I am feeling so tired and worried I might cave in
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: La Verne, CA
Posts: 12
I am feeling so tired and worried I might cave in
Hi Friends,
I am writing because I don't know what else to do now. I just got my bill for my attorney (WOW!) and the next day (yesterday) I got a rejection letter for most of my school tuition (would have been enough to pay off most of my attorney bill). Now I am feeling so defeated (at least I think that's the feeling - its a combination of sad, tired, confused, anxious and mad - not at my attorney - mad at my soon to be XAH).
I am broke, and my attorney has said do whatever I can to make sure I make my support payments and keep up my end of the deal til we can prove he's not able to care for the kids. But honestly, I don't have enough to make ends meet. My AH has racked up credit cards bills up the wazoo - some I didn't even know of... now I have to split these bills as well !?
We paid his car off, my car has a loan... I pay for the health insurance... its so un-balanced its crazy!
I think to myself "How could he?" and "How dare he?" ask for the children. How could a man (or woman for that matter) that has drank and pill popped and slept through their children's lives while the other parent does all the working, cooking, cleaning, shopping, coach their soccer teams, did all the homework help, the drop offs and pick ups from school, does all the laundry, bathed the kids (and even does a Saturday morning finger nail inspection and cutting round up!) how could he ask for the kids!
He moved out on Jan 15th so now I can't see him drinking or pill taking... so how do I prove he's drinking and pill taking now? But the judge wouldn't make an order til he moved out of the house. His reasoning was this "while we are both in the same home there is no "separate support" needed". This all feels like its going to go so badly and I don't know what
I am supposed to do now.
I don't have the money to fight. I may not even have the energy or even the courage to fight at this point. I know whats most important is the health and safety and well being of my kids. But why does it seem like the courts don't care anymore about doing the "right" thing and now allow people to make excuses for their bad behavior.
Why does my AH get to automatically get 50% of the kids and why does he need an opportunity to fail?
Wouldn't a wise court say he'll get visitation til he proves himself clean and sober and responsible first? Then we'll increase visitation to larger amounts of custody?
I thought it was a roller coaster ride, now I feel like I am going down in an elevator and I am pushing all the buttons but I can't seem to get to stop - and I passed the ground floor a long time ago. I feel like I will be stuck in a dark basement somewhere and I can't find the light.
I am going through my notes to send my attorney what ever evidence I have that he's not ready to take the kids. But I feel like this will go no where. My kids still don't know Daddy has moved out. That is how uninvolved he was.
Tired and feeling defeated...
I am writing because I don't know what else to do now. I just got my bill for my attorney (WOW!) and the next day (yesterday) I got a rejection letter for most of my school tuition (would have been enough to pay off most of my attorney bill). Now I am feeling so defeated (at least I think that's the feeling - its a combination of sad, tired, confused, anxious and mad - not at my attorney - mad at my soon to be XAH).
I am broke, and my attorney has said do whatever I can to make sure I make my support payments and keep up my end of the deal til we can prove he's not able to care for the kids. But honestly, I don't have enough to make ends meet. My AH has racked up credit cards bills up the wazoo - some I didn't even know of... now I have to split these bills as well !?
We paid his car off, my car has a loan... I pay for the health insurance... its so un-balanced its crazy!
I think to myself "How could he?" and "How dare he?" ask for the children. How could a man (or woman for that matter) that has drank and pill popped and slept through their children's lives while the other parent does all the working, cooking, cleaning, shopping, coach their soccer teams, did all the homework help, the drop offs and pick ups from school, does all the laundry, bathed the kids (and even does a Saturday morning finger nail inspection and cutting round up!) how could he ask for the kids!
He moved out on Jan 15th so now I can't see him drinking or pill taking... so how do I prove he's drinking and pill taking now? But the judge wouldn't make an order til he moved out of the house. His reasoning was this "while we are both in the same home there is no "separate support" needed". This all feels like its going to go so badly and I don't know what
I am supposed to do now.
I don't have the money to fight. I may not even have the energy or even the courage to fight at this point. I know whats most important is the health and safety and well being of my kids. But why does it seem like the courts don't care anymore about doing the "right" thing and now allow people to make excuses for their bad behavior.
Why does my AH get to automatically get 50% of the kids and why does he need an opportunity to fail?
Wouldn't a wise court say he'll get visitation til he proves himself clean and sober and responsible first? Then we'll increase visitation to larger amounts of custody?
I thought it was a roller coaster ride, now I feel like I am going down in an elevator and I am pushing all the buttons but I can't seem to get to stop - and I passed the ground floor a long time ago. I feel like I will be stuck in a dark basement somewhere and I can't find the light.
I am going through my notes to send my attorney what ever evidence I have that he's not ready to take the kids. But I feel like this will go no where. My kids still don't know Daddy has moved out. That is how uninvolved he was.
Tired and feeling defeated...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 65
Oh poor you. This sounds awful and I'm having a similar time as you. Lawyers bills huge and STBXAH has been sacked from his job so tiny tiny irregular payments from him. It does feel endless but on the plus for us (I put him out 5 months ago) our house is peaceful and loving again. Your lawyer sounds v v supportive. My A is having visits at the family centre for the foreseeable future. He's never mooted any custody but I think he will battle me shortly for unsupervised visits and my eldest DD is v nervous about any visits despite my reassurance, tbh I'm not sure how it will pan out but I also agree re the courts. Please try and make sure you look after yourself as best you can at this time. Take any support you can from those around you. I'm so sorry to read this. You're not alone and I'm sending you hugs. I'm sorry I don't have any better advice.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I am so sorry for all this in your life. Not having enough money can be so frightening, and many here have faced that, after having to divorce an alcoholic or drug addict. I am not in a position to offer any kind of advice. I just want to let you know you are heard here and understood by many.
Many of us--myself included--left quite nice homes and moved into very modest rental properties when we left our alcoholics, determined not to return to the horrible way of life with an active drinker. Many of us left behind not only nice houses but also nice furniture, cars, and status. We had to take our children to a new neighborhood and enroll them in a new school. We had to pawn our jewelry. We had to sell whatever we could sell. Some here declared bankruptcy. Some relied on food banks. It is a very hard challenge, but I tell you, it builds strength, character, and maturity. You will never be the same. And in many ways, in your development as an individual, you will be better.
It is very hard to accept the reality of a new economic status and to realize that we may have to rely on social services for many things, including financial advice, legal advice, housing discounts, and food. Many here will say that facing the reality of their new situation and learning to survive within it was a tremendous challenge, because what we want to do, really, is hold onto to exactly what we have. And we can't.
For myself there were breakthroughs, small opportunities which fell into my lap (and those synchronicities like an unexpected refund from the electric company) which carried me through the first difficult year after divorce and living close to the bone. I bought second hand furniture, lived in a much less nice place, and I gave up many things. But my home was safe, peaceful, we were well.
Whatever is ahead for you, just keep seeking alternative solutions, keep accepting your new situation, and keep communication honest with your children.
It is not uncommon for alcoholics to battle for the children they have long neglected. Pretend you are the lawyer and pull together a winning case. Good luck. Don't give up.
Many of us--myself included--left quite nice homes and moved into very modest rental properties when we left our alcoholics, determined not to return to the horrible way of life with an active drinker. Many of us left behind not only nice houses but also nice furniture, cars, and status. We had to take our children to a new neighborhood and enroll them in a new school. We had to pawn our jewelry. We had to sell whatever we could sell. Some here declared bankruptcy. Some relied on food banks. It is a very hard challenge, but I tell you, it builds strength, character, and maturity. You will never be the same. And in many ways, in your development as an individual, you will be better.
It is very hard to accept the reality of a new economic status and to realize that we may have to rely on social services for many things, including financial advice, legal advice, housing discounts, and food. Many here will say that facing the reality of their new situation and learning to survive within it was a tremendous challenge, because what we want to do, really, is hold onto to exactly what we have. And we can't.
For myself there were breakthroughs, small opportunities which fell into my lap (and those synchronicities like an unexpected refund from the electric company) which carried me through the first difficult year after divorce and living close to the bone. I bought second hand furniture, lived in a much less nice place, and I gave up many things. But my home was safe, peaceful, we were well.
Whatever is ahead for you, just keep seeking alternative solutions, keep accepting your new situation, and keep communication honest with your children.
It is not uncommon for alcoholics to battle for the children they have long neglected. Pretend you are the lawyer and pull together a winning case. Good luck. Don't give up.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
This disease is just so full of injustice, isn't it?
Maybe you can find an attorney who is wiling to do this for you pro-bono?
Remember, when there's a will, there's a way.....
I don't think any of us on here have gotten away unscathed when it comes to financial matters..(Trust me, I KNOW all about that.....)
But, you can and will bounce back.....
I wish you the best....
Linda
Maybe you can find an attorney who is wiling to do this for you pro-bono?
Remember, when there's a will, there's a way.....
I don't think any of us on here have gotten away unscathed when it comes to financial matters..(Trust me, I KNOW all about that.....)
But, you can and will bounce back.....
I wish you the best....
Linda
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
I know exactly how you feel.
It sucks doesn't it.
All I can say is never, ever give up because you have been the strong parent in the family & the kids deserve the best shot from you.
Collect evidence, anything you can get your hands on.
The court doesn't care because its not their life being affected.
Hang in there & fight for what you believe in & if you do loose at least you will know you gave it everything you had.
Hugs.
It sucks doesn't it.
All I can say is never, ever give up because you have been the strong parent in the family & the kids deserve the best shot from you.
Collect evidence, anything you can get your hands on.
The court doesn't care because its not their life being affected.
Hang in there & fight for what you believe in & if you do loose at least you will know you gave it everything you had.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 120
I feel like you took these thoughts right out of my mind. I am looking into a place called the center of conflict resolution to figure out my next steps and get some alternate advice. I guess it's kind of like the healthcare system, you have to be your own advocate. I feel
like my stbxh is trying to make me fold by financially drowning me, maybe that will be your husbands tactic too. Sadly, it works. I am trying to be grateful for our physical health and I have to let go financially and turn it over to my higher power. Please know that you are trying to do the right thing...
like my stbxh is trying to make me fold by financially drowning me, maybe that will be your husbands tactic too. Sadly, it works. I am trying to be grateful for our physical health and I have to let go financially and turn it over to my higher power. Please know that you are trying to do the right thing...
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