Kensho

I’ve got 4 days in; have gone to three meetings, and decided to hang out here (which is kind of an ongoing meeting of sorts). Down the line, I may be looking for a sponsor. I thought I’d ask folks on here what they looked for in a sponsor, what relationships worked, what didn’t, etc.. Any insights appreciated.

Thanks.

least

I'm not in AA but have been told by many who are to look for someone who's "got what you want" - sobriety and serenity. Then ask them if they could sponsor you.

keithj

Kensho,

I had come out of rehab and jumped right into AA, tried to follow the suggestions on looking for someone who had what I wanted. The problem was, my alcoholic mind had a very weird view on what 'good sobriety' looked like. I found a sponsor that was popular, funny, a lifestyle I wanted, blah blah. And although not his fault in any way (he sincerely tried to help me), I lasted a few months and was soon back in that desperate place.

When I made it back to the rooms, I actively sought out a couple of guys that I had heard. These guys didn't have anything I wanted in terms of lifestyle or tangible things. In fact, the one who became my long time sponsor I didn't care for much at all. I didn't like his personality and I didn't like what he shared. But he talked about a solution to alcoholism. He was a BB thumping guy that talked about having a spiritual awakening as the result of the Steps. It was clear to me that he knew how to recover for good and all. And I was just desperate enough at the time to follow his direction.

So that's what I would look for, somebody holding a BB that talks about recovering through the 12 Steps.

RobbyRobot

Hi Kensho,

Look for a sponsor with confidence in their own experience with the 12 steps. A person who knows their own sobriety forwards and backwards. A person who has been challenged by circumstances and situations which happen in life and yet not only did they stay sober, they actually flourished and became stronger under pressure. Look for a person who understands the differences between objectivity and subjectivity. Look for a person who can see the bigger picture within AA and doesn't get tangled up in AA drama scenarios and personalities.

Do not accept a person who talks a good game, but on closer examination talks on more about experience of others and less of themselves - in other words, they don't relate first-hand to what they are sharing. These guys are not good candidates. You can do better.

Above all don't choose a sponsor who has not yet completed all the steps for themselves. Although its true some guys are right on track and still not finished and still doing well, you don't want to waste your time if you manage to catch up to them and then what? Become their sponsor? Wait for them? Drop them?

Congrats on your early sobriety, Kensho. It's a great time to be had in early days - very exciting!

I finished the steps in 3 months while in intensive residential rehab. Of course finished doesn't mean I don't daily practice with the steps, it means I claim myself to be recovered from my alcoholism.

As well, what Keith said is a great example of some prime first hand experience in sobriety in AA with a great sponsor / sponsee relationship that gives back results that really saves lives, imo.

sugarbear1

AA has a pamphlet on sponsorship. it's also online.