Aeryn

So my XRAH is around his 60 day mark...and as I've mentioned in some of my previous posts we're legally separated but we've decided to remain friends. WELL.....the first month was a pink cloud so I got all the good stuff - the confessions, the honesty the nice guy, a friend to talk to once a week...and then the cloud burst. Now I get the panicked guy...the one that has to face life sober...for example his bank account was low (of course he was in rehab so he wasn't earning money for 30 days) and he texted me that he now had to file bankruptcy and wanted to know if I knew someone who could do that (I would be someone logical to ask due to one of my jobs...but wow talk about overreaction)! He was also all upset about an electricity deposit he had to pay due to missing a bill back when he was drinking - it was huge but hey that's a direct consequence of drinking. Anyway, LOL...ok first of all when I lived there I "helped" and "managed" the bills and I gotta say this happened all the time, he is an independent contractor and it's bound to happen even when sober...and second well it was like the sky was falling. It was a weird sort of role reversal, me telling HIM don't worry about it and him freaking....when we were still together things were the opposite. hahahahah. Anyway he's off that ledge but I have a couple thoughts:

First, I'm not sure if I should be his go to person in crisis...but at the same time if I compare the measuring stick to what normal friends would do I don't think it was a big deal.

Second, for all of those people thinking once their AH is sober everything will be better I have to share something else I've noticed. My XRAH is a completely different person now - not the one I remember pre, during or post severe alcoholism...and if we weren't legally separated and were living together during this time the relationship would have to start from square 1...I'm not even for sure we would have been compatible as more than friends. And there are some qualities that don't change that you have to learn were not part of the alcoholism in my case my XRAH was not a super sensitive or emotional guy and is a bit impulsive...I don't see those things changing now that he's sober. I guess the point is the A stopping drinking does not fix the relationship....if I was still with him I think the relationship would be more difficult now than it was when he was drinking.

I'm really glad I didn't stay there holding out some hope that the relationship would magically work once we both recovered because we've both changed too much...who knows about the future (but I can't sit around wasting the present waiting for the future) but I know if I had stayed and was living there now I would have trouble holding my serenity and focusing on myself because it would be a relationship, uncertainty rollercoaster.

It's just a weird sort of realization that hit today......I remember an Alanon meeting I attended a long time ago where someone said their AH was actually more pleasant when drinking than in early recover and at the time I thought "well that's just her"....now I'm thinking it's a more common thing to happen.

FireSprite

That has been my experience too. We were separated for 2+ years, moved back in together & then about 4 months into it he came out with the secret drinking, alcoholism, etc & started finding recovery. I always said I wished we had waited to separate in early recovery instead because I needed space as much as he did - but by then it wasn't feasible financially & otherwise.

Pia

I'm really glad I didn't stay there holding out some hope that the relationship would magically work once we both recovered because we've both changed too much...who knows about the future (but I can't sit around wasting the present waiting for the future) but I know if I had stayed and was living there now I would have trouble holding my serenity and focusing on myself because it would be a relationship, uncertainty rollercoaster.

Great reminder for me.

Recovering2

I have to agree that getting sober is not the end all answer to saving a relationship. I think too often we hold on to this hope that if our A will just find recovery then all will be right with the world. Recovery is a life long process for them. When my RABF first found real recovery, I thought we would be fine. Instead, it was a whole new struggle. It took a full year of really working hard, both of us, to start to find some common ground. He had to learn how to deal with life without falling back on his old habits. And I had to learn to adapt to this new person, who still had some of the old issues sans alcohol. I'm still not sure how our story will end. Good post Aeryn.

Hammer

She has been back from Rehab a little over a year.

And about a couple weeks ago we decided to start working on being friends, again.

At least it is "friendly" friends, for now.

And yeah, the whole time before Rehab was better than the year since.

Been One Long Rough Year. Hope it was our worst one EVER.

Mags1

I'm with Recovering2 on this one.
I'm the recovering alcoholic. I thought everything would be ok when I got sober but no, I'm just starting again, really.
I, too, am not sure how my relationship with my husband will work out now. I naively thought stopping drinking would sort it. He said it was the drinking what was the only cause of problems in our marriage.
I was still in a job and on the outside looked like a normal person, not many knew my secret. It could have got worse but I stopped before it did, due to my husband leaving for a short while. We are reconciled but inside I feel differently but I don't know how or why.
I just know, with talking to people on here and reading posts here that it is going to take time for my thinking to rationalise etc and to know what I want.
I hope I don't sound too selfish, I know when I was drinking I worked cooked did the housework then drank, couldn't wait to get that first drink which turned into lots till I flaked out on the sofa. Not good for my husband to out up with for a few years.

Hammer

Just so the rest of you all can remember the Good Old Days . . .

PohsFriend

Great thread. Poh and I talk about this quite a but these days. It makes sense that recovery is progressive too and in some ways a newly dried out alcoholic is not exactly functioning on all cylinders. Poh was exhausted and depressed and had to dig deep each day to face some other situation she was not used to dealing with sober but she's so much better when I look at each 6 month block of time.

Keep in mind though... Sober couples deal with crap too. Poh was very docile drunk but in the past two years she grew a spine of steel and the memory of a friggin elephant and then she got all responsible and ....logical? I can't get away with anything.

I really felt for Poh during that early part, I don't know what it was like but I know she was fighting depression, fighting fear, fighting shame and guilt, fighting to keep her family and fighting for life and it may seem like no big deal to some but this forum is here for a reason and it isn't because recovery from addiction is easy.

Cancer was easy, I got a good scare, a few good scars and it took its ass kicking and away and stayed away. I didn't have a battle - I had a surgeon and lost a few pounds the hard way. She had a battle then another then another and she scratches and claws and works and I am a little proud and self- indulgently going on and on... Oops. It's possible I love that woman even more than I did but that was nothing new. I lost jaw control the day I met her and my heart skips a beat when she walks in the room still ( yeah, gag - its pathetic) but it was winning my respect and admiration and trust that really mattered to her.

Go easy on newbies in recovery. Don't coddle but compassion and empathy aren't enabling, they are at the core of our best selves.

Today was a good day. Poh has not had a drink in 17 months as of today and has not been drunk for 751 days. Turns out there was a real person in there, a wife and mom and my best friend. Think I will see if I can find something to carve a 17 month chip out of :-)

Mags1

Fantastic, Pohsfriend, gives me hope x

Aeryn

I don't think you're being selfish at all - you feel how you feel...that's what this is all about right, being honest with our feelings.

I can tell you this for me personally if the marriage doesn't feel right I didn't want to try to "force" it to work (that's a very codependent thing IMHO trying to "force" something rather than letting it happen naturally - so I went with my gut and discussed the separation with XRAH).....so if my XRAH for example didn't want to be even friends I would want him to be honest, yeah it may hurt in the short run but in the long run it's best....that's sort of why I left in the first place, I felt I was being dishonest with him staying in the marriage (he was drinking at the time I left but I knew even then the drinking isn't the whole thing - thanks to a good therapist). I think it's not only OK but good to explore feelings and be honest. Who knows, maybe down the road in the future we'll reconnect but I only have the present to go on and I can't live the present based on trying to "force" my hopes and expectations to happen - things will happen if they're meant to....I think my XRAH and I get along so well as friends because we both feel that way.