Ah..I get it! But now what do I do?
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Ah..I get it! But now what do I do?
Well this is my first time posting on a board like this but hopefully it will help. I'll try to keep it short (if that's possible!)
I have this life long friend who is a recovering alcoholic. We started spending more time together this year. We both agreed that we were just friends because he is no position to date anybody and we were both cool with that. In fact, I was kinda worried that the whole conversation would ruin our friendship or make it awkward. But no, it didn't. Instead I feel like we acted more like a couple after that conversation. We spent every free moment we had together or at least talking to each other. And didn't really deny it if friends and family thought we were together.
But then -- he disappeared. Not literally, but he said he hurts people so he keeps them at a distance. And this is a pattern that continued: hot and cold or I guess better known as Jekyll and Hyde.
What always really threw me for a loop was that sometimes he was persistent that he absolutely did not want a relationship and then the next he would be asking me advice about women!
And then we got into a fight. I got overreacted to something, I fully admit. Actually I got jealous over another woman. And it just blew up from there, turned into something completely different. After reading this board I understand that the accusations that he made about ME are probably really just a reflection on himself (especially the selfishness part) and that I shouldn't let him make me feel like a crazy person for having emotions. I apologized for my part, a few times, and I generally meant it because I did not in any way mean to hurt him.
A few weeks have gone by and he doesn't really seem to want anything to do with me, seems very cold, even though he said he wasn't mad. He did give me a hug the other day but it wasn't the same. I didn't feel very welcome at all. I'm just not sure what I should do. Or if I should do anything. Is he ignoring me to protect my feelings so he doesn't hurt me? Or is he pissed off? He's a complicated person and I guess any insight into would help!
How can you be a good friend to an alcoholic? I feel like if I'm nice to him that also might **** him off?
I have this life long friend who is a recovering alcoholic. We started spending more time together this year. We both agreed that we were just friends because he is no position to date anybody and we were both cool with that. In fact, I was kinda worried that the whole conversation would ruin our friendship or make it awkward. But no, it didn't. Instead I feel like we acted more like a couple after that conversation. We spent every free moment we had together or at least talking to each other. And didn't really deny it if friends and family thought we were together.
But then -- he disappeared. Not literally, but he said he hurts people so he keeps them at a distance. And this is a pattern that continued: hot and cold or I guess better known as Jekyll and Hyde.
What always really threw me for a loop was that sometimes he was persistent that he absolutely did not want a relationship and then the next he would be asking me advice about women!
And then we got into a fight. I got overreacted to something, I fully admit. Actually I got jealous over another woman. And it just blew up from there, turned into something completely different. After reading this board I understand that the accusations that he made about ME are probably really just a reflection on himself (especially the selfishness part) and that I shouldn't let him make me feel like a crazy person for having emotions. I apologized for my part, a few times, and I generally meant it because I did not in any way mean to hurt him.
A few weeks have gone by and he doesn't really seem to want anything to do with me, seems very cold, even though he said he wasn't mad. He did give me a hug the other day but it wasn't the same. I didn't feel very welcome at all. I'm just not sure what I should do. Or if I should do anything. Is he ignoring me to protect my feelings so he doesn't hurt me? Or is he pissed off? He's a complicated person and I guess any insight into would help!
How can you be a good friend to an alcoholic? I feel like if I'm nice to him that also might **** him off?
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Originally Posted by 987g 
How can you be a good friend to an alcoholic?
And apparently, neither does he. Don't overthink this. It's not working.
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i agree 100% with doggonecarl! you stated that YOU began to get jealous....because he asked advice about other women, and then there was apparently one individual woman whose presence in his life upset you. if i had to hazard a guess, i'd say he is developing a relationship with someone, and it's not you. i don't hear anything in your post that in any sounds like it's an addiction or recovery problem.........
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I have a couple of lifelong male friends, we attended Catholic School together, graduated High School together, see each other around town and at social gatherings.
I do not get jealous when they talk to or about other women.
Why Not?
Because I am not emotional invested.
From the balcony, his actions simply say he's just not interested in taking your current situation to the next level.
It may serve you better, to just move along.
I do not get jealous when they talk to or about other women.
Why Not?
Because I am not emotional invested.
From the balcony, his actions simply say he's just not interested in taking your current situation to the next level.
It may serve you better, to just move along.
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That's fair enough!
I don't know how to describe it but this whole thing ended up being more about me getting jealous (which, I think it is odd that he got so pissy with me for being jealous because he's a very jealous person himself!). It was like everything I said was getting flipped into something else and I was warned by someone that I was being manipulated. Like no matter what he does, you are the one that should be sorry not him. He expects people to put up with his crap, but he's not willing to be understanding of yours.
Then he always complains that people leave him. Either that or THEY are the crazy ones. He said I was the only one who was mad and it would go away. My feelings never stay hurt for long but now he is acting like he is the mad one and I don't understand that.
I don't know how to describe it but this whole thing ended up being more about me getting jealous (which, I think it is odd that he got so pissy with me for being jealous because he's a very jealous person himself!). It was like everything I said was getting flipped into something else and I was warned by someone that I was being manipulated. Like no matter what he does, you are the one that should be sorry not him. He expects people to put up with his crap, but he's not willing to be understanding of yours.
Then he always complains that people leave him. Either that or THEY are the crazy ones. He said I was the only one who was mad and it would go away. My feelings never stay hurt for long but now he is acting like he is the mad one and I don't understand that.
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Sounds a bit like your brain called it one thing but your heart called it something else. The lines here seem pretty blurry. I am not sure your question has anything to do with him being an alcoholic.
Another question might be why you are letting someone live rent-free in your head who ran hot and cold, said one thing and then behaved in a way that was antithetical to that, and who currently "doesn't seem to want to have anything to do with you." You deserve more from a friendship! You deserve better!
Another question might be why you are letting someone live rent-free in your head who ran hot and cold, said one thing and then behaved in a way that was antithetical to that, and who currently "doesn't seem to want to have anything to do with you." You deserve more from a friendship! You deserve better!
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Well here is a question maybe some of you do have some insight on...do you REALLY keep people at arm's length because you hurt them (because you've hurt so many people in the past) or is that just an excuse to escape?
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I'm going to say, excuse to escape.
When someone says "It's not you, it's me. " 99% of the time it's YOU, they are trying to end a situation they no longer want to be in.
i would personally stop worrying and wondering about him, turn the focus inward, and concentrate on making yourself happy.
When someone says "It's not you, it's me. " 99% of the time it's YOU, they are trying to end a situation they no longer want to be in.
i would personally stop worrying and wondering about him, turn the focus inward, and concentrate on making yourself happy.
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Yes, I was warned of that too. And that is also what makes the situation confusing. Sometimes things would be good, then that would get thrown in. He'd be gone for awhile, then make his way back. I guess it should be a red flag that he argues with everyone. Me, on the other hand, I am not used to that. Even his own mother says he is like Jekyll and Hyde.
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Maybe your own self-protection instinct kicked in and kept you from getting closer to him.
Telling someone after spending lots of time together that they have to back off because they hurt everybody is a line of baloney, so is disappearing acts.
Anyway, he ran out of steam because the relationship took too long to progress to the next level.
You, on the other hand, need to admit first to yourself that you were developing feelings for him beyond the friendship.
If you were taking it slowly and that botched things up, well that could be a good thing with somebody that still has a load of issues.
So be glad perhaps that it turned out this way.
Telling someone after spending lots of time together that they have to back off because they hurt everybody is a line of baloney, so is disappearing acts.
Anyway, he ran out of steam because the relationship took too long to progress to the next level.
You, on the other hand, need to admit first to yourself that you were developing feelings for him beyond the friendship.
If you were taking it slowly and that botched things up, well that could be a good thing with somebody that still has a load of issues.
So be glad perhaps that it turned out this way.
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Oh yea I know I like and so did he. It wasn't like it was a secret! But I do not jump into things head first at all. He was the one who started the constant being together thing, not me. I guess it is what it is now. And the whole "distancing" line came the first time, after a few weeks of us spending A LOT of time together.
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He will more than likely be back. Who knows when.
Do you really want a roller coaster ride of a relationship with this guy? Because that's what it is going to be.
Take this time to think about what you know about him, and decide BEFORE he comes back if you really want to deal with it again.
Do you really want a roller coaster ride of a relationship with this guy? Because that's what it is going to be.
Take this time to think about what you know about him, and decide BEFORE he comes back if you really want to deal with it again.
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