Medusa0320

I am desperate and feeling crazy. I am hoping someone can relate and advise. I was with my fiancee for 4 years. He is an alcoholic and addict. We originally broke up due to his drinking but then he wanted to prove he could stay sober, went to AA, went on Anabuse, etc and stayed sober for over 3 years. Before Thanksgiving - I could tell he wanted to relapse. He was angry/resentful and just agitated. We got into a little argument which he used to walk out and drink again. He came home two days later to pick up his things and move back to Tucson. He has been begging me to come home for months and I keep saying no. He will sob and tell me that if I don't let him back, he's going to die and he can be sober again with my help like before. He then called the other night to tell me he started using crack again due to being depressed and again said he really needs to come home to a healthy environment. He even lost our truck (which is still being financed) while letting someone use it to go on a drug run - then never came back. I am shocked but don't want to judge him as he already is beating himself up for his behavior. I am watching him self destruct and it's killing me. I love this man...but I can't deal with the issues around lack of trust, worry and addiction anymore. He begged for the last time a few nights ago and when I once again said no...he stated he would then go drink/use as he has nothing to live for. I get this is manipulation - I am not stupid..but what surprises me is the guilt I am feeling for not helping someone I love.....Am I crazy?

9111111

Medusa, welcome and sorry for what brings you here.

Not helping out someone who was there for you in the past and would be there for you in a similar situation would be nasty. But is your fiance there for you?

Who is paying for the truck, is the truck registered under your name or his - does he care? If you would be in accident right now would he make the trip to be with you.

You sure don't sound crazy, but I know the feeling.
What made me feel crazy was applying the rules of fairness and friendship to a relationsship with a person that wasn't fair to me and never my friend - call it a one-sided friendship built on lies and guilt.

The suicide talk can be manipulation or a cry for help. We are not experts, so we can't tell, but the people at 911 can.

LoveMeNow

I'm sure someone with more experience will be along shortly, but I just wanted to welcome you to the group. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

(((hugs)))

hopeful4

Hello and welcome. No, you are not crazy. Many timest he addicts in our lives make us feel that way, but you are not.

Be so glad that you got away. Addiction is a progressive disease and it would have happened with out without you. There are all sorts of programs out there that can help him. He just has to choose that. He is trying to guilt you into getting back into his warm home so he can use and be comfortable at the same time. It does not work that way. He needs professional help for his own self.

The three C's you will see on here often are this: You did not Cause it, You Cannot Control it, you cannot Cure it. He has to choose recovery for himself. Addiction is tragic, but this is not your tragedy. The best thing to tell him is that words mean nothing, that it is actions over a very long period of time that tells how a person, anyone, is living their life. You cannot subject yourself to letting an addict in your household.

Keep posting, you are not alone.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR.....I understand the guilt issue......it is something I have also struggled with over the years and I would venture to guess that many here would say the same.

I believe it's very similar to survivors guilt. We're relatively "ok" while the addict struggles. But we are all very similar, many times I can see that I don't have problems, I have solutions that I don't like and the same goes for the addict. An individual who is highly motivated for recovery doesn't put stipulations on that recovery.....such as "I'll only get clean if you let me live with you" or "I'll only stay clean if I can live with you". That just doesn't pass the sniff test as you alluded to.

There are options for a highly motivated addict. The Salvation Army is one. It is a free, long term program but some may object because it is a Christian organization. I volunteer there....they have never asked about my beliefs.....they are simply appreciative that I am willing to give my time to the families of the 100 men in there. Not everyone has tens of thousands of dollars to put into rehab....there are choices.......that cost nothing except some time, patience, dedication, and humility.

We are very big on self care around here. Not the selfish "me first" kind of thinking but one that allows us to understand that we all have individual choices......

There are ways to find peace.....regardless of the current status of the addict in our lives.

You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR, Medusa, though sorry for what has brought you here.

I'm what they call a double-winner. I'm a recovering addict (crack) and a recovering codie (codependent) who had/has loved ones in active addiction.

I understand the guilt, have been through it many a time. I also put my loved ones through it.

What I can tell you is the thing that had the most impact on me choosing recovery was from my loved ones taking a huge step back. No, you can't come home unless you are clean; no, you can't have money; no, we will not get you out of jail, etc.

I know addiction inside and out (abused other things before crack brought me to my knees). I still lost two loved ones to addiction (my stepmom, I LIVED with and did CPR on her when I found her), I have a stepsister who just got of detox for the umpteenth time, and I have cousins who are doing well in recovery.

If anyone I love were to threaten suicide, I would call 911. The ones I lost didn't intend to die...they were like I used to be, thinking "oh, it won't happen to me".

I hope you keep reading and posting here. There is a TON of wisdom from the people in this forum. I am thoroughly convinced I would not be successful in my addiction recovery were it not for the people here as I turned to "getting numb" as a way to deal with my addicts.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

soberhawk

Welcome Medusa,

It is difficult to watch people we love in pain and misery.

You should not feel guilt we can not change other people – love does not work that way.

zoso77

Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you found us, although I'm sad for what brought you here.

What you describe, in my opinion, is normal in terms of the conflicting emotions you're feeling. And you're right in not trusting him. But whenever we have to establish a hard boundary like you've had to, there's always a part of us that wonder how can we do this to someone we love.

So, allow me to tell you how we can do that without losing a night's sleep.

If you didn't set boundaries, he would continue to lie to you, possibly steal from you, even possibly cheat on you. It would not matter to him if you allowed him back in in your life because at this moment, he's incapable of appreciating it. It's like pouring water into a container with a hole in the bottom of it; what you pour in comes right back out.

Right now, the only thing in your control is you and you're well being.

As an aside...I don't think he wanted to "relapse". I think what he really wanted to do was pick up without suffering any consequences. The lies an addict tells himself knows no bounds.

Be safe.

ZoSo

Kindeyes

ZoSo
I think that's a very important statement....and so true of many who relapse. Thank you for sharing that!
gentle hugs
ke

Medusa0320

I was so surprised and appreciative of those who responded to my post. Very insightful, wonderful responses. I found out last night he moved in with another woman and while that stung, I get he is wanting to continue using while being in a comfortable setting. He doesn't want help. This new situation has helped me with closure as I am surprised he just found someone so easily...and replaced me but in reading what you all wrote yesterday - it makes sense. Still hurts...but makes sense. I also found out that he gave the truck we financed to a drug dealer in exchange for crack and he has been using since the first day he returned to AZ...and now I believe he's been using well before walking out the door. I really appreciate this site/forum as it's so beneficial to me picking up the pieces, understanding this dynamic and moving on. Thank you so much for all your hugs/words/thoughts...you really helped me out here.

hopeful4

I am sorry, that has to hurt. Addiction takes over and they will find any way to keep up with the next fix. That other woman is just providing a landing place for him to use. You don't want to spend your life with an addict, it would be a life of heartache.

Hugs.

AnvilheadII

it usually ends up being much "worse" than we imagined. you have done very well to keep it all in perspective and not take it personally! he's doing what addicts do....explains why he so easily and readily bolted out the door, eh?

this might be a good time to institute NO CONTACT. shut the door between your fabulous life and his........

Vale

Zoso wrote,
As an aside...I don't think he wanted to "relapse". I think what he really wanted to do was pick up without suffering any consequences.
================================================== =============
Huge, Zoso...and so on target. Thanks for writing it.

zoso77

Every so often, Vale, I come up with a good one. Lucky day.

zoso77

Unfortunately, none of this is surprising.

The most important cognitive shift that you want to do at this point is not personalize what he did. What he wants is an enabler. And since you're not willing to fulfill that role, he found someone what would. It's really that simple.

Take care of you.

ZoSo

Medusa0320

I never thought of it that way ZOSO! What he wants is an enabler....she is also an addict and alcoholic - so that makes sense. It really is that simple. Wow. I am trying to take care of me. Thank you. It just hurts and I'm trying to move forward. I know it's going to be ok. Thanks so much!!!!

Vale

Beautiful simplicity.........we could program it in BASIC!

1.Find enabler.
2.Suck enabler dry.
3.If enabler still has juice GOTO2.
4.IF Enabler empty THEN GOTO 1.

Can you say endless loop? It really is that simple.
It hurts, but it's not hard to understand. You'd
have better luck talking a mosquito (or vampire!)
out of their blood meal.