Life vs Mental Integrity and Sanity
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 258
Life vs Mental Integrity and Sanity
I understand alcoholism as a progressive disease that can become a matter of life or death if being left untreated.
Looking at the situation of family and friends it doesn't seem at first like there are "lives at stake" here (except for when an alcoholic starts threatening the life of his or her loved ones of course).
Yet, when I look at the stories and symptoms of trauma and depression and anxiety that so many of us seem to suffer from, I am starting to wonder if not both sides (alcoholic AND family and friends) are dying a slow death when not accepting and receiving help.
The way I experienced the health care sytem though, it seems like the alcoholic comes first. While he/ she is in rehab, family life with all its obligations goes on for the spouse / friends, often picking up the pieces left behind. Sometimes rehab offers a family program, more often it doesn't, there's Al-Anon and other groups and counselling for those who can afford it - yet, no Rehab, life goes on...No time out for us?
Therefore I am wondering:
Do family and friends matter less in terms of support?
Do we receive the support that we want, that we need, or whatever is available?
Doesn't mental health matter "just as much" as life in general, as it has such a huge impact on the quality of my life and sometimes on life/ death decisions?
Looking at the situation of family and friends it doesn't seem at first like there are "lives at stake" here (except for when an alcoholic starts threatening the life of his or her loved ones of course).
Yet, when I look at the stories and symptoms of trauma and depression and anxiety that so many of us seem to suffer from, I am starting to wonder if not both sides (alcoholic AND family and friends) are dying a slow death when not accepting and receiving help.
The way I experienced the health care sytem though, it seems like the alcoholic comes first. While he/ she is in rehab, family life with all its obligations goes on for the spouse / friends, often picking up the pieces left behind. Sometimes rehab offers a family program, more often it doesn't, there's Al-Anon and other groups and counselling for those who can afford it - yet, no Rehab, life goes on...No time out for us?
Therefore I am wondering:
Do family and friends matter less in terms of support?
Do we receive the support that we want, that we need, or whatever is available?
Doesn't mental health matter "just as much" as life in general, as it has such a huge impact on the quality of my life and sometimes on life/ death decisions?
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
Very few of the alcoholics in my life have reached out for help. They are mostly all either in the earlier, somewhat functional states of active alcoholism or have quit without a program (some more successful than others - namely those who also made major lifestyle changes at the time of quitting.) The only alcoholic in my life who reached the late/end stages of alcoholism, is dead (from his addiction.) I do have a casual friend who is slightly further in his addiction than the others. Ironically, he is the youngest. He's been through in patient and out patient rehab, uses xanax, and still drinks. His life is barely functional. So, take what I have to say with a grain of salt.
My opinion is that in the US, addiction and mental health treatment is sub par for all parties involved unless the family has a considerable amount of financial resources. (disclaimer: I have no opinion on these services in other countries since I have no experience with those countries.) I absolutely agree that mental health is extremely important. It affects all areas of our lives and impacts the quality of lives for our loved ones as well.
As for the support available for loved ones, I only have experience with al-anon and paid therapy. Al-anon appears to work for many, depending on how much you put into it. If one only goes while in crisis mode, or does not ever really work the program, one will not reap the same benefits as someone who works hard on his program and does not slack off on attendance when the "crisis" is fixed. I am assuming it's the same for other programs available to loved ones? Likewise, the success of therapy depends on the work one is willing to put into it and the quality of the therapist.
One last thought: In my opinion, (again in the US), it appears there are more programs readily available for the family of an addict/alcoholic than there are for families of loved ones with major mental health issues or even chronic health conditions. In my city, there are a number of 12 step meetings/programs and a few non-12 step programs available to the families of addicts any given week. On the other hand, there are considerably fewer support groups available to families of loved ones with mental illness or other chronic health conditions. If I really want to, as an ACOA married to an alcoholic, I could attend an average of 3-4 12 step meetings per day within a 20 mile radius of my home. There are easily another 10+ non-12 step meetings for family in my area in a given week. OTOH, the number of support groups available for family members of people with major mental health issues, can be counted on one hand.
My opinion is that in the US, addiction and mental health treatment is sub par for all parties involved unless the family has a considerable amount of financial resources. (disclaimer: I have no opinion on these services in other countries since I have no experience with those countries.) I absolutely agree that mental health is extremely important. It affects all areas of our lives and impacts the quality of lives for our loved ones as well.
As for the support available for loved ones, I only have experience with al-anon and paid therapy. Al-anon appears to work for many, depending on how much you put into it. If one only goes while in crisis mode, or does not ever really work the program, one will not reap the same benefits as someone who works hard on his program and does not slack off on attendance when the "crisis" is fixed. I am assuming it's the same for other programs available to loved ones? Likewise, the success of therapy depends on the work one is willing to put into it and the quality of the therapist.
One last thought: In my opinion, (again in the US), it appears there are more programs readily available for the family of an addict/alcoholic than there are for families of loved ones with major mental health issues or even chronic health conditions. In my city, there are a number of 12 step meetings/programs and a few non-12 step programs available to the families of addicts any given week. On the other hand, there are considerably fewer support groups available to families of loved ones with mental illness or other chronic health conditions. If I really want to, as an ACOA married to an alcoholic, I could attend an average of 3-4 12 step meetings per day within a 20 mile radius of my home. There are easily another 10+ non-12 step meetings for family in my area in a given week. OTOH, the number of support groups available for family members of people with major mental health issues, can be counted on one hand.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Family and friends absolutely do NOT "matter less than the A." You need to take care of yourself first and foremost.
And yes, there IS support available for the family and friends. It's called Alanon. Here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Some here use Celebrate Recovery rather than Alanon--I have no personal experience with it, but you may wish to check that option out, too.
I think you'll find Alanon is very strongly in favor of the alcoholic NOT being the center of the universe. Alanon is all about YOU.
You can search Amazon for Alanon literature for some reading material, too.
Edited to add: What JustAGirl said about Alanon in her post above is very accurate, in my opinion. You get out what you put in, and you can get so VERY much out....
And yes, there IS support available for the family and friends. It's called Alanon. Here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Some here use Celebrate Recovery rather than Alanon--I have no personal experience with it, but you may wish to check that option out, too.
I think you'll find Alanon is very strongly in favor of the alcoholic NOT being the center of the universe. Alanon is all about YOU.
You can search Amazon for Alanon literature for some reading material, too.
Edited to add: What JustAGirl said about Alanon in her post above is very accurate, in my opinion. You get out what you put in, and you can get so VERY much out....
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Originally Posted by 9111111 
The way I experienced the health care sytem though, it seems like the alcoholic comes first. While he/ she is in rehab, family life with all its obligations goes on for the spouse / friends, often picking up the pieces left behind. Sometimes rehab offers a family program, more often it doesn't,
there's Al-Anon and other groups and counselling for those who can afford it - yet, no Rehab, life goes on...No time out for us?
Therefore I am wondering:
Do family and friends matter less in terms of support?
Just for perspective, look at the advertisements on THIS site. Please understand this is NOT a knock of this site. I think it is great, and wish it to continue. *We* are sort of the product that appeals to potential customers, but the ADVERTISERS who pay for this site are . . . THE REHAB INDUSTRY.
Do we receive the support that we want, that we need, or whatever is available?
Doesn't mental health matter "just as much" as life in general, as it has such a huge impact on the quality of my life and sometimes on life/ death decisions?
Doesn't mental health matter "just as much" as life in general, as it has such a huge impact on the quality of my life and sometimes on life/ death decisions?
Only when You/We finally get the sense to SAY so and then DO so.
If I had do-overs, they would look like this:
1. Boot the A off the teet, first.
2. Take care of the kids.
3. Take care of you/us, as we take care of the kids.
A(s) tend to be clever and resourceful leeches. Have you EVER seen one go without their Drug of Choice -- regardless the cost? If they desire sobriety, they will find a way.
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Originally Posted by 9111111
Yet, when I look at the stories and symptoms of trauma and depression and anxiety that so many of us seem to suffer from, I am starting to wonder if not both sides (alcoholic AND family and friends) are dying a slow death when not accepting and receiving help.
Part of my dis-ease was that I put the wellbeing of my loved one above my own.
I was "fortunate." I had my own addiction that I had gotten help for prior to meeting my loved one. In terms of his addiction though (I was many years into recovery on mine), I focused so much on him, his needs and "fixing" his problems that I did not reach out for support of my own. I actually kept feeling like it was "all" my fault that he would even want to drink....because I was actively getting help for my eating issues.
In general I don't feel like mental health/addictions are well addressed in the US.....
For me though once I started to look for and become aware of my own needs I have gotten a tremendous amount of support and thus growth and healing. It took a darn long time for me to get there though.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I was actually talking about this over the weekend with a friend in terms of "I wish I could go to recovering spouses rehab for 3 months!" Then when I thought about the ramifications of that (who would care for my children) I swiftly thought that it was such a dumb thing to say. I don't want to go away from my life for any duration.
I think we do have the resources available, but like the alcoholic, we need to reach out for them. For me personally, that means getting in contact with a counselor and this group. For others it might mean al-anon and/or a therapist and/or reaching out to their primary physician for medicinal help.
Personally, I think there is a lot of ignorance/denial on both sides about what is happening until things go to far. If we would have had some kind of addiction education in school (think sex-ed but focused on addictions) then I think both AH and I would have spotted and treated our issues well before things went majorly crazy.
I think we do have the resources available, but like the alcoholic, we need to reach out for them. For me personally, that means getting in contact with a counselor and this group. For others it might mean al-anon and/or a therapist and/or reaching out to their primary physician for medicinal help.
Personally, I think there is a lot of ignorance/denial on both sides about what is happening until things go to far. If we would have had some kind of addiction education in school (think sex-ed but focused on addictions) then I think both AH and I would have spotted and treated our issues well before things went majorly crazy.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 258
Originally Posted by JustAGirl1971
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One last thought: In my opinion, (again in the US), it appears there are more programs readily available for the family of an addict/alcoholic than there are for families of loved ones with major mental health issues or even chronic health conditions. In my city, there are a number of 12 step meetings/programs and a few non-12 step programs available to the families of addicts any given week. On the other hand, there are considerably fewer support groups available to families of loved ones with mental illness or other chronic health conditions. If I really want to, as an ACOA married to an alcoholic, I could attend an average of 3-4 12 step meetings per day within a 20 mile radius of my home. There are easily another 10+ non-12 step meetings for family in my area in a given week. OTOH, the number of support groups available for family members of people with major mental health issues, can be counted on one hand.
One last thought: In my opinion, (again in the US), it appears there are more programs readily available for the family of an addict/alcoholic than there are for families of loved ones with major mental health issues or even chronic health conditions. In my city, there are a number of 12 step meetings/programs and a few non-12 step programs available to the families of addicts any given week. On the other hand, there are considerably fewer support groups available to families of loved ones with mental illness or other chronic health conditions. If I really want to, as an ACOA married to an alcoholic, I could attend an average of 3-4 12 step meetings per day within a 20 mile radius of my home. There are easily another 10+ non-12 step meetings for family in my area in a given week. OTOH, the number of support groups available for family members of people with major mental health issues, can be counted on one hand.
Looking back, when I started reaching out for help I mostly felt alienated or misunderstood by most support sources for exaf/ or me:
I was the contact person for exaf and most hospitals / ERs / police stations seemed happy to hand exaf back to me - I didn't consider saying "keep exaf" an option back then...I didn't know enough. Still with most of these people being trained in substance use issues, I still wonder why no one ever asked me "how are you doing" - it would have helped me, but me taking exaf off their hands helped them.
For myself, counselling wasn't available to me at that time, and even though the folks at Al-Anon seemed to have a good understanding of what was going on my life, there was still a lingering sense of disconnect for me.
I think part of the reason for the disconnect was, that I had not come to terms with the fact that I wasn't "just" dealing with alcoholism and substance abuse, but with a dual-diagnosis situation that had become very abusive. I wasn't seeing the whole picture.
Principles tought by Al-Anon such as detachment and seperating finances sure were healthy for me, but became issues in the context of abuse and control.
In addition to Al-Anon I would definitely have benefited from a support group focusing on mental health issues, counselling by someone specialized in substance use, mental health and abuse, and support by a DV organization, especially when leaving the situation with exaf. However life is not a fairy tale.
Like Hammer posted in his Iceberg Model - addiction is complex, and so would have been my support WANTS and probably needs.
I think understanding this complexity would have helped me through the first months of my "searching for help" journey and through the feelings of loneliness, dis-connect and alienation that were so strong back then.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Originally Posted by 9111111
Therefore I am wondering:
Do family and friends matter less in terms of support?
Do we receive the support that we want, that we need, or whatever is available?
Doesn't mental health matter "just as much" as life in general, as it has such a huge impact on the quality of my life and sometimes on life/ death decisions?
Do family and friends matter less in terms of support?
Do we receive the support that we want, that we need, or whatever is available?
Doesn't mental health matter "just as much" as life in general, as it has such a huge impact on the quality of my life and sometimes on life/ death decisions?
2) I think in life we don't always get what we want, but we may get what we need--we just may not like it all that much
3) Yes, mental health matters just as much as physical health....it can also directly impact our physical health according to some research studies. Happiness is a measure of quality of life, but, in my experience, happiness is a choice as well--an 'inside job', if you will.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 11
My A Father has denied his problem all of his life and even in the throes of liver failure and the consultant talking about NO transplant if he cannot stop drinking, my father still doesn't accept his problems and reality and is only deciding to go to an addiction group at the hospital because he KNOWS he has to or else no transplant will be given and also said he was only doing it to prove to others he hasn't been drinking and to use as ammunition.
The effects of his drinking on me and as the lifestyle we led was so unhealthy, I suffered mental health problems (depression, anxiety and cripplingly low self esteem). Those who are pressured to "support" the alcoholic are not considered enough. They are the ones with the disease, yes, but that does not mean we must allow our own lives to me negatively impacted and to suffer at the hands of someone who does not accept or strive for help.
It is NOT our responsibility to fix or cure or support if the alcoholic is not responsive, it is our responsibility to live our own lives and care for ourself. My experience shows that if you put the alcoholic first, you become the poorly one. I know I don't deserve that.
The effects of his drinking on me and as the lifestyle we led was so unhealthy, I suffered mental health problems (depression, anxiety and cripplingly low self esteem). Those who are pressured to "support" the alcoholic are not considered enough. They are the ones with the disease, yes, but that does not mean we must allow our own lives to me negatively impacted and to suffer at the hands of someone who does not accept or strive for help.
It is NOT our responsibility to fix or cure or support if the alcoholic is not responsive, it is our responsibility to live our own lives and care for ourself. My experience shows that if you put the alcoholic first, you become the poorly one. I know I don't deserve that.
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