MamaCas

My daugheter met with her AXBF yesterday because he wanted to "come clean" and make arrangements to see his son. He started out saying that he would go to inpatient rehab if she wanted him to. Obviously, he needs to go for himself, not for her BUT he has never offered that. Could this be his way of saying he knows he needs help? Anyway, the meeting didn't end well because it was clear to her he was still lying about things. I told her that while I didn't think she should buy into any of his lies and that his actions should always speak more than his words, I did think she needed to realize that they were never going to get anywhere rehashing details of what he did/didn't do until he got some help. Am I wrong to think that if he goes to rehab and really works at it the truth about some of this stuff will come out? Or, at least his attitude about everything will be different? I just don't see what good it's going to do to expect him to be honest with her when he's most likely still using. I don't think he can truly get well without being in an inpatient facility. This morning I found out that he was actually arrested yesterday and his car was impounded. He was out within 3 hours and has yet another court date. He did tell her the car was impounded but said he never got arrested. Ugh! It NEVER ends!

hopeful4

In my opinion, Inpatient rehab would likely be a waste for him at this point...because he does not want it for himself. He is still lying and covering up truths.

I think what the addicts have a hard time wrapping their brains around is that for many (me included) that it is the lying and covering up that is just as painful as the addiction itself. It has also caused me in the past to wonder if I am crazy myself, because he would lie. You know what, I was spot on each time. Intuition (from God or whereever it comes from) has never let me down in regards to his using Rx drugs and alcohol, not once.

I have come out of the hiding in regards to that. I don't let him make me feel crazy and I don't question myself all the time anymore. If something is amiss, I don't think I am wrong. However, it still builds resentment and has all but destroyed my marriage. I told my AH the other day that if he lies to me again I will hate him for it. There is nothing he can say to me that is worse than lying. I understand addiction comes with relapse and it is a constant struggle. I can swallow that alot easier than a bunch of lies.

He is aware that much of my resentment and anger has come from direct lies he told to my face. That is something I am willing to forgive because he has made ammends for them. I have not forgotten. However....if it happens again I am done. I also explained to him that means I am done separated or together. I will only speak to him in regards to our children and nothing else ever again. This is a boundary I have made for myself and I plan to stick to it. I need people in my life who tell me the truth. If he cannot do that I certainly don't need him in my life..period.

Thanks for listening to me. Alot of this has come to light recently as I always blamed the drinking but I have also learned the lies and the way it makes me feel is what I am really so very angry and resentful for. Now I am working on that. Another step study is in my near future.

Have a blessed day.

atalose

Two good things I see in your post 1 he is an exbf and 2 it was clear to your daughter he continues to lie to her.

I would have to ask what it was HE was looking to get from your daughter by making suck a statement. Was he looking for money, a place to stay, etc. etc. It seems that when the addict knows his manipulations aren’t working like they once did, they up it to suck everyone back in.

MamaCas

Thank you, hopeful4. I really appreciated you sharing your story. My situation is so odd because it's my daughter's relationship but I have a front row seat to all of it. However, my husband is a recovering alcoholic. I guess I forget that sometimes because he was very high functioning and very respected in our community and church. We lived that way for years! His family still has no idea what we went through. Our girls know now but say they had no idea as they were growing up. My husband didn't admit to it or stop drinking until I caught him "sexting" with another woman. Everytime I would confront him on it I was the crazy one! I also have the boundary that he if ever drinks or lies again he's gone. However, he has changed so much since then. He really is a great dad and husband...now. It's funny though, this all happened six years ago and it's like I erased it from my memory. Seems like it's all coming back now with what my daughter is going through. I think that's what re-awakened the investigative side of me. Once I'd been through all of that with my husband, I learned to check out what you're being told! Sad how all this changes us! And, you're right...the lying is just as bad!

MamaCas

atalose: he wants to see his son and my daughter said he couldn't until he got help.

hopeful4

FYI...she needs to make that agreement legal. If there is no custody agreement gool ol dad can take said child whenever he wants in most states.

I would say my husband is very "high functioning" also. Unfortunately, he is still an addict. Ultimately you can only do what you can do in suggesting things to her. I hope your daughter goes to meetings or gets therapy for help for her!

Thanks again for sharing!