Chels12

Hello everyone, I'm new to this site. My boyfriend's mother is an alcoholic, and I stumbled upon these forums after what has been a very stressful year.

We have been dating for a long time, and so even though I'm not married to him, I feel very much a part of the family. Growing up in a very calm, stable, household, this is new to me & was very shocking at first, but now its just stressful, sad, and frustrating/anger inducing. I try to do my best to support my boyfriend, comfort him, and help out with things when trouble arises.

I try to be as strong as possible when supporting him, but secretly I'm terrified. His mother has been an active alcoholic for the better part of ten years I estimate. At times I feel hopeless and I know he does too. I know he loves his mom more than anything, and she can be the most warm-hearted person when she's sober. Sometimes when I see her I just get the feeling that she longs so desperately for someone to just talk to.

I was wondering if anyone who's in my situation, or perhaps a recovering alcoholic has any advice on how I can support my bf?

Kayla50

I am an alcoholic and so is my ex husband. My parent in laws were addicted to weed and alcohol very badly. I remember hearing them fight. One time my mother in law broke a plate over her husbands head. Addiction will bring out the worst in people. I'm so sorry. If you are really scared, you need to figure something out. I was never scared because I was at the same level and could not have cared less. But for someone who needs normalcy and love, you deserve it.

Kayla50

Bye the way...It gets worse.

Chels12

I am just afraid for her at this point, because deep down I think I know that things probably wont end well in this situation. We are both on our own now & live a day's drive away but still try to make it back often. I try to stay positive though, if for nothing other than to support my bf.

Kayla50

I don't know if this will help, but I loved my ex husbands family and they loved me. My ex and I were best friends and we were young when we got married. Very ambitious but drank so much. I think we could have lasted but we gave up too easily. I still miss him. We kept seeing eachother (just to nap and hug because we were so sad) because it felt like a death in the family. Just go with your gut but take care of yourself first.

Kayla50

Does she see how bad it is?

Chels12

I know :/ since we've began dating I think things have gone from pretty bad to just plain awful. luckily there's no violence really... just self inflicted injuries from accidents and stuff. That's another worry..as she is sometimes left home alone for days on end as a result of her drinking.

Chels12

Yes, she's been in and out of rehab so many times. I know for some people its a battle they never win, but I just hope that she somehow doesnt give up (if she hasnt already)

Kayla50

Here is what I know. I am an alcoholic. My friends and family would tell you I am the most kind and charasmatic person they have ever met. I am highly educated and have a great dob. I have been married and alcohol destroyed it for both him and I. I am seeking help once again. It is a progressive disease. AND it is that. But only the person who is suffering can take action. I'm struggling myslef. She needs to put on her big girl panties and help her family. Otherwise it will be misery, fights, crying, ignoring... the list goes on.

Chels12

I know, there's nothing anyone can do really. I wish I could but for now I just listen when he needs to talk, ask questions so I understand better & try to best put myself in his shoes. When I see her I try to be as upbeat as I can and talk as long as possible with her. I didnt grow up with her, I just met her 5 years ago so I'm sure we have very different perspectives.

Kayla50

This sounds sick... but man, have you met anyone who is completely together? I know I'm a ******* awesome person ( please exucuse my excitement), but everyone has a strange family story. It gets more funny. Believe me. But if it becomes life threatening, do the right thing. No one wants to see someone get hurt. (I delt with it so long so long it came to the point of humor, which is not right).

Kayla50

But always is if you are scared, please trust your gut.

Bernadette

Hi Chels12-- welcome to SR!
What kinds of ways does your BF appreciate support? Have you asked hm directly?
Have you ever gone to an AlAnon meeting? Try a few different ones to find one that has a good "personality" fit for you. It's a free hour of positive support built on principles that can really turn your head around in regards to how to handle the A in your life.

Stick around and read around - collectively we've seen everything here on SR - you are not alone.
Peace-
B

CarryOn

Welcome, Chels.

There is very little you can do to help your BF's mother...she will get help when she is ready. You can do things for yourself. Learn about alcoholism. There are a lot of great books, online resources, etc. that you can learn from. You've been with your BF for quite awhile and possibly are considering being together a long time so it would be a good idea to understand the disease. Alcoholism is a family disease because it not only affects the A, but their loved ones as well.

As another poster said, please try AlAnon. It is recommended to try six different meetings to get a good feel for the program and/or find a group that you "click" with. Even though your BF is no longer living with his mom, he is still affected by the past hurts. AlAnon will help you understand how to take care of yourself in this situation.

I also suggest reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. You mention worrying about her situation several times - this is not healthy for you, and the book will help you understand why. There was a great quote in Courage to Change today (an AlAnon daily reader): "Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its strength." ~A.J. Cronin

Again, welcome.

Chels12

Thank you all for the advice. It's been several days since I've been able to log back in due to hectic schedules, but regardless, there's been more bad news from his AM. I am considering the reading material mentioned, as well as al-anon. I wish I could persuade BF to go, but he is hesitant (likes to hide the true feelings from the world-in a way that a lot of guys do). The good thing is he opens up to me about it at least, and I know that it's gone from feelings of hatred when we were younger to the point where now, after college and starting "real life", kind of a sorrow and almost guilt that she's alone, but still anger as well.

One thing I'm learning is that it's such a mixed bag of emotions...any single one or combination can be present at any time. I like to listen and I am thankful that he's willing to be open with me. I know it must take guts just to do that when you've grown up thinking your family is shameful and messed up.