autan

So last night, I found a bottle of ale. I don't remember buying it, but I picked it and for some reason poured it into a pint glass.

I had every intention of drinking it. I held it in my hand looked at it, how unthreatening it was to me, just a glass of beer.

I got thoughts about just drinking the one drink every now and then and even while I was thinking it, I thought I would have to go through withdrawal again and back to another day one, so close to being a month Sober too.

I thought about how I was letting myself down, letting my Wife down and letting the folks on here down and I felt bad.

I just stared at it unable to take a single sip.

Before I knew it 2 hours had passed and I said decision time. Either drink it or pour it down the sink. I took another sniff and almost gagged at the smell, I asked myself what the hell I was doing.

I walked into the kitchen tried to pour it down the sink, but couldn't. I tried to drink it, but couldn't bring myself to do it either. It was like something or someone was intervening and preventing from making a big mistake.

I dont worship the Christian, Jewish or Muslim God, I have given my allegiance to another and I think it was him keeping me safe.

I eventually after 2 1/2 hours poured the entire drink down the sink and my heart was beating so fast. I cleaned the sink and the glass and was really grateful of the intervention.

It is the closest I have come to breaking my sobriety and I was tested, but succeeded.

So very close to drinking but didn't. Still clean and still sober.

Notmyrealname

First off, good for you. I am glad things went the right direction there. Gold star for you, sir!

Second, I would try very hard to avoid any similar situations in the future. Don't "find" ale, and if you do, don't open it unless you're immediately dumping it. (The ex-brewer in me says give it to a friend to enjoy responsibly, as many people do, but I know some of our fellows would rather dump booze than gift it, which I find a particularly joyless stance, but I guess I understand it.)

It's a lot easier to avoid battles altogether than to win them all. It's like my old martial arts teacher used to say, the best fighting strategy is to run away, very quickly.

Stay dry

Dee74

I'm glad you stayed true Autan
Pretty scary you went so far as pouring into a glass on autopilot tho.

Do you intend to beef up your personal recovery programmer?

D

KateL

Good job, Autan x

DanicaB

Wow, I keep wondering what I would do in your situation. It seems perfectly harmless to enjoy a beer, just one beer, from time to time. But then people like you and me will just end up back at square one. I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that I cannot drink beer anymore, ever again. I really love Rolling Rock. Dang, that sucks, no more Rolling Rock. Ok,not sure that I'm being helpful at all here :P

bluncain

Autan, Well done Mate, sounds like you went through an ordeal, I all too easily can see myself in your experience.

It's up to you of course, but Mate don't torture yourself like that again, you don't deserve it.

I'm on day 23, and until last night had a sneaky bottle of wine hidden (from who?) behind the sofa cushion. I gave it as a gift to a neighbour.

Maybe have a look 'round the house when you are feeling strong, and get rid of any others. No big thing, it's just alcohol, and you don't drink anymore. Bin it, give it away, whatever, it's not like canned soup that could come in handy in the future.

'Cause we don't drink.

Best of Luck

Argent

Nice work

least

I'm glad you didn't drink it.

PurpleKnight

Wow 2 and a half hours staring it down is a long battle, but great job coming out the other side!!

Jessicacat1

Well done Autan! That's a massive test of strength and you won!
:uzi2:
^ ^ That's what you did to that drink last night!

RobbyRobot

When you can't drink it and you can't pour it down the sink, and the whole deal lasted hours of your time, that for me would be a wake-up call things were not going as well as I would have hoped. We're all different of course, and I'm not knocking your experience, but I would have only learned from the same experience not that my HP was protecting me, but more that I was being reckless and ambivalent with my sobriety. Perhaps a more robust sobriety would be ideal.

I'm glad you didn't drink.

autan

I will definitely continue with the Hypnotherapy. A few weeks ago, I would have necked that pint without a second thought. Spending 2 1/2 hours contemplating it and turning the opportunity to break my sobriety down, is something new and very welcome.

autan

It was quite an experience. Every time I went to try and take a sip and say bugger it, I couldn't bring myself to do it. (Never had a problem in the past). Ye when I wanted to pour it away, I again struggled.

I was quite content to just hold it, stare at it and smell it. Every single post I have made on here, sounded so hypocritical, so shallow to me if I took a sip and that really bothered me.

The thought of being back at square one (day 1) again over a errant pint, seems ok and not ok at the same time. I real internal conflict.

I have never experienced anything quite like it. I did not pour the pint down the sink in anger or haste, I made a decision. A decision I never expected to make just 3 1/2 weeks back into sobriety.

autan

On the contrary, the fact that I was composed and paused before doing anything rash, means the re-programming of my faulty behaviour and addiction is successful.

Why I poured out the glass, I think I just wanted to do it. Like I enjoyed holding it and looking at it. It was when my AV suggested smelling it and drinking it, something else kicked in and prevented me from doing so. Thats something else has never been present before, not while I was drinking and not while I have been sober before. Had it been I would not of relapsed.

Reckless with my sobriety. Perhaps your right, ships are safer in a harbour, but they are made for the sea. This is how I am built.

I have gained strength and trust in myself, dont get me wrong, this isnt going to be a regular activity to test myself. But faced with a difficult situation, I am trusting myself and my higher power to be able to turn down the drink and walk away.

RobbyRobot

Like I said, we're different. For me, your difficult struggle was self-created and in this way only proved what you already knew - either drink it or dump it. The fact that you struggled with your final decision is not indicative to me that the struggle was worth the results gained.

As for ships being safer in harbour than out to sea, I agree. I also agree they are made for the sea too. As for being out to sea in itself means being reckless, not so much.

Thanks for your response to my suggestion. I indeed hope you are now as satisfied as you say with your HP and can always walk away from any and all possible future opportunities of drinking.

Awesome.

malcolmsloan

Good job resisting. Sounds like quite an experience. I had a similar experience with a half-finished bottle of wine my wife left on the counter a few nights ago. Had a bit of a stare down, but dumped it, and I felt way better, not even tempting the beast, just dumping the fu!@# out, putting it back where it belongs.

Hope4Life

I faced a very similar situation about 2 months into sobriety. I had 'saved' 1 ale in the fridge, just in case I needed a beer... you know? Hot day working in the yard and boom... it pops into my head, "hey there's a beer in the fridge! Boy, wouldn't that taste good about now!"

First thing I did was log in to SR and start reading the accounts of folks relapsing because of the 'Maybe I can have just one' syndrome that derails so many of us. Went to the fridge, opened it and poured it down the drain IMMEDIATELY..... I have now made it 18 months and 5 days w/o a drink.

If there is any more alcohol in the house, I suggest you get rid of it (and I don't mean by drinking it!).

Congratulations on your big WIN!!

PaulinaPolitely

just curious, who have you given your allegiance to?

SilentCinemaFan

Great job Autan! Try not to get into too many of those situations though. You seem like a very strong person but sometimes being in those situations too many times might eventually cause a relapse to even the most strongest fighters.

Just like others have said, just make sure you don't have any alcohol in your place and immediately just dump it without thinking about it too long.

Dano1975

Sounds like parking outside your ex's house re-living heartbreak. Congrats on pouring it out though. I'm almost 6 months in and had a hard couple days this week, contemplating throwing in the towel. Instead I called a buddy from AA and we talked for a couple hours over a mound of chicken wings, crisis averted.