Regroup

I don't really know where to start... I could name a hundred isolated events caused by my AH drinking... One of the worst that stand out in my mind were when he almost started a fire and the kids and I woke up to the smoke alarm going off. I tried to wake AH up and even with the kids screaming, the fire alarm going off and the dog barking he slept through it. Then he tried to tell me I was making the story worse then it was when I told him about it the next day. The next thing and the thing that led me to where I am today is that we went home for Christmas. AH is army and going home to see our parents for Christmas was something we haven't done in years. We had a great trip home until we got there and Christmas Eve he started drinking. He got in a political debate with my dad who likes a good arrguement and he knows it. My parents are very right wing republican and AH is a independent/democrat. The more he drank the more belligerent he got with my dad and then wen my dad was done talking to him he turns to my mom and picks a fight about religion and raises his voice to my mom and starts belittling her. When I finally got my parents to go to bed and stop engaging him he started in on me. When I didn't argue back and told him I was tired and going to bed he got up and went to smoke. He didn't come back to bed again until 7:30am after he drank a whole bottle of rum, a pack of Smirnoff and all the beer he had already drank before. He broke things in my parents garage and made a mess but after all that the worse thing was he didn't wake up for Christmas with our kids. He left that afternoon after he woke up and the next day when I spoke to him again he pushed and pushed until I told him I was done. He came back to Colorado while the kids and I stayed in Fl. Fast forward 3 weeks and I came out to Colorado for a myriad of reasons. Some to finish some unfinished and I wanted to see for myself that AH is really getting the help he says he is. It was our 10 year anniversary and we ha a nice evening out. He says he's been sober even though the neighbor said no the recycling bin has been totally full of cans. Then he got mad when I asked him if he had been drinking bc I could smell it on his breath. And now last night I found cans under the seat of the car and when I said something about it he told me I shouldn't be here and I shouldn't be snooping and he's not going to live under my watchful eye when he's getting help so I should just go back to FL. Is it bad to snoop and he says he wants the kids and I to move back but I want to see hard proof he's getting help. He won't show me anything that he's going to these meetings. Is it wrong of me to want to see something?

hopeful4

No, it is not wrong. It sounds like you are at an impasse. He does not want you snooping b/c he knows he is wrong. He may well be going to meetings (most likely not). However....that is very different than actually working a program. He does not want recovery for himself so it is very unlikely he is going to recover at this point.

What I suggest for you is a good therapist and Alanon or Celebrate Recovery. I think the therapist could help you work out what is best for you and your children. Is putting them and yourself right back to living with an active alcoholic a good thing? Only you can decide.

Let me tell you a little story. My AH drinks and mixes with Xanax so it takes very very little for him to get drunk. A nasty mixture. On Easter a few years ago (I was not home) he apparently drank enough and was in some sort of rage. He broke into a complete strangers home and trashed their home to the tune of $16k. He then jumped off their roof. The police found him limping down the road. He to this day does not remember doing so. This has caused him alot of legal and personal trouble and you can imagine the shape of our marriage.

That being said, I am only telling you this because it sounds alot like what may have happened in your parents garage. Are you willing to go down that road with him. I can tell you, my AH went to rehab as soon as this happened, which was a joke. I call it a mini 30 day vacation for him. Anyways....the worst thing I could have done was stay with him and let him come back home after rehab. He was clean for a year. Drinks again on occasion but not much. However...the anxiety it causes me makes it too much. I wish upon every star I had divorced him then.

I cannot tell you what to do. I can only tell you that is some scary behavior. Not to mention very disrespectful to you and your family. Then there is the effects this has to be having on your children.

I truly hope you seek help and take your time in making any decisions. There are a couple things you will see on here alot, and they both apply to your situation.

You did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this.

The other thing is...watch his actions, not his words...over a long period of time. That will show you how serious he is about his marriage, recovery, children, and really anything about anyone.

I also encourage you to open up to your family and close friends about how this is for you. Having an addict in your life can cause you to isolate and it gets very toxic for you. Don't let that happen! You need face to face support.

Hugs.

Withope

Wow, Regroup, I'm so sorry that you and your family are going through all this. It's not wrong of you to want to know whether he's getting treatment or not, but it obviously aggravates him when you ask because he doesn't have the proof. Obviously, he's not getting the help he needs. As hopeful14 said, it's your decision about whether you stick around in CO with him or go back to FL, but you and your children should not have to go through all this. You may consider some therapy for yourself as well. But you do need to give him time to take care of himself, most alcoholics (I'm a recovering alcoholic) just tend to dig their heels when pressured. You're ready for him to get help, but sounds like he's not. Give him time. Trust me, when he has gotten the help, it will be very obvious.

atalose

I think you are right where you need to be today, with your parents and family support.

I think you witnessed what you needed to witness - he's still drinking and the proof is in his denial, under his car seats, in the recycling bins.........

At this point you don't need a front row seat (going back there) to what you already know is happening.

Get some help with al-anon maybe some therapy whiel your away from the chaos and focus on YOU.

Recovery isn't words it's actions..........and right now you have all the proof you need to see that he's taking no action towards his recovery - it's all words.

Regroup

I think this was the most powerful thing I've ever read.... It's so hard for me not to want to control the situation... I joined a group kinda like alanon but it's through a church and I plan to start going to alanon too... When I went to the first meeting of the group I went in thinking I am going to do this to find out how to help him... Instead I realized how many things I need to help about myself and how I can't control him... I was to be there for him and I want to see him get better an be the person I've seen before but part of me feels that is a terrible idea for my kids to see me keep allowing him back in time after time and for the hurt to continue... I knew the way he treated us when he was drinking was wrong but until I read the sticky posts up top I didn't realize how many traits he has that I've just accepted through the years and made excuses for.

hopeful4

When I started going to Celebrate Recovery I started going for the same reason, thinking I was setting it all up to get my AH fixed and learn how to control it all. HA!!

It is just like them having any other physical disease we are unable to control. However...there is no reason ever to be treated badly just because someone is an addict. Bad behavior is bad behavior...addict or not.

I hope you continue on the road to recovery for yourself! It sounds like you are truly doing things to help you, and that is a good thing. Make sure you don't isolate yourself. Let your family and friends help you, and of course we will here at SR too!

Your number one priority has to be your children and what is best for them at all times.

Hugs and Many Blessings!