry about all of those influences.
Safety and self care are so very important. Please......take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
It was frustrating......and exhausting......trying to control or worry about all of those influences.
Safety and self care are so very important. Please......take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
Originally Posted by cynical one 
I've read thousands of times how addicts are master manipulators. Are they, are they really? When in reality their attempts are quite pathetic and somewhat trifling. We want to believe them, but we really know the truth.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
So sorry you are going through this but you know in your heart and gut he is using and lying, trying to make you feel like you are the one who is nuts. This is called gaslighting and I can assure you you are very well in tune with what the truth is.
Now that you know, you need to decide what you are going to do. You cannot control his refusal to admit he is using and you cannot control his mother enabling. What you can control is how you deal with it. Once you take back the control and power, you will feel so much better. Do you want to continue to deal with a man who abuses you, lies and does so in front of your daughter or do you want to show your daughter that you will not tolerate this abuse any more? She is watching you and will learn from you how to let a man treat her. Please take care of yourself and your daughter. You know he is not going to admit or stop using. Time for you to make the decision that is best for you and your daughter. You both deserve better.
Now that you know, you need to decide what you are going to do. You cannot control his refusal to admit he is using and you cannot control his mother enabling. What you can control is how you deal with it. Once you take back the control and power, you will feel so much better. Do you want to continue to deal with a man who abuses you, lies and does so in front of your daughter or do you want to show your daughter that you will not tolerate this abuse any more? She is watching you and will learn from you how to let a man treat her. Please take care of yourself and your daughter. You know he is not going to admit or stop using. Time for you to make the decision that is best for you and your daughter. You both deserve better.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
One of his main problems is his mother and her unwillingness to see what hes doing and to not believe his lies.
hasn't that been YOUR problem? all too willing to believe his lies and stay in denial over what he is up to???
he assaulted you just a few months ago....again. you KNEW ON your wedding day what was up. you LET him talk you out of the annulment. you CHOOSE to believe his BS.
now is the time to face reality. he's a drug addict. period. i'm relieved to hear he's out of the home, your daughter deserves a safe secure non addicted home. here are some suggestions to get you moving forward with your life:
pack up his stuff and arrange for someone to drop it off. don't wait in fear for him to show up. so he can then either abuse you again or try to change your mind.
get to an attorney, proceed with divorce/annulment.
seek an order of protection.
strongly consider moving away, far away....however you can make that happen.
this is a dangerous man. proceed with caution.
hasn't that been YOUR problem? all too willing to believe his lies and stay in denial over what he is up to???
he assaulted you just a few months ago....again. you KNEW ON your wedding day what was up. you LET him talk you out of the annulment. you CHOOSE to believe his BS.
now is the time to face reality. he's a drug addict. period. i'm relieved to hear he's out of the home, your daughter deserves a safe secure non addicted home. here are some suggestions to get you moving forward with your life:
pack up his stuff and arrange for someone to drop it off. don't wait in fear for him to show up. so he can then either abuse you again or try to change your mind.
get to an attorney, proceed with divorce/annulment.
seek an order of protection.
strongly consider moving away, far away....however you can make that happen.
this is a dangerous man. proceed with caution.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 22
This story is a carbon copy of mine...my AH is now in rehab for the 3 time in 14 months...only thing different this time is he chose to go on his own. He is the KING manipulator and can talk his way into whatever he wants. I fell for so many lies...I feel like the idiot. I finally put my foot down...moved out of our house, got my own place and told him I was done. (A lot of other stuff led up to that point but no since reliving the past LOL) Of course he came and begged, I gave in, he continued to use, blah blah blah...same cycle...same roller coaster. Then after being gone all day "job hunting" he called and wanted a ride home and I refused...he went on a couple other binges...ended up at his mothers (as usual, where they all have addiction problems) After a few days there he decided he had no choice but to go to rehab. He is now about 2 weeks into his rehab...so far so good...I don't have a lot of faith yet but I am working on it. It is a year program and time will tell. I have so much anger and resentment that its hard to be "supportive" I am a huge co-dependent and I am trying to learn set boundaries and take care of me. I know my life is unmanageable and out of control. I am seeing a counselor and reading about this. I have faith that God will guide me where I need to be whether that is with him or on my own. Its scary but the only way I can look at it with out driving myself NUTS! He had a long history of crack use and I know this is going to be a long hard road. I am trying to learn how to detach with love and let him take care of himself, me work on me and let God do the rest.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 23
I'm sorry you are going through this, I noticed in your post that he has assaulted you and that must feel terrible. It is one thing dealing with an addicted person but another when they are physically hurting you too. The constant nag in the back of your head feeling like there is something not right, or what can you do next to help the situation I have found out does nothing apart from tear us apart. Please keep strong, I have found this site to be wonderful even if just reading that you are not alone in your struggle.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Originally Posted by cynical one
Sight vs. Sound
Have you ever lived in a high-rise? There is construction going on in one of the units and you would swear the noise is coming from right above you. But, then you SEE that in actuality that they are tearing up tile on the floor below you and quite away down the hall.
What if you had to rely on only what you see...and not what you hear?
Heart vs. Head
I've read thousands of times how addicts are master manipulators. Are they, are they really? When in reality their attempts are quite pathetic and somewhat trifling. We want to believe them, but we really know the truth.
Truth vs. Lies
"I will not knowingly believe lies" is an excellent boundary. Knowingly believing lies is also enabling the addiction to continue or progress.
Have you ever lived in a high-rise? There is construction going on in one of the units and you would swear the noise is coming from right above you. But, then you SEE that in actuality that they are tearing up tile on the floor below you and quite away down the hall.
What if you had to rely on only what you see...and not what you hear?
Heart vs. Head
I've read thousands of times how addicts are master manipulators. Are they, are they really? When in reality their attempts are quite pathetic and somewhat trifling. We want to believe them, but we really know the truth.
Truth vs. Lies
"I will not knowingly believe lies" is an excellent boundary. Knowingly believing lies is also enabling the addiction to continue or progress.
Cynical hits it dead on....as usual.
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